Semi-cheating?

LegacyUser

I have been with my bf for 7 years now, we're both 30 and we live together. We have a great life together and I love him very much, hes great fun and good looking, great body and i'm still very attracted to him. Our sex life is good but is a bit stale, he feels at times way too familiar and its more or less the same every time.

my problme is when I'm drunk, i flirt with guys. its like I want the thrill of the new again. I wake up the next day mortified and regretting my behaviour. Is this normal for when you've been in a long term relationship for years? I dont do anything but i do love the laugh i have with fellas that i know are looking to get with me. Very unfair of me

I suppose you could just say don't get drunk. But that doesn't remove the problem of me wanting other guys to fancy me. Why do i feel the need for this validation? I wish i could just be satisifed as I am but I musnt be if i do this. I'm afraid that one day i'll get plastered and end of kissing someone.

My bf isn't very talky he doesnt say i'm beautiful or anything but i do know he loves me. Maybe thats it? I just pine for the days when I got so excited about seeing him and I would see his face lighting up when he saw me.

How do I learn to be satisfed with what i have? also no point in suggesting a dirty weekend away to spice things up, we've done that and it just goes back to normal when you get back to real life. i'm just feeling a little bored and even tho i love my bf it feels like hes turning into a family member and i'm needing the thrill of the unknown to feel fun again.

spank_inferno

Another view would be to get some control of yourself and not get drunk.

cafecolour

Flirting is fine if it's fun. Flirting to receive validation of your 'attractiveness' because you have no internal self-esteem is bad in or out of a relationship. And excessive drinking will only exacerbate the problem (and the shame-over).

I suggest this: Learn something new - a skill, a sport, a craft. WITH your boyfriend. Becoming good at something boosts the self-esteem. In addition, doing fun/positive things with someone else adds those positive feelings to them - and doing 'new' things will transfer some of that newness to him.

sally20

gueest123123 wrote: »

I have been with my bf for 7 years now, we're both 30 and we live together. We have a great life together and I love him very much, hes great fun and good looking, great body and i'm still very attracted to him. Our sex life is good but is a bit stale, he feels at times way too familiar and its more or less the same every time.

my problme is when I'm drunk, i flirt with guys. its like I want the thrill of the new again. I wake up the next day mortified and regretting my behaviour. Is this normal for when you've been in a long term relationship for years? I dont do anything but i do love the laugh i have with fellas that i know are looking to get with me. Very unfair of me

I suppose you could just say don't get drunk. But that doesn't remove the problem of me wanting other guys to fancy me. Why do i feel the need for this validation? I wish i could just be satisifed as I am but I musnt be if i do this. I'm afraid that one day i'll get plastered and end of kissing someone.

My bf isn't very talky he doesnt say i'm beautiful or anything but i do know he loves me. Maybe thats it? I just pine for the days when I got so excited about seeing him and I would see his face lighting up when he saw me.

How do I learn to be satisfed with what i have? also no point in suggesting a dirty weekend away to spice things up, we've done that and it just goes back to normal when you get back to real life. i'm just feeling a little bored and even tho i love my bf it feels like hes turning into a family member and i'm needing the thrill of the unknown to feel fun again.

I know how you feel, its hard because i feel guilty all the time but i havent done anything wrong, i would never cheat on my bf i love him to bits...but i am bored silly& do enjoy attention from other guys &feel really guilty then.... your guy might not be as bad as mine however to be fair...my bf not only doesnt compliment he slags me off, innocent enough slagging but it actually hurts sometimes and im not that touchy! i have told him this and he says 'oh take a joke will ya' as if i dont normally which i do... i compliment him quite a bit, genuinely, and sometimes to show him it costs nothing to say nice things to each other....this doesnt work... he is very into our current routine of sitting down in front of the tv in the evenings, little or no conversation unless i start one which never lasts and theres no fun or special time made for each other and i do suggest it, he says things like arent we spending time together now! (yea infront of tv on seperate chairs)... i would like if we sat at the table over a meal have a glass of wine and a chat and flirt and have fun again together...or have a night out! we have a baby, a wonderful little boy and my bf is a great dad but he is always always 'tired' from the baby...im the one who does night feeds and most nights he goes to another room to sleep when baby wakes.. so if i am more tired than him how come i still have time for him and see opportuntity ie when baby is sleeping to have a cuddle on the couch and a bit of 'play time' as our sex life needs spicing too...i wonder if some men just get into a rut, or lazy??? they have us, know we love them, know were not going anywhere and stop putting in the effort? my advise to you would be try talking, its not easy in my case my bf is not great with communication at all and im trying to broach this every so often and softly so he will open up and not over react and turn it into a row... hope you get it resolved and i dont think you are bad for how you are feeling i totally relate and i like you love my bf to bits and dont want anyone else but do fear i will end up resenting him and feeling so unappreciated that maybe i to on a night out will fall for someone elses charms...but we both know that will ruin everything as someone elses charms may only be for one night! and not worth loosing what we have, or what we feel at the mo we havent....im tryna tackle this now and hope to sort it and i hope you get to sort you situation as you clearly love him...sorry i prob wasnt very helpful just had to respond as i totally get where youre coming from.....

LegacyUser

Sarah, thank you so much for your message. I am sorry for your situation altho i'm glad to hear i'm not alone if that makes sense. I have to admit that yes, i get very bored sometimes which i feel so guilty saying. We have tried to spice things up but what point is there in doing that if things just go back the same way when you get home.

Sunflower, i have seen you post here before and I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to me, you always seem so kind. Yes i do love him very much but i feel you could be being too soft on me! I am worried about myself and feel that i rely too much on male attention giveing me that ego boost that i so desperately crave. I have been thinking about this and i for sure have 'daddy issues' in that my dad left when i was very young and was not attentive or around much at all through my teenage years. We still have a rocky relationship now so i do find myself loving the male approval which i'm sure is all part of it.

I will ignore the other comment coz it was kinda mean and i don't think that it's all down to the drink even though that doesn't help the situation!

baby and crumble

OP, have you ever discussed the boundaries of your relationship with your OH? I'm asking because it may be that he doesn't see flirting as a problem. You yourself have said that you don't score these guys, you enjoy the flirting and the idea of someone else finding you attractive- all of these are natural, if you ask me.

My GF and I have are together 7, nearly 8 years now, and we are both massive flirts- me more than her. But we have had the conversation around what is and isn't cheating, and what is acceptable behaviour. For both of us, flirting is a perfectly natural way to have fun, and get some much needed little 'sparks'- by that I mean even though I know my partner loves me, and finds me very attractive and she really is the only one for me- it's still nice to know I'm attractive purely in a physical sense, to other people. It's still her I go home to, because she's the only one I want to kiss. That you only flirt in bars, and when drunk is more of a warning sign, it seems like you think or see your behavious as not acceptable, and so you only do it when your inhibitions are down. I flirt all the time.

But all couples are different, and even as I type this, I know there are many people who will read it and think it's weird that flirting is allowed and actually encouraged in my relationship, so long as the ground rules are observed.