clock. innedp

LegacyUser

I'm going unreg for this.

I don't really know what to say, I just needed somewhere to put my thoughts.

For a long time now I have had a really unhealthy obsession or compulsion re suicide.Ive thought about killing myself on and off for quite a long time,years in fact. Really disturbing thoughts, like exactly how I would do it, how everyone would be upset at my funeral, I even fantasise about my removal, and how upset my friends and family would be. What life would be like for everyone after I was gone. People upset, others probably glad to see the back of me, and everyone just not being able to understand why.

I normally get these thoughts every couple of days. I'm not even depressed or anything like that. Just I dunno, obviously not entirely mentally sound.

I'm young only 23, and by all accounts have the world at my feet. I am quite successful in my field, albeit engaged in an EXTREMELY stressful situation, I am occupied by this for circa 14 or 15 hours every day 7 days a week. However this isn't really the source of my suicidal ideation. I can deal with the stress in my life 99% of the time.

It's just kind of other stuff that sets me off, or brings my dark passenger to the fore. Like if my parents have a row over something or if i row with a sibling, i'll think ''you know what, **** the pair of them ill go down and throw myself off the river, or hang myself in the middle of the night while they're asleep and see how much their argument matters to them tomorrow'', or I imagine leaving a note saying ''i killed myself because of you and your row last night,hahaha,**** the lot of you''.

I'm also quite an good looking individual, I score loads of birds, never form relationships with any of them, i just maintain a barrier, I dont want any of them to get close to me, beyond the superficial facade.

I'm extremely personable, the life and soul of the party, i'm really funny, I have a great personality and loads of friends.

From the outside you would genuinely say ''that guy is truly sucking the champagne and caviar out of life, he's got everything going for him''

Which makes these dark thoughts more worrying for me. I shouldn't be like this. All it can take is one comment that I take wrong, and it'll set off a cascade of thoughts in my mind.

Once the darkness comes the thoughts just spiral. I imagine every facet of every detail of my death.i think hanging would be my way to do it, or else just grab a knife and slit a carotid or jugular and bleed out fast.

The only reason I have never done anything is probably because of my mother, I genuinely do not think she would be able to cope with my death. Most others would be upset for a week, and then quickly move on, as is what happens with everyone who dies. My mother however, I think my death would honestly just destroy her, she'd never get over it. Whilst I often think about being dead and even cherish the thought, I'd also hate the fact knowing that everyone is still living life while i'm rotting in a pile of mud.

I've honestly thought about checking myself into a mental facility of some sort, these thoughts are ill becoming of me, i've genuinely got life nailed to a T and these sick thoughts would probably be scary for me except for the fact i'm so used to them. It's not like my mind has snapped and I'm wanting to kill myself in a rage of spite or anger. I meticulously calculate every facet of my suicide; I think I particularly enjoy the images I conjure of friends just being in tears, absolutely shocked by me killing myself.

I'm probably the last person in the world you would ever suspect of having these thoughts.

I don't know what to write. I'm obviously mentally unwell, or just mentally disturbed. I'm not depressed over anything, but sometimes the silliest things will just set off an avalanche of thoughts and I can sit for hours planning my death, sometimes i'll cry when I think of it.

I dunno. People with cancer and stuff fight so hard to live, and then you've got me who has every reason to live and sees some sort of glory in ripping myself away from the world and ****ing with my friend's and family's heart strings. Like for example I met this girl last night, got on great with her, really hit it off. then today had a row with my family and the dark thoughts came, and I just imagined how that girl would be if i killed myself; like ''oh i cant believe it, i was just with him on saturday, i'm genuinely shocked''. and i imagine how sorry my family would be that they rowed with me.

I know you're all going to think i'm ****ed up, and you're right. I just needed somewhere to post.

I'm not going to kill myself, but I guess I wish I could just stop thinking about it all the time.I don't know what's wrong with me. Please I hope you don't think i'm miserable or pathetic, but no one knows about my thoughts only me, and I needed somewhere to even just acknowledge that they exist, no matter how crazy it seems.

Morag

Ok so you want help, to deal with those thoughts and find away to stop having them.
You are not on your own, other people have had this and have learned to manage or learned to change so that they don't have such toughts.

You will how ever need professional help, start with going to your dr and getting a referral.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

We are not qualified to give you advice on how best to deal with any issues with your mental health.

You need to make an appointment with your GP asap and tell them exactly what you posted there and get professional help.

If you need to talk to someone then you may find some useful contacts here:
useful links

Best of luck