Depressed that I may not be able to have a child after 36

LegacyUser

I am 31 and I am worried I mighten be able to have a child in the long term future. I am a mature student at the first of a three year degree course. I am on back to education allowance My boyfriend is 29 and he is struggling to find a decent job so we can live a normal life, we live in little flat, well it's actually more like a bedsite and everything is a struggle. He doesn't drive, he has to learn , he is also studying and part time working to just about get by, he doesn't have the time or money to get lessons. I am too nervous to drive everything about our life is a strain physically and emotionally to get by. There is very little support in my life apart from my boyfriend I wouldn't have anyone. I am always tired, it takes alot for me to get by, I am getting older now and I feel it more. I always wanted to have a child, I really don't know how that's possible it all depends on ifs and buts because by the time I finish college I will be 34, then I will have a mountains to climb to get a decent job that may take a few years but that time I will be the otherside of the 30s before I can provide fully for myself and have saved some to be able to have a child. I am worried about the chances of conceiving are 50% less after 35. I am also worried about the lack of support in my life, I cannot bring a child in to the world to a family whose support network doesn't exist.

SlimCi

Too much thought and analysis going on here. I had my first child at 38 with no difficulty what so ever and know people even older, it may take a bit longer and possibly more trying but if its meant to be it will be. You know if it did happen today that you found out you were pregnant, you WOULD manage, because you would have to. My advice to you though is that if you are on the pill you should come off it well before you start trying in earnest as it can take the body a while to overcome the effects of the pill, or so I've heard. Stress doesn't help either.....best of luck with it.

mcmacness

Seriously? I'm not trying to be mean but you are worrying over probabilities not definitives. Don't worry. I don't know what age you are but you should not worry yet, my aunt conceived at 37.

Neyite

You are overthinking.

I am 36 and currently pregnant with my first child. I will be 37 before the baby is born, and hope that we are able to have as many as we would like after that, all going well.

I have 3 more exams and 2 years of work experience on a crap wage to do to get my qualification, and my partner is mulling over doing further study at some point too. We both work full time and while we have extended family, we are not intending to depend on them for support. The way we see it, grandparents reared theirs and its now their chance to relax. We also want to build our house, getting a mortgage at some point. Things have a way of falling into place when they happen.

I dunno where you got your stats from, but while its true fertility declines somewhat after 35, I dont think its as much as 50% - certainly thats an average, and it really depends on the individual. If you are healthy, with a healthy weight, and balanced nutritious diet, dont smoke and are a moderate drinker then at 35 you are better placed to get pregnant than the 30 year old who smokes and drinks and eats rubbish all the time.

LegacyUser

SlimCi wrote: »

Too much thought and analysis going on here. I had my first child at 38 with no difficulty what so ever and know people even older, it may take a bit longer and possibly more trying but if its meant to be it will be. You know if it did happen today that you found out you were pregnant, you WOULD manage, because you would have to. My advice to you though is that if you are on the pill you should come off it well before you start trying in earnest as it can take the body a while to overcome the effects of the pill, or so I've heard. Stress doesn't help either.....best of luck with it.

THanks for all the replies. Sometimes I do worry too much. Well my situation is very unique, I have never really had a proper job so when i finish it 3 years It might be alot harder than average person to get a job plus my boyfriend is foreign so that makes it even harder because he can only work something like 20 hours a week part time without sponsership so he has a mountain to climb to find an employer willing to sponser him.
Another thing is I don't really have much of a family, anyone supportive in my life so its a combination of things that is worrying me about having a child in the long term future. Anyways I am very strong I am sure things can improve. I found out I was pregnant now I really wouldn't be able to cope I can't be an Island. I hope things can improve I give everything I have got to improve my life and I am tired all the time but hopefully I can improve my life to bring a child in to it.

LegacyUser

I'm 37 and pregnant with my first child. I started trying to get pregnant age 32. In the meantime, we have spent our deposit for a house on fertility treatments.

I'm not saying this to freak you out. But the facts are that 1 in 4 women are naturally infertile by age 35. By 40 this rises to 1 in 2. Fertility treatments may change those figures.
The reason I'm saying this is that people naturally want to comfort and reassure others. We all know of 40 year olds who got pregnant on the first go. People like to talk about them. You are less likely to hear from the couples who try for years, maybe with success or maybe not, because lots of people still keep that quiet. And no-one wants to upset you.

The odds are still in your favour if you wait til your late 30s. My own family members conceived easily at that age. But consider those odds and consider what risks you are prepared to take. You know how much you want kids. You're still only 31 so you still have time to think this through/ do some planning but it's no harm to know the facts.

My husband and I live in a small rented flat. Both our families are on the other side of the country. Only one of us is employed. All our savings are gone. But we've never been happier :-)

And we know we can sort out the finances at a later stage... and we will!

Shell Shocked

I also think you're over analysing this.

I had my daughter at 35 heading for 36. I started my degree when my daughter was 6 months old, work full time and have just commenced my masters this year. I'm a single parent.

If you want a baby, you will manage. There is never a right time. Everyone struggles, but you get there....my daughter is now 4 heading for 5 and the light of my life.

EGAR

I had my first, and only , child 3 days shy of my 39th birthday. No fertility treatment, no years of trying.

LegacyUser

If you really want a baby then go for it. Earlier posters who are pregnant in their late 30's are the lucky ones. I started trying to get pregnant at 36 and we spent literally thousands on fertility treatments with no luck. It's only when you go to a clinic and see dozens of people like you in the same boat you realise how steeply your fertility can decline once you reach the second half of your 30's.

If you want a baby then things will sort themselves out. You're both mature adults and you can do this. Just don't wait around - time isn't on your side.

wylo

I think justadifferentopinion is cutting through the happy stories here, and quite rightly so, you cant just say "everything will be ok, I had mine at 39 bla bla bla" when your biological make up could be completely different to the OPs.

LegacyUser

Maybebaby12 wrote: »

If you really want a baby then go for it. Earlier posters who are pregnant in their late 30's are the lucky ones. I started trying to get pregnant at 36 and we spent literally thousands on fertility treatments with no luck. It's only when you go to a clinic and see dozens of people like you in the same boat you realise how steeply your fertility can decline once you reach the second half of your 30's.

If you want a baby then things will sort themselves out. You're both mature adults and you can do this. Just don't wait around - time isn't on your side.

Thanks for all the replies. But I don't think anyone here understands my situation that I actually have no proper family and noone supportive so that is why I have to wait. It seems most people here had support from their family etc. Not having the finances to get by and not having support is too much for anyone to handle because people who have support without the finances would have enought because family/friends support goes a long long way. That's why I have to wait at least in my late 30s I will be able to get by financially and that is something. I just can't wish support into my life , life isnt like that.

LegacyUser

Question - did you have support apart from your partner during and after your pregancy and also with raising the child? I am not talking about financial support but emotional, practical and moral support. Because I believe it would be impossible without that plus not getting by finanically unless a charity could help which would be the only option there is.

CathyMoran

OP - we wanted to try for a child when we were 32 but I was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer - we were lucky in having a son last year and a daughter this year but that was after many loses (am 37 now). We did not have family support as my mother was seriously ill (she died 2 weeks after the birth of our daughter) and my in-laws live in another country. It is not easy having a child, it is a huge sacrifice but I can not think of anything that has ever made us happier. I would not wait as long as we did.

Liam Byrne

Maybebaby12 wrote: »

If you really want a baby then go for it.

Sorry, but that's irresponsible.

OP - you're lucky enough to have found someone special to be with, but putting yourselves under financial pressure is a bad idea, as is bringing a child into a situation where you have to battle to provide for it.

Wait until you can enjoy it properly.

I am a friend

wylo wrote: »

I think justadifferentopinion is cutting through the happy stories here, and quite rightly so, you cant just say "everything will be ok, I had mine at 39 bla bla bla" when your biological make up could be completely different to the OPs.

Sure no one can tell her if she can have kids but the point of these stories (just had my first at almost 40!) was to say that you don't become automatically infertile at 35...,

EGAR

Iwanttohaveafamilyoneday31 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. But I don't think anyone here understands my situation that I actually have no proper family and noone supportive so that is why I have to wait. It seems most people here had support from their family etc. Not having the finances to get by and not having support is too much for anyone to handle because people who have support without the finances would have enought because family/friends support goes a long long way. That's why I have to wait at least in my late 30s I will be able to get by financially and that is something. I just can't wish support into my life , life isnt like that.

I have no family left, all I have is my OH and the small man . And I manage quite well.

Iwanttohaveafamilyoneday31

Iwanttohaveafamilyoneday31 wrote: »

I have never really had a proper job so when i finish it 3 years It might be alot harder than average person to get a job

When you finish though, you won't be competing with experienced people for jobs.....you'll be up against other graduates.
Many of won't have that much experience either. The pragmatism that maturity gives you will be an advantage to prospective employers.
In the meantime, you should try look for ways to flesh out your CV and get some good references. And maybe build up your confidence too. Participate in some clubs. Volunteer somewhere. Look for a part time job. Apply for summer internships.

Iwanttohaveafamilyoneday31 wrote: »

my boyfriend is foreign so that makes it even harder because he can only work something like 20 hours a week part time without sponsership so he has a mountain to climb to find an employer willing to sponser him.

Once you can show you have a durable relationship of at least two years. (4 if your non EEA yourself)
You can apply for a de facto visa, where he doesn't need a work permit to get a job here.


It is not impossible to raise a child by yourself. Having a supportive partner. Is more than many have. They still manage.
Does your OH have good family? Maybe you could consider a move to be near them. If you have no ties here.
If you keep on focusing on improving your immediate situation. It will improve. 2 or 3 years could make a huge difference to your outlook.

Neyite

Babies dont cost a huge amount of money. Its children that cost the money - when they start going to school and need books and uniforms and shoes every 5 mins, but for the first few years the cost is little enough - you have about a year to get pregnant, 9 months of pregnancy before baby even arrives, so you have about 2 years or so with very little cost if you are careful with finances.

I attended a parentcraft course for first time mums and the midwife told us you dont need all that stuff you think - you dont need a changing table, or cute little wardrobes, or moses baskets or a room soley for the nursery. She said that if you breastfeed, you dont need all the bottles, formula or sterilisers.

What she said was you need a cot (good condition second hand) with a matteress bought new.
You need a car seat - buy this new, as safety in the car is paramount, and they are a bit like an airbag or cycle helmet in that once deployed in a collision they should be discarded.
A baby monitor (second hand also)
You could use a sling instead of a buggy, or some car seats come with the buggy part anyway.

Clothes and baby wear can be got second hand, I am getting offered loads of stuff from friends, all second hand. My brother married right out of college, a broke graduate supporting a wife and babies. He got all their clothes in charity shops - babygros for 20p a pop. Same for when they started to toddle. This was pre- gumtree or ebay, so I'm sure there are lots of bargains to be had. Some parents once they have had their last child would give away stuff for free, so delighted they are to reclaim some attic space.

Having a baby and having a career is doable, but you are putting more obstacles in your way with the way you are thinking. You need to start thinking about how you can make it work for you quicker than your estimated timeframe.

Bottle_of_Smoke

no matter how many stories you get here about people conceiving in their late thirties it is undeniable that your chances of conceiving go way down the older you get. Also risk of complications goes well up.

Irish benefits for mothers tends to be pretty good though obviously that's not something we can depend on with the IMF in charge. Look into your options anyway

Thing I'd worry about the most is are you ready to have a child. You seem very stressed out. Always tired/takes a lot to get by. Maybe you need to work on yourself first and then thinking about a family will be easier

santana75

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Sorry, but that's irresponsible.

OP - you're lucky enough to have found someone special to be with, but putting yourselves under financial pressure is a bad idea, as is bringing a child into a situation where you have to battle to provide for it.

Wait until you can enjoy it properly.

Absolutley. I think the "everything will be fine" mentality is reckless. Children need to be provided for in so many ways, including financially. To bring a child into a financially precarious situation is selfish, that makes it all about what the adult wants and not even thinking about that childs future.

Iwanttohaveafamilyoneday31 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. But I don't think anyone here understands my situation that I actually have no proper family and noone supportive so that is why I have to wait. It seems most people here had support from their family etc. Not having the finances to get by and not having support is too much for anyone to handle because people who have support without the finances would have enought because family/friends support goes a long long way. That's why I have to wait at least in my late 30s I will be able to get by financially and that is something. I just can't wish support into my life , life isnt like that.

I think you're right OP. Get your life sorted first, then have the kids. I dont think you're analysing the situation too much, I think you're doing the right thing and considering all the angles, which is a wise move. Too many people let their emotions get the better of them in making decisions without thinking things through fully. Logic and emotion need to be balanced together.

LegacyUser

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

no matter how many stories you get here about people conceiving in their late thirties it is undeniable that your chances of conceiving go way down the older you get. Also risk of complications goes well up.

Irish benefits for mothers tends to be pretty good though obviously that's not something we can depend on with the IMF in charge. Look into your options anyway

Thing I'd worry about the most is are you ready to have a child. You seem very stressed out. Always tired/takes a lot to get by. Maybe you need to work on yourself first and then thinking about a family will be easier

Thanks for replying. Yes, I know my chances of conceiving will deceased as I get older but I would rather bring a child in to the world when I will be able to cope emotionally and financially to give the child a good life where the child has a chance to prosper.

You said that I am may not be ready to have a child now. I am not talking about now I am talking about 5-7 years later. Well most people in my situation as it is would be usually tired.
You said I may need to work on myself, not really I am very strong, I have a healthy respect for myself and others and have a balanced outlook to life which is the main reason I will wait til late 30s before having a child.

LegacyUser

EGAR wrote: »

I have no family left, all I have is my OH and the small man . And I manage quite well.

Thanks for sharing that with me, hope everything goes well for you.

LegacyUser

Maybebaby12 wrote: »

If you really want a baby then go for it. Earlier posters who are pregnant in their late 30's are the lucky ones. I started trying to get pregnant at 36 and we spent literally thousands on fertility treatments with no luck. It's only when you go to a clinic and see dozens of people like you in the same boat you realise how steeply your fertility can decline once you reach the second half of your 30's.

If you want a baby then things will sort themselves out. You're both mature adults and you can do this. Just don't wait around - time isn't on your side.

That's easier said than done and very easy for people to say. But what would you do if you were on welfare and a full time mature student living in a little substandard flat more like a bedsit because you cannot afford a normal flat and live with your boyfriend who can only work a max 20 hours a week because he is foreign and who is also in full time study.

To add to that to have no one to call on for support and have no proper family or anyone to be there for you meaning you would have to rely on a charity. And people say I am tired who would be in that situation.

So I have no choice but to wait until my late 30s when at least I can have the finances required. Not many people understand why people don't have child til their older. if your life is okay and you are coping with everything not that hard, you can have children.

LegacyUser

Moonbaby wrote: »

When you finish though, you won't be competing with experienced people for jobs.....you'll be up against other graduates.
Many of won't have that much experience either. The pragmatism that maturity gives you will be an advantage to prospective employers.
In the meantime, you should try look for ways to flesh out your CV and get some good references. And maybe build up your confidence too. Participate in some clubs. Volunteer somewhere. Look for a part time job. Apply for summer internships.




Once you can show you have a durable relationship of at least two years. (4 if your non EEA yourself)
You can apply for a de facto visa, where he doesn't need a work permit to get a job here.


It is not impossible to raise a child by yourself. Having a supportive partner. Is more than many have. They still manage.
Does your OH have good family? Maybe you could consider a move to be near them. If you have no ties here.
If you keep on focusing on improving your immediate situation. It will improve. 2 or 3 years could make a huge difference to your outlook.

Thanks very much for writing and sharing your thoughts. Yea my partner is support,he would be all I have got.I might take a look into that defacto vista you were telling me about, it might take some of the instability away.
My partner family seem good but there are very very far away and I never met them so they will never really be part of the picture because of geography. Thanks for much though for your positive feedback.

dellas1979

Iwanttohaveafamilyoneday31 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. But I don't think anyone here understands my situation that I actually have no proper family and noone supportive so that is why I have to wait. It seems most people here had support from their family etc. Not having the finances to get by and not having support is too much for anyone to handle because people who have support without the finances would have enought because family/friends support goes a long long way. That's why I have to wait at least in my late 30s I will be able to get by financially and that is something. I just can't wish support into my life , life isnt like that.

Sounds like you want a baby now. You want finances to be right now. You want boyfriend and right visa now. And you are frustrated by it all. And as you quoted yourself "life isnt like that".

If your aim in life is to have a child, then make these things happen. The fact that you didnt even know about the de facto visa for your partner or he didnt know either, to me shows that you/ye are not being proactive enough about this.

Sorry if I sound short with you, but we all have our issues and muddle our way through them. Your posts are just full of I cants and reasons why things cant happen or be different for you/him.

LegacyUser

dellas1979 wrote: »

Sorry if I sound short with you, but we all have our issues and muddle our way through them. Your posts are just full of I cants and reasons why things cant happen or be different for you/him.

Thanks for the reply but It's not issues I have, it's the circumstances of my situation. I know everyone has problems but these are circumstances so it's harder anyways I will find a way. Thanks all the same.

Firetrap

Maybe you should go have the baby now? Defer your college course for a while, have the kid and then worry about your course and career. I don't have any kids myself but from what I can see, trying to combine work and parenthood is a juggling act no matter what age kids are.

dellas1979

Iwanttohaveafamilyoneday31 wrote: »

Thanks for the reply but It's not issues I have, it's the circumstances of my situation. I know everyone has problems but these are circumstances so it's harder anyways I will find a way. Thanks all the same.

Your circumstances are your issues.

Thats better positive talk out of you "I will find a way" is better than "it will never/may not happen" yes - it may never happen, but at least go down with all guns blazing if you know this is what you want out of your life.

LegacyUser

dellas1979 wrote: »

Your circumstances are your issues.

Thats better positive talk out of you "I will find a way" is better than "it will never/may not happen" yes - it may never happen, but at least go down with all guns blazing if you know this is what you want out of your life.

So true. I'm the poster previously who's spent five years and thousands of euros getting pregnant - but it's worked! :-)
Ironically, at the start of the journey to parenthood, the country was booming and we both had good salaries and bright futures. Right now that we actually are having a baby, we're basically as poor, badly housed and isolated as the OP, but it's all fine!!

OP, all of this is a bit academic cause you're still just 31, you do have time, so there is no need for panic just yet. But in my experience, even with lots of work, we can't always control how things work out. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and embrace the insecurity. Generations have been born without all the middle class trappings - which are often a bank-owned illusion anyway!
I'm sure you'll know when the time is right.

EGAR

Iwanttohaveafamilyoneday31 wrote: »

Thanks for sharing that with me, hope everything goes well for you.

Thank you, he is seven now and growing up so fast it's unreal. I wish you all the luck in the world!

Liam Byrne

Hmmmmm..No replies from the OP to the posts that advise them not to be irresponsible ?

Seems like one of those threads where an OP wanted reinforcement rather than good advice.

Ah well.....we did try.

Taltos

Liam - please refer to our charter, "Off topic posts and unhelpful posts will not be tolerated." & "Any advice given should be mature, constructive and non-abusive. Opinions are welcome. Ridicule and nastiness are not."

The OP is under no obligation to reply to all advice given. We the posters can provide our advice in good faith even if it is not what the OP wants to hear, however badgering an OP to reply to advice whether wanted or not is not acceptable.

Taltos

Kidchameleon

OP just put off your college work till you have a child, the course can wait but your body doesn't have that luxury. In the meantime, yourself and your OH can get work that will get you by (work is out there if you look hard enough). If you have a child you WILL manage. I started my degree when my daughter was 7 and have little or no money most of the time, so it can be done. All these people telling you to wait are giving bad advice, you don't ever worry about money when it comes to having children, you will ALWAYS get by, it may be hard but you will get by. Oh and by the way, you child will be the only emotional / family support you will ever need, of course it would be easier with a family to back you up but you survived till now didn't you? Good Luck.

Liam Byrne

Apologies. I didn't intend to come across as nasty.

Kidchameleon

Kidchameleon wrote: »

OP just put off your college work till you have a child, the course can wait but your body doesn't have that luxury.

It is only two years until she finishes her degree though. She'll be 33 then.
I think that still leaves lots of time, to cope if infertility is an issue.
I wonder if they have tests for people, who are just curious about their fertility status.

Kidchameleon

Moonbaby wrote: »

I wonder if they have tests for people, who are just curious about their fertility status.

Id imagine they do actually

Neyite

Moonbaby wrote: »

I wonder if they have tests for people, who are just curious about their fertility status.

To a certain extent, yes, there are, however they have their limits. The male can get a semen analysis done, and the female can get an ovarian reserve test - I think this might be a blood test. But, while it can test that you have plenty of eggs, you may unknowingly have issues ovulating, or have antral cycles, fertilisation issues or implantation issues.

Roughly 10% of couples who have difficulty concieving are classified unexplained, as in our case. In the clinics they can rule out the obvious but until they extract eggs for IVF they dont know why the egg is not fertilising.

Then, as many as 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. It really is a game of chance and luck.

I started trying when I was 33. I was 36 before I got pregnant on Clomid, 37 when baby is born. I dont know if I will have the same difficulty on number 2, or if my body will figure it out now that its happened once. The treatment worked early for us - it was ovulation induction which is the first thing clinics try and the cheapest, yet we still spent a couple of thousand on treatment- blood tests, consultants fees, scans etc. The actual tablets and injections x3 cycles cost only about €60 out of that.

Its not covered on VHI or Aviva, (Quinn cover some, I think) and the waiting list for public patients for Assisted Conception is years long. Years you dont really have to spare in your thirties.

LegacyUser

That's easier said than done and it's very easy for people to say.

But what would you do if you were on welfare and a full time mature student renting and living in a little substandard flat more like a bedsit because you cannot afford a normal flat and live with your boyfriend who can only work a max 20 hours a week because he is foreign and who is also in full time study.and yourself and your boyfriend worked very hard to get my college places. And yourself and your boyfriend can't afford a car or driving lessons to be able to improve the practical situation instead of walking,waiting and getting buses everywhere to get food and things you need that puts a strain on energy levels. If you or one of you get sick,your boyfriend can't afford health insurance so this would eat up the little savings he has and your on a medical card which means you could be waiting a few months to for a normal procedure.

To add to that to have no one to call on for support and have no proper family or anyone to be there for you meaning you would have to rely on a charity.

So given the situation, I have decided I am waiting til my date 30s to have a child If everything will go well hopefully it can happen then. for me, it's the best decision but everyone else has different situations so it's up to themselves only.

Thanks for all the replies and sharing stories with me.

LegacyUser

OP, you are talking to people in similar situations as you! Myself and my husband have one low paid highly insecure job between us, that doesn't even offer the same hours every week! We gave up our health insurance last year cause we can't afford it. We rent a cheap one bed too. My husband was a builder during the Celtic Tiger, so he's ended up with no work and no qualifications whatsoever. You seem to think you're the only one in tough circumstances, but far from it. Even in all the lovely houses people supposedly 'own' there are families afraid to turn the heating on!

As stated, you're still fairly young. You don't need to have a child now, although you will need to decide what your priorities are at some point in the next few years. That's absolutely your choice and no-one could criticise you for not wanting financial security. But I have to say, your attitude must make life harder than it already is.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I really don't want to be mean here but your post is so full of self pity and bitterness that I really don't think you should have a child. Eh hello we're in a recession, alot of people living in sh*tty accomodation and have to take the bus. I wonder where your bitterness is coming from, do you blame someone for your circumstances?

Look either way I don't think finances are your biggest negatives for motherhood, I think your self pity and negavitity is a much bigger problem. Like will your kids have to listen to you whinge about what you don't have, will you blame them for you having nothing? Because if you are in real life the way you sound in your posts then you shouldn't have children, you'll just make them miserable.

I think going to councelling would help you more than anything, you sound depressed, miserable and extremely self-pitying. Counselling could help with that.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

I really don't want to be mean here but your post is so full of self pity and bitterness that I really don't think you should have a child. Eh hello we're in a recession, alot of people living in sh*tty accomodation and have to take the bus. I wonder where your bitterness is coming from, do you blame someone for your circumstances?

Look either way I don't think finances are your biggest negatives for motherhood, I think your self pity and negavitity is a much bigger problem. Like will your kids have to listen to you whinge about what you don't have, will you blame them for you having nothing? Because if you are in real life the way you sound in your posts then you shouldn't have children, you'll just make them miserable.

I think going to councelling would help you more than anything, you sound depressed, miserable and extremely self-pitying. Counselling could help with that.

Best of luck.

Well I appreicate everything I have I am not bitter and pitying myself I was just explaining my situation to see if there was anyone else in similiar experience that can relate to me and wants to have a child.

Does explaining how your situation is equal self pity? If I asked anyone how are things with them and they explained how things are for them honestly and how it the way how it is - why would you judge them to be a bitter, depressed and self pitying person because their situation is negative?

That is hateful and judgemental to say im depressed, bitter and blameful. I am glad to be where I am because it has made me very strong and appreciate who I am. Why would I blame others for what, blame others doesn't come in to anything. I have a very well balanced, realistic view of life that a lot others may not have because of my experiences.

What would be pitying myself for. I appreciate everything I have got I have the power to improve things with time and it may take years when many others don't and are trapped. I feel sorry for others actually that don't know what life is about. I would need couselling infact I can couseller others and have done.

That is hateful to say that I don't deserve to have children because you think I am negative or depressed. So you believe people who suffer from depression should not have children because said i am depressed,selfpitying and blameful just because I explained my situation honestly. Thanks for wishing me luck but it's not about luck.

santana75

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

I really don't want to be mean here but your post is so full of self pity and bitterness that I really don't think you should have a child. Eh hello we're in a recession, alot of people living in sh*tty accomodation and have to take the bus. I wonder where your bitterness is coming from, do you blame someone for your circumstances?

Look either way I don't think finances are your biggest negatives for motherhood, I think your self pity and negavitity is a much bigger problem. Like will your kids have to listen to you whinge about what you don't have, will you blame them for you having nothing? Because if you are in real life the way you sound in your posts then you shouldn't have children, you'll just make them miserable.

Way over the top and more than a little bit of projection going on here. Your post says more about you than it ever could about the OP.

Neyite

I do think you are focusing on all the restrictions to your situation to the point where all the negatives are stacked so much that you cant see over them. No wonder you are coming across as sounding like your situation is hopeless - it is if you make it that way.

Its your choice to live where you do, and your partners choice not to look into his options for permanancy, (defacto visa, get married) and you are choosing to study full time. (instead of part time/distance learning) These are all choices you have made. You choose to carry your groceries on the bus instead of ordering online.

I chose to do my studies part time so I could work full time. We chose between getting our planning permission /mortgage this year, because we prioritised starting our family instead. If our apartment is not suitable for a small child, then we will rent somewhere else. I chose to take my car off the road from March to October to save on insurance and road tax - so I could pay for fertility treatments instead. If my banger finally gives up the ghost I will be like thousands of other mums struggling with a buggy and shopping on the bus. If work is not available to us to provide for our family, we are open to emigration, and maybe will be grateful that we dont have a milestone around our necks in the form of a mortgage/negative equity house to hold us back.

Nobody has it all anymore. We all are making choices within the limits of our bleak economy. You have to choose what you want most in life and plan out how to get it.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

I do think you are focusing on all the restrictions to your situation to the point where all the negatives are stacked so much that you cant see over them. No wonder you are coming across as sounding like your situation is hopeless - it is if you make it that way.

Its your choice to live where you do, and your partners choice not to look into his options for permanancy, (defacto visa, get married) and you are choosing to study full time. (instead of part time/distance learning) These are all choices you have made. You choose to carry your groceries on the bus instead of ordering online.

I chose to do my studies part time so I could work full time. We chose between getting our planning permission /mortgage this year, because we prioritised starting our family instead. If our apartment is not suitable for a small child, then we will rent somewhere else. I chose to take my car off the road from March to October to save on insurance and road tax - so I could pay for fertility treatments instead. If my banger finally gives up the ghost I will be like thousands of other mums struggling with a buggy and shopping on the bus. If work is not available to us to provide for our family, we are open to emigration, and maybe will be grateful that we dont have a milestone around our necks in the form of a mortgage/negative equity house to hold us back.

Nobody has it all anymore. We all are making choices within the limits of our bleak economy. You have to choose what you want most in life and plan out how to get it.

Thanks for getting back to me. I know what your saying. But the reason why I am studying now is because I never had a proper job most of my 20s, I wasn't well mostly on the dole or on disability up until the past two years. So my cv is blank. I went to college when I was 19 but I left after a few months, wasn't able for it and wasn't well enough. The only work I have done was years ago as a teenager working a few summer jobs and I did a bit of voluntary work a few hours a week/month the past few years so that is something anyways.

The past few years I am recovered and focusing on things I want out of life like education and having a family. I know myself and my partner can plan for him to live here permantely but I am afriad I may not be entitled to social welfare then like the educational allowance. You are right, I just have to look into it all and make a start to practially reach the goals.

I hope everything goes great for you. Your determination is inspiring that you keep solider on. Just did to start trying more to make the most of things. Happy Christmas

Taltos

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Remember, attack the post not the poster. Any further breaches of our charter will be dealt with severly.

Taltos