I got it bad and that ain't good

LegacyUser

So there's a girl I met about 3 months ago in college. Without wanting to seem conceited, my initial thoughts were purely centred around how physically attractive she was. Due to the way the course is organized we meet once a week. I got talking to her a little at the beginning, always about the work that had to be done and when it had to be done for - and then talking more comfortably as the weeks went by about general things; "get up to anything at the weekend?", "what did you do before this?" and all that.

After these first few conversations I realised just how nice she was, how interesting and different she was from other girls i know. I understand where she comes from on nearly everything; we share a lot of the same opinions and she has specific aspirations that I love. She seems to have time to give a hand to anyone and would probably do anything you asked of her.

Combining this with how physically attractive she is, I haven't been able to stop thinking about her for about 2-3 weeks. We're always in contact about work that's due in - the two of us being in the same group. She is always on my mind; I find myself checking my phone for messages and emails from her - in fact it's pretty much the first thing i do in the morning. And to be honest I hate texting but i find any contact with her to be positive. I find the few hours I spend with her every week are like a shot in arm; a shot that quickly fades away.

I'm basically f**king mad about her. I'd probably do anything for her - in fact if she rang me now to ask me to go into town to stand in the rain with her I'd be straight out the door.

During our conversations i've sent the few odd flirty texts (which i'm crap at) but to no avail as far as I can tell. And i know that texts are awful for that kind of thing but I have never had the balls to ask her out. I even drunk-texted her, which is an awfully embarrassing thing to admit. I turned the conversation towards the weekend and it turned out we were both free; i then went with, "fancy doing anything?!". To which (90 mins later) I got, "yeah, if we can get some people together". I would label that the death-knell for my aspirations of being with this girl. Maybe it serves me right for doing something as f**king stupid as that.

I really want to just be with her. As much as i cringe writing this, I have an image of the two of us just sitting on a couch together watching a movie - although perhaps that's the definition of loneliness. I was quite happy before i met her - i don't think i was lonely anyway. That's changed now though.

I do want to ask her out though, i really do. There are a number of, what i would deem, insurmountable objects to hurdle though.

Firstly, among my friends, i am famed for my "crippling shyness".

Secondly, she is out of my league, there's no two ways about that one. We're in and around the same age but she's a stunning girl and i'm a slightly overweight balding lovesick man.

Third. I don't want to make her feel unbelievably uncomfortable when she has to say no, i wouldn't like to be thrust into the same position myself.

Four. I still have to see and work with her for the next nine months, so when the inevitable happens and she says no I'm not sure it'll be possible to work properly together.

Fiveish. I really like her and wouldn't want to lose her as a friend; but at the same time i'm not sure i'd ever be able to think of her as just a friend. If she said no and things went over smoothly enough, i'd still be obsessed with her, still be thinking about her all the time.

I can't be sure of the specific reason i'm posting this. I'm not sure if it's for advice; maybe it's just to get it off my chest. Either way, i don't feel any better to be perfectly honest.

Wibbs

Better here OP

curlzy

Ah OP, that is so so sucky:( it's hard to have such strong feelings and not be able to do something about it. I'm not going to tell you to just go for it because you probably know yourself what the likelihood of the her accepting would be. In fairness you did ask her out and she said yeah if you could get people together so I think that might be her way of gently saying no. Could you not be content to be her friend? If she's as lovely as you say then she'd be a nice friend to have at the very least. I think the best thing to do it be her friend and maybe down the road when she gets to know you more she might be interested in something more? Either way don't obsess or put her on a pedistal, she human like everyone, she may be truly lovely but obsessing about her won't lead to happiness at all.

Best of luck.

Miss Fluff

Aw you've got it bad don't you? I think you need to ask her out. Faint heart never won fair lady and she may say yes, you never know! I think you have to ask her out, and be very clear that it's a date, and see what she says. If she says no (and she is the bright and sensitive girl that you describe) then it shouldn't effect things all that much and you both continue on as normal. I hope it goes well for you!

turfthrower

Gosh, that's tricky.

Probably the most important thing to remember is that nobody was ever offended by being asked out. Also, not many people think of themselves as being gorgeous. Everyone has more or less the same insecurities as everyone else, although some people do a better job of getting on with it than others.

So I'd ask her out. I'd be ready for a rejection, because sometimes that happens - and not necessarily for the reasons you'd think. She may not want to be in a relationship with someone she's gonna see everyday. Lots of people feel that way about work/college relationships on principle, and they have a point.

But I'd still ask. Nothing ventured, nothing gained etc. You never know. If she does say no, the most important thing becomes that you don't weird her out by changing the way you react to her. Most of us can't help who we find attractice or unattractive, so in for that reason I wouldn't take a rejection personally.

Eve_Dublin

Ah the age old story, OP. Can I just say though...I really like the sound of you from reading your post. I was struck by how intelligent, kind, funny and self-aware you come across as hence why I "liked" your post but you seem to be quite hard on yourself. People like you have no reason to be so shy.

Listen, the fact that she got back to you with the, "We could go out if we got a group together" doesn't sound good, I'll be honest. I've given that excuse myself in the past but can I just say, women usually know when a man likes them...I have a feeling this girl knows. I suggest you play it cool and back off with the texts (particularly the drunken one!!), emails etc and see how things pan out. It's still only been a few weeks since you met her. Other people might call this playing games but I think it's just keeping things on an even keel between the two of you. I know you're crazy about the girl but cool it a little bit with the eagerness to please. I'm not suggesting you ignore her or anything like that but be friendly like you would to anyone else you like in a platonic way.

And OP, you need to work on how you view yourself. If you believe you're out of shape, then get in shape. You fancied this girl because she's stunning....well women are much the same (but not nearly as much) in that they like men who are in shape and look after themselves. If you believe you're "out of her league" physically, well it's in your hands to change that to some degree.

And the shyness...well it's a label you've been given by others and one you've taken on board yourself but shyness can be overcome. As I said before, you've absolutely no reason to be shy going on your OP. You come across like the kind of guy I would've liked to have known in university and even though you fancy this girl, you still talk to her (which is more than I might've done back in the day)....there's no way you suffer from "crippling shyness" if that's the case. Ignore these labels and get on with it. They become a self-fulfilling prophecy and are often an excuse not to go for what you want. Don't let a word hold you back.

Best of luck with it OP and remember play it cool and easy. No games, you're just keeping things on an even keel between you. That's the best way to go about it at this stage, I think.

LegacyUser

Well at least the differing suggestions shows that I'm not making this situation seem more difficult than it seems.

Like I said earlier, I think that text may have been the clear indication that she wasn't interested - a gentle but clear sign that it's not going to happen.

And OP, you need to work on how you view yourself. If you believe you're out of shape, then get in shape. You fancied this girl because she's stunning....well women are much the same (but not nearly as much) in that they like men who are in shape and look after themselves. If you believe you're "out of her league" physically, well it's in your hands to change that to some degree.

I know I can do something about being a bit overweight, I've done it before and i'll do it again. But sometimes you just don't look great and that's the way it is. It's unfortunate for me because I think if I was better looking that that might just be a clincher, given how well i get along with her. And that's not me feeling sorry for myself; I think i'm being realistic, there's no point fooling myself.

Perhaps the answer is to just distance myself. I might try to just limit our interactions to talk about work that has to be done and leave it at that. Maybe that way i can get over her, even though I really don't want to get over her.

I know if i told her exactly how i felt i'd know longer be that guy that gets along with her fine, i'd be that weirdo with the obsession that makes her uncomfortable.

There's a Christmas party coming up that I'm considering giving a miss for a number of reasons. I don't want to do or say anything that I would no doubt regret. If I was ever to say anything to her, a club or pub in front of everyone wouldn't be the location i'd choose. And maybe more importantly, if i was to see her kissing someone else....well I don't know, it'd be like a sledgehammer to the heart.

@Eve_Dublin: I think i'll try your approach; even if it's not what i want. I'm not really sure what it will achieve but at least there's less chance of me feeling like an embarrassed idiot and making the next year wholly uncomfortable for the two of us.

jayteecork

That really struck a chord with me, OP.

I was friends with this girl and I got with her for a while - not long and she dumped me last September.

Needless to say I was gutted.

Since then I've been unable to get her out of my head - it's actually quite scary seeing as it's 4 months later.
Worst of all is my drunken texts and now she genuinely hates me. I wouldn't blame her really. And I still can't stop thinking of her!!
Like you I felt happy before I met her, now I feel desperately lonely - I live by myself.

At least I can avoid her.
I really feel for you - you have to deal with her because of your course.

LegacyUser

So, i asked her out. She said no.

She said that she doesn't want to go out with someone in college or someone that is in her group. Whether that is the full truth, i don't know. All i know is that if someone in college that i wasn't attracted to asked me out, i'd probably be using that excuse. As i expected, she took it very well and was really nice about it. She has been really nice about it and things are back to normal, or at least they appear to be.

The problem is we're on to each other all the time about work stuff and meeting up. My feelings haven't gone away - the more i get to know her the more i like her. I'm mad about her but she just doesn't see me like that at all as far as i can tell. I'm pretty much at the depths of despair right now and i just want to take her aside and tell her exactly how i feel about her and hope that she has some kind of feelings for me - but she doesn't; and that isn't an easy thing to accept when you feel so strongly about someone.

I find myself wondering if she thought, when i asked her out, that i was just throwing it out there as a possibility, as if i was just testing the waters. Maybe if she knew that i was nuts about her she might give it a shot. Every minute around her is an exercise in self-restraint. And i don't mean in a purely sexual way - i just want to kiss her, hug her, share things with her, go places with her - just be a part of her life.

Again, i don't know why i'm posting this.

I'm lost...

rediguana25

F**k i know it's hard but you have to leave it there. You will only torture yourself otherwise. She is pretty clear and I can assure you she knows exactly how you feel about her- intuition, instinct whatever it is she senses it anyway and probably knew you would ask her out at some stage. Unfortunately you can't make yourself feel something for someone and you can't make someone feel something they don't either. Don't try to explain anything to her it won't make a blind bit of difference to how she feels about you except maybe to make things more awkward. I know if someone pushed it after I explained where I stood I'd be avoiding them or would feel sh1tty about it.
I know it's hard but you will get over her why not focus more on yourself, get more exercise so that you can feel better about yourself, have fun with other friends, avoid socialising with her and before long you will be in a better place not feeling in such despair. Chin up :-)

Overheal

yeah...... this is sounding dangerous if you carry on. And she's not taken or anything either, which will just drive you mad. I advise you steer clear. A friendship can develop but only if you can truly kill your romantic attraction which seems unlikely.

LegacyUser

deadweight wrote: »

So, i asked her out. She said no.

She said that she doesn't want to go out with someone in college or someone that is in her group. Whether that is the full truth, i don't know. All i know is that if someone in college that i wasn't attracted to asked me out, i'd probably be using that excuse. As i expected, she took it very well and was really nice about it. She has been really nice about it and things are back to normal, or at least they appear to be.

The problem is we're on to each other all the time about work stuff and meeting up. My feelings haven't gone away - the more i get to know her the more i like her. I'm mad about her but she just doesn't see me like that at all as far as i can tell. I'm pretty much at the depths of despair right now and i just want to take her aside and tell her exactly how i feel about her and hope that she has some kind of feelings for me - but she doesn't; and that isn't an easy thing to accept when you feel so strongly about someone.

I find myself wondering if she thought, when i asked her out, that i was just throwing it out there as a possibility, as if i was just testing the waters. Maybe if she knew that i was nuts about her she might give it a shot. Every minute around her is an exercise in self-restraint. And i don't mean in a purely sexual way - i just want to kiss her, hug her, share things with her, go places with her - just be a part of her life.

Again, i don't know why i'm posting this.

I'm lost...

I completely get where you're coming from, going through something similar myself at the moment, and all I can say is it really does get easier. It takes a long time, and a hell of a lot of feeling low, but things really do get better.

squonk

Hi OP,

You sound like a nice guy so I thought I'd respond.

I've been where you are in the past also. First off, what I'd suggest is that you put a distance between yourself and herself. You should do this for a while. You'll have to work at this as it's not easy and you're going against your instincts but it's the only way. You have to get distance from her and those feelings that she sparks in you. Also you have to get to a stage where there's some equilibrium and you're not on a see-saw of hope and hurt.

The good news is that if you can do this, then out the other end you'll still have a great friendship. Infact, I actually think that some of what is there never really goes away but does add to that friendship in the long run. It happened to me and one of my best friends and after the dust has settled we're great mates.

Don't feel bad avoiding her or feel like you're pushing her away. She will know what you're doing and it's all natural really. Later down the line you can pick up where you left off but you'll be free from being mad about her and see her in a whole new light.

miaowmiaow

Awh I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out OP. I'm totally with the other posters on the fact that you sound like a really decent, nice guy with a lot of common sense.

Thing is, I recently was in the role of being "that girl" to a guy in a similar position to you right now. It's not that I didn't like him, but I just had issues of my own and for many reasons it was never going to work out, and I ended up really hurting him, cause it was a case of a drawn out long kinda-rejection-thing. Icky for all concerned parties, of which there were a few, including affected friend groups and college classes. Very awkward. All I can say is that after that we realised the only way we could possibly be friends was if we cut each other out completely for a few weeks and then started afresh.

I just think that if this girl is as nice and compassionate as you say she is then she really didn't want to hurt you. It's a regretful and lousy experience, having to let down someone that you really do like in terms of friendship and company. I do think the best thing you can do is go out and live your life and fill it with things that aren't connected to her though. She doesn't know it, but she really does have power over you through your heart. At least she hasn't been needlessly cruel or anything, but you need to recover your whole sense of self as it sounds like you've gotten really mixed up with how you're defined as a person in relation to this girl as opposed to who you are as a free individual. Loneliness is to be expected now, sure, but you need to rise to the challenge and get out there as opposed to letting it overwhelm you. Try spend time on you, not her, I guess?

Try not to let this set you back. I recommend distractions and meditation (I know, sounds ridic, but it actually clears your head), it gets your mind off things. You could easily mope around and pick out every flaw you have, whether it be appearance or the way you approached things with this girl, but let's face it, that is in no way productive. You did nothing to screw things up, and even those drunk texts sound harmless (indeed, if you did reveal your boozy feelings she was probably flattered).

I guess I just want to say try not to let this bit of heartbreak defeat you. Life is much bigger and better than any one girl. You've probably done a fair share of over-thinking and wallowing by now. Park it there, do fun things and get your mind off the girl, off the situation and review it all in 3 months time or something. Just live your life, havin' the lols. Anyway whatever you do, I hope you're happy in the end. Good luck!

Tweet0004

Hi, sorry to hear that it did not work out. Know that it hurts but you sound like such a decent nice guy. You need to remember to not take it personally. You will actually get over her, even though you feel that you will not. It will take time, and need to occupy your self. there is some girl out there, and you probably have already met her, but since you are preoccupied with this girl, you have not noticed. You will meet someone who loves you for who you are and best of luck.:)

LegacyUser

So, sorry but i'm gonna have to drag this up again.

I need some really solid tips on how to get over this girl. I'm pretty sure i'm in love with her - she's all i think about and given the fact that she feels nothing for me it's tearing me to shreds. So i need to find a way to get over her.

I think one way might be to go get another girl. The problem is i'm not the sort of guy to approach a girl in a club or pub; i don't think that's the ideal setting really - i hate it to be honest. I'd like to talk to them and get to know them a little in a surrounding without blaring music and drunk people.

holyhead

You need to keep your mind occupied. Life is too short to dream it away. We have all been gaga over a girl at some stage in our lives. We've all been knocked back. Dust yourself down and start opening up social outlets for yourself to meet new people and not just girl. Socialising allows us to switch off from life's problems or in this case dreams. Don't go for a mad babe hunt just to try and purge this girl from your mind. That is not the answer. Consider the feelings of any girl you look to date with your mind on this other girl. Distance is key. Ideally break off contact with this girl if you can as it sounds like she's an obssession to you. Maybe in time you can re-establish contact when you get a sense of realistic perspective.

ManOfMystery

deadweight wrote: »

So, sorry but i'm gonna have to drag this up again.

I need some really solid tips on how to get over this girl. I'm pretty sure i'm in love with her - she's all i think about and given the fact that she feels nothing for me it's tearing me to shreds. So i need to find a way to get over her.

I think one way might be to go get another girl. The problem is i'm not the sort of guy to approach a girl in a club or pub; i don't think that's the ideal setting really - i hate it to be honest. I'd like to talk to them and get to know them a little in a surrounding without blaring music and drunk people.

Being in love is only satisfying if it's a 2-way road. And I've always felt very strongly that many people confuse infatuation (which can develop with someone you spend a lot of time with) with true love, something that develops when 2 people feel the same way and express it to each other. I think you're more in love with the idea of being with this girl than her, because - essentially - you only really know her a few months from a weekly meeting. Her being very physically attractive is obviously not helping matters either!

You need to remind yourself (harsh as it is) that this girl isn't in love with you. You'll not gain anything from this infatuation, and if anything, you'll only end up miserable. As long as you're fixating on her, you're closing yourself off to the possibility of meeting a girl who could have an even greater impact on you than this girl, and who could love you back.

aidan24326

deadweight wrote: »

So, sorry but i'm gonna have to drag this up again.

I need some really solid tips on how to get over this girl. I'm pretty sure i'm in love with her - she's all i think about and given the fact that she feels nothing for me it's tearing me to shreds. So i need to find a way to get over her.

I think one way might be to go get another girl. The problem is i'm not the sort of guy to approach a girl in a club or pub; i don't think that's the ideal setting really - i hate it to be honest. I'd like to talk to them and get to know them a little in a surrounding without blaring music and drunk people.

You're really obsessing now OP. I know it's hard, unrequited love and all that, but you've built this up in your head into an infatuation and you're ultimately wasting your feelings on someone who simply doesn't feel the same way about you and likely never will. Sucks I know, but it's not healthy to be putting someone on such a pedestal when you don't really know her THAT well.

For all you know if the two of you did get together she might end up being a crap girlfriend. She might not be the Miss Perfect that you've created in your fantasies. You need to put her out of your mind as much as possible, and try to limit contact with her to merely what's necessary course-wise. And don't for the love of god go declaring your undying love thinking that will change her mind because it won't. This isn't the movies. She'll just start to feel weirded out that you're obsessing with her and it will get you nowhere.

fits

Yup. you need to ACCEPT her decision and then do whatever YOU need to do to move on for your own mental well being.

Everyone has been there at some stage. Hell, I bet even she has. You move on, you get over it, you see other people. Time heals a lot of wounds if you let it. Stop feeding the obsession.

Some of my best friendships started out with one or other having a crush. You do get over it eventually and good things can come from it all. But you have to accept her decision. Its never going to happen for ye.

Katy89

is there a possibility you can get out of this work relationship? The others are right, you are getting obsessed with her and the best thing in this case is to not see this person at all anymore and occupy youself woth other stuff/people.
think if there's any possibility to change work arrangements.