Here how do i get rid of a body?

Jude_2010

Listen lads
im in a bit of a predicament here.
Right Sunday evening me and the lads went out for a 'quiet one' and we met up with these Russian burds .. they were claaaaaaass
So one of me mates thought it'd be gas if we got some 'E' and you know finish off with a bang
So we met up with a local dealer 'Deco III' he was bang on, a bit cross-eyed but none-the-less a top bloke .. graduated from Oxford too he said.
With that done we headed to a hotel and you know yer self
Right the following morning i woke up and me mates were all in bits after the night mickys hanging left, right and center. So i went in to the burds you know, to check on them and what do i ****ing see? one of them hanging out the bleeding window no knickers on or anything, the lil sluh!
So right here's where the dilemma comes in I went into the jacks for a dirty owl ****e cause i'll tell ya something for nothing them Russians are ****ing unreal! so there i was about to unload the goods and what to i see me mate K.O'd after a pint .. a ****ing pint .. the weakling ha!
But that's not it Russian burd number 2 was on the floor with him . the **** think her name was Rasputin of some ****e like that and mahn she was far from El Locko.. id say we met her dead in the bleeding hotel and were too off our faces to notice . so what am i gonna do like I've a dead body in the hotel and im sitting here typing this in the nip!
Cant go home to mammy she'd kill me if i bring any burds back, let alone a dead Russian one, giz a few suggestions here...

Tomo out!

would have been a cool story dude but this gave ya away

So one of me mates thought it'd be gas if we got some 'E' and you know finish off with a bang

Jarren

My head hurts...

voz es

i find it ironic ur user name has Jude in it.

Jude_2010

Deleted User wrote: »

would have been a cool story dude but this gave ya away

Ah now

syklops

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HAQ3pNHwj4

admiralofthefleet

you've seen too many episodes of love/hate sunshine

Jude_2010

voz es wrote: »

i find it ironic ur user name has Jude in it.

Thats what the Guards know me as

force eleven

I occasionally dip into AH to make sure standards are being kept up. Glad to report everything is tip top this morning....

Nforce

Hey Jude, don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Hey Jude, don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
Na na na, na na, na na na na

Hey Jude, don't let me down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin
You're waiting for someone to perform with
And don't you know that it's just you? Hey Jude, you'll do
The movement you need is on your shoulder
Na na na, na na, na na na na, yeah

Hey Jude, don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better
Better, better, better, better, better, oh!

Na na na, na-na na na
Na-na na na, hey Jude
Na na na, na-na na na
Na-na na na, hey Jude

Na na na, na-na na na
Na-na na na, hey Jude
Na na na, na-na na na
Na-na na na, hey Jude

Na na na, na-na na na
Na-na na na, hey Jude
Na na na, na-na na na
Na-na na na, hey Jude

Reamer Fanny

Jude_2010 wrote: »

Listen lads
im in a bit of a predicament here.
Right Sunday evening me and the lads went out for a 'quiet one' and we met up with these Russian burds .. they were claaaaaaass
So one of me mates thought it'd be gas if we got some 'E' and you know finish off with a bang
So we met up with a local dealer 'Deco III' he was bang on, a bit cross-eyed but none-the-less a top bloke .. graduated from Oxford too he said.
With that done we headed to a hotel and you know yer self
Right the following morning i woke up and me mates were all in bits after the night mickys hanging left, right and center. So i went in to the burds you know, to check on them and what do i ****ing see? one of them hanging out the bleeding window no knickers on or anything, the lil sluh!
So right here's where the dilemma comes in I went into the jacks for a dirty owl ****e cause i'll tell ya something for nothing them Russians are ****ing unreal! so there i was about to unload the goods and what to i see me mate K.O'd after a pint .. a ****ing pint .. the weakling ha!
But that's not it Russian burd number 2 was on the floor with him . the **** think her name was Rasputin of some ****e like that and mahn she was far from El Locko.. id say we met her dead in the bleeding hotel and were too off our faces to notice . so what am i gonna do like I've a dead body in the hotel and im sitting here typing this in the nip!
Cant go home to mammy she'd kill me if i bring any burds back, let alone a dead Russian one, giz a few suggestions here...

Tomo out!

Paragraphs please I stopped at the part where you and your friends had your 'mickys out'

jonnyfingers

I had sex with a Russian girl at a party once. It was great. She didn't even wake up.

lempsipmax

First, be smart from the very beginning. Pulverize all teeth, burn off fingerprints, and disfigure the face. Forcing a DNA test to establish identity (if it ever comes to that) might introduce the legal/forensic hurdle that saves your ass down the line. An unidentifiable body can, in a pinch, be dressed in thrift store clothes and dropped in a bad part of town where the police are less likely to question it. I don't reommend that disposal method, I'm just saying an easily identifiable body is an even bigger threat than the opposite.

Assuming you have it inside a house where you can work on it a bit, the first thing you want to do is drain it of fluids. This will make it easier to cut up, and slow decomposition a little bit. The best way to do this quick and dirty is to perforate the body with a pointed knife, and then perform CPR on it. Cut the fronts of the thighs deep, diagonally, to slit the femoral arteries. Then pump the chest. The valves in the heart will still work when dead, and the springback of the ribcage can put apply a fair amount of suction to the artria. Do this in a tub. Plug the drain, and mingle lots of bleach with the bodily fluids before unplugging the drain to empty the tub. This should help control the stench of death, which would otherwise reek from your gutter gratings. Do everything you can to control odors. Plug in an ionizer, burn candles, leave bowls of baking soda everywhere. Ventilate the room in the middle of the night, but otherwise keep it closed. Keep the body under a plastic sheet while it's in the tub.

If you want to bury, I recommend seperating the body into several parts, and burying them seperately. For one thing, it's easier to dig a deep enough hole for a head than for an entire body. this reduces your chances of being discovered while you are actually outside and digging the grave.
That is the one thing you can't do inside the doors of your house, and represents a vulnerable moment you want to keep brief, under 2 hours. Do it between 3 and 5 am. It's also less likely for someone to call the police if their dog digs up some chunk of meat, than if they dig up an enitre body. They may assume it's an animal carcass disfigured by decomposition, and leave it alone or dispose of it. It's also more likely that the dog will consume all of it before anyone knows the difference. A whole skeleton is another story. You can cut a body into 6 pieces faster than you think. It's not much different than boning a chicken, but it takes more work, a big knife, and time. A hammer will be useful for pulverizing joints or driving the knife deep where it doesn't want to go. Anyway it's wise to crush as much of the skeleton as you can along the way. It will aid in making the body less identifiable for what it is as it decomposes.

Don't return to the same site 6 times for 6 burials.You'll attract suspicion from anyone nearby, and you'll wind up placing the body parts close enough together to be found by any serious investigation. Put them in plastic bags with lots of bleach, and store in a freezer until you have enough time to bury them all.

Depending on what tools you have available, you may find that you're get really good at deconstructing the body. You might prefer to slowly sprinkle it down a drain without leaving your house. This avoids the long-term risk of discovery associated with burial, and the overwhelming supply of bacteria in a sewer accellerates deconomposition, whil e providing a convenient cover smell.

Truly grinding down a body takes a lot more work, and you run the risk of fouling your plumbing and calling in a plumber. So don't try it unless you know how to clear bones and meat out of a drainpipe. A good food processor can be useful. But don't over-use it, or power drills or saws. They're noisy and they attract attention. And forget the kitchen sink. It's better if you actually remove one of the toilets in your house from its base, which will give you direct access to one of the largest sewer pipes that enters your house. Follow any disposals with lots of bleach and then run the water for 5 or 10 minutes on top of that. And plug that pipe when you're not using it, to prevent any sewer gasses from backing up into your house. Usually, a U-trap inside the toilet does that for you.

From here

OldGoat

Aww bollix, the AH quality filter seems to be broken again.

Dartz

Body disposal.

1: Buy a cheap car. Stick it in the boot. Crush to a cube.

2: Stuff it in a bog. Cut the throat, bind the hands and feet. call it archaeology.

3: Butcher, grind to beef. Have barbeque

4: Light aircraft. Weighted down bin bag. Kick out the door somewhere in the Irish sea.

Logical Fallacy

OldGoat wrote: »

Aww bollix, the AH quality filter seems to be broken again.

Remember when a bit of effort used to go into this kind of ****?

Now it's just typographical vomit.

the groutch

Ask the McCanns

44leto

A carving knife, a suitcase and a canal, simples. OOh wait didn't someone feck that up before.

So stick her in a box and post her back to the Kremlin, a parcel like that wont alarm anyone in that place.

The Snipe

Steal car
Place body in car boot
Drive to airport
Park in longterm parking
??????
Profit!

billymitchell

Ask on an internet forum.

Duggy747

Become Ed Gein and harvest that body.

You can make yourself quite the fetching jacket from her skin. Maybe some gloves and a lampshade. You'll also get a great mask for halloween, too.............or you could shrink it down and use it as a paper weight.

As for the bones, you can make furniture out of them. Remove the jaw from the skull, put it on backwards and, wayhey, you have yourself a soup bowl. Put the teeth in a jar and pour Coca Cola into it which will dissolve them over time.

To get rid of the organs, learn to make sausages / pudding / burgers and hold a BBQ.

It's how I really got rid of my pyscho housemate. :pac:

kincsem

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_js6Ecwn9hcM/TP0ivvExxOI/AAAAAAAADT4/-25lQryJlUw/s1600/Picture+2.png

danniemcq

Wrap body in chicken wire (a few times nice and tight.

tie off the ends so its not going to unravel (cable ties are best)

attach several weights to the wire the more you can add the better

Find body of water with fish (sea is best option)

Drop in body.

The chicken wire will keep chunks of the body together as they are eaten by fish/crabs etc and the weights will allow the body to stay down while the gasses make the body want to rise

cosmicfart

what film is this again? Skangerville Dreamland?

the purple tin

Sell it to that German weirdo that uses corpses for art.

Duggy747

the purple tin wrote: »

Sell it to that German weirdo that uses corpses for art.

That shìt is just nasty. I think I missed the memo on where a chunk of a woman's head could be used as a flower bowl is considered...........Awrt.

Galtee

After reading your post I'd bet it's a foreign body you're trying to get rid of.

uch

FaceKicker is that you ??

Jude_2010 wrote: »

Listen lads
im in a bit of a predicament here.
Right Sunday evening me and the lads went out for a 'quiet one' and we met up with these Russian burds .. they were claaaaaaass
So one of me mates thought it'd be gas if we got some 'E' and you know finish off with a bang
So we met up with a local dealer 'Deco III' he was bang on, a bit cross-eyed but none-the-less a top bloke .. graduated from Oxford too he said.
With that done we headed to a hotel and you know yer self
Right the following morning i woke up and me mates were all in bits after the night mickys hanging left, right and center. So i went in to the burds you know, to check on them and what do i ****ing see? one of them hanging out the bleeding window no knickers on or anything, the lil sluh!
So right here's where the dilemma comes in I went into the jacks for a dirty owl ****e cause i'll tell ya something for nothing them Russians are ****ing unreal! so there i was about to unload the goods and what to i see me mate K.O'd after a pint .. a ****ing pint .. the weakling ha!
But that's not it Russian burd number 2 was on the floor with him . the **** think her name was Rasputin of some ****e like that and mahn she was far from El Locko.. id say we met her dead in the bleeding hotel and were too off our faces to notice . so what am i gonna do like I've a dead body in the hotel and im sitting here typing this in the nip!
Cant go home to mammy she'd kill me if i bring any burds back, let alone a dead Russian one, giz a few suggestions here...

Tomo out!

TheZohanS

Jude_2010 wrote: »

Listen lads
im in a bit of a predicament here.
Right Sunday evening me and the lads went out for a 'quiet one' and we met up with these Russian burds .. they were claaaaaaass
So one of me mates thought it'd be gas if we got some 'E' and you know finish off with a bang
So we met up with a local dealer 'Deco III' he was bang on, a bit cross-eyed but none-the-less a top bloke .. graduated from Oxford too he said.
With that done we headed to a hotel and you know yer self
Right the following morning i woke up and me mates were all in bits after the night mickys hanging left, right and center. So i went in to the burds you know, to check on them and what do i ****ing see? one of them hanging out the bleeding window no knickers on or anything, the lil sluh!
So right here's where the dilemma comes in I went into the jacks for a dirty owl ****e cause i'll tell ya something for nothing them Russians are ****ing unreal! so there i was about to unload the goods and what to i see me mate K.O'd after a pint .. a ****ing pint .. the weakling ha!
But that's not it Russian burd number 2 was on the floor with him . the **** think her name was Rasputin of some ****e like that and mahn she was far from El Locko.. id say we met her dead in the bleeding hotel and were too off our faces to notice . so what am i gonna do like I've a dead body in the hotel and im sitting here typing this in the nip!
Cant go home to mammy she'd kill me if i bring any burds back, let alone a dead Russian one, giz a few suggestions here...

Tomo out!

Well this is awkward...

My suggestion is don't come to AH to troll...especially after you've posted your CV on boards...

Ellis Dee

Ask your local bishop what to do. Those guys are tops when it comes to covering things up.:):):)

Duggy747

TheZohan wrote: »

Well this is awkward...

My suggestion is don't come to AH to troll...especially after you've posted your CV on boards...

If a Terminator was looking for him he'd be dead already.

Son Of A Vidic

OP - I suspect the midwife must have been standing on a chair when she dropped you on your head. Just leave the script writing to the professionals

Dancor

Ellis Dee wrote: »

Ask your local bishop what to do. Those guys are tops when it comes to covering things up.:):):)

Yes, ask Zumo Bishop.

120_Minutes

Ask Siri.

Kasabian

AH is gone to fcuk.

--Kaiser--

Wasn't this the plot of a movie starring Christian Slater?*






*obviously in this case transcribed by a driveling imbecile

Wossack

TheZohan wrote: »

Well this is awkward...

My suggestion is don't come to AH to troll...especially after you've posted your CV on boards...

Hrm.. I know a Gard.. this could be worth a laugh

TheZohanS

Wossack wrote: »

Hrm.. I know a Gard.. this could be worth a laugh

Ringing his Principal might be worth a laugh too...

Nalz

7?

Yakult

TheZohan wrote: »

Well this is awkward...

My suggestion is don't come to AH to troll...especially after you've posted your CV on boards...

This could be fun!

brummytom

Awwwww, OP's only just turned 17. Bless.

Captain Darling

TheZohan wrote: »

Well this is awkward...

My suggestion is don't come to AH to troll...especially after you've posted your CV on boards...

Ohhh, thats rough.

Nice old Leaving Cert there, or was that the Junior Cert. Good communicator and quite the artiste!

You're hired!!

Feisar

Chop, blend, pour, bleach.

Rinse and repeat as necessary.

the groutch

Captain Darling wrote: »

Ohhh, thats rough.

Nice old Leaving Cert there, or was that the Junior Cert. Good communicator and quite the artiste!

You're hired!!

better than most of the plonkers Bill has to choose from

Jude_2010

TheZohan wrote: »

Well this is awkward...

My suggestion is don't come to AH to troll...especially after you've posted your CV on boards...

Hahahahahahahaha shiit :L
alright alright. look i had a free DCG class and our teacher let us on the computers and since all other sites are blocked at our school i decided to visit good old trust worthy Boards.ie for a bitta craic
So i decided to make this up .. there happy now
the body wasnt Russian.. thats all i'm gonnna say

Captain Darling

Jude_2010 wrote: »

Hahahahahahahaha shiit :L
alright alright. look i had a free DCG class and our teacher let us on the computers and since all other sites are blocked at our school i decided to visit good old trust worthy Boards.ie for a bitta craic
So i decided to make this up .. there happy now
the body wasnt Russian.. thats all i'm gonnna say

A body of lies?

Logical Fallacy

Jude_2010 wrote: »

Hahahahahahahaha shiit :L
alright alright. look i had a free DCG class and our teacher let us on the computers and since all other sites are blocked at our school i decided to visit good old trust worthy Boards.ie for a bitta craic
So i decided to make this up .. there happy now
the body wasnt Russian.. thats all i'm gonnna say

The worst thing about that CV is not one job you will apply to will care about those results.

It's a shame as you snatched some reasonable grades.