Unsure what to do.

LegacyUser

Hey,

My issue is quite trivial compared to others who post here, but I'm hoping some of you kind folks can help me figure out how best to handle this. Background is that I am a guy in my early 30s; I struggled with the notion that I am most likely gay throughout my 20s, but have begun to accept myself somewhat in the last couple of years. I'm still not really out to anybody; however, I do see this happening at some indeterminate point in the future.

Fast foward to a few months ago. I met a guy around the same age as myself online. We have subsequently hung out 5 or 6 times and have been getting on pretty well. We seem to have a good bit in common e.g. interest in a particular sport and have plenty to talk about. I've enjoyed his company; he's a nice, intelligent guy and I am attracted to him. I think the feeling is mutual, but I'm not 100% sure. When we do meet, we hang out for hours and he has spent some time in my place and vice versa.

So what's the problem you may ask. The thing is that I have initiated all our meetings so far. It's been me who has been the one to text and to re-establish contact after each meeting. He always responds quickly and favourably to my texts. Nevertheless, I sometimes get the feeling that I might never hear from him again, were I not the one to instigate the texting.

He is going home for Christmas next week for a fortnight; another EU country in continental Europe. I'd doubt we will be in contact during this time at all. Do you think I should contact him when he returns to Ireland or wait to see if he gets back in touch with me? I don't feel comfortable being the one making all the running, but I like this guy and would hope to continue meeting to see where it might go.

Reading this back, I know that I sound like a naive 18 year old , but I'm just not used to going out with another guy. He's similar in that he is also in the closet and has only been with 1 or 2 other guys. Honestly, what do you think about this situation? Do you think that I am completely barking up the wrong tree here? Should I wait for him to contact me in the new year? I don't want to lose something that could potentially be good due to my stupid pride.

Anyway, I'll leave it at that. I would really appreciate your advise on how I should proceed in 2012.

Killer Pigeon

He's probably just shy. As you say, he's not out either and maybe the idea of him being gay is still freaking him out a little, not your fault of course, I'd say he just needs time.

You also mention he's not from Ireland. Is he just here for work? Has he considered ever moving back to his own country? Another possibility is that he may just be unsure of starting any sort of long term relationship while he's here, as it may effect any future plans he has.

Zephyr91

Hmm...I'd definitely wait to see if he contacts you first. Not in a childish way, but it shouldn't be up to you to make the first move every single time. Although the fact that he agrees to meet up with you every time you text him most likely means that he does like you. He probably is just shy / insecure.

Dwn Wth Vwls

I would say make the first contact in 2012, otherwise you'll be waiting indefinitely and it'll drive you nuts. Instead of playing games (wanting to talk to him, but you don't to see what happens), just talk to him in person next time, and ask why he never contacts you.

It does require being a bit brave to talk about that face to face, but you'll get a much more honest answer. Doing it by text can seem like you're being dramatic or passive aggressive and he might misinterpret it.

Something like: "You know, I really enjoying hanging out with you, but I've noticed that I'm always the one to contact you. You never make the effort to get in touch with me first.". Works much better in person than by text.

Conor30

If it has been you who has been the one to initiate things all of the 6 times, then you need to stand back now and see if he makes a move. Otherwise, you're starting to make a fool of yourself.

If I were you, I'd adopt a wait-and-see approach in the New Year to see if he gets in touch. If he doesn't, then he just wasn't that into you. It'd mean he probably liked you but not 'enough'.

If a guy likes you, even a shy guy, he'll contact you, even if it's only a short text. Simples.

cgcsb

just to be clear. Have you and him had sex? kissed? held hands? cuddled? all of the above?

if not he probably thinks that you just want to be his friend.

Dwn Wth Vwls

Conor30 wrote: »

If I were you, I'd adopt a wait-and-see approach in the New Year to see if he gets in touch. If he doesn't, then he just wasn't that into you. It'd mean he probably liked you but not 'enough'.

Personally I think this situation is different. The guy sounds a bit shy, he's still in the closet, he's from another country, he might be intimidated about initiating anything.

I think people are far too quick to stand back and wait for something to happen. A lot more friendships and relationships would probably happen if people were a bit more direct and honest with their approach. If the OP doesn't contact this guy and he's too shy to do anything about it, then they both lose, and for what?

cafecolour

Eh. Don't overanalyze this stuff (he didn't text me first - he can't like me!) and devolve into gam eplaying.

If he responds quickly and favorably, he likes you. Maybe he's a passive personality and prefers someone else to be the organizer. That's fine, continue to be so as long as it suits you.

Conor30

cafecolour wrote: »

Eh. Don't overanalyze this stuff (he didn't text me first - he can't like me!) and devolve into gam eplaying.

If he responds quickly and favorably, he likes you. Maybe he's a passive personality and prefers someone else to be the organizer. That's fine, continue to be so as long as it suits you.

I don't really agree. It's not nice for one person to have to do all the 'running'. Even if the other person is shy and very passive, they should still have to do some of the work if they're into the guy. We're only surmising that the guy is even shy at all...the OP never actually said he thought the guy is actually shy, just that he's foreign and 'in the closet'. Being shy and in the closet are not the same! You seriously think someone is so shy that they can't even send a simple, short text?? LOL

I don't see it as game playing at all; it's just human psychology.

Untense

Hopeful Guy wrote: »

Hey,
I think the feeling is mutual, but I'm not 100% sure.

There's only one person who will have an answer to that. When it's us and another person, we only ever have half the information. To communicate effectively, we need to somehow get the other half. While we can glean certain things from a person's reaction or the way they beat around the bush, as often as not, we misjudge what a person is thinking/feeling based on a facial expression or a tone of voice, or worse again - reading between the lines in a text message. We can never truly be certain of something unless we ask the other person directly.

This seems scary, to say or ask something outright. What if they reply with something we don't want to hear, or they don't respond to a direct statement / question. Well, it's better than having to second-guess everything constantly. At least for me, I'd have no interest in being with someone who wasn't capable of communicating directly, and I would have as little interest being with someone who isn't attracted to me as they would have with me! It might not be a guaranteed 'ideal' outcome, but that's reality for you. It's best to find out what they're like now rather than wait.

I sometimes get the feeling that I might never hear from him again, were I not the one to instigate the texting.

I don't feel comfortable being the one making all the running, but I like this guy and would hope to continue meeting to see where it might go.

Sounds like you're pretty clear what you would like and what you don't like. Ideally you could tell him this, so that he can respond as he sees best for him. If he's interested, he would want to put more effort in to communicating, and your honesty and openness might even encourage him to be more forthright with whatever he thinks. If he were not interested, he might tell you outright, or he might become even less responsive. Either way, it's better to find out sooner than to feel like you were "strung along" for weeks or months. (It's funny how people describe it this way, as if it was entirely the other person being indirect). Either way, you would be speeding up the outcome.

Do you think that I am completely barking up the wrong tree here?

Nobody here can answer that, since we don't know him and we don't know you. Even you haven't enough information to make an assessment yet of whether he's interested or not. You know you're interested. Is your level of interest as clear to him as it is to you? It doesn't sound like it. Then there's his interest, which you haven't got out on the table yet.

Should I wait for him to contact me in the new year?

You mentioned that he never contacts you first. I mean, you could wait. He might contact you first this time, but what do you actually gain out of waiting? I can't see any value in it.

I don't want to lose something that could potentially be good due to my stupid pride.

Look at what you lose if you act: The uncomfortable feeling of making all the first moves, the unsettling feeling of not-knowing if you're barking up the wrong tree. The constant wondering, 'should I contact him now or wait and see does he make the first move this time'?

On the other hand, if it turns out he's not interested. You would do away with potentially months of waiting with hope and expectation, all eventually let down when you somehow discover that he isn't interested.

In such circumstances it is never worth keeping these things to yourself. Can you think of anything positive in continuing? Nothing good can come of it. You have nothing to lose, except lots of time wasted experiencing unconstructive mental crap - and plenty to gain. Talk to the guy!

floggg

If its bothering you, talk to him about it politely and see what's what.

If you adopt a wait and see attitude, you both might be sitting around waiting for each other to get in contact. Where does that get anybody.

If you talk to him then either you know he likes you and you two can move forward from there. If he doesn't like you, or only likes you as a friend, you know where you are.

The wait and see thing won't get you anywhere fast though.

Conor30

floggg wrote: »

If its bothering you, talk to him about it politely and see what's what.

If you adopt a wait and see attitude, you both might be sitting around waiting for each other to get in contact. Where does that get anybody.

If you talk to him then either you know he likes you and you two can move forward from there. If he doesn't like you, or only likes you as a friend, you know where you are.

The wait and see thing won't get you anywhere fast though.

True, in a way, but sometimes people don't want to come over all heavy when it's all so in the early stages. Usually people want to keep it light-hearted. What's he supposed to ask him?? "Are we just friends or more?". "How come you never contact me?". Such questions just come across as a bit needy. It would be a bit of a turn-off for me if a guy asked me those questions so early on in a 'courtship'.

It's not exactly a good sign if you even have to ask someone what's what, after meeting them SIX times. It should be a natural flow of enjoying each other's company, being intimidate and having fun. The contacting each other should be a two-way thing.

stephen_n

Simplest answer is to tell him how you feel and ask him how he feels anything else is just guesstimating with no real information.

cafecolour

I really think waiting to see if he contacts first out of pride is essentially cutting of the nose to spite the face. If he responds quickly and favorably to the texts, then he's interested, regardless of whether he initiates. If he wasn't that interested he wouldn't respond to the texts for a while (if at all) and he'd put off meetings.

OP, I don't think you should make a problem where there isn't one. Since he's been the one doing the initiating so far, if the you stops initiating, the other guy might well assume that means you stop being interested.

Having said all that, if you really want to try and get him to initiate, do this: Tell him (or text him) "Have a good Christmas. Text me when you're back and we'll meet up."

That explicitly puts the onus in his court.

LegacyUser

Hey,

It's the OP reverting back. Firstly, thank you all for your comments and insights. Much appreciated.

It's been mentioned repeatedly that he seems very shy or insecure; I just want to clarify that he is not particularly shy, nor am I. However, we are both pretty quiet people and neither of us are very demonstrative. I think this is part of the problem on both ends. Perhaps the fact that this is a new experience is playing a role here.

I think I also overstated how one-sided the contact has been to date. For instance, we might meet up on a Saturday; I would text him mid-week to say "how's it going?" and he would often be the one to suggest that we hang out and do something the coming weekend. Similarly, he was to one take the initiative to invite me back to his place after we hung out one day.

This leads me to believe that the interest is mutual and is not just something I've concocted in my own head . He definitely knows that I like him and am looking for more than a friendship. I guess I'm puzzled as to why I am always the one who has to re-establish contact everytime when there is apparent interest on both sides? It also raises the question if there will be any further contact after a 2-week hiatus over Christmas?

@Conor 30: You hit the nail on the head. I really don't want to become all heavy and deep & meaningful this early in a "potential" relationship. I'm enjoying the guy's company and look forward to meeting him.

However, I'm not needy, nor do I want to pressurise him. If this fails to evolve into anything, sure I'll be a little disappointed, but ultimately I have plenty going in in my own life. I would much rather keep it light-hearted and fun, at least for the initial few months whilst we are getting to know one another. I don't intend to confront him with questions like "do you like me?" and "where do you see this going?". Obviously, the drawback to this approach is that I find him very difficult to read and am trying decipher some pretty ambiguous clues as to whether he does like me or not.

@Killer Pidgeon: I think the second scenario you have called out might also be a factor. He mentioned that whilst he likes living in Ireland, long term he will probably return to his home country. This might explain his reluctance to get too involved.

I really appreciate the commentary from posters e.g. Utense and floggg advicating that I ask him directly where I stand. However, I won't be taking this route as (i) it's simply way too early in the day to start posing those types of questions (ii) i'm hoping that this will naturally reveal itself if and when we continue meeting in the new year.

@ Dwn Wth Vwls and cafecolour, I plan to take your sound advise on board and will drop him a text in the new year if I don't hear anything from him beforehand. I truly hope that I am not making a fool of myself, but am prepared to stick my neck out a bit to see if something developes. I plan to put the entire dilemma to the back of my mind over Christmas and I guess I'll have an answer of sorts pretty quickly in 2012. It would be nice if there is a favourable outcome, but it's not the end of the world if he decides not to pursue it any further.

I just want to reiterate my thanks to all of you for taking the time to respond. Please feel free to add anything else based on the updated information I have posted if you have the time or inclination.

Conor30

cafecolour wrote: »

Having said all that, if you really want to try and get him to initiate, do this: Tell him (or text him) "Have a good Christmas. Text me when you're back and we'll meet up."

That explicitly puts the onus in his court.

I agree, and I think this is what I'd do, if I found myself in such a scenario! Sending such a text to someone is a great way to test the water to see if they do actually like you that way.

Conor30

OP Hopeful guy wrote: »

Hey,

It's the OP reverting back. Firstly, thank you all for your comments and insights. Much appreciated.

It's been mentioned repeatedly that he seems very shy or insecure; I just want to clarify that he is not particularly shy, nor am I. However, we are both pretty quiet people and neither of us are very demonstrative. I think this is part of the problem on both ends. Perhaps the fact that this is a new experience is playing a role here.

I think I also overstated how one-sided the contact has been to date. For instance, we might meet up on a Saturday; I would text him mid-week to say "how's it going?" and he would often be the one to suggest that we hang out and do something the coming weekend. Similarly, he was to one take the initiative to invite me back to his place after we hung out one day.

This leads me to believe that the interest is mutual and is not just something I've concocted in my own head . He definitely knows that I like him and am looking for more than a friendship. I guess I'm puzzled as to why I am always the one who has to re-establish contact everytime when there is apparent interest on both sides? It also raises the question if there will be any further contact after a 2-week hiatus over Christmas?

@Conor 30: You hit the nail on the head. I really don't want to become all heavy and deep & meaningful this early in a "potential" relationship. I'm enjoying the guy's company and look forward to meeting him.

However, I'm not needy, nor do I want to pressurise him. If this fails to evolve into anything, sure I'll be a little disappointed, but ultimately I have plenty going in in my own life. I would much rather keep it light-hearted and fun, at least for the initial few months whilst we are getting to know one another. I don't intend to confront him with questions like "do you like me?" and "where do you see this going?". Obviously, the drawback to this approach is that I find him very difficult to read and am trying decipher some pretty ambiguous clues as to whether he does like me or not.

@Killer Pidgeon: I think the second scenario you have called out might also be a factor. He mentioned that whilst he likes living in Ireland, long term he will probably return to his home country. This might explain his reluctance to get too involved.

I really appreciate the commentary from posters e.g. Utense and floggg advicating that I ask him directly where I stand. However, I won't be taking this route as (i) it's simply way too early in the day to start posing those types of questions (ii) i'm hoping that this will naturally reveal itself if and when we continue meeting in the new year.

@ Dwn Wth Vwls and cafecolour, I plan to take your sound advise on board and will drop him a text in the new year if I don't hear anything from him beforehand. I truly hope that I am not making a fool of myself, but am prepared to stick my neck out a bit to see if something developes. I plan to put the entire dilemma to the back of my mind over Christmas and I guess I'll have an answer of sorts pretty quickly in 2012. It would be nice if there is a favourable outcome, but it's not the end of the world if he decides not to pursue it any further.

I just want to reiterate my thanks to all of you for taking the time to respond. Please feel free to add anything else based on the updated information I have posted if you have the time or inclination.

Glad the advice form everyone has helped. You seem like an articulate, intelligent and grounded guy and I hope this foreign lad appreciates you! :pac:

LegacyUser

Hey,

It's the OP resurrecting this old thread. Some of you took the time to give me some solid advice when I posted initially; I thought it was only fair that I update you on how my situation played out. Unfortunately, this tale doesn't conclude with a "happy ever after" ending.

The guy I had been meeting went home for Christmas and I didn't expect to hear from him until he returned to Ireland. To my surprise, he texted me a couple of times from his home country wishing me a happy Christmas and indicating that he was looking forward to meeting in the new year. I was really pleased to hear from him and construed from these texts that he must like me to some extent.

He arrived back in Ireland in late December; I texted him on new year's eve to wish him well. I didn't expect to meet and had my own long standing plans. He responded with the typical "see you soon" text. Anyway, I heard nothing at all the following week so I texted him at the last minute to see if he wanted to hang out that weekend. I received a fairly lacklustre "yes" after he checked that he didn't have alternative plans. When we did meet in person, it all went pretty well. However, my gut instinct told me that he was there almost under duress and we went our separate ways after a few hours.

I resolved not to initiate contact again; I genuinely felt that I had put enough effort into trying to move things forward, and in truth, I was a bit miffed by our less than successful meet-up. Anyway, to cut to the chase, I've not heard from him at all in nearly three weeks. I also noticed earlier this week that he has been logging back into site on which we originally encountered one another.

Needless to say, I'm a little bit disappointed at how this situation has unfolded. Seeing him back on the website has eliminated any futile hopes I had that he would resume contact. I know it's ridiculous, but every time my phone beeps with a new text, I secretly hope that it is him. The thing that really confuses me is why he bothered texting me from abroad over Christmas and then completely reversed his behavior upon return to Dublin?

I feel like a bit of a twat for sticking my neck out for somebody I liked when the feeling was clearly not reciprocated. I sometimes wonder if I fabricated the entire thing in my own head I suppose at least I gave it a shot anyway. Some of you called it right in your earlier posts; I should have payed more heed to your advice !! Anyway, you live and learn. Hopefully I cross paths with somebody who feels the same way the next time.


Thanks again to you all and good luck.

Dwn Wth Vwls

I don't think you stuck your neck out, nor do I think you should feel like a twat. You made the effort and that should be commended. Okay so it doesn't seem to have worked out this time, and you'll probably never know why for sure, but it will work out some time in the future. You just have to keep trying.

Conor30

Sorry to hear that but I didn't have a good feeling about it all myself. You really sound like such a nice guy, so you don't deserve that kind of treatment. It's a cliché, but you're better off without him.

He probably was just looking for sex. Don't take it personally. I don't know why he texted you from him home country only to go cold on you once he returned to Ireland. Maybe he met someone else? Who knows why he acted with mixed signals?

Whatever man said women can be hard to figure out obviously didn't have to deal with men!