From me to best friend in less than 12 hours, with twists!

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Ok, bit of a messed up situation but I'm sure you'll all be able to perhaps see through the cloud that's fogging up my head right now and maybe help me decide what to do.

The story's kind of complicated, but I'll have a bash at explaining it as best I can.

I'm at college in the UK. I'm doing a really strange course that means I spend time at college and time on placements, pretty evenly split. I run a forum site based on my career.

I have two friends. One, let's call her Sarah, I have known since I started the course last year. We've become very close, even though we only spent three months together last year and then had eight months apart. By close I don't mean romantically - I'm gay. She's a really good friend and since we came back to college this year we've become closer and shared many issues. For all intents and purposes, she's my best friend.

A guy, let's call him John, is a year behind me and Sarah. He joined my website and we got talking. He followed me on Twitter, added me on Facebook and we spoke about what things would be like for him at college. As time went on, we became good friends but always via text message. Despite the fact we knew who each of us was, we didn't speak in, say, the college canteen. Because of the non-personal aspect, we shared a lot about ourselves. We eventually started talking in person and got on really well. I got an inkling he was a bit curious about his sexuality, and followed this up. Turns out he was. After a few weeks he said he thought I was cute and wouldn't mind sleeping with me. I told him I thought he was pretty cute too, and that I'd be happy to. I made it quite clear that he could trust me with his secret - we had built up a level of trust by then.

So, last Friday we went for a drink with Sarah and a few of my other friends. John needed a bit of convincing to come because he didn't really know any of my friends. He did and he met Sarah for the first time, while she was quite drunk. We didn't stay long, and went back to the college campus (where he lives). We had some drinks and chatted with other people in his year. At one stage, I went back to his room to get a drink and he followed. After a bit of awkwardness, I ended up giving him a bit of a blowjob. It was pretty good but we decided to head back to see everyone else inc ase they got suspicious. At the end of the night, I stayed in his room and we got very intimate.

We spoke afterwards (as in, immediately afterwards) and we agreed it was pretty good and that neither of us would feel awkward. In fact, we talked about when we might do it again. He expressed a passing interest in Sarah ("I wouldn't say no...") but quickly dismissed it because he knew it would mess things up. I agreed and asked him not to. All was well.

Saturday evening, Sarah went around to his and they did it. They did it on Sunday, Monday and... well... every day since then. I quickly caught on on Monday when I saw her car in the car park (she lives off campus) well after her finish time and she wasn't in the library. She told me that evening while I was at her flat for a TV night.

She could tell I was taken aback and when I left she sent me a text saying she's break it off with him if I wanted. I, being the good friend, said that I couldn't ask her to do something that would make her unhappy.

Over the past few days, I've been acting as normal as possible with Sarah but I've been texting John a lot. Apparently he feels awful. Terrible. But not awful enough to stop. Problem is, I can't tell Sarah EXACTLY why I'm so messed up by the whole thing, so if I ask her to stop I look like the w***er.

John wants everything to be normal again. I do too. But I'm not sure it can be while they're doing it. He's the golden boy in Sarah's eyes, and while she knows I'm a bit awkward because it's two good friends doing it, she doesn't (and can't) know how much of a prat he's been.

I've just been completely dumped on and don't know what to do! I feel used, angry, anxious and goodness knows what else. I actually felt physically ill with worry yesterday! I text either of them and I get a simultaneous response after an hour or so while they do it. I avoid being on campus because I don't want to be in the library while they do it in his room. They both say I'm their priority because I'm such a good friend, yet every chance they can they're in his room and I'm left in the cold.

Help!

MessedUpGuy

LittleBook

Wow, I'm sure there's an 80s movie with this exact plot!

I'm not sure if you're upset because John got with Sarah after he'd been with you and had agreed not to be with Sarah ... or because your two good friends (who'd never met until recently) are now an item and you're being left out. It seems to be a bit of both. Do you have feelings for John? Are you angry with him for not being interested in you, instead of Sarah? Are you worried about Sarah being involved with this guy?

I think it's understandable that you'd feel a hurt by him moving on to someone else almost immediately, particularly since it was on to your friend. But you and John appear to have been only messing about (for want of a better expression) and Sarah has no idea that you and he had been intimate, so I don't think either of them have behaved that badly.

They've met, they've clicked and you'll have to learn to live with that. It's tough that the your two (best?) friends have started a relationship, it must be hard feeling like you're being left out. But if the relationship does last, you can hope that they're in a honeymoon period now and will eventually come up for air and spend more time with you again.

In the meantime, keep busy and spend time with your other friends.

mikemac1

You brought John out, he met your friends and Sarah for the first time and well whatever happened, by the next day Sarah is calling around to see him.
I don't know how they managed that when she was drunk and you and John were together.
Swopped numbers when you weren't around? Doesn't matter anyway, they've hooked up

MessedUpGuy wrote: »

Problem is, I can't tell Sarah EXACTLY why I'm so messed up by the whole thing, so if I ask her to stop I look like the w***er.

she doesn't (and can't) know how much of a prat he's been.

She knows you are gay and she knows you brought him on the night out.

You say she doesn't know the full story, this arrangement you and John had.
But you also say she offered to break off with him when you got upset in the flat.

So does she know about you and John or not?

Apparently he feels awful. Terrible. But not awful enough to stop.

But of course :rolleyes:
He's a young college lad with a girl visited him daily. Maybe this thing will burn out in a few weeks but he's not going to stop while it's going

seamus

Yeah, it's all just a bit messy.

He's a bit of a gob****e. But from his point of view, on one hand he has a newish strange arrangement exploring his sexuality with another man, and on the other hand he had an attractive woman arrive over to his place and offer to have sex with him.

The sticking point on it is probably that he never considered you and him to be in any kind of a relationship. Instead you're one of his male buddies, who he just happens to have messed around with. You asked him not to sleep with a female friend, but there isn't that much honour between guys unless the girl is a serious ex.

For most men, if a mate said, "Please don't sleep with Sarah because I like her", he might agree to it, but if Sarah came over to his house and offered it up, then all's fair in love and war. I think this is probably where he's coming from.

It is a bit crappy for you, but you'll agree that there was never any kind of exclusivity agreement between you and him. You asked him not to sleep with her, OK, but you didn't agree that you were in a relationship.

So while he reneged on that specific promise not to sleep with her, he doesn't seem to have "cheated" on you or anything like that. Sounds like a technicality and small comfort no doubt, but remove the fact that you've slept with him from the equation and imagine that you had just asked him not to sleep with her and he did anyway. Would you be annoyed with him?

tinkerbell

Ok Sarah knows you not this guy John. She's your best friend. She deserves to know that the night before she slept with this guy John that he slept with you as well. Does she even know he's slept with men before? She deserves to know what happened, you need to tell her. I find it very strange that he sleeps with a man one night and a woman the next, there are lots of people who would not want to be involved in someone who does that kind of thing.

Carriexx

I dont understand why your not telling Sarah??

tinkerbell

I gathered from the OP's post that it's more an issue that Sarah doesn't know that the guy she is sleeping with had sex with another man the night before they got together, the other man happens to be her best friend. That's just really weird in my opinion. I'm sure she'd want to know if her new guy had slept with her male best friend a few hours previously!

LegacyUser

I promised John that I wouldn't tell. And I still feel like I can't.

I'm being as normal as possible for their sakes, but I've made him well aware of the pretty crappy situation he's put me in. I nearly got to the point of ending our friendship yesterday, but couldn't do it. We've been for a drink today but with lots of people about so not much of a chance to talk.

On the positive side, he leaves mid-January for his placement (while Sarah and I stay until May and March respectively) and the next time any of us will be together at college will be in 2013(!).

I told him the awkwardness will probably disappear when he goes. Which is true. I suppose I'm jealous. I knew that what we did was just a bit of fun, and that's fair enough. But I'm jealous that she gets priority over his time, whereas before he was *my* friend and they just knew each other "to see". I'm not going to lie, I'm also jealous that she's having sex with him. But if it was any other girl it just wouldn't be nearly as bad.

To make things weirder, Sarah thinks I'm jealous that he's straight and that I can't have him. I just want to scream out that I have at times, but I'm not that stupid.

It's just a weird situation, but I'm trying to be as normal as possible. I'm finished now for Christmas, so won't be seeing them after Sunday, but I just know that they'll be at it until they go home for Christmas and in the few weeks after.

Thanks for all the replies, really appreciate it. Only nice people can take a genuine interest in people's messed up lives! :-)

tinkerbell

OP, it's a rotten situation for you to be in. However, I still think your loyalty should be with your best friend Sarah, not this new friend of yours John. She thinks he is straight! He clearly isn't. She's sleeping with someone who she thinks is straight but who actually isn't at all. I'm sure she'd have a different opinion of him to find out otherwise, unless she's into that kind of thing.

It's up to you, but personally I don't think it's right that you keep this from your best friend. If she finds out later on down the line, not only will she be upset that her new guy slept with her best friend the night before (so is her boyfriend gay or bisexual?), but also that you who she knew for much longer, didn't even tell her! She should be able to make up her own mind if she wants to be with someone who is bisexual.

Meller

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, it's a rotten situation for you to be in. However, I still think your loyalty should be with your best friend Sarah, not this new friend of yours John. She thinks he is straight! He clearly isn't. She's sleeping with someone who she thinks is straight but who actually isn't at all. I'm sure she'd have a different opinion of him to find out otherwise, unless she's into that kind of thing.

It's up to you, but personally I don't think it's right that you keep this from your best friend. If she finds out later on down the line, not only will she be upset that her new guy slept with her best friend the night before (so is her boyfriend gay or bisexual?), but also that you who she knew for much longer, didn't even tell her! She should be able to make up her own mind if she wants to be with someone who is bisexual.

Not everyone thinks their boyfriend or girlfriend being bisexual is a big deal. Some people couldn't care less; as long as they're not lying about their intentions in their relationship, this 'she deserves to know' stuff doesn't apply. It's up to John to tell her about his sexuality whenever he so wishes.

This sounds awfully awkward for you, OP, and it's perfectly understandable that you're jealous, pissed off, etc. But I think you're doing the right thing by not breaking John's confidence - he's put you in a crappy situation but it could definitely backfire on you if you 'out' him.

That said, there's also the possibility that this thing with Sarah is a kneejerk reaction to being with you because he's not comfortable with his sexuality. I'm not sure you can do anything about that now either though! - but I'd definitely keep a close eye on how things progress to make sure Sarah doesn't get hurt (or blame you for not telling her!). Right now I'd keep quiet, but that might change further down the line.

Kimia

To be very honest, I think that your loyalties should lie with Sarah. She's your best friend and she deserves to know what kind of guy she's dating. I have put myself in her shoes and I would expect my best friend to tell me that he slept with my new bf a day before I did. I would be really annoyed if he didn't tell me. Who cares what you promised John - he also promised you he wouldn't get with Sarah.

cafecolour

Well, he didn't seem to imply he wanted a relationship with you. And if the extent of your sex is him receiving a 'bit of a blowjob' (and he hasn't made any attempt to reciprocate), he might be more on the curious/flirty-attention-whore side of things than even bisexual.

But I'm splitting hairs. Your jealousy isn't going to do anything but cause you pain and push him away - the more drama you create, the more he's going to back away.

Honestly, do yourself a favour. Wish them the best, distance yourself from him, and find yourself a boyfriend who isn't closeted. I know it's easier said than done, but it's a world of difference. The path your on now is just leading to obsession and you missing a lot of other, better opportunities.

pragmatic1

Theres an old saying dude that people dont often pay attention too but its worth considering, "some things are best left unsaid".

Bottle_of_Smoke

I wouldn't tell her - it was a big thing he told you.

I wouldn't bother being mates with him any more though.

Firetrap

You're caught in a terrible situation here. And really, unless you keep your mouth shut, it has disaster and ruined friendships written all over it. If you tell Sarah the truth, you run the risk of losing both her and John as friends, not to mention mutual friends. What John did to you was unfair but for whatever reason, he has decided to be with Sarah rather than you. You're jealous as hell over this but you're going to have to accept that you've been left out in the cold for this particular episode.

msg11

OP, just drop John. He messed you around by the sounds of it. Would you want to be sleeping with a guy that moves around at the drop of a hat?

Sarah is your best friend, you should tell her about Johns past with yourself. Say it in a confidential arrangement. IE if she doesn't want to be sleeping with him anymore then she won't say it was something to do with yourself.

But play your cards right OP , this situation could go from bad to worse in seconds!

LegacyUser

Forgot to mention, I was aware that anything we did was just fooling about. It was more than just me giving him a blowjob - he did me too and he really quite wanted to go further but I wasn't quite up for it. We were both pretty sober.

I should also point out that he's 17, Sarah's 21 and I'm 23.

We had a "normal" chat yesterday, and I had it in my head that I'd just try to stay normal. But I've just found out he stayed at hers last night and probably will be tonight. Sarah was hosting a Christmas dinner type thing for some friends tomorrow which he said he wouldn't go to because of awkwardness. I've realised I can't go. Yesterday he said he'd be around Tomorrow afternoon if I happened to be bored. Now that I'm definitely not going he's thinking of going. So much for him saying his priorities hadn't changed.

I'm just... I really don't know!

Meller

I know it's not a good idea to make definite assumptions based on age, but John is fairly young compared to you and Sarah - that's a big gap at that age. Most 17-year-olds aren't hugely responsible and mature and even if this particular one is (which he doesn't sound), he's still not going to have much experience in dealing with situations in an adult way.

It does sound a bit like he's not really happy about what he did with you OP, though - could that possibly be why you're angry with him? You say that he was all up for it at the time and wanted to go further but now he's done a complete 180 - supposedly because of Sarah, but I wonder how genuinely interested in her he was if, as you say, he seemed fairly into you so shortly beforehand. He wouldn't let you tell anybody about it so he's obviously not 100 per cent comfortable with himself, as well as being very young, not having been with another guy before, etc.

He's definitely screwed you over, but I dunno - if it's still really bothering you you could probably try talking to him about it again and telling him how you were a bit angry about it. He sounds a bit lost and confused about the whole situation himself, and might actually be waiting for the opportunity to talk about it.

Firetrap

You're going to have to accept that John's now with Sarah for all intents and purposes. It's clearly bothering you that they two of them now seem to be at it like rabbits but that something you'll have to come to terms with. What happened between the two of you is now in the past tense and he doesn't want to revisit it. There could be any number of reasons why but at a guess, he might not be comfortable/sure of his sexuality. Being with Sarah simplifies a lot of things for him.

From your point of view, you'll have to accept that whatever it was that the two of you had was a once off and he'll not be back for seconds. It's not easy for you to be a bystander but which would be worse from your point of view? Knowing what's going on at the moment or risk losing Sarah's friendship if you spill the beans?