Alone again for Christmas..

LegacyUser

Hi every one.
Just wondering if anyone has any comforting words, or can point be in a better direction here.
Okay, here it goes.

I am a 21 year old Male, 22 in January and I am feeling quiet lonely. I have never had a real relationship with a guy, understandable seen as I am only 21, and I only came out to my close friends and family recently.

Before I go further, I just want to say that I do not see myself as a needy person. It just feels like I am missing some thing in my life. I feel as if just have so much more love to give, and I am keeping it deep inside my emotions. I mean I see my friends all joking and having fun allot, obvious chemistry between some of them(All Hetro) and I feel as if I can't get involved without causing some sort of awkwardness for myself or them. When I see happy couples, I don't necessarily feel jealous, just alone.

I live in the country side, but not too far from town so there is that wind of change happening amongst our Parish as two or three people have come out over the last 3 or 4 years. But most of them are in there late 30's, and are involved with some body.
I'n Kilkenny there is not much of a scene, or at least if there is there very shy about it. Personally I don't think I could identify with the scene and some of it's people.

I am sticking my neck out here now when I say this, but I am straight acting. I do not feel it necessary to change my outwardly appearance. I am some what rugged looking, broad and not a stereo-typically looking gay man. (Not my stereo type, the media's before people jump down my neck) I do not think people would look at me and say he's gay, or I wonder if.

Now here's the real issue - I tend to find it hard to let people in. I was always very reserved until around the age of 14 or 15 when I started getting more confident, had a big circle of friends who I got along with very well. I did well in school during this time, and even won student of the year. As I progressed in to the late teens I became more aware of my orientation and stopped seeing girls. I became very close friends with 3 or 4 people and started seeing less and less of everyone else. Just as I came to Sixth year one of my said close friends committed suicide. It literally turned my world upside down and I really got heavily depressed.

Over the next 4 years I attended counselling on a semi-regular basis. I am now largely at terms with my sexual identity and the loss of my friend. But on a deeper level there's obviously some thing still not right. I keep people at arms distance and I have only had one meaningful relationship, and even that only lasted 5-6 months. I miss that massively though! Cuddling up on the sofa, having some one to wake up next to, all of these things I am missing.

Sorry I have to cut this post short but I will come back later to finish, and answer any questions.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

dalian11

hello,
it was interesting to read your letter. you mentioned a couple of things that i would like to comment on. i wont try and offer advice as too many people try that and after all only you know whats best for you. you say that your straight acting, rugged looking etc...thats cool. you have nothing to apologise for. whether you look like daniel craig or a screaming cross dresser its no ones business but your own. it is indeed hard to be alone, especially when you can see others who seem so happy. i do take your point that you are not needy...but again, there is nothing wrong with being needy. we all need a hug and love to wake up in the morning with the guy we love.

it may seem very cliched but do love yourself first. if you feel needy, treat yourself and be kind to yourself. its wonderful that you went to the trouble of writing down your feelings. that is hugely important. i hope also that you have someone with whom you can share your feelings. it isnt important he he/she provides you with answers. it is only important that you be able to express yourself.

please forgive me in advance...you are young and you have your whole life ahead of you and hopefully you will find your love. very best wishes to you..

dalian11

..many years ago i awoke one morning with a hangover from hell. i had been drinking with my army pals on the previous evening. when i looked through my pockets i found a scribbled note which read: 'to thine own self be true'.

i had no idea what it meant, who wrote it, or what was its significance. it took me many many years to realise that the chap who wrote it realised that i was gay - before i had ever contemplated or even come to terms with that fact.

i smile now as i remember that guys wisdom and his advice. sometimes i regret that it took me so long to heed his words. anyway..i have now arrived at that place (and with a man) i want to be.

....my reason for telling you this is that (as you rightly said) you are young but even more importantly you know WHO you are..

fluffybiscuits

Hi mate

My heart goes out to your firstly. Its not an easy situation.

I recommend making gay friends in the area. Build up a network. There is the gay south east (Im in work so not on facebook but check them out, think there is another group called Eagle also). Check out GCN also for listings on what may be on in the area. Patience is the key i reckon but some may say other wise.

Take care of yourself!

player20

Kilkenny_Anon wrote: »

....

I am 20 years old and I have not been in a relationship for a long time. I know how you are feelig I need a grilfriend at this moment.:(

LegacyUser

Hi folks, thanks for the replies and my deepest appologies for not getting back sooner.

@dalian11
Thank you for the replies and the lovely idiom from your army pal. It is indeed applicable to myself too. I guess the fact that I am not yet comfortable in my own skin, and do not display any of my "gay-ness" others may not be aware of my orientation and therefore hesitant in appraching me.

I tend to over analyse absolutely every thing, my counsellor called it analysis paralysis. When my mind makes such a massive ordeal out of some thing trivial. Some what like the first few initial "coming out's" I went through.

I have had a very rocky couple of years as I mentioned above. Losing my close friend to suicide, my parents marriage failing, failing at college and indeed the mountain of confusion I carried around on my shoulders regarding my sexual orientation. I have as stated being to counselling but do I need more? I mean I can openly discuss my life problems with some of my closest family. Grandmother, Mother, sister, few friends even.. But I still do get that feeling of rawness.

Going back to the root of the problem before I start ranting, I am lonely, very..
I suppose as Dalian said, do I love myself. Not entirely.. But how do I fully accept that I am gay? I mean I know I am, I have told the people I want to tell.. What next? Do I just give it time?

As for the lonely part, obvious solution is to find company. Sorry to disregard your comment fluffybiscuits but I do live in a rural area and building a network of gay friends is hard. I know of one person who lives in my immediate area who is gay. He is in a happy relationship and is quiet a bit older than I, infact he was my employer at an early stage in my teenage years lol. I have tried gaydar, manhunt and the likes but I don't enjoy the sleezey approach most men online have. Any pics, fancy a ride etc etc.. I am looking for a friend, a partner any thing that will satisfy my soul not my pyshical needs, no matter how tempting it might be. I have meet 2 people in person online since I ended my bried relationship, but did not have a spark with either of them, and when I suggested we didn't take things further I was a little upset at how BOTH men handled it. Text's such as what you doing tonight out of the blue still get sent to me, even though I thought I made it clear I was not interested in them. Do I need to be rude with them to be kind to myself? How do I handle this?

I will update again tonight and respond to any further comments.

fluffybiscuits

Kilkenny_Anon wrote: »

Hi folks, thanks for the replies and my deepest appologies for not getting back sooner.

@dalian11
Thank you for the replies and the lovely idiom from your army pal. It is indeed applicable to myself too. I guess the fact that I am not yet comfortable in my own skin, and do not display any of my "gay-ness" others may not be aware of my orientation and therefore hesitant in appraching me.

I tend to over analyse absolutely every thing, my counsellor called it analysis paralysis. When my mind makes such a massive ordeal out of some thing trivial. Some what like the first few initial "coming out's" I went through.

I have had a very rocky couple of years as I mentioned above. Losing my close friend to suicide, my parents marriage failing, failing at college and indeed the mountain of confusion I carried around on my shoulders regarding my sexual orientation. I have as stated being to counselling but do I need more? I mean I can openly discuss my life problems with some of my closest family. Grandmother, Mother, sister, few friends even.. But I still do get that feeling of rawness.

Going back to the root of the problem before I start ranting, I am lonely, very..
I suppose as Dalian said, do I love myself. Not entirely.. But how do I fully accept that I am gay? I mean I know I am, I have told the people I want to tell.. What next? Do I just give it time?

As for the lonely part, obvious solution is to find company. Sorry to disregard your comment fluffybiscuits but I do live in a rural area and building a network of gay friends is hard. I know of one person who lives in my immediate area who is gay. He is in a happy relationship and is quiet a bit older than I, infact he was my employer at an early stage in my teenage years lol. I have tried gaydar, manhunt and the likes but I don't enjoy the sleezey approach most men online have. Any pics, fancy a ride etc etc.. I am looking for a friend, a partner any thing that will satisfy my soul not my pyshical needs, no matter how tempting it might be. I have meet 2 people in person online since I ended my bried relationship, but did not have a spark with either of them, and when I suggested we didn't take things further I was a little upset at how BOTH men handled it. Text's such as what you doing tonight out of the blue still get sent to me, even though I thought I made it clear I was not interested in them. Do I need to be rude with them to be kind to myself? How do I handle this?

I will update again tonight and respond to any further comments.

I lived in a rural area too for a while but made the effort to meet people. If you dont mind what do you feel are the barriers to meeting people where you are? I beg to differ but Im not aware of your circumstances a chara

LegacyUser

Hi again
@ Fluffybiscuits
To be 100% honest with you, it's a question of them being out. There are three people, I know who are interested in men who live within 5 miles, be that gay,bi, confused, closet or what ever. I actually have great admiration for BOTH of these guys and would love to even just be friends with them but they each have there own unique circumstances.

Person A, the oldest of the 3 is about 15 years older than I am. Not a problem as I actually have a bit of a thing for (slightly)older guys.. But he is in a relationship, and I wouldn't know how to approach him as he would know me as the lazy sod that worked in his nursery (garden centre) and nothing else about me I guess.

Person B, who I text now and again, is in a relationship with a woman for 2 years. I live with my Mum, who separated from my Dad after 25 years "together". I have learned how ever my father was unfaithful on more than one occasion and they lived seperate lives after the first 12 years of their marriage. Actually while i'm talking about this I may as well go a little bit further.. I will come back to person B.
My parents stayed together for my sake, and my sisters sake for many years and I really have never dealt with my fathers betrayal of who in my eyes is a great woman, and his children, myself and my sister. I know he is happier now but I just never felt close to my father and I guess this has caused an even greater chasm in our relationship. I guess that's why I have the daddy complex in way. Weird to think about it though because the idea of my father even with his shirt off is revolting. Any way.. About 5 months ago there was an evening where my father and I ended up actually fighting. Not gloating but we can both hold our own and only for a couple of my friends who were in the house at the time, we would have both seriously harmed each other..
To cut to the chase, we've not talked ANY thing out since he moved out, the lies, the acting, the deceit, the anger, the fight.. ANY THING.
I know one of us has to be the bigger man and initiate the conversation or some thing but thats going to be even harder than the whole ordeal of "Dad I have some thing to tell you... I'm gay".. which can I tell you was allot less trivial than that.

BACK TO PERSON B
He is in a happy relationship, and has been faithful to his missus much to my twisted disappointment. But hey fair play to him.

Person C
Is not out and I am not sure if any one other than myself and one other are aware of. The other person is from Tipp and it is only by chance that we went to the same school so he told me he was with some one in my area.. and low and be hold we have the gorgeous mechanic who's just turned 30. Now I actually see this guy on a fairly regular basis, but I cannot bring myself to confront him as it when I see him its only in passing. How do I get to talk to him? Randomly text him some time (it would be my 1st mobile phone contact with him ever so I dont want to freak him out.. It's just such a complicated mess.

And finally, in Kilkenny...
I actually only know 2 or 3 gay people that are out and without sounding vain I know I am not interested in them. Not because they are out but because socially and physically we just would not be compatible. I am a bit of music head or what ever would be the appropriate term. I don't go out drinking that much, and I don't particularly enjoy night clubs and wasting 100 euro on a night out. I know this makes me sound like an up-tight cultie who doesn't know how to have fun. I just don't see a connection between myself and these people.

Just a little side story for those interested..
When I was in the last year or two of school, (around the time I lost my mate), I got really close to this one guy called John. We used to make sure we both knew where the house parties were and make sure they other was going. We used to hang out at lunch in school. He started coming home to my house after nights out. He would sleep in my bed (No nothing ever happened). But when my other mate passed away we became even closer. He would come pick me up and make sure I was ok, he would just drive to Waterford or some thing just to get me out of the house. During this time I basically feel head over heels with him. The hardest part about it was I was/am convinced he was interested in me. Little bit of history on John is he is the son of a farmer, who passed away within the last 10 years. He works the farm, and attends school/college and is basically then man of the house now, and has been since about the age of 15. I as you can probably see clearly from this, massive admiration for him. We had this chemistry between us that I haven't had with any body else, not even my ex-partner. We would laugh and joke, and pretend fight etc. We were completely at ease with each other. We made constant eye contact, even in school (all boy's). We were closer than brothers. Eventually there was a night where I think he made a move. I had a little bit of a party, about 8 people over drinking. Around 3 o clock people started going home, and John was staying. I was up in bed before the last few people left. Then John came up to bed as he would after a night out on the town. He got into bed and basically tried to hug me and say some thing like Ah (My name).. I thought he was joking and kind of pushed him off a little bit. Dont ask me why. But after that he just turned around and went to sleep.. I regret that night so much, what if etc etc
About 3 months later we stopped spending so much time together, and he eventually started a relationship with a woman. I feel so jealous when I think of them.
Still though, any time I see him at a party he approaches me, or I him. I still feel a warmth from him. I've asked some of the friends I am out to watch him around me and they all said he does be kind of protective of me, like watching me, and just as an example he'd have he's arms on either side of the back of my chair when talking to me. I know I am reading into this ALLOT but there's at least 4 or 5 of my friends who I asked to be brutally honest with me and they all agreed that he seems to like me. The last time we spoke in person was at my little sisters 18th and going away party. He was as described above and even asked me to come stay down in THEIR house down in Waterford for a night out. But that was at least 13 months ago. Too long ago.. Should I take him up on this offer some time? Would I be going under false pretences?

RANT OVER

waterglass305

Hi, I read your entries and I know whats its like to have no outlet and to feel alone. Even though I live in a city I still find it hard to make friends who are gay. I'm not friends with any one in my neighborhood and I only ever hang out with anyone gay when I go on society events, it good but not perfect. And I only have about two or three close friends (not gay) but they are the greatest friends ever.

I would love to say that your friend that you obviously have a crush on is gay or bi but I honestly think he's straight. I went through the same thing, I crushed on one guy for two-three years of secondary but could never build up the courage to do anything. He once told me that he had thought he was bi (while bringing me into a gay cafe to use the free internet) but he "never kissed a guy". I wanted him so bad that it hurt but it passed and I realized he was prob straight and just bull****ting (which he has a medal for).

Its hard but I think your friend is just that, a friend. My opinion is to just be his friend. A true friend is worth their weight in gold and that's what your guy is
I say text him and just be friends with him.

As mentioned above contacting lgbt groups and organizing meet ups is a great way to come out. When I first came out, I contacted my colleges lgbt society and had a one-on-one meeting which was the greatest thing ever. It was terrifying don't be mistaken, I was shaking and going pale, thought I would have a panic attack.
But it was so liberating and I moved out of my shell a little bit. I know you can't exactly contact a college lgbt society but there are other groups in Ireland you can go to, it sucks you live in the country:(.
If you want there's a good lgbt society in UCC, if you want to contact them do or pm me about attending our events. You wouldn't be the first non student attending, my good friend goes to Griffith college and they attend all our events!! And if you live closer to Dublin or Limerick contact those societies, no one is going to check.

One thing I wouldn't do is come out at work, I work part time as a delivery boy and we got a delivery for a gay bar and the subtle homophobia among the delivery guys told me never to come out. Neither of us need hassle at our work places, if we need to lie, I say lie. :cool:
And I don't care what award the Gaurds have won. that could be the case in the cities but may not be true for the countryside, unfortunately.:(

fluffybiscuits

Kilkenny_Anon wrote: »

Hi again
@ Fluffybiscuits
To be 100% honest with you, it's a question of them being out. There are three people, I know who are interested in men who live within 5 miles, be that gay,bi, confused, closet or what ever. I actually have great admiration for BOTH of these guys and would love to even just be friends with them but they each have there own unique circumstances.

Person A, the oldest of the 3 is about 15 years older than I am. Not a problem as I actually have a bit of a thing for (slightly)older guys.. But he is in a relationship, and I wouldn't know how to approach him as he would know me as the lazy sod that worked in his nursery (garden centre) and nothing else about me I guess.

Person B, who I text now and again, is in a relationship with a woman for 2 years. I live with my Mum, who separated from my Dad after 25 years "together". I have learned how ever my father was unfaithful on more than one occasion and they lived seperate lives after the first 12 years of their marriage. Actually while i'm talking about this I may as well go a little bit further.. I will come back to person B.
My parents stayed together for my sake, and my sisters sake for many years and I really have never dealt with my fathers betrayal of who in my eyes is a great woman, and his children, myself and my sister. I know he is happier now but I just never felt close to my father and I guess this has caused an even greater chasm in our relationship. I guess that's why I have the daddy complex in way. Weird to think about it though because the idea of my father even with his shirt off is revolting. Any way.. About 5 months ago there was an evening where my father and I ended up actually fighting. Not gloating but we can both hold our own and only for a couple of my friends who were in the house at the time, we would have both seriously harmed each other..
To cut to the chase, we've not talked ANY thing out since he moved out, the lies, the acting, the deceit, the anger, the fight.. ANY THING.
I know one of us has to be the bigger man and initiate the conversation or some thing but thats going to be even harder than the whole ordeal of "Dad I have some thing to tell you... I'm gay".. which can I tell you was allot less trivial than that.

BACK TO PERSON B
He is in a happy relationship, and has been faithful to his missus much to my twisted disappointment. But hey fair play to him.

Person C
Is not out and I am not sure if any one other than myself and one other are aware of. The other person is from Tipp and it is only by chance that we went to the same school so he told me he was with some one in my area.. and low and be hold we have the gorgeous mechanic who's just turned 30. Now I actually see this guy on a fairly regular basis, but I cannot bring myself to confront him as it when I see him its only in passing. How do I get to talk to him? Randomly text him some time (it would be my 1st mobile phone contact with him ever so I dont want to freak him out.. It's just such a complicated mess.

And finally, in Kilkenny...
I actually only know 2 or 3 gay people that are out and without sounding vain I know I am not interested in them. Not because they are out but because socially and physically we just would not be compatible. I am a bit of music head or what ever would be the appropriate term. I don't go out drinking that much, and I don't particularly enjoy night clubs and wasting 100 euro on a night out. I know this makes me sound like an up-tight cultie who doesn't know how to have fun. I just don't see a connection between myself and these people.

Just a little side story for those interested..
When I was in the last year or two of school, (around the time I lost my mate), I got really close to this one guy called John. We used to make sure we both knew where the house parties were and make sure they other was going. We used to hang out at lunch in school. He started coming home to my house after nights out. He would sleep in my bed (No nothing ever happened). But when my other mate passed away we became even closer. He would come pick me up and make sure I was ok, he would just drive to Waterford or some thing just to get me out of the house. During this time I basically feel head over heels with him. The hardest part about it was I was/am convinced he was interested in me. Little bit of history on John is he is the son of a farmer, who passed away within the last 10 years. He works the farm, and attends school/college and is basically then man of the house now, and has been since about the age of 15. I as you can probably see clearly from this, massive admiration for him. We had this chemistry between us that I haven't had with any body else, not even my ex-partner. We would laugh and joke, and pretend fight etc. We were completely at ease with each other. We made constant eye contact, even in school (all boy's). We were closer than brothers. Eventually there was a night where I think he made a move. I had a little bit of a party, about 8 people over drinking. Around 3 o clock people started going home, and John was staying. I was up in bed before the last few people left. Then John came up to bed as he would after a night out on the town. He got into bed and basically tried to hug me and say some thing like Ah (My name).. I thought he was joking and kind of pushed him off a little bit. Dont ask me why. But after that he just turned around and went to sleep.. I regret that night so much, what if etc etc
About 3 months later we stopped spending so much time together, and he eventually started a relationship with a woman. I feel so jealous when I think of them.
Still though, any time I see him at a party he approaches me, or I him. I still feel a warmth from him. I've asked some of the friends I am out to watch him around me and they all said he does be kind of protective of me, like watching me, and just as an example he'd have he's arms on either side of the back of my chair when talking to me. I know I am reading into this ALLOT but there's at least 4 or 5 of my friends who I asked to be brutally honest with me and they all agreed that he seems to like me. The last time we spoke in person was at my little sisters 18th and going away party. He was as described above and even asked me to come stay down in THEIR house down in Waterford for a night out. But that was at least 13 months ago. Too long ago.. Should I take him up on this offer some time? Would I be going under false pretences?

RANT OVER

The lad sounds like a wonderful chap Kilkenny , he seems like a brotherly type and who knows perhaps there may be more there. Aside from that you mentioned you feel alone this Christmas and that you have barriers to meeting people. To meet like minded people or friends sometimes we have to leave the comfort of our own home and our comfort zone and enter the world at large. Im not for one moment suggesting you emmigrate or anything like that but perhaps delve into other activities that are out there. You mentioned you are a music head and not into pubs and clubs , there is a lot out there. Perhaps pick up a copy of GCN and look at the activities listed there and from there perhaps in teh New Years try one or two things. I know some of the emerald warriors rugby team, they have a great social life etc but using that as an example there may be something closer to home , maybe in Waterford etc. I can understand your hesitancy but the world is not going to come to you, you have to go to the world and a wonderful person such as yourself perhaps should try that! Hope it all works out for you and perhaps this man you admire and like, I would love to see things work out between ye

Mad_NoMad

i read ur post intently as i am in a very similar situation of feeling quite lonely and miserable this christmas. for the last few years of college i have tried to ignore my sexuality, it is becoming increasingly obvious that i am gay or bi and i will have to deal with the situation. now i am 22 and almost finished in college i have watched my friends go from a cohesive group of lads who went out on the piss, to people who are getting long term girlfriends and beginning to settle down while life passes me by. I have used alcohol and travelling to escape a lot from the reality here. While i really want to come out, i know it will change things between me and my friends, and to be honest all of the gay people i do know are very camp and not my cup of tea at all. however i know that i will eventually need to bite the bullet and do it, as the longer i leave it the more like a deception it seems in some ways..but sorry for hijacking this thread with my ramblings..

basically op i feel ur pain, u seem like a great guy and im sure things will get better for u and u will meet someone cool. if there is no possiblities where u r from, is there any chance u could move to a city any time? sometimes the thought of living in london or somewhere in america in a big city with endless possibilities gets me through dark times. good luck man!

ninty9er

Kilkenny_Anon wrote: »

Hi every one.
Just wondering if anyone has any comforting words, or can point be in a better direction here.
Okay, here it goes.

I am a 21 year old Male, 22 in January and I am feeling quiet lonely. I have never had a real relationship with a guy, understandable seen as I am only 21, and I only came out to my close friends and family recently.

I'm 25 this week and I've never been in a serious relationship and only had one relationship that could be considered more than friends, but not dating this year with a younger guy. Don't feel it's not going to happen, it eventually will, when you least expect it.

Kilkenny_Anon wrote: »

Before I go further, I just want to say that I do not see myself as a needy person. It just feels like I am missing some thing in my life. I feel as if just have so much more love to give, and I am keeping it deep inside my emotions. I mean I see my friends all joking and having fun allot, obvious chemistry between some of them(All Hetro) and I feel as if I can't get involved without causing some sort of awkwardness for myself or them. When I see happy couples, I don't necessarily feel jealous, just alone.

It won't be awkward. You've told them right? Then just carry on as normal. Mine are a bit older than yours, but I get asked all the relationship stuff that gets asked, I get the slagging about who I've shifted and we all (the single ones of us) moan about how we need to get girlfirends/a boyfriend. I never expected that to be how it went, but these are my friends and I wasn't going to become distant from them because I like men. They were really accepting and even warned one of the lads who I was worried about telling. They (against my wishes) told him in advance. They deny it, but he knew and was really accepting despite the homophobic comments/anger at homosexuality etc before that. You haven't become a different person;)

Kilkenny_Anon wrote: »

Personally I don't think I could identify with the scene and some of it's people.

I don't either, the few times I've been to a gay bar it's been with pretty masculine guys and even though it's counter intuitive, we'd generally stick together.

Kilkenny_Anon wrote: »

I am sticking my neck out here now when I say this, but I am straight acting. I do not feel it necessary to change my outwardly appearance. I am some what rugged looking, broad and not a stereo-typically looking gay man. (Not my stereo type, the media's before people jump down my neck) I do not think people would look at me and say he's gay, or I wonder if.

Snap. I've found masculine a good match for the "straight acting" tag.

Kilkenny_Anon wrote: »

Now here's the real issue - I tend to find it hard to let people in. I was always very reserved until around the age of 14 or 15 when I started getting more confident, had a big circle of friends who I got along with very well. I did well in school during this time, and even won student of the year. As I progressed in to the late teens I became more aware of my orientation and stopped seeing girls. I became very close friends with 3 or 4 people and started seeing less and less of everyone else. Just as I came to Sixth year one of my said close friends committed suicide. It literally turned my world upside down and I really got heavily depressed.

Us "gifted" students have a tendency to be a little less socially extrovert. Don't worry about that party. I think there's a bit below that covers the rest below.

Kilkenny_Anon wrote: »

Over the next 4 years I attended counselling on a semi-regular basis. I am now largely at terms with my sexual identity and the loss of my friend. But on a deeper level there's obviously some thing still not right. I keep people at arms distance and I have only had one meaningful relationship, and even that only lasted 5-6 months. I miss that massively though! Cuddling up on the sofa, having some one to wake up next to, all of these things I am missing.

"Having someone" is something I'd love, but like you say below there are very few people looking for that out there online where there's a big gay community. There are people on online chat sites who are there just for chat, you could call it a support network of sorts. Some people might laugh at the thought that there are people on grindr not looking for sex, but there are. Even the ones who are looking for sex will sometimes have a chat and nothing else. There's lots of people looking for sex, but there are people looking for something more, or just someone in a similar situation to talk to. It can be liberating to talk stuff through with a strnager who has no vested interest in telling you what you want to hear.

Kilkenny_Anon wrote: »

Hi again
@ Fluffybiscuits
To be 100% honest with you, it's a question of them being out. There are three people, I know who are interested in men who live within 5 miles, be that gay,bi, confused, closet or what ever. I actually have great admiration for BOTH of these guys and would love to even just be friends with them but they each have there own unique circumstances.

Do you have anything besides being gay in common? If not then why are you making contact? Having being gay as the only common thing is a good match if you're looking for someone to go on the pull with, not much else. That said. I do have quite a few gay acquaintances and a number of gay friends. Having a masculine gay friend really helped me come to terms with who I am, but it didn't make him any more my friend that I realised I'm gay.

Kilkenny_Anon wrote: »

My parents stayed together for my sake, and my sisters sake for many years and I really have never dealt with my fathers betrayal of who in my eyes is a great woman, and his children, myself and my sister. I know he is happier now but I just never felt close to my father and I guess this has caused an even greater chasm in our relationship. I guess that's why I have the daddy complex in way. Weird to think about it though because the idea of my father even with his shirt off is revolting. Any way.. About 5 months ago there was an evening where my father and I ended up actually fighting. Not gloating but we can both hold our own and only for a couple of my friends who were in the house at the time, we would have both seriously harmed each other..
To cut to the chase, we've not talked ANY thing out since he moved out, the lies, the acting, the deceit, the anger, the fight.. ANY THING.
I know one of us has to be the bigger man and initiate the conversation or some thing but thats going to be even harder than the whole ordeal of "Dad I have some thing to tell you... I'm gay".. which can I tell you was allot less trivial than that.

This is why you need your friends, and possibly this is something you could talk through with your sister, you don't mention her a lot.

Kilkenny_Anon wrote: »

BACK TO PERSON B
He is in a happy relationship, and has been faithful to his missus much to my twisted disappointment. But hey fair play to him.

It's okay to fancy guys, but not to torment yourself over something that's more than likely never going to happen.

Kilkenny_Anon wrote: »

Person C
Is not out and I am not sure if any one other than myself and one other are aware of. The other person is from Tipp and it is only by chance that we went to the same school so he told me he was with some one in my area.. and low and be hold we have the gorgeous mechanic who's just turned 30. Now I actually see this guy on a fairly regular basis, but I cannot bring myself to confront him as it when I see him its only in passing. How do I get to talk to him? Randomly text him some time (it would be my 1st mobile phone contact with him ever so I dont want to freak him out.. It's just such a complicated mess.

Back to Person A. Why are you wanting to contact him? when you know why, you'll know wheteher you should.

Kilkenny_Anon wrote: »

And finally, in Kilkenny...
I actually only know 2 or 3 gay people that are out and without sounding vain I know I am not interested in them. Not because they are out but because socially and physically we just would not be compatible. I am a bit of music head or what ever would be the appropriate term. I don't go out drinking that much, and I don't particularly enjoy night clubs and wasting 100 euro on a night out. I know this makes me sound like an up-tight cultie who doesn't know how to have fun. I just don't see a connection between myself and these people.

Your friends will have other friends who have friends who are gay, your paths will eventually cross. I know very few of the lads whose girlfriends were mutual friends of someone else. Getting into a relationship with a randomer is something of a foreign concept amongst the people I know. I don't know if this is a norm, but if you think about it, most couples you know probably met through a mutual friend, this isn't reserved for heterosexuals.:)

Kilkenny_Anon wrote: »

Just a little side story for those interested..
When I was in the last year or two of school, (around the time I lost my mate), I got really close to this one guy called John. We used to make sure we both knew where the house parties were and make sure they other was going. We used to hang out at lunch in school. He started coming home to my house after nights out. He would sleep in my bed (No nothing ever happened). But when my other mate passed away we became even closer. He would come pick me up and make sure I was ok, he would just drive to Waterford or some thing just to get me out of the house. During this time I basically feel head over heels with him. The hardest part about it was I was/am convinced he was interested in me. Little bit of history on John is he is the son of a farmer, who passed away within the last 10 years. He works the farm, and attends school/college and is basically then man of the house now, and has been since about the age of 15. I as you can probably see clearly from this, massive admiration for him. We had this chemistry between us that I haven't had with any body else, not even my ex-partner. We would laugh and joke, and pretend fight etc. We were completely at ease with each other. We made constant eye contact, even in school (all boy's). We were closer than brothers. Eventually there was a night where I think he made a move. I had a little bit of a party, about 8 people over drinking. Around 3 o clock people started going home, and John was staying. I was up in bed before the last few people left. Then John came up to bed as he would after a night out on the town. He got into bed and basically tried to hug me and say some thing like Ah (My name).. I thought he was joking and kind of pushed him off a little bit. Dont ask me why. But after that he just turned around and went to sleep.. I regret that night so much, what if etc etc
About 3 months later we stopped spending so much time together, and he eventually started a relationship with a woman. I feel so jealous when I think of them.
Still though, any time I see him at a party he approaches me, or I him. I still feel a warmth from him. I've asked some of the friends I am out to watch him around me and they all said he does be kind of protective of me, like watching me, and just as an example he'd have he's arms on either side of the back of my chair when talking to me. I know I am reading into this ALLOT but there's at least 4 or 5 of my friends who I asked to be brutally honest with me and they all agreed that he seems to like me. The last time we spoke in person was at my little sisters 18th and going away party. He was as described above and even asked me to come stay down in THEIR house down in Waterford for a night out. But that was at least 13 months ago. Too long ago.. Should I take him up on this offer some time? Would I be going under false pretences?

This guy seems like a best friend, he could see you as a brother and he could just be acting the protective loving brother. I have friends that are protective of me but definitely not in a sexual way and I am protective of some friends to the extent that I would bust up anyone who hurt them (And I'm anything but violent, I don't get mad). On the other hand, does he know you are gay? Maybe you said, but I haven't quite seen it written down. You could discuss the stuff you are talking about here and one thing might lead to another and you could get a chance to be back there on that night where he made a move and the ending might be different. You seem to have a connection with the guy, but don't let your reading of it cost you your relationship with him. Even if he just wants to be friends, he seems like the type of guy you want in your life.

foggy_lad

Forgetting about Dublin and Waterford and gay club nights and all that goes with gay pubs and clubs, you will meet gay guys your own age and even a bit older if you wish in ordinary pubs around Kilkenny city and in most large towns around Ireland!

One in ten is gay so we are out there waiting, watching, stalking ahem just be your good auld self and have a good time with friends etc whether that involves rock music or mud wrestling, cross country running or bare knuckle boxing, having a few pints or medicating yourself till you cant stop moving to the beat of the music, and you will attract people who want to be with you in a relationship.

fluffybiscuits

foggy_lad wrote: »

Forgetting about Dublin and Waterford and gay club nights and all that goes with gay pubs and clubs, you will meet gay guys your own age and even a bit older if you wish in ordinary pubs around Kilkenny city and in most large towns around Ireland!

One in ten is gay so we are out there waiting, watching, stalking ahem just be your good auld self and have a good time with friends etc whether that involves rock music or mud wrestling, cross country running or bare knuckle boxing, having a few pints or medicating yourself till you cant stop moving to the beat of the music, and you will attract people who want to be with you in a relationship.

I think that is a very good idea. Even if its not gay men meeting like minded people can open up whole networks

Davaeo09

Hi folks it's Kilkenny_Anon
Not sure why I went Anon for the first few posts. I suppose I just wanted to get my story out there.

Thanks for all the nice posts. I really appreciate it!

Just thought id post and say that I am going to try get out of my comfort zone a bit more often. I think I am going to purposely try bump into John on a night out over the Christmas. You folks are right, even if nothing ever happens I would prefer him to be a friend of mine. And no I have not told him I am gay yet. After this long I don't want to drop a bomb like that out of now where. Or maybe I will have to.

ninty9er

Davaeo09 wrote: »

You folks are right, even if nothing ever happens I would prefer him to be a friend of mine. And no I have not told him I am gay yet. After this long I don't want to drop a bomb like that out of now where. Or maybe I will have to.

Drop the bombshell is what I would do. Just me, but it would give you an opportunity to not "bump into" him but to arrange to meet and have a bit of a heart to heart and ask for his advice: Him knowing you better than us and all;)

Well done