overbearing mom?

LegacyUser

I've been lurking in the July 2012 forum for a few weeks now: due on July 12 with our first little one.

A bit of venting here and want to know if I'm being oversensitive (very likely considering my state these days) or if this would bother other ladies as well. My mom, who I have a nice relationship with, keeps referring to "our baby". This is "ours" as in the extended families, not as in me and my husband. Today she forwarded a friend's family picture and included a reference that "our baby will be around that age next Christmas".

When my husband and I announced our pregnancy she very excitedly showed me a whole closet of clothes she's already bought for some at that time to-be-conceived grandchild. All of the "firsts" were covered--first christening, first Halloween, first Christmas. I left feeling deflated that my husband and I are either going to have to forego choosing those items ourselves or risk hurting her feelings by not going with her choices.

I know her intentions are pure but this really gets under my skin for some reason. This is the first grandchild on both sides, so I know the grandparents are very excited. I'm trying to keep this in perspective and have just ignored her message until I can respond in a way that I won't regret later.

Would anyone else be bothered by this? I know I've been sensitive lately and have been feeling rotten as well. Any thoughts, suggestions or commiserations would be appreciated!

Orion

th2693 wrote: »

I left feeling deflated that my husband and I are either going to have to forego choosing those items ourselves or risk hurting her feelings by not going with her choices.

I know her intentions are pure but this really gets under my skin for some reason. This is the first grandchild on both sides, so I know the grandparents are very excited. I'm trying to keep this in perspective and have just ignored her message until I can respond in a way that I won't regret later.

Would anyone else be bothered by this? I know I've been sensitive lately and have been feeling rotten as well. Any thoughts, suggestions or commiserations would be appreciated!

You're right to be bothered. It's not just the first grandchild - it's your first child. You're are the one having the child and raising it. You just need to have a talk with her and tell her that you want to do these things. Tell her you appreciate the gesture but first Christmas/Christening/birthday etc are yours with your child to plan and arrange.

A lot of the time people think they're helping and are all well intentioned but when this is pointed out to them they're ok about it. The first Christmas clothes could be worn on the first Stephen's Day. Christening dress could be worn the following day if visiting. Compromises like that could make it all good.

Kash

Your child, your choice, no?

It's kind of sweet that she is so enthusiastic, but too much sweetness makes anyone feel sick.

Your best bet is to explain how you feel to her, as nicely as you can, but still firmly, that pregnancy is overwhelming enough without knowing what they'll be wearing for xmas 2012 - there's no guarantee anything would fit anyway!

You can always coo and aw over the little outfits, but you need her to understand that it's all a bit much right now - she needs to help you get through the pregnancy first

And come and join us in the July thread, i'm due the day after you!

Neyite

Its like she is taking ownership of the baby, and thats not right. I get that she is excited - my mam is too and is pure giddy about it, but she recognises its my baby, and belongs to me and my partner. Your mothers view that the baby belongs to all the family is a tad odd.

Similarly, all the outfits bought for occasions years into the future is eerie. I 'm not superstitious, but could you play it that way and say that you are uncomfortable with it because it feels like tempting fate and also that she has now ruined those occasions for you and your husband because you cant have the pleasure of picking something out together? let her think its the pregnancy hormones if you think it will help.

If it were me, I would have it out with her. It's clothes at the moment, but she will start buying equipment and furniture, and overriding your judgement when the baby arrives, say with your baby routine, what is fed, when its weaned. Nip it in the bud now.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies--looks like I have to have a talk with my mom and let her know how I'm feeling. She's retired now, my stepdad is a fair few years older than her and they live in a very remote place, so I know she's a bit understimulated at the moment. The prospect of a new grandchild is a bit much for her I suppose.

It's odd because she isn't seeming to give that much of a hoot about me. Past weekend I took a spill down the stairs and while she knows of my accident I've only had one brief phone call from her, and that was because it was my husband's birthday so she called to wish him well. I've also had the flu the past few days with no word at all from her.

Ho hum, suppose I'm a mother now, not just a daughter. Will wait til I'm feeling better and then will address it. Thanks again for the opinions and advice!

nicowa

I'm really sorry to hear that you'rea having, and I'm sorry to say, will probably continue to have this kind of trouble with your mum. Mine is a bit more distant than I'd like possibly out of a fear she'd worry me - she mentions these worries to my older sister which is how I hear about it.

Talk to hear (as everyone said) and let her know she is definitly overstepping - cos if you don't start now you'll never tell her.

Just out of curiousity, was it all girls clothes or all boy clothes? I can't imagine the first christmas clothes could be easily covered otherwise - sorry, it just strikes me as a very odd thing for someone to do. Would you think about encouraging her to get out more, take up a hobby - she does sound a little lonely (understimulated, as you said).

th2693

Thanks for your response nicowa. They were gender neutral clothes--some that she has made, some that she has bought. I was talking with my OH about my frustrations this weekend and he admitted that my stepdad told him about the stockpile a few days before our wedding, and that she's been adding to it since I was in my early 20s. I'm 35 now! And my gosh am I lucky that my OH didn't run for that hills after that news :eek:

In the past I have suggested that she get out more and recently she has definitely been doing so, so hopefully it will improve over time.

I haven't had a chat with her yet as I would like to do it over the phone and don't want to tarnish the holidays in case I hurt her feelings. A bit of biting my tongue in the meantime.

lounakin

All I can say is... omg... no other words! I would go mental if my mum had pulled this crazy stunt on me! I know my mum's been super excited about her first grand child (like most would be) but has enough respect not to let herself totally consumed by this. Just reading this disgusts me! Ahh!!! It reminds me of when I first told a couple of people and didn't think they would make this news their own and spread it around without my knowledge! My family is in another country and for xmas I had planned on inviting everyone and telling them all at once... well... they all knew! I don't understand how people can be so insensitive and act like it's everybody's child!