HIV and destined to be single

thechosen

Im 26 and was diagnosed hiv+ about 2 years ago and since than i haven't had a relationship with other guys. i used to be great at meeting people and going on dates etc. but since being diagnosed i shy away when meeting people. only my family know about my hiv. when im out in social settings i find that people are always trying to fix me up with somebody else, but i always end up saying that they not my type. i think im just afraid that ill meet someone i really like but once they find out im hiv they will run a mile so i dont let things get that far. i dont really know why i started this post now, i suppose im hoping to find someone out there that will understand or accept me and my hiv. it would be great to meet another hiv guy and live happily ever after but somehow i dont think that will happen. i fear growing old and being sad and alone. help!

Hamhide

wow..that must be really tough.I had my own scare a month ago,I was convinced I had it but it was just a tummy virus thing luckly but not a day goes by I dont think I have it either,maybe something went wrong,it was the wrong doctors file or something like that.scary stuff.I wish I could say i know some poss people in a relationship but I really dont,theres chatrooms and stuff you could maybe find some people.I know theres a poss men's group that meet in outhouse every week or so you could check out.Hang in there xx

Conor30

thechosen wrote: »

Im 26 and was diagnosed hiv+ about 2 years ago and since than i haven't had a relationship with other guys. i used to be great at meeting people and going on dates etc. but since being diagnosed i shy away when meeting people. only my family know about my hiv. when im out in social settings i find that people are always trying to fix me up with somebody else, but i always end up saying that they not my type. i think im just afraid that ill meet someone i really like but once they find out im hiv they will run a mile so i dont let things get that far. i dont really know why i started this post now, i suppose im hoping to find someone out there that will understand or accept me and my hiv. it would be great to meet another hiv guy and live happily ever after but somehow i dont think that will happen. i fear growing old and being sad and alone. help!

Well I'm not HIV+ but I wouldn't write someone off just because they were HIV +. If it were someone I really liked, then I wouldn't let it get in the way. With very careful & safe practices, it should be OK.

Do you have any idea how you got it? If that's too personal a question, feel free not to answer it.

Oddjob

Conor30 wrote: »

Well I'm not HIV+ but I wouldn't write someone off just because they were HIV +. If it were someone I really liked, then I wouldn't let it get in the way. With very careful & safe practices, it should be OK.

Do you have any idea how you got it? If that's too personal a question, feel free not to answer it.

Are you joking?

Conor30

Oddjob wrote: »

Are you joking?

No, why? Who would make a joke in such a thread anyway? Judging by some of your past posts, you might be the very sort to do just that.

WhosUpDocs

Oddjob wrote: »

Are you joking?

There's more than one way to get HIV oddjob... Bear that in mind.

Shakti

thechosen wrote: »

i suppose im hoping to find someone out there that will understand or accept me and my hiv. it would be great to meet another hiv guy and live happily ever after but somehow i dont think that will happen. i fear growing old and being sad and alone. help!

I think its entirely possible and probable given that your only 26 that you will find a partner, someone who is right for you and love you for who you are and accept all that comes with that. Living with a life-long illness or disability is challenging to say the least but thousands of people like and not unlike yourself do just that maybe you'll run into one of them one of these days in all likelihood you pass them on the street everyday.

Hamhide

Micheal and Ben-queer as folk, nuff said

wonderfulname

Maybe you could start by taking the HIV issue out of the equation by going to social gatherings or events geared towards HIV+ people? Then you could ease back into socialising etc. plus I think it might be beneficial for your own perception of yourself. I know we're not the best at this kind of stuff here but there is Open Heart House, they provide a space to hang out with other HIV+ people as well as events and stuff to go to. It might be good to meet other people who actually get what you're going through.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
There is a lot of stigma surrounding HIV. People view it as some sort of plague when in fact it is now a manageable illness.
If you want a relationship you have to put yourself out there. if you meet someone you really like then why not pursue it and if he decides he cannot handle the HIV issue then fair enough move on. At least you tried but if you get 100 rejections and 1 person is willing to stick with you and love you is it not worth all that trouble.
Best of luck,
Ciaran

Bottle_of_Smoke

Why_not_try wrote: »

Hi OP,
There is a lot of stigma surrounding HIV. People view it as some sort of plague when in fact it is now a manageable illness.
If you want a relationship you have to put yourself out there. if you meet someone you really like then why not pursue it and if he decides he cannot handle the HIV issue then fair enough move on. At least you tried but if you get 100 rejections and 1 person is willing to stick with you and love you is it not worth all that trouble.
Best of luck,
Ciaran

Its a managable illness but don't patronise the guy. It requires meds for life, all meds have side effects. People say its becoming like a chronic condition like diabetes - well if diabetes was contagious people would soon change their tune on that one.

Meeting someone and pursuing it sounds like a recipe for disaster. Just end up messing people around. No one wants to fall for someone with very very likely change of rejection hanging over them

OP I'd say do what others have suggested and look to meet someone in a similar position, that's what I would do. You are certainly not alone so don't give up hope. Rates appear to be increasing all the time too. Be realistic but also try to remain positive. I'm sorry about that pun but I assure you it was not an attempt at humour. Optimistic just sounded off.

paddymorrison

A few months ago, I thought I might have caught HIV because of an unprotected encounter. I found an aussie web series called Queer as Fxxk http://www.youtube.com/user/QueerAsFxxk and I have learnt a lot about the virus from it. It's quite funny and some of the actors are quite hot, so I highly recommend it!

azezil

A friend of mine is HIV+ too, much like yourself for the first year or two he thought he'd never meet anyone, that he was going to be alone forever and then convinced himself he could only date other guys who were positive too.

But he moved passed all that now and I'm happy to say is in a steady relationship with a guy who doesn't have HIV does know he has it and they're quite happy together.

It's not the end of the world, there are many people out there who are very understanding you shouldn't shut yourself off from the world out of fear of rejection, hell you don't have to be HIV+ to have those fears, I'd imagine most people feel that way from time to time.

It's ok, it's natural don't fret it you'll be grand

Zephyr91

That sounds really tough thechosen - very sorry about that.

If I loved and cared for someone very much, I don't think I'd run away if I found out they were HIV+. Obviously safe sex would have to be had all the time, but other than that I can't see there really being much of a difference.

cafecolour

Well, typing "HIV dating" into google returns about 12-15 different dating sites for HIV+ people. You could start with those, though I'm not sure how well the coverage is in Ireland.

gaa131

thechosen wrote: »

Im 26 and was diagnosed hiv+ about 2 years ago and since than i haven't had a relationship with other guys. i used to be great at meeting people and going on dates etc. but since being diagnosed i shy away when meeting people. only my family know about my hiv. when im out in social settings i find that people are always trying to fix me up with somebody else, but i always end up saying that they not my type. i think im just afraid that ill meet someone i really like but once they find out im hiv they will run a mile so i dont let things get that far. i dont really know why i started this post now, i suppose im hoping to find someone out there that will understand or accept me and my hiv. it would be great to meet another hiv guy and live happily ever after but somehow i dont think that will happen. i fear growing old and being sad and alone. help!

Perhaps you need to refrain from pre-judging the reactions of others but you need to be prepared for the fact that some (not all) will not be comfortable with the fact and will, as you put it, run a mile. If they're that fickle then it's just as well!

I wonder have you accepted what must have been a fairly life altering revelation? I imagine that acceptance of this comes with time.

Personally it definitely wouldn't be a deal breaker if I met a decent, solid, worthwhile guy - sure, it would be a bit of a shock, but if I was into the person I'd work with it and do everything I could to support him. I imagine that most guys worth bothering about would have the same perspective.

Raghallaigh

Hey OP,

Just to let you know your not destined to be alone! I've got HIV+ friends who are in long and happy relationships!

LegacyUser

I'm in same boat as the OP. Age 30 and diagnosed 9 months now. My outlook is similar, so it is nice to see a few people here say otherwise. Maybe it does take time, but the difference between having it and not having it is huge. I remember chatting to a poz guy when I was clean, as soon as he told me I was gone (politely, i might add). And I still wouldn't blame any guy for running.

It's definitely on the rise. To meet other poz guys is quite difficult. Alot of em have it cos they love unprotected sex, and still do, and it's all they want. I've chatted to 2 other guys who were infected by the same guy as myself. There's a disgusted subculture to it, and I advise anyone to keep well away from it if tempted.

Conor30

sameboat12 wrote: »

I'm in same boat as the OP. Age 30 and diagnosed 9 months now. My outlook is similar, so it is nice to see a few people here say otherwise. Maybe it does take time, but the difference between having it and not having it is huge. I remember chatting to a poz guy when I was clean, as soon as he told me I was gone (politely, i might add). And I still wouldn't blame any guy for running.

It's definitely on the rise. To meet other poz guys is quite difficult. Alot of em have it cos they love unprotected sex, and still do, and it's all they want. I've chatted to 2 other guys who were infected by the same guy as myself. There's a disgusted subculture to it, and I advise anyone to keep well away from it if tempted.

Was it through unprotected sex that you got it? Don't answer if that's too personal.

floggg

Did the guy know at the time that he infected you and others that he was positive?

Does anybody know whether there is any specific criminal offence in Ireland for knowingly/recklessly infecting somebody else?

I'm not saying to criminalise positive people but I do think there should be some come back against people who put people's health at risk selfishly.

That said, there is nothing wrong with being positive in of itself, and would like to think I could be mature and confident enough to be able to maintain a relationship with somebody positive. I know it's easy to say that now, though obviously can't be sure how I would actually handle it if it happened.

LegacyUser

Yes, I got it through unprotected sex, so I carry full repsonsibility. You get asked much more personal questions face to face by the doctors, so nothing's too personal anymore:)

There's alot of guys who take the chance and have unsafe sex now and again. It was my first time unsafe in 10 years of seeing guys, and i was chatting got the guy for months before I finally agred to it. Don't assume age is a barrier either. The guy that I got it off was in his early 20s. I remember sizing up the risks and those 2 things were a factor - first time and his age, and said to myself I'd never be that unlucky! I was. Needless to say it seems like silly logic now.

Yes, I'm sure the guy knew he had it, and no, he did not tell me. Quite the opposite in fact. Lie after lie he came out with (I've since learned). Ireland does not have any law against it as far as I'm aware. I asked the health professionals can anything be done about a serial offender like this and was told unfortunately no, though they do keep records. He can infect as many people as he likes with impunity. In the UK, you can be done for grevious bodily harm. I assume no one has taken a test case here, so that's why there is no legal precedent. Put it this way, I won't be going through the courts as I don't plan on telling the world I have HIV.

Conor30

sameboat12 wrote: »

Yes, I got it through unprotected sex, so I carry full repsonsibility. You get asked much more personal questions face to face by the doctors, so nothing's too personal anymore:)

There's alot of guys who take the chance and have unsafe sex now and again. It was my first time unsafe in 10 years of seeing guys, and i was chatting got the guy for months before I finally agred to it. Don't assume age is a barrier either. The guy that I got it off was in his early 20s. I remember sizing up the risks and those 2 things were a factor - first time and his age, and said to myself I'd never be that unlucky! I was. Needless to say it seems like silly logic now.

Yes, I'm sure the guy knew he had it, and no, he did not tell me. Quite the opposite in fact. Lie after lie he came out with (I've since learned). Ireland does not have any law against it as far as I'm aware. I asked the health professionals can anything be done about a serial offender like this and was told unfortunately no, though they do keep records. He can infect as many people as he likes with impunity. In the UK, you can be done for grevious bodily harm. I assume no one has taken a test case here, so that's why there is no legal precedent. Put it this way, I won't be going through the courts as I don't plan on telling the world I have HIV.

Sorry to hear that and I'm also amazed you were so unlucky for your first time. You seem to be dealing well with it all - fair play.

In the UK (and in some other countries) a number of people have been sent to prison for passing HIV on to their sexual partners, after failing to tell them they had HIV. In some countries you are legally required to disclose your HIV status to sexual partners. Maybe it should be considered in Ireland too?

It wouldn't scare me off if I met a guy, who turned out to be HIV+, if I truly liked him.

floggg

Sorry to hear that same boat, it does seem pretty unlucky but I guess you can never be too careful.

I guess it's a lesson to us all. We need to be wary of anybody who wants unprotected sex - you never know who else they have been with.

I can't believe somebody could be so selfish and careless. I guess getting angry about it won't do you any good.

Thankfully HIV medication has come a long way, and while it's still obviously a serious illness, it's manageable and you will hopefully have a long and happy life ahead of you.

LegacyUser

It wouldn't scare me off if I met a guy, who turned out to be HIV+, if I truly liked him

I don't doubt there are guys like that. Though when do I tell them? Tell them straight away and it's easy for them to leave it at that there and then, or wait a while till soemthing is built up....and it's all been based on a lie.

It just makes the whole thing so so much harder. Again, thanks to those who have offered stories of hope. It's nice to hear. Hopefully someone will see my story and realise the dangers of having unprotected sex with someone you can't completely trust.

baby and crumble

sameboat12 wrote: »

I don't doubt there are guys like that. Though when do I tell them? Tell them straight away and it's easy for them to leave it at that there and then, or wait a while till soemthing is built up....and it's all been based on a lie.

It just makes the whole thing so so much harder. Again, thanks to those who have offered stories of hope. It's nice to hear. Hopefully someone will see my story and realise the dangers of having unprotected sex with someone you can't completely trust.

This bit of your post jumped out at me- it's very like what single parents on the dating scene say. How soon do you mention your kids? I think something like that is very personal, and if i were dating, i suppose i'd really only expect to hear about something like aid/hiv if we were getting to the sexual intimacy stage.

Conor30

sameboat12 wrote: »

I don't doubt there are guys like that. Though when do I tell them? Tell them straight away and it's easy for them to leave it at that there and then, or wait a while till soemthing is built up....and it's all been based on a lie.

It just makes the whole thing so so much harder. Again, thanks to those who have offered stories of hope. It's nice to hear. Hopefully someone will see my story and realise the dangers of having unprotected sex with someone you can't completely trust.

I'd suggest you wait till the second or third date to tell them. If you were newly chatting me up, you could tell me to my face and it wouldn't put me off about meeting you again etc, but that's just me (I'd be very impressed with your openness and honestly). For most guys, I'd wait till the 2nd or 3rd date, if I were you.

Liberal Irishman

Hi, I'd like to think that ANY partner, in ANY relationship, would treat the other person with the same respect and consideration as they would like to receive themselves. Do unto others...

Sounds a bit religiony but I really believe it's just about treating other people with a bit of humanity.

And yes, sorry to say it but THROW THE BASTARDS IN JAIL!!!

Annasopra

Liberal Irishman wrote: »

And yes, sorry to say it but THROW THE BASTARDS IN JAIL!!!

Not exactly liberal......

Conor30

mango salsa wrote: »

Not exactly liberal......

If somebody maliciously, intentionally and knowingly infects others with HIV, something should be done about it. It's a crime in the UK, for example.

Liberal Irishman

mango salsa wrote: »

Not exactly liberal......

My idea of liberal is simply to 'live and let live'. I think it's important to recognize that 'everything' is not ok. In fact I think that MOST criminal behavior is unacceptable. I know that 'the law' isn't perfect (far from it), but it gives us a good basic guide of what is right and wrong.

Assault (whatever the weapon might be!), Rape, Pedophilia etc. should, I believe, be dealt with in the strongest possible terms!

Bottle_of_Smoke

I thought there was a case and a guy was convicted. African guy knowingly infected an Irish woman. Shocking if its not a crime

floggg

Indeed. I would have thought it would be covered by the offence of "causing serious harm" under the Non Fatal Offences Against the Person Act, 1997 (section 4).

It doesn't require evidence of an "assault" so intentionally or recklessly infecting a person through intercourse would likely fall within the section. Indeed, it seems deliberately drafted to cover such circumstances in comparison to the previous section which is drafted by reference to assaults only.

LegacyUser

This thread has gone very far off topic and can't be of much reassurance to the original poster by now. Please show some sensitivity and stick to the issue at hand.

Very briefly - ignoring the wrongs of outdated Irish criminal law, for a moment, I think its important to point out that this is 2012, not 1981, and that people with HIV who are on daily medication and who have an undetectable viral load, have been found by a long-running international scientific study to be up to 96% less likely to transmit HIV than people who have HIV and are not yet on medication (and that 96% is reduced even further again by having protected sex, obviously).

In fact, this discovery was judged to be the Number 1 Worldwide Medical Breakthrough of 2011 by the medical journal "Science". So it is a big deal. You can read about it in numerous places, including here:

http://www.cbc.ca/news/health/story/2011/12/22/hiv-arv-study-breathrough.html

This is not to encourage unsafe sex (of course not), it is simply to make the wider readership of this thread understand a little bit more clearly about where medical science has gone in the last number of years, and hopefully to encourage people on consider the actual risk of having sex with a medicated HIV+ person in this day and age.

To the original poster:

There are private therapists that you can go to help you to do deal with your emotions on this issue, and to get the support and reassurance that you need. What you are feeling and thinking right now is all very typical, and I urge you to take heart from the feedback from people on here when they tell you that being told such news wouldn't hold them back from committing to a loving relationship with you. Obviously there is a balance to be struck in when you would tell somebody private information about your health (or family life or whatever), but I don't agree that its on the first couple of dates.

Does a straight woman tell a straight man that she cannot have children on the first date? I think not. When things are thinking of moving to the bedroom, then that's probably more appropriate. Especially if you have taken it slowly, and feel like the guy is interested in you for who you are, not for what's beneath your clothing.

harveyk

http://web.mit.edu/newsoffice/2011/antiviral-0810.html

This sounds promising. They seem to be suffering from a lack of funding though.

I am very cynical about these things and wonder if it's because there is more profit to be made in treating viruses than there is in actually curing them.

Anyway, where there's life, there's hope!

Keep your chin up!

Aurongroove

Sorry OP (and sameboat)
I'm probably being selfish if I say your post was eye widening to read. Wither or not your posts (and your stories in general) are valuable for everybody on the thread to read is probably of little consequence to your day to day lives, but all the same big thank you for posts; they definitely are very valuable reading.

here's hoping you guys look after yourselves. I can at least offer (with personal experience) that big shocks and health scares can often set up our biggest personal challenges and thus, highest achievements.