Need your help to save my relationship

LegacyUser

Hi all, long time poster but going to un-reg for this one.

I'll keep this reasonably short... I've been dating my gf (25) for 20 months (I'm 29). We've had a great relationship for the most part but a constant underlying tone has been my jealousy. She tolerated and helped me work on it for a long time but for the past 6 months, I could feel myself wearing on her. All along, I've felt I couldn't help myself and would only ever realise I'd gone too far when it was too late.

Over the past few weeks, I feel like I've pushed her away just too far. I took a few days out and worked through everything myself. I figured out that a lot of it was down to my own self confidence and I am embarrassed with the ways I've acted over the past year or so. I know I've made progress mentally but I haven't really demonstrated this yet. I am now ready to give this my all but with I feel like she doesn't believe me (and I suppose with good reason). She hasn't wanted sex (bar twice) in the past 3 weeks and when I kiss her, she'll always pull away first.

I've been conscious to not crowd her and for the past week, I've been as good a friend/boyfriend and I could possibly be. I asked her this morning when dropping her to work if she was feeling any better about us and she said "a little". Just as she left the car, I told her I loved her and she said "I love you too".

I know I'm out of chances with her and I'm not even sure if it's now too late to save. Have I pushed her too far? What can I do to show her I mean business? Any ideas?

Pebbles68

She has been patient with you, now it's your turn. You have been acting in a jealous way and telling her you don't trust her(maybe not directly but subconsciously that's what she understands) It's an insulting message to get when you are in a relationship and love someone. So now you have worked through your issues. SHe has spent 20 months with you behaving in one way. One week of you behaving defferently isn't going to change how she feels or what she expects. Unfortunately for you it's more of the sensible behaviour and lots of patience and hopefully she will come around to seeing the good side of the man she fell in love with.

tinkerbell

All you can do is show her you've changed in how you treat her. This will take time for her to see that you've changed and are not acting like a crazy jealous person all the time.

It's up to her to decide whether she wants to give you that time. Other than that, not much else you can do. In this case, actions definitely speak way more than words. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far. I'm terrified I've pushed her away though :-(

I'm going to call to her after work with a bunch of flowers to congratulate her on her new job. I'm going to try and not talk about feelings etc. One thing I copped is that I think she subconsciously associates me with arguing now and I want to get rid of that. Words can't describe how much i love her. She's my number 1 fan and always encourages me in everything I do. We're going away for a night on Saturday to visit friends so I'm hoping we can have a great time at that.

LegacyUser

OP you sound very suffocating and needy. Although you seem to have come to a small realisation that you have gone too far, I don't see real evidence from your post that you have gained the actual real insight needed to change.

EG; You're intending to give her flowers later, don't. That's just more of the same behaviour as before, it's emotionally manipulative. You know she is unsure at the moment so giving flowers comes accross as pressuring her to reassure you again. Instead of doing the hard and difficult thing of showing her by your behaviour that you are prepared to be patient and wait for her to come around in her own time.

If you want to show her you mean business how about backing off a bit and giving her some space. Not lipservice but ACTUAL space. It'll require a sacrifice on your part and learning how to control those impulses to smother her.

Are you giving her lifts to work every day?
Was that your idea? Maybe allow her to make her own way into work and have her own life.

You can't supervise someone, you need to look at your behaviour and do the hardest thing for you and this is to back off, stop thinking about yourself and your needs (constant affirmation and reassurance) Let her tell you she loves you spontaneously. Don't keep saying it so she feels obliged to say it back to you.

I would seek a bit of counselling and learn the reasons behind your behaviour. With the best will in the world you can't change your behaviour without understanding the root causes.