help me please

elya765

I just want advice or help or tips or anything you can offer.

I have no confidence. Zero. I HATE myself on the inside and on the outside. I have just come away from a family event holding back tears. My father again commented on physical aspects of me which he doesnt like, may hair, my skin etc. I love the man, he would do anything for me and give me anything he could. But I'm sick of these put downs. I feel I am a disappointment to him and I have always done my best to make him proud. I pursued a career path purely because he was interested in it. I studied for years in that area, I dont regret it but just wish I had of done it for me not him.
I was bulemic/anorexic for years. I'm over the worst of it, have the odd relapse, he sometimes tells me I'm fat, some times he says I am too skinny. When I was younger I had acne, he used to call me spotty. Then sometimes he will tell me I am a good looking girl.

Anyway after this evenings episode, I left not able to say good bye to people because I struggled to hold back the tears. I text him after and told him I had enough. Told him to F*Ck off and told him I was embarrassed and that he made other non family members feel uncomfortable. Am I over reacting? He told me he was joking and that I shouldn't take life so seriously. This is my first issue.

Second my boyfriend of two years cant say I love u. It worries me but then I think why should he love me. My father once said at a dinner 'sure who would have her anyway' referring to marriage and me. You see I believe I am worthless. Is this normal?

I also have issues with people in general. I don't like me and I don't like others. I don't trust anyone. People will always let me down in the end. I have friends, but I don't trust them, I used to be a good friend but now I'm not bothered. It feels false being a good friend when u know deep inside u'll be let down.

I can't interact with others, its gotten worse. I dont know how to really. I just want to be on my own now. I'm turning into a loner. I feel others are sniggering at me behind my back, sneering me, judging me, thinking horrible things about me. its not normal to feel like that.

I only see faults in others. I want to not see their faults and only see their good features, im sure people do have good sides but im just blind to them, I don't want to be life this.

I guess what I want from this is to vent. Im living on my nerves and I want it to change. I want to be positive, I want to value myself and I want to see the positives in others. I want to have confidence. Maybe if I start loving me I will also start to like others. Maybe my dislike for others stems from how I know myself, I view myself too as a horrible person. Awful person. I dont know why. I've never really done anything bad to anyone but as of late I just have no time for people.

I worry i am drinking and smoking far too much so I want to kick that too. I cant remember when the last time I was truly happy was.

I want to be a more rounded, grounded, positive person, I want to be a shining light, any advice on how I can go about doing this would be really appreciated. I'm not young. I'm 32. I know this post might seem petty and shallow, I'm not shallow anf these issues are causing me a lot of problems.

Now I am nothing. Negative, have nothing to talk about, my skin is disgusting.

I need to sort all this out, I am heading for a breakdown I think, or worse.

Thanks for reading. There's more but hey one step at a time. Can anyone relate to this?

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I personally believe that a more thorough understanding of relationships and their mechanics, which encapsulate a number of factors (three, to be precise. The magic number), but which can ultimately be implemented through very simplistic means, would be of benefit, not only to you and your dilemma, but probably to about 90% of the problems posted here, and social problems that arise in general.

I'll be sort of rehashing the same things at this point, so to give you a rough idea, have a look at the thread in this forum, a few threads down, entitled "deeply deeply unhappy".
Have a quick read of the posts by "Tomato Can" (that's me).

Basically, I'm not telling you specifics to your situation (or anyone's situation), but what I can delineate, are, as I said, relationships mechanics, which encapsulate the necessary factors, and once you understand these (and they are very logical and will be perceived as intuitively obvious upon their understanding), you will understand and can therefore embrace, the MEANS to ultimately put these components to work.


Just as quick personal afterthought that I wish to add here; so many problems can arise from a deficiency in this area (referring to human interaction and relationships), as a lack of quality in this area can reduce our energy levels, our motivation, the quality of our lives, and all the knock on factors you can consider that may radiate from their demise.
I emphatically believe that our physical health can pertain strongly to this area also.

That is to say, I believe an improvement here, can take away the limits and boundaries we may have felt previously within our lives, lifestyles, and aspirations.

LegacyUser

Hi there OP,

You're father sounds like hard work alright. How much barb do you feel is in his 'jokes'? Do you feel he just doesn't know how to to relate normally or is the 'jokes' his way of telling you how to be? What meaning do you get from them? Eitherway, you are right to take a stand. The only way out of dysfunctional relating is to call it for what it is. BUT that has to be done calmly, cause otherwise it's too easy for him to dismiss you as 'moody' or 'odd'. Perhaps a letter or a pre-planned conversation where you know exactly what you want to say?

As for the boyfriend, some men show their love rather than say it. You know if you are loved or not. But again, if in doubt, it might be better to call the dysfunctional behaviour for what it is. You are not kids. It is fair and reasonable to ask him to tell you the truth about how he feels about you, because if he doesn't love you, you need to know so you can get on with your life. Tell him that. It's the truth.

You don't need to deal with these men right now. Especially with your father, I would say wait until you're feeling stronger. The first step to feeling stronger is to cut out the booze. I was a heavy drinker at your age too. Eventually it got too much - night out/wine with dinner... exhausting. I quit for a month. I'm embarrassed to say I got a prescription for valium/sleeping tablets to help me quit... but anyway, it worked. Clarity seeped in, and although I still drink occasionally, I never went back to regular drinking and slowly my issues started to resolve (I also didn't get a repeat prescription for the pills). I can't stress this enough. When you quit the hangovers, you can find the emotional strength and clarity to start working on yourself.

You also sound like someone who could benefit from counselling. Meantime, read the self help books, throw yourself into your hobbies - anything where you get a sense of achievement that's not dependent on the relationships in your life, and when you're strong and well enough, chase those elephants out of the sitting room with you dad and bf. (But only do it when you've got yourself some clear boundaries cause otherwise it's too easy to get manipulated/ manipulate yourself into a messy emotional meltdown!)

Good luck x

coolcat63

Totally agree with Sunflower. Your father, sadly, is a typical bully who delights in putting you down and then tells you 'it's a joke' when you react.

Bloody well done for telling him to f*ck off - now it's time to follow through and cut him out of your life. If you're not ready to do that then tell yourself that he is a pathetic bully and that his words can not harm you.

The same goes for your boyfriend - if he can't tell you he loves you after two years then he is not worthy of YOUR love. Don't make the mistake of choosing a partner who is like your dad - you are worth so much more.

elya765

Sunflower, deep thinker, jumbo flakes and coolcat, thank you very much for taking the time to read my post and to reply.

I cried when reading the replies because you dont know me, you dont need to help me, but you guys did and thanks so much.

I have been doing lots of thinking over the last few days. I need to do a lot of work on myself and essentially I need to learn to like myself and to work on building my self confidence.

I have been feeling fragile and week lately and I think the drink has a lot to do with that. So im going to stay off the drink for a while. See how it goes. One of you mentioned that I need clarity. Thats what Im going to look for. I also havent smoked in two days, God would be great if I could stay off the smokes too.

As for my father, im sick of the comments. But the thing is deep down he is not a nasty man. Yes I completely agree that his behaviour is bullyish, but I think central to all of this is that he doesnt know how to relate. But anyway, he has made comments to my mother, to my siblings down through the years and I think I am going to take a stand now for us all. What he says is not right. Im not sure how I can deal with this yet. He has been trying to ring me since Sunday and has sent texts. I havent answered the phone to him or replied to the texts. Im not too sure how I will handle the situation. Maybe a letter. As for cutting him out of my life, I dont know if I can do this for his sake and the rest of the family. I will play it cool for a while anyway until I get my head together. I dont even know if I will go home for Xmas. I think id nearly rather spend it on my own, but then I know Ill be the worst in the world.

As for my boyfriend. You guys are right. He has to be able to tell me how he feels one way or the other. I need to move on if we are not on the same page. I dont need anymore rotten relationships in my life, God knows I have had my share.

I will look for some self help books, counselling I think could be rather expensive right now but maybe if all else fails....

Jumbo Flakes, I will look for those posts now by tomato cans.

Guys thanks so much again, you have restored a little bit of my faith in people. Over the years my conidence has taken a bashing by others, I also need to learn how to trust. I need to get rid of the bad to make room for the good.

Thanks guys!

elya765

Sunflower, deep thinker, jumbo flakes and coolcat, thank you very much for taking the time to read my post and to reply.

I cried when reading the replies because you dont know me, you dont nedd to help me, but you guys did and thanks so much.

I have been doing lots of thinking over the last few days. I need to do a lot of work on myself and essentially I need to learn to like myself and to work on building my self confidence.

I have been feeling fragile and week lately and I think the drink has a lot to do with that. So im going to stay off the drink for a while. See how it goes. One of you mentioned that I need clarity. Thats what Im going to look for. I also havent smoked in two days, God would be great if I could stay off the smokes too.

As for my father, im sick of the comments. But the thing is deep down he is not a nasty man. Yes I completely agree that his behaviour is bullyish, but I think central to all of this is that he doesnt know how to relate. But anyway, he has made comments to my mother, to my siblings down through the years and I think I am going to take a stand now for us all. What he says is not right. Im not sure how I can deal with this yet. He has been trying to ring me since Sunday and has sent texts. I havent answered the phone to him or replied to the texts. Im not too sure how I will handle the situation. Maybe a letter. As for cutting him out of my life, I dont know if I can do this for his sake and the rest of the family. I will play it cool for a while anyway until I get my head together. I dont even know if I will go home for Xmas. I think id nearly rather spend it on my own, but then I know Ill be the worst in the world.

As for my boyfriend. You guys are right. He has to be able to tell me how he feels one way or the other. I need to move on if we are not on the same page. I dont need anymore rotten relationships in my life, God knows I have had my share.

I will look for some self help books, counselling I think could be rather expensive right now but maybe if all else fails....

Jumbo Flakes, I will look for those posts now by tomato cans.

Guys thanks so much again, you have restored a little bit of my faith in people. Over the years my conidence has taken a bashing by others, I also need to learn how to trust. I need to get rid of the bad to make room for the good.

Thanks guys!

elya765

moderator pls close this thread thank you