Back in the Closet

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this.

So I'm a gay guy teaching English abroad in Russia, which is a relatively homophobic place (not execute you homophobic ala Saudi Arabia, but I teach kids, and my job would be done if it was common knowledge, for instance). And I'm in a relatively small town (well a suburb of a bigger city).

All this has forced me back into the closet (semi-so at least), which I'm finding difficult.

I'm going to break things into 3 groups of people I associate with - the foreign (English/American/etc.) teachers, the Russian teachers, and my Russian friends.

The foreign teachers all know, it's not a big deal to them.

However, recently I've let slip to some of the Russian teachers - all female. Now they all know, and it's making me a little nervous - not because they care (I think they do and don't to varying degrees but I don't really care), but because they're gossipy, which leads me to my final group:

My Russian friends. Who don't know. And are all male. I'm friends with them as they like the same sort of outdoorsy stuff I do (camping, hiking, skiing, etc.). I'm afraid to tell them, since I'd likely lose them, and have no one left to do the stuff I enjoy with. I mean they might not freak out, but suddenly the idea of spending a weekend with me in a tent would be less appealing.

However, now that feels irresponsible. As small town + gossipy teachers + standard homophobic assumption that anyone who associates with homosexuals is a homosexual = my friends possibly being thought gay without even knowing it. Which could cause them serious problems in this culture, and they can't up and move somewhere else in 6 months like I can.

So thus the dilemma. The responsible thing seems to be to tell them and deal with the repercussions, but I just dread the thought of not having people to do things with except go to the pub (which I don't really enjoy).

LegacyUser

After re-reading my own post, it sounds unduly paranoid. This 'small town' has about 150,000 people, the majority of my sets of friends don't know each other (and the ones who do know to keep their mouth shut), and I don't normally run into folks out on the town.

Still, the whole gossip travels/what if someone finds out BS is wrecking my head even if I know it's mostly paranoia. After 20 years out, become closeted again is paranoid headwreck. I dunno how people who manage it for so long!

Anyway, paranoia aside, I still can't decide to fully out myself or not. Practically I think it's a bad idea, but I'm so used to being out that my instincts are to do so.

!!!

Hey,

I've been in many similar situations when travelling! I always kept quiet but since yours is so long-term I'd just be out about it. It's the only way to stay sane. Have you considered meeting other lgbt people online?

Conor30

Don't rush into coming out to the non-gay male Russian friends. I mean, you already have some gay friends there, I presume? Then, at least you've some buddies to hang out with and be on the same wavelength.

Do you speak Russian well? I'm impressed as it's reputed to be a very difficult language, even more so than German, which I speak.

Untense

However, now that feels irresponsible. As small town + gossipy teachers + standard homophobic assumption that anyone who associates with homosexuals is a homosexual = my friends possibly being thought gay without even knowing it. Which could cause them serious problems in this culture, and they can't up and move somewhere else in 6 months like I can.

This assumes that you are somehow responsible for any assumptions someone else might make. Has anyone other than yourself actually had these thoughts, as far as you know? And even if someone else has this thought, how are you in any way responsible for that?

If your friends are 'thought gay without even knowing it', it would be the responsibility of the person doing the thinking to verify that it's accurate. Especially if this hypothetical person is in a position where their assumption puts another person's livelihood at risk. They would be the ones responsible for any repercussions resulting from their unquestioned assumptions.

Meanwhile you're just there, being you. You haven't done anything wrong.

So thus the dilemma. The responsible thing seems to be to tell them and deal with the repercussions

There is no moral obligation upon you to tell friends that you are attracted to the same sex. That's your own business, particularly in a country where homosexuality is less accepted. You had solid reasons for not making your sexuality readily known in the first place, going so far as to say ' my job would be done if it was common knowledge'.

, but I just dread the thought of not having people to do things with except go to the pub (which I don't really enjoy).

You mentioned this twice, and it seems like it's a big worry for you. Is there any way you could find other friends to do these things with? Potentially even foreign friends who you could be 'out' to with less worry?

My Russian friends. Who don't know. And are all male. I'm friends with them as they like the same sort of outdoorsy stuff I do (camping, hiking, skiing, etc.).

It seems like a straight forward relationship. You share similar interests and are friends on that basis. If your friends are more than just activity friends, perhaps you could argue as to why you might like to tell them - since your sexuality seems to be something you would rather share with people you know. But really, it sounds like you are just mates who share a hobby. Would it be out of the ordinary for someone in the group to just 'come out' with something personal while everyone is out having fun?