Deeply deeply unhappy

LegacyUser

Single dad who sees his son 3 weekends out of five, socially anxious to the point of paranoia and hypervigilance, chronic fatigue and a swelling in the knee that can't be repaired, broke a lovely girl's heart to the point of travesty and in a job that scares me and ruins me, I'm so tired and sad and angry and trapped, so much debt and no way out, living in a home full of tension and silence and I have no trust for my self or for others, and I inspire no trust either. I drink and w@nk and distract myself and avoid and hide and worry and fret and keep the head down and ears out, waiting for reality to hit. I am ashamed of myself and I don't know how I can ever be happy---bullied in school and unable to stand up for myself, heart pounding when asked simple questions, responsible for hurting so many innocent hearts, what's the point???

LegacyUser

socially anxious to the point of paranoia and hypervigilance
chronic fatigue
a job that scares me and ruins me
I'm so tired and sad and angry and trapped, so much debt and no way out, living in a home full of tension and silence and I have no trust for my self or for others, and I inspire no trust either
I don't know how I can ever be happy

If you feel you can't talk to anyone close to you, talk to a stranger. First port of call personally would be your GP. Be as candid with them as you have been here.
I've felt similarly in the past and while medication isn't a heal all, it can give be enough to help you to start sorting things out yourself.

LegacyUser

Adrift but salvageable? wrote: »

Single dad who sees his son 3 weekends out of five, socially anxious to the point of paranoia and hypervigilance, chronic fatigue and a swelling in the knee that can't be repaired, broke a lovely girl's heart to the point of travesty and in a job that scares me and ruins me, I'm so tired and sad and angry and trapped, so much debt and no way out, living in a home full of tension and silence and I have no trust for my self or for others, and I inspire no trust either. I drink and w@nk and distract myself and avoid and hide and worry and fret and keep the head down and ears out, waiting for reality to hit. I am ashamed of myself and I don't know how I can ever be happy---bullied in school and unable to stand up for myself, heart pounding when asked simple questions, responsible for hurting so many innocent hearts, what's the point???

Just think for a second, about the bigger picture.

You mention severe social anxiety, and list a number of it's by products.
Your state of, as you very aptly describe, hyper-vigilance; fatigue.
Oftentimes mental states of imbalance can have that knock on affect on our bodies; again, you mention the swelling in your knee that's failing to mend itself.

One other common symptom in this type of situation can be sore or infected throats that vary in intensity, but never really leave the body; that constant cough.

Also you mention, what I assume would be a very deeply seeded desire, to inflict emotional damage on others (you mention an ex-girlfriend?); possibly a reflection of your own emotional situation.
It's unfortunate in these situations that we can take our our anxiety, not on those that might deserve it, but simply those that are vulnerable to us at a point in time.

The other knock on affects; the debt, tense living environment, attempts at alleviating your anxiety; ultimately, all products of your core issue, it might be fair to say?

And that core issue is related to.... what?

Social anxiety, family issues... your problem is with relationships, would it be fair to say?
Relating to people in general?
Whether it be a close family situation, a work environment, or just out and about?

curlzy

Hey OP,

It sounds like you're in a very dark place at the moment. For your sake and your child's I urge you to go to your GP and tell them what you're feeling. They will be able to get you professional help to feel better and hopefully get you out of this misery.

I wish you the very best OP.

LegacyUser

@Tomato Can: I'm anxious everywhere, constantly.

Went through tough school-life and a very traumatic ongoing custody battle. Always been very hard on myself but now I'm seeing my self turn into the person I always hated: narcissist, arrogant and self-involved and weak and cowardly.

I am my own worst enemy.

I really deeply hurt my ex, I contacted other girls and she found out, and god when I saw her face I wanted to die right there: the pain, the betrayal, the loss, the hurt. Why? her eyes pleaded.

She was my angel and I threw her love away. All over my need for attention from other girls. I am scum. I HATE MYSELF! The shame of going on, knowing what I am, makes me nauseous. My son could grow up without me minus the painful custody battle. My family would grieve and drive themselves crazy though and that's what stops me, that and the thought my ex would think it was somehow her fault.

So for them and my son I'll drag on in my sh1t job with no money and no hope. I am no good of a dad like this am I???

Taltos

OP - can I strongly recommend that you go to your GP and tell them exactly what you have written above?

Being anxious all the time is not good for you or your ability to care for your son.
I am not going to offer any platitudes about how it gets better or stuff like that. Instead I am going to tell you just one thing - only YOU can make your life to be the one you want.

That includes asking for help when you really need it.
Talk to your GP or seek a counsellor to work though the real reasons you have done what you did so that you can really learn from them and be the best damn father you can be.

Stop beating yourself up over past mistakes, we all have made some at one point or another. What is more important than the mistake is how we handled it - and right now it seems to me that you need help in (re)learning how to handle those mistakes.

I have seen people go through similar upheaval to the one you describe and the ones that took full ownership and decided to move on succeeded all the faster than my brother-in-law who still to this day refuses to accept his role in the mess he created. He too lost everything, striking out at everyone he has even driven his children away - blaming them for telling their mum what he was up to.

So to be harsh - (sorry) - cop on to yourself, you have a great kid and you can be and will be a great father when you accept that you are human and messed up. Now pick up the phone tomorrow and get the help you need to be the father your kid deserves - no matter what he loves you...

Edit: Take a deep breath, slowly and close your eyes. Just keep doing that - you probably need to slow down your racing mind a bit, I find focusing on my breathing helps when it starts to get too much for me too sometimes - take 5 minutes right now in a quiet room and just breath.

LegacyUser

Adrift but salvageable? wrote: »

@Tomato Can: I'm anxious everywhere, constantly.

Went through tough school-life and a very traumatic ongoing custody battle. Always been very hard on myself but now I'm seeing my self turn into the person I always hated: narcissist, arrogant and self-involved and weak and cowardly.

I am my own worst enemy.

I really deeply hurt my ex, I contacted other girls and she found out, and god when I saw her face I wanted to die right there: the pain, the betrayal, the loss, the hurt. Why? her eyes pleaded.

She was my angel and I threw her love away. All over my need for attention from other girls.

So for them and my son I'll drag on in my sh1t job with no money and no hope. I am no good of a dad like this am I???

Well, it's sounds rough, that's for sure.

But if you can at all, it sounds like you would benefit from observing the situation from a more objective point of view.

You've mentioned twice, that you were bullied at school, or had a rough time there.

It sucks, but it's a facet of nature, that people will, when presented with the opportunity, tend to exploit the weaknesses and vulnerabilities of others; sometimes for no better reason than they can.
(This can vary from one situation to the next. School is one of the ones where it can definitely exist)

But this would suggest also, that there's a facet to your character, that - I don't think "improving", is necessarily the correct word - but there's something that needs augmentation, at the very least.
And that's not to be condescending at all. I don't know how it works exactly, but some people seem to have this, or get it "naturally", for whatever reason, and some people need to understand it, and implement it consciously.

If you were bullied, it would suggest that you either lack the ability to be assertive, or that you lack in "people skills", to some degree, or maybe both.
They're quite ambivalent descriptions in a sense, in that they don't define or outline your issue entirely, but would it be fair to say that that's relatively close to the mark?
Again, not to say that you're not a nice guy or well intentioned/good etc, but sometimes when we lack in something, it's possible that we may not even be conscious of it.

What was it about your character did you feel you lacking in, that gave others the "ability", in a sense, to give you a hard time?

At the moment, this is just sort of examining a smaller part of the picture - and I realize this is past for you, and your son and current life is the present - but with it's understanding, the rest should become more clear.

wylo

Have you considered a "spiritual" path? Dont be put off by the word spiritual , this is nothing to do with faith, in fact , the opposite , it is to do with focus of the mind , and realizing the nature of everything you are thinking is in fact BS!! Basically challenging your own beleifs.

To sum up, if you put in the work, it will make you happy.

estar

Hi op I don't think it's a question of copping on and taking control I think you should accept what your body and mind are telling you, that you need to see professional advice to heal and understand yourself and move forward from self hatred to self acceptance. you are seeing your child which is great. you need to start seeing some positives in yourself. Although you have made mistakes that doesn't mean your a bad person it just means you are capable of bad things like the rest of humanity. You can only sort the debt when you sort your mental well being.please seek out help and stop punishing yourself.

janja

Please take heed of all the wonderful replies.... they obviously were in your situation , listen to them pet ,,,,, please , they only want to help! You are not alone ... there are millions like you xxxx

LegacyUser

For all the kind words and advice.

Was texting the ex yesterday and I agreed to leave her be. It's heartbreaking but I brought this on. I was mean beyond words, and this is the aftermath.

The worst thing is she looks so gorgeous on her FB profile...and we're unfriended now.

I don't feel sorry for myself, I just feel very very sad.

Things are tense at home too, me and my bro don't talk. At all. Which is hard on my mam.

Dropped my son home and he was lovely with me but going home without him always makes me tear up, even with the memories of our weekend. He could have learning disabilities, which scares me even more---and his mum blames me for that--long story.

I just wonder why is it I'm living such a sad life. The real me would've made the most of school, done art, taught a little art class and made my money doing comics/movies. I'm stuck now in a deadend job, in a silent awkward home, supporting a child I don't see who may well get relocated to another country if his mum has anything to say...oh and the GP reckons I should exercise.

Tell that to my aching body.

Waiting on an MRI (200 quid, ouch) to see if they can fix my raw shoulder. Leg keeps twisting outward.

Basically I'm phucked.

Happy Christmas!

gpdv

I think you're great. You say you are a bad person, but bad people don't say that, they don't care about anything. You care about stuff. You took your time to come here and talk about your experiences.

You said you would like to do art, comics, movies. You're an artist, you see things differently, you have talents. Maybe you have a higher purpose? Focus on your art. Express yourself and your feelings.

You can do whatever you want with your life. The world is big, there are many things to do and to see, like in "Yes Man", you need to find something you like, something you enjoy doing, little things. I'm sad sometimes too, I don't even have a kid, sometimes I wish I had. Meet some friends, people who also like art, who share your interests. There are people who need you, don't disappear from their lives. Step by step you'll be happier and feel great, relax, take your time. One thing can lead into another, just make the first step.

anewme

I dont have much in the way of advice to give you except some of your post could have been written by myself. Seeing yours down in writing brings it home to me, so it may help me.

What is evident is how much you are hurting and how hard you are on yourself. We all make mistakes and you can't punish yourself for ever. You need to set yourself a new challenge. Would you consider perhaps getting fit or setting a goal for a hobby for something? People like you (like me) who are hard on themselves are usually quite focussed in goals like that and it would prove to be a distraction. At the moment, you are focussing on your ex and all the self hate that is coming from that is bringing you down, down and then further down again, just when you think you cant go any further. STOP!

Secondly, give up the drink as it is a depressant. The vicious cycle of drinking to sleep and block out crap does not work and is making you more tired and fatigued

Thirdly, counselling would help, talking this through with someone will help you.

Finally, it's all about acceptance and loving yourself. How can you really love anyone else, if you dont accept and love yourself warts and all.

I'm here preaching to you, but am just getting a handle on a spoonful of my own medicine.

Good Luck. You deserve to be happy, same as anyone else.

Piriz

in a couple of years time you have the potential to look back on this moment and realise how strong you actually are as you have overcome your difficulties and found your happiness again.. i've experienced this and i feel strong and capable, positive and happy now...

good luck OP.. spend time doing one thing that you enjoy a couple of times a week just as a starting point to recovery...it will make a difference i can assure you!
if you have little confidence in your doctor go to a different one..