Emotionally unavailable girlfriend

LegacyUser

Hi, I am a long time poster on boards but didnt want to be signed in for this one.

My OH is an emotionally unavailable woman. She won't talk about anything personal, she can't say I love you, saying thank you even is a problem, saying thank you is too intimate, too one on one if that makes sense.

She won't share her bed and needs nobody.

She has always been like this and I know her a very long time but recently two events have made me realise that I need to change my ways.

Firstly she has had a dream to do a thing since she was a kid and I arranged it for her, her response was zero, no thanks, no happiness, no brownie points, she just took it and moved on. She has always been like this.

Secondly we found out on Saturday that she is pregnant and while apprehensive I can't stop smiling, so happy.

She, on the other hand she won't talk about it, won't answer if she is happy and says its all my fault (everything she encounters is somebody's fault) and she will deal with in her own way and won't be discussing it any more.

We have been together a long time and I have no intention of leaving her, I am looking for advice on how to handle her better and maybe manage it better. I still lose the rag when she shuts me out or when I make an effort to do something for her and she won't even acknowledge it and that leads into a row. I should know better by now but it's hard not to react.

She finds the physical side of things very difficult and her way of initiating sex is to pull my hair or to land in my lap facing away, she looks at the ceiling when she kisses and never is affectionate. She has sex to get off (no foreplay) but she is incapable of basking in any afterglow.

Showing emotion is a sign of weakness, empathy is non existent and she has no close friends other then me and her family, most of whom seem the same way.

Any advice ?

Thanks

curlzy

Not being sarcastic OP but why are you with her? It certainly doesn't sound like any relationship I've ever heard of. Couples councelling could help but it certainly doesn't sound like she'd go.

Neyite

I understand that you are happy about the baby, but does the baby deserve a cold unfeeling mother like that? Will the baby get the blame for all her woes that she currently lays the blame elsewhere?

She does not even sound like someone who would cuddle and comfort a crying infant, and I am asking you to look at this objectively - I know you love her, but would she be capable of being cruel to the child?

Think seriously about this. A baby deserves to be born into a family that can show love, affection, kindness, happiness, and security. While a single parent can easily provide this, any effort on one parents part to provide for the emotional needs of a child will be cancelled out by the other parent if they are indifferent and uncaring.

IrishEyes19

woah, why is everyone saying this woman isnt fit to have a baby or for the OP to leave her. The OP has said that wont happen and second she sounds like she has issues that arent that she is cold or cruel. I agree with sunflower, Im not diagnosing but she needs help or counselling. She doesnt sound a like a bad woman so people shouldnt judge her that way.

cold and uncaring...we dont know that this woman is cold or uncaring, what we do know is she cant express it, that doesnt mean she isnt capable of love. What terrible assumptions to make.

OP, I would suggest therapy or help. A baby is a wonderful step to take but its going to be very tough also. best of luck

Miss Fluff

You need to urge your OH to go to a GP and get a referral for psychiatric assessment. Hormonal changes in pregnancy can exascerbate some psychiatric disorders and I think it's important that both she and your unborn baby have the best care possible at this time. There are a whole host of conditions that would match her list of symptoms but only a professional can advise on the best course of action at this time. Her lack of empathy is worrying and that is one of the core issues that needs to be addressed as a matter of urgency if you are bringing a little baby into the equation.

BarackPyjama

Emotionally unavailable, lacking empathy, etc. aren't good signs at all.

Again, not wanting to diagnose, but it could well be a personality disorder of some type. Was she sexually, emotionally or psychologically abused as a child do you know? Was her own mother a fit mother?

Regardless, she definitely needs professional help before this baby is born. A woman incapable of affecting proper love and nurturing for a child will simply repeat the pattern in the child. If the child isn't properly cared for by his/her primary caregiver in the first year or so of their life, well, that's where personality disorders, particularly borderline and narcissism, come from when the child reaches adulthood.

Get help, quick, before the child is born.

Tandey

OP your situation is very similar to what i went through with a particular ex. She was the exact same. Didn't show affection, very insecure, always blamed someone else for her own wrong-doings, was very clingy(didn't have many friends) but yet liked her own space also she didn't want to share her bed for ages. It's very difficult to continue a relationship when your girlfriend can't show you love and gratitude.

As previous posters have said it could be a personality disorder but in my case the girl i was with was raped years ago by her ex. She however, was able to tell me that very personal incident a few weeks after we had met. She is a beautiful looking girl that you wouldn't ever think has the serious issues that she has. It was very difficult when you fall in love with someone to see her not respond to the love you give her. However she did show some love in other ways but it just wasn't enough

Its impossible to stay with someone who can't even say thank you for giving her nice expensive gifts or for driving 40 miles every weekend just to be with her. Of course I tried talking to her many times, telling her she needs help and to go talk to someone about it but she just wouldn't listen. She wrecked my head tbh I always felt really frustrated with her lack of empathy. I guess she just had issues that when i told her about she denied things as if she was the perfect woman, so when she wouldn't go see someone about it I just had to leave her for my own good. OP I don't know how you do it tbh!

As has been said you really should try get her to go to her gp about this or talk to a counselor if its something to do with her past. Congrats on the news of the baby, i really hope that her having a child will help her find affection and find her emotional side, Good Luck.

Fentdog84

I know you are excited about the kid and all that but if i were you i would be asking some serious questions about the validity of your relationship with her. If you're happy you're happy but I do think you need to watch your back here, for your own sake. Whether it be a psychological disorder or not, this girl who is having your kid has never said or demonstrated that she loves you, never shows you affection, treats you like some sort of trashbag around the place...for all you know you could just be a walking spermbank to her and she could drop you fast when she has got what she wanted. I could have all that totally wrong but Im just going on the info you've given, something bear in mind. But yeah, if you think its some psychological thing, see if you can get her to a gp, or otherwise you may just have to accept her as she is.

fragolina88

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You need to urge your OH to go to a GP and get a referral for psychiatric assessment. Hormonal changes in pregnancy can exascerbate some psychiatric disorders and I think it's important that both she and your unborn baby have the best care possible at this time. There are a whole host of conditions that would match her list of symptoms but only a professional can advise on the best course of action at this time. Her lack of empathy is worrying and that is one of the core issues that needs to be addressed as a matter of urgency if you are bringing a little baby into the equation.

That is a very good point. Also this is the time you can determine how severe her mental state is. Do not be surprised if her mood changes to good or more positive. If she starts to become happier and more content this is an indication that there is a psychiatric condition. A lot of women who were diagnosed with a mental illness have confessed that the only time they felt balanced was when they were pregnant. Because of changing hormones it is natural for psychologically healthy pregnant women to have mood swings. But if her behaviour is over elated that is something to be concerned over. She is not like that now but you still need to pay careful attention to her moods BOTH negative and positive.

I do not think she has Aspergers she sounds like she may be suffering from anhedonia or possibly schizoid personality disorder. But please do not take my word as I cannot assess her through your written post! But considering her current behaviour, your partner is at higher risk of developing post partum depression or even worse post partum psychosis. Early treatment and prevention is necessary because this WILL exacerbate her current mental condition.

If you are having problems speaking with her I would suggest an intervention with a social worker. If she is not compliant you can even do it through a court order. I am not sure about the laws in ROI. Since she is pregnant she can pose a risk to the unborn child and the court can order her for psychiatric treatment. I work in the mental health field, if you have further questions you can PM me.

Taltos

Any more layman's diagnoses and we will close this thread as well as infract the poster. Such posts are clearly in breach of our charter.

Taltos