Girlfriend who tells her family a lot about us

um7y1h83ge06nx

Hi guys, curious to get an opinion here. My girlfriend tends to tell her family, and in particular her sister, alot about our relationship. Now we don't argue, but any minor issues seem to get back to her sister. Recently I was chatting with the sister and she brought up something that the girlfriend mentioned to her. It caught me a bit by surprise, it was nothing serious, I just didn't think she would have mentioned it to her.

In constrast I filter what I say to my parents about the girlfriend. No point bringing things up that could be thrown back in mine or her face at a later date. Our relationship is going well and we have talked about the long term so I want to have a good relationship with both sides of the family.

I guess I'm concerned she will start saying too much to her sister that may create conflict. I brought this up with her but she said that her family are open and would never interfere in our affairs or use anything against me or her.

So am I overreacting or am I right to be a little concerned?

Beruthiel

I like my privacy.
I wouldn't be at all impressed if every single thing I was saying and doing was discussed with a third party.
I wouldn't hesitate in pointing out to her that you would prefer if your relationship wasn't discussed with all and sundry.
That you tell her stuff in confidence and value your privacy. That trust is important to you.

curlzy

I disagree. She doesn't seem to be discussing this with all and sundry. She's discussing it with her sister. You also say that she's just mentioned something minor. Now you can ask her not to discuss any part of your relationship whatsoever with her family but I think that's well out of order, she should be entitled to discuss things with her family to bounce things off and figure stuff out. I use my family as a sounding board on alot of issues. They would never "throw anything in my face", perhaps your family would and that's what's giving you pause but just because your family would doesn't mean hers would. Asking her not to talk to them isn't fair in my opinion. The only thing that should be out of bounds is anything that happens in the bedroom or them thinking that their opinion holds any sway whatsoever. So yeah as long as those lines aren't crossed you don't really have a right to ask her not to talk to her family.

Ickle Magoo

I think where you put your boundaries in terms of what degree of privacy your relationship and your discussions have with third parties is really up to you, there is no right or wrong.

My sister is my best friend but I still wouldn't ever want to put my partner in the position of her knowing private information or being privy to private conversations we have.

I think it's something you need to discuss with your girlfriend and she has to understand that just because her family is open doesn't give her carte blanche to blab about everything that happens between you, if you aren't comfortable with that.

All the best.

Neyite

OP, I would be like your girlfriend - I am quite open with some members of my family (not all though) and especially close to my sister. My partner is like you in that he feels lots of stuff is just nobody's business.

So, we compromise - he knows that if he is telling me something that he doesent want said to others, he mentions it and I keep that secret. I always check with him if its ok to confide certain things to certain members of my family before I do. And I never, ever talk about arguments or disagreements that we have. Family are biased like that and long after I forgive him for something it would be remembered by my mother so I just dont.

Another thing I dont discuss is our sex life. The nearest I have came to that is when trying for a baby and with prior permission from him, discussed it with my sister (but the actual specifics of the "deed" were not discussed, just things like my cycle, or whatever)

So, set your boundaries for your GF, of what you are comfortable saying, she has to respect your privacy. They are her family, not yours.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Yeah, there really are two sides of the coin to this.

I don't REALLY mind her telling stuff to her sister etc., it's more how they perceive me is more important. As one of you said, if there are talks of a disagreement the bias will always be towards the family member. She says that their opinion of me doesn't matter as it wouldn't change her opinion of me. She's like that with a lot of things with her family, she will take her own path. The thing is, their opinion of me matters to me. Seeing as the relationship is getting quite serious (we have discussed marriage etc.) it's not beyond the bounds of possibility that these people could be in my close circle of friends and family for potentially decades. I think the fact that she doesn't feel their opinion matters results in her being very open about what she discusses with them.

Once we had a very minor squabble (thankfully we argue only very rarely and even then it's minor) and I later found out that she asked her sister her opinion on the whole thing. Now, I wouldn't care if she discussed it with one of her friends but her sister is both a friend and one of her family.

I think I just need to tell her what I have said in the last two paragraphs, particularly the piece where I said that even though their opinion of me doesn't matter to her, it matters to me.

Neyite

Deffo nix the arguments issue. If you have no problem with her taking it over with a friend but just not with her sister then thats fair enough, and you should tell her.

I know my sister used to go running to Mam every time her and her hubby had a row and Mam does refer to it from time to time - eg. "oh, John never liked X, remember that time they had that big fight about it..." so when I started going out with himself, I vowed never to make that mistake.

I would suggest you pick one previous argument you had where she was not painted in a good light /was in the wrong, then calmly ask her if she would have been happy with you telling your mother, father, siblings about your side of the row and her bad behaviour. Would she not feel awkward going to your parents house knowing that they know she behaved badly towards you?

If their opinon of you on an issue does not matter, and that it wouldnt change her opinion of you, why bother saying it in the first place? The fact is that she is saying what she says to get their opinion and therefore it does in fact matter what they say, and she will be influenced by their opinion.

wexfordgent

I do not believe private things between a couple should be discussed with sisters and family. I've lived with that for 20 years. It just took a while to find out my wife is running back to the "family" with everything. She in not told anything that I can't trust her with anymore. The family will always side with her, whether she is right or wrong. It started like that for me too. Small things first and just got progressive how much they are being told. Its a grey area I suppose. Its up to you.

And as what has been said before, I don't think its normal to tell sisters everything. I don't run to tell my parents and brothers every story about my wife. If I did they would have been at me years ago to leave.

pimbeche

Hello,

I think it really depends on how her family are . I would be very close to my mother and would discuss everything with her ,everything - wether it be an issue with a BF , an arguement we've had etc. She is the only person I can fully trust to give me proper advice , she is not bias at all and will if necessary tell me when im in the wrong.

Somtimes its nice to have someone to turn to and depending on how her sister is handling these discussions , i dont see anything wrong with her sharing with her .

I dont think the family ot the sister would see you differently at all having been told these things by your GF , but then like I said it depends on how they are ...

LegacyUser

pimbeche wrote: »

Hello,

I think it really depends on how her family are . I would be very close to my mother and would discuss everything with her ,everything - wether it be an issue with a BF , an arguement we've had etc. She is the only person I can fully trust to give me proper advice , she is not bias at all and will if necessary tell me when im in the wrong.

Somtimes its nice to have someone to turn to and depending on how her sister is handling these discussions , i dont see anything wrong with her sharing with her .

I dont think the family ot the sister would see you differently at all having been told these things by your GF , but then like I said it depends on how they are ...

This would be a dealbreaker for me. OP, whatever about her talking to her sister about girlie stuff [rows should never be discussed, ever], if she is talking to other members of her family such as her mother, I think this is completely disrespectful to you and your relationship. As far as I'm concerned, the days of consulting mothers about stuff like this end when you mature enough to enter a long term serious relationship. You are on your own and need to be able to make your own decisions at that point.

Consulting one's mother is totally unfair to your partner. How would she feel if the tables her reversed and you started telling YOUR mother every detail of your relationship? Would she feel it is okay to be painted in a bad light following a row in which she was in the wrong? I think it's extremely naive to believe that parents won't form judgements based on arguments; it is not fair to the partner.

pimbeche

^^^^^^^^^^^

If you go by that then any discussion to anyone involving your OH is disrespectful.

Are you saying its ok if its a friend or maybe a sister but not a parent ?

Its the same whoever you talk to relationship issues about , the fact is you are discussing another person.

Its impossible not to seek advice at some point or another , and I dont think theres anything wrong with that regardless of who you trust to seek advice from.

Also , you say this would be a dealbreaker for you , what makes you think you would know about it ?

Shoe Lover

Like the others, I think it depends on what she is saying to her sister and if her sister is then going to use it to "throw back in your face". Myself and my sister are very close and would regularly talk about our relationships. There are some things that we wouldn't discuss as in what happens in the bedroom. It's mostly if there are fustrations like "he won't put on the washing machine" or the like. Sometimes we discuss deeper things but then the other would usually say "That is something that you need to discuss with him". And if we did say something to each other, it would never ever be repeated to anyone!

Schnooks

Without wanting to upset anyone, there is a certain type of IRISH woman who places too much importance in the opinions of their mothers and sisters. I put IRISH in blocks as I have never seen this in any other culture, and I have lived in a few countries.

Basically I have seen Mammys and frustrated (usually) older (and usually single) sisters ruin relationships for their female siblings, and it often goes back to the younger girl running everything by the "bosses" and looking for their approval.

OP I would be very wary here and would be requesting my OH not to be running back to her family with every little story - that smacks of serious immaturity, or the aforementioned IRISH disease of constantly looking for approval from their family. Set out a few ground rules about what is private and what is not i.e some stuff is just meant to between yourselves and she needs to be told this.

SOME Irish women really need to grow up, even though alot of them are in their 40s and 50s they are still hanging off Mammy and their sisters and always looking for their approval!

Just my opinion, sorry if I offended anyone.

Maple

wexfordgent wrote: »

Well said. I have had this carry on for 20 years at this stage. It will eventually get to you knowing "sistas" know absoloutly everything. They only thing is though, they won't tell their own family anything that proves that they are totally wrong. And I do know , I'm living that life.

wexfordgent, please stop trying to derail this thread by talking about your own issues.

Maple

Bottle_of_Smoke

Ugh. I think there's a real type of person who does this. Unfortunately they don't change ime. I have certain really close mates who I jsut don't tell certain things because I know they wouldn't see anything wrong with telling other people.


I'd be aware of stuff getting back to the sister and that never changing. Even if she promises to keep it secret - there's a good chance that will probably just mean her sister promising not to tell you.