New Girlfriend with child

LegacyUser

Just looking for a small bit of advice,

I wrote a thread about 6 months ago after breaking up with my girlfriend and how heartbroken I was.

Now i have finally met somebody else and its very early days yet but gonna take things slowly and not rush into anything big or mad serious. It was a girl i had relationships 4 years ago,well when i say relationships every night we met up we would be going with each other.we stopped then when she fell pregnant and we kinda stopped contact for not just that reasons but it just filtered out,now there was strong rumours at that time that the child was mine (nothing concrete but people working out dates etc),i asked her but she said it wasnt mine and that was it.

Roll on now nearly 4 years later and we met each other out and asked her if she would like to do something some time to get in touch and she did.The thing is i had a few battles with her brothers at the time (my fault),i was even barred from going to my ex girlfriends brothers stag party because they were going.But it is a situation i will look to rectify if my new girlfriend and i continue to see each other.

Her having a daughter does not bother me in the slighest at all and i dont want to go into the past,but she has hinted at me and her daughter meeting each other sooner rather than later,now this girl is a really genuine girl and as i dont really drink anymore has mentioned that i could look after her some time when she goes out,not that she goes out too often herself so dont see her just using me to be a babysitter

The thing is i really want to give this girl a 110% as she has seen through my past,(i was nearly always in trouble when i drank,not necessarily with the law) and appreciate this so much because of the fact that my ex girlfriend couldnt see and wouldnt help me try and get through this,now i am a perfect gentleman when i dont drink but drink sends me loopy at times

Just looking on opinions on when i should or would be an acceptable time to meet her daughter.

Beruthiel

When I first met my now hubby, it was six months before I introduced him to my 11 year old daughter.
My reasoning for this was I did not wish her to see every man I was dating. There was no need for such disruption in her life.
When I knew I was serious about a b/f, they were then introduced to her.

gmac102

i agree with the above poster, as a single mother i personally would leave it 6-12 months as our children dont need to meet anyone unless we are serious about them... we needs to see mammy with alot of different men, sets a bad example i feel!

ash23

I would leave it until I was really serious about someone before introducing them to my child. I've been "single" well over 3 years and nobody has met my child.
I wouldn't be comfortable with introducing her to someone I was seeing early on, for her own sake moreso.

Miss Fluff

Have you considered that the child might still be yours? Due to your drinking and fractious relationship with her family at the time she may have been reluctant to have you involved. Do you think her eagerness to have you meet the little girl "sooner rather than later" could be connected to you actually being related to the child?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the insight people.I would be feeling the same as yourself that i woudnt feel comfortable and would firstly like to put all my effort into getting to know my girfriend first,well suppose girlfriend is not the proper word at the minute.

@missfluff
It is something which i think is totally plausible but at the same time not thinking too much about it,but its not something i can control and if she is i will deal with it and will not be pushing the issue,if she wants to tell me she will

I would totally understand her reasons behind not telling me at the time if this was the case,she has done very well with the support of her family in raising the child

LegacyUser

hey guys

Just a few developments last night when i was texting her.As i am busy with work and her with work and the child i said that it may be after christmas when i would get to see her next.She then asked me would I like to call out on christmas eve to her house,she lives in a flat beside her home house

As i stated above about not pushing the issue with the child it seems to be coming obvious that this story is going to evolve,but i am not thinking about it until she feels like she wants to talk about the situation.

I feel that she is looking to move this relationship on very quick but i am very wary becuase my last relationship moved very quick and i know now it was a mistake.

Do people think that i should sit down and talk after christmas about both situations

LegacyUser

edit

I told her i wouldnt call out on christmas eve as i am going home to spend the evening with my mother,thats not an excuse,she will be in the house on her own

ash23

I think it's as simple as the next time she asks you to meet the child, say that you're not comfortable meeting her yet. That you would prefer to develop the relationship between yourselves first and see what happens.
However, you also need to ask yourself is the child going to be an issue for you furthur down the road. If things do go well, will you be ok with becoming part of the childs life. If things go really really well, do you see yourself accepting this child as your step child (waaaay down the road).
Some people will automatically say "no" and that's fine, it's a personal preference. But if it is a no, then you need to end things because the child is going nowhere.
I've been stung by a few guys who knew we had no future because they weren't interested in a future where there was a child already and it's horrible to be strung along only to discover they knew from the start they weren't interested in anything evolving because of my daughter.

StillWaters

IMO its way to early to meet the child.
As a single mother, I would introduce a boyfriend if I was fairly sure he was a long term prospect, i.e. 6-12 months of dating at least, and even then it would be in a neutral location.

It screams to me of lack of boundaries/desperate for a father figure to ask you to meet the child on Christmas Eve in the child's home after a wet day of dating. Tread carefully here OP.

LegacyUser

thanks stillwaters,

I plan to sit her down the next time she mentions seeing her daughter and explain to her that i feel uncomfortable about meeting her daughter so soon but i am being truthfull by saying its not something i see gonna be a problem if our relationship develops

as for the fact that i might be the father i havent been on a date with her since because it hasnt suited with the time of year being in it

homersimpson

First thing you should do is find out if you have a child with this woman or not.

dixiefly

homersimpson wrote: »

First thing you should do is find out if you have a child with this woman or not.

I agree with this. If she thinks you are the dad it could be clouding her judgement and the uncertainty could be influencing you. Whether or not you are the dad will obviously influence your longer term relationship irrespective of whether you last with the mum or not.

Big Bag of Chips

Does the child have a father? As in, is there someone the child calls "dad", who has access and pays maintenance etc?

Personally I'd be slow to introduce anyone new to my kids, but not everyone feels like that, and I know there are plenty people who have no problem bringing various people home to where the kids are.

She may be just like that. She may be planning, in her head, that you and she are together forever this time? She may be desperate for a dad, if there is none on the scene? The child may be yours?

Either way, first thing you need to do is ask her who the dad is. If you're not the dd, then there's no major rush to meet the child. If you are the dad.. then they changes things slightly, of course.

The other thing you should do, is give up the drink if you can't control yourself on it. You say you have it fairly under control, but if it was me it'd want to be completely under control!

LegacyUser

Hi guys just back looking for some advice and especially from the posters who have been in the position of being a mother.

The subject of meetin her child has cooled and we havent discussed or it hasnt been brought into conversation,now no talk was involved but I would say that the child is not mine.

But what i am looking to ask is how does a realtionship move on when i dont feel comfortable meeting her child,we see each other once a week at the minute as she finds it difficult to find somebody to look after her daughter and also the fact that i think she feels uncomfortable leaving the child with other people.

I am not rushing into things nor am i in a panic to move things too quickly but how hard did people find it to move a realtionship on.we get on great and are easy around each other and i know it has only been a month or so but would like some input into how single mothers found a relationship developed with themselves