Innocent 'fun' or something more serious?

LegacyUser

Hi,
Occasional poster so going unreg. Male 43. Recently had a work trip away - kind of end of year/blow the entertainment budget job etc. Anyway, on the Friday afternoon some of the guys wanted to go to an indoor driving range, but as golf is not my thing, I decided to take a trip to a part of the city that is less touristy.

Cut to the chase, saw a sign for a gentlemans venue and decided to have a sneaky peek. Seemed innocent enough, guys standing around having beers, occasionally girls on stage doing their thing. Was approached by a girl and chatted for a bit and she offered a private dance. My understanding of such places (as i'd never been) is that it would be a dance in close proximity, nothing else. I decided 'why not' and went.

The dance turned out to be a good bit more, without going into details, but suffice to say I didn't resist, went with it and enjoyed it at the time.

Not sure how I feel about it now, my wife would probably be devestated and I've no intention of disclosing. However, I didn't have intent before making what was a decision to take a dance, but realised I could have stopped it but didn't.

Please don't judge, moralise, criticize me etc, but I'd be interested to throw it out there and see what people would do in the same position - i.e. am I best just forget about it?
thanks for reading. (awaits responses with trepidation)

I am a friend

There was nothing innocent about it.

What's your question? You have already said you don't want to tell your wife

mcmacness

No it wasn't innocent. And yes you could have stopped it. Obviously you are not gonna tell her but if you did her view of you would be completely diminished, as it should be. You completely betrayed her.

ElleEm

It wasn't innocent. You betrayed your wife. You could have stopped it,and you didn't. You either live with the guilt for the rest of your life or tell her and hope she forgives you.

Katgurl

what is your question?

would i tell? Yes

is it innocent fun or something more serious? Something more serious.

OkayWhatever

Your poor wife. Seriously, i'd hate to be her and have my husband do that. I've been with my boyfriend for like 2 years and I'd be devastated if he did it.

You should have stopped it, you chose not to. You made the choice. But off you go now and 'forget about it'. It should never be easy, even possible, to forget betraying your wife? Do you not feel completely guilty?

tenchi-fan

Guestingin wrote: »

My understanding of such places (as i'd never been) is that it would be a dance in close proximity, nothing else. I decided 'why not' and went.

The dance turned out to be a good bit more, without going into details, but suffice to say I didn't resist, went with it and enjoyed it at the time.

Nothing innocent about it, and you know it!

I think what you're feeling is guilt.

Fentdog84

Look you made a mistake, you gave into temptation that presented itself(I think you now know that a lot of these places will have ''extra benefits'' going on, so you should avoid these spots in future) dont think theres much point beating yourself up too much about it, so long as you dont let it happen again. If you tell your wife, you could be putting your marraige at risk, so best just put it behind you and pretend it never happened.

LegacyUser

Did you shag a hooker or just get a lap dance?

Lap dance - doesn't matter.

Shagged a prossie - well, I wouldn;t do that to my wife/gf/partner.

Say nothing....

Wompa1

I went to one of the most famous strip clubs in the world in Vegas thinking it was just a dance with no contact. If women knew what went on in these places there's no way they'd be ok with stag parties going to them. I didn't get a lap dance after seeing what it was.

OS119

assuming you had sex, or sexual contact: personally i'd get myself checked out - abstain from games with your wife until you get the all clear. she may forgive you for cheating, she's unlikely to forgive you for cheating and giving her something itchy and sore for christmas.

while you wait for that - decide for yourself whether this is ever going to happen again. did you get a thrill out of it, or were you just too embarrassed/macho/polite to walk away?

if you decide that no, you didn't enjoy being with another woman, and that your previous ignorance has been well and truly washed away meaning that you're never going to get into anything approaching that situation again, then i would put it down to experience and bury it - and be bloody thankfull for what you have.

if you decide however that you did enjoy it, that you did get a thrill, and that its therefore possible that you may find yourself going down this road again - then you need to have a converstation with your wife about the future of your marriage.

two caveats: a) if you've caught something you must tell your wife, and b) if there is any chance that she may find out at a later date, you must tell your wife.

there are, imv, two reasons to tell that you've cheated - firstly to unload guilt, and secondly to protect the interests of the wronged party. the first destroys your wifes life to make you feel better, and is not exactly moral courage, whereas the second is to protect her from the consequences of your actions - whether thats getting a dose of clap, being humilated/destroyed when some stripper comes up to you in O'Connell street and says 'hi, i'm pregnant', or having her marriage turned into a joke by a serial cheating husband.

your decision.

LegacyUser

if there was any sexual contact get yourself tested ASAP!!! condoms don't protect you 100% from everything... some STDs are transmitted by purely skin to skin contact... the worst case scenario is that your wife comes home some day having discovered she got warts or hpv... not sure how you'll explain that one.

LegacyUser

well, thanks for taking the time to reply - s'pose i should have expected the judge and jury treatment.
anyway, to clarify, sex didn't take place, touching did. I remained fully clothed - she didn't. she invited me to caress her up top, didn't go near down below (so i doubt there are 'itches' to be worried about, unless we are back in catholic ireland of the 50's where you can get do damage with jeans still on).

well, for the record, i've resolved the issue for myself - largely due to the ott hysterics on here. May think again where I go for advice in future!

Oryx

OP, I dont know what kind of reply you expected. Justification? To be told to forget about it? If thats what you want, and can do, then you dont need anyone to reinforce what you feel. If it didnt matter at all, and you just chalk it up to experience, thats exactly what you do. But you did post here, and you did ask for opinions on it. Why? Because you know its not on the level and you need someone to tell you not to worry about it?

I read your opening post, and, as I tend to do, I got an impression, reading between the lines. That impression was that you were playing this incident down. You just happened to wander off on your own. You happened to call to a 'gentlemans club' which is polite speak for a lapdance club. You just happened to try it out because it looked innocent. Really youre trying to paint a picture here that it was all just a little mix up. And to be honest, Im not buying it. If that were the case, as I asked above why stress about it? Why post?

I'm not moralising you. I dont know nor care what your moral values are. Nor do I judge you at all. What I am doing is pointing out your attempt to whitewash this thing into a nothing. What matters from here on in is how you really feel about it (terrible or ok?) and whether you will use this 'whitewash' to do it again the next time you happen to wander off in a new city. I dont care if you visit lapdancing clubs, its something thats on my bucket list for gods sake. I also dont care if you lie to me, and it doesnt affect me if you lie to someone else. Just know if youre lying to yourself, and be clear about what you are doing when you lie to your wife.

Logical Fallacy

guestingin wrote: »

well, thanks for taking the time to reply - s'pose i should have expected the judge and jury treatment.
anyway, to clarify, sex didn't take place, touching did. I remained fully clothed - she didn't. she invited me to caress her up top, didn't go near down below (so i doubt there are 'itches' to be worried about, unless we are back in catholic ireland of the 50's where you can get do damage with jeans still on).

well, for the record, i've resolved the issue for myself - largely due to the ott hysterics on here. May think again where I go for advice in future!

lol, get over yourself buddy. You gave absolutely no detail and the detail you did give implied that there was sex.

Wow, you felt her boobs.

Legend.

ElleEm

From your initial post, OP, I had the impression that she had brought you to orgasm. Just think about what you did with her and reverse it. How would you feel if you wife had a fondle with a male dancer. Then think how would you feel if she tried to keep this info from you.

Beruthiel

guestingin wrote: »

well, for the record, i've resolved the issue for myself - largely due to the ott hysterics on here. May think again where I go for advice in future!

We don't give advice that OP's want to hear.
We tell them what we think.

I know you feel guilt.
You wouldn't have posted on this site unregged if you didn't.

You feel guilt because you know your wife will not understand.
She will be upset and feel betrayed.
You were hoping we would tell you not to care about that as you did nothing wrong and that would be true if you weren't married to someone who had opinions on the subject.

If your wife does not approve of you doing this sort of thing and you respect her wishes, then yes, you have betrayed her trust in this.

What we think about your actions doesn't matter. Our opinions will vary and are inconsequential.

On the other hand, what your wife thinks is what you should be taking into consideration. That is the crux of the matter here.

Neyite

In my view, being a willing participant in any contact with a person outside of your relationship that would upset your partner and destroy the trust is a form of cheating.

You say that your wife would be devestated. You know the answer here.

At least grow a pair and admit you chose fully yourself to do what you did. You chose to go off on your own, you chose to go to a strip club, and you chose to get a lapdance. You also chose to touch another woman intimatly. Stop with the "it kinda happened" nonsense, its not gonna fool anyone.

Miss Fluff

Oryx wrote: »

I read your opening post, and, as I tend to do, I got an impression, reading between the lines. That impression was that you were playing this incident down. You just happened to wander off on your own. You happened to call to a 'gentlemans club' which is polite speak for a lapdance club. You just happened to try it out because it looked innocent. Really youre trying to paint a picture here that it was all just a little mix up. And to be honest, Im not buying it. If that were the case, as I asked above why stress about it? Why post?

I couldn't agree more. The phraseology and tone of the post struck me too.

I'm not going to start waving the morality stick around OP, it's not my style, what you do in your own time is up to you. However I do think that you were seeking justifcation for your little "mistake". The thing is you ended up feeling a strippers tits off YOUR OWN volition so maybe you need to admit that first to yourself and then decide what you want to do.

Taltos

Closing this thread as the OP has resolved their issue.

Taltos