What am I doing wrong?

LegacyUser

I'm a pretty hot girl (no point in false modesty) and I'm intelligent. I tend to go for guys who are smartasses because they can keep up and make me laugh. However, they're sticking around for a few meet ups and then disappear. I've genuinely liked one or two. The first guy I liked I didn't sleep with because I didn't wanna give impression that I'm easy - he disappeared. Next guy is friend of friend, happened to be at a house party and we slept together. Kisses goodbye in morning and since then - he's disappeared. What am I doing wrong? We get on great, then, nothing?

Sleepy

Have you told any of these guys that you'd like more? Asked them out for subsequent dates?

Or are you letting them do all the chasing?

If it's the former, have you a friend close enough that you could ask what aspect of your personality it could be that would be putting them off? A friend of mine recently ended things with a girl after a very short time and it didn't surprise me one bit, whilst sharp and quite cute, she was blatantly materialistic and had very little of interest to say beyond a quick comment. While she'd be fun company for a night, she'd grate after a third or fourth repeat of that night...

Not saying that you're like her but maybe you've some traits that are off-putting? The latter case I outlined above of letting a guy do all the chasing just gives off an air of "demanding daddy's little princess" to me...

Or maybe it's none of these things and you're just chasing the wrong men?

LegacyUser

2 people is a very small sample size.

I know I (male, 29) used to sleep around a lot and never meet a girl a second time - nearly always my choice. I was never looking to meet someone on an emotional basis and honestly, found the fact that a girl would sleep with me first time round showed me she was easy.

Saying that, I met my gf after a one night stand. Something just clicked with us. Do you have a reputation?

lumjm

The two guys you described were just after sex. Now I may be generalising but I think that goes for a lot of blokes. You need to look at the impression your giving, if you come across all sexy then your going to attract guys just lookin for that. Most wont hang about if its not on the agenda. If you want a relationship you need to offer a whole lot more than being hot. What do you have going on that is interesting, unique, exclusive to you, that's going to make them want to get to know you better? Instead of seeking a relationship, fill your life with all the things that you enjoy and interest you. You will be so busy and happy, guys will not be able to keep away..cliche i know but iv always found the girls that are not looking to someone else to make them happy (and retain some mystery too!) are the most attractive to men.

Bodhidharma

Confucious wrote: »

I'm a pretty hot girl (no point in false modesty) and I'm intelligent. I tend to go for guys who are smartasses because they can keep up and make me laugh. However, they're sticking around for a few meet ups and then disappear. I've genuinely liked one or two. The first guy I liked I didn't sleep with because I didn't wanna give impression that I'm easy - he disappeared. Next guy is friend of friend, happened to be at a house party and we slept together. Kisses goodbye in morning and since then - he's disappeared. What am I doing wrong? We get on great, then, nothing?

Maybe because you like smartasses you are one yourself?They tend to come off as cold and distant. Also you do seem have to have a pretty high opinion of yourself which adds to the coldness factor.

LegacyUser

Op again. The two I spoke of were examples of what's led me to posting here and why I'm so confused. Why do guys ask for your number if they're not gonna text? I'm a big girl, I get that sometimes a kiss in a nightclub (regardless of how well you get on) is just a kiss. It's when they ask for a number and either not text or text to say we'll meet up and then that never happens! It's just happening a lot and I don't know if it's me or if there are just a lot of guys out there who just want no strings fun on the night and think it's polite to give false hope with talk of meet ups and number exchanging! I do have a life, and on nights out I go to have fun- I'm certainly not the predatory type! They come to me, and then POOF!

LegacyUser

I would take a guess that they're not seeing you as interesting enough to bother following up with you further.

You say you're a good looking girl, so that's probably why they come to you to begin with, they are happy to spend a night with you, but perhaps the conversations you're having with them just aren't leading these guys to believe there's any point pursuing things further? Perhaps your personality just isn't clicking with these guys?

Is there any chance you are lacking in modesty, overly confident, a tad full of yourself? Sometimes when people are very aware that they're good looking, that can be very off-putting to a potentially interested person. A lot of men would see a confident woman as too high maintenance, too much hard work.

As a guy, I've asked for numbers before with no plans of texting. It's just a nice let down. It's very hard to say "You look good but you are a very boring person and I have no interest in spending any further time with you" after sharing a kiss or a bed! It's a lot easier to say "I'll text you!" and leave it at that. Sure, it's a coward's way out, but that's just life. You need to not dwell on it and move on.

LegacyUser

The thing is though that I'm pretty normal. really not high maintenance! I know I'm pretty enough but I'm more at home in jeans and a pretty top than I am in skimpy dresses and high heels. And male friends have a bad habit of declaring their undying love, so I don't think my personality is completely appalling. I guess men are just making me cynical, they all seem to be out for one thing and I know it's bad to generalise but I have yet to meet the exception! They disappear after sex, or after the realisation they're not gonna get it easily.

Miss Fluff

I wouldn't worry too much OP, it has nothing to do with you or anything you're doing wrong, you're just meeting the wrong guys. Don't lose faith :)The only thing I will say is that perhaps in your desire to meet smart-arses you're actually just meeting arses? So maybe give the quieter ones a chance too and give other guys a chance? I used to consistently go for the one (wrong) type and as soon as I copped on to that I got together with an amazing man who I'm marrying in a few months. Don't lose heart, you do have to kiss a few frogs before finding your prince!

silly

Maybe give up on the smartasses. They are obviously not looking for anything serious.

Eve_Dublin

Bodhidharma wrote: »

Maybe because you like smartasses you are one yourself?They tend to come off as cold and distant. Also you do seem have to have a pretty high opinion of yourself which adds to the coldness factor.

The OP just knows she's attractive and intelligent. What's wrong with that? It's an anonymous forum, so if she can't say it here, where can she say it? I doubt she goes around broadcasting that to the world.

But other posters are right...good looks don't mean feck all in the long run. And intelligence...well most people I hang out with are very intelligent...I meet more intelligent people than those lacking in the brains department day-to-day. Again these things won't guarantee you a happy ever after and it's a common enough combination.

The fact of the matter is OP, it's not easy to meet someone. Some people make it look effortless and sometimes it's just because they don't want to be alone and will settle with someone they're not really that into. Attraction is a two way thing....just because you felt something, doesn't mean they did. It takes patience and time to get the balance right. You just have to relax and let it happen when it happens.

I'd agree though, perhaps the smart arsey types aren't the best to go for, at least in my experience. I used to be a bit like that myself until I was told by an ex that I was too much and how hard it was to get to know me properly (I really wanted him to like me but went overboard)...could you yourself be a bit like that do you think? I like funny people but sometimes some people can be relentless with the smart arse comments and it can get weary.

I'd say just relax and as Sunflower said, have a bit of faith. Were made to believe it's easy by Hollywood when it really isn't. I've slept with a fairly substantial number of men in my 31 years (nothing shocking though) and obviously they all didn't lead to relationships....most men I slept with were looking for sex and the same went for me. It doesn't make anyone the "bad guy"...one night stands are what they are....they're not wrong but aren't a guarantee of anything. Don't worry, be yourself and you'll find someone eventually.

A0

Confucious wrote: »

The thing is though that I'm pretty normal. really not high maintenance! I know I'm pretty enough but I'm more at home in jeans and a pretty top than I am in skimpy dresses and high heels. And male friends have a bad habit of declaring their undying love, so I don't think my personality is completely appalling. I guess men are just making me cynical, they all seem to be out for one thing and I know it's bad to generalise but I have yet to meet the exception! They disappear after sex, or after the realisation they're not gonna get it easily.

Why do you sleep with them if you are not sure of their feelings or their will to go for a relationship with you?
Male advice: don't sleep with someone unless you are sure they want more than sex. It's easy to understand, go for dates, nights out, days spent together before sleeping with them. In other words, get to know each other well, and this takes a bit of time...

LegacyUser

Em, I like how you put that part in bold, leaving out second part of sentense ... "realising they're not gonna get it easily". I'm also of belief that you shouldn't just fall into bed with someone. My problem is that they disappear regardless! The few that I have slept with quickly never hang about, but neither do the ones I hold out on! It's like there's an expiry date on how much time men will invest, regardless of whether or not they're getting sex!!

A0

Confucious wrote: »

Em, I like how you put that part in bold, leaving out second part of sentense ... "realising they're not gonna get it easily". I'm also of belief that you shouldn't just fall into bed with someone. My problem is that they disappear regardless! The few that I have slept with quickly never hang about, but neither do the ones I hold out on! It's like there's an expiry date on how much time men will invest, regardless of whether or not they're getting sex!!

True, I ignored the second part , keep doing what you do, I think you've just been unlucky, but there's no point to sleep with men you're not sure about. Just be clear about it and say that you are looking for a relationship so you want to take time to get to know them, etc. if they leave, it's just because they look for something different or they think you're not compatible, don't think you have to change your way of being or whatever else, you'll defo find someone... when you won't expect it!!

Eve_Dublin

A0 wrote: »

Why do you sleep with them if you are not sure of their feelings or their will to go for a relationship with you?
Male advice: don't sleep with someone unless you are sure they want more than sex. It's easy to understand, go for dates, nights out, days spent together before sleeping with them. In other words, get to know each other well, and this takes a bit of time...

Female response to that....I said above I've slept with a fair number of men and nothing came of but I slept with 70% my boyfriends on the first night. That's how I roll. I like sex and it doesn't make me any more easier than them for wanting it immediately. It doesn't make you a slut, a whore, a tramp or anything else some women and men label women for sleeping with a man the first night and a man who judges you as such for doing exactly what he did is NOT worth your time.

Sleeping with the guys first night is not your problem OP....it's the lack of connection from both sides.

WindSock

Maybe you are hard to read by them or have a guard up too much? Have you taken any steps yourself to contact them to ask them out or have you been waiting for them to do it?

A0

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Female response to that....I said above I've slept with a fair number of men and nothing came of but I slept with 70% my boyfriends on the first night. That's how I roll. I like sex and it doesn't make me any more easier than them for wanting it immediately. It doesn't make you a slut, a whore, a tramp or anything else some women and men label women for sleeping with a man the first night and a man who judges you as such for doing exactly what he did is NOT worth your time.

Sleeping with the guys first night is not your problem OP....it's the lack of connection from both sides.

I never said it goes one way... I label both male and female as "easy", not a slut or whore. For me, I need to know the woman I am sleeping with (it's not only about sex/feelings, but also because of STDs, etc.). We are all different. And I like sex, too.
That's why I said to the OP that she should try to know them better, it's just my advice, then obviously people do what they want.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I dont think sleeping with them too soon is your problem. Going by the ridiculous "slut" rules that people come up with I'm a total whore. I slept with my ex after 2 weeks and my current bf on the first date. I was with my ex for 5 years afterwards and I'm with my current bf over 5 years now. They're the only people I've ever slept with and at 29 and having had 2 partners I can hardly be called a slut. So yeah I don't go for those silly rules, sleep with someone when you want to as you feel a connection with them. So yeah I don't think it's to do with time scale more to do with the people involved. Maybe you're attracting shallow d*ckheads for some reason?

I really think the viewpoint that men are "just after sex" is sexist towards men tbh, I don't know many men that are just out for sex, in fact they're a rarity. Most guys I've found like having a girlfriend and are perfectly faithful, I just think men get a very unfair rap when in fact shallow horny dogs are the exception not the majority.

Best of luck.

Eve_Dublin

A0 wrote: »

I never said it goes one way... I label both male and female as "easy", not a slut or whore.

I never said you did. What does "easy" mean exactly? It hardly has positive connotations.

A0

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

I never said you did. What does "easy" mean exactly? It hardly has positive connotations.

No, but you implied it.
"Easy" means you don't really check (get to know) if the person you have sex with is suitable for you / for a relationship.

A0

sunflower27 wrote: »

First time I heard being easy referred to that way. I have only ever known it to mean someone that will sleep with anyone.

Ah, there's always a first...