Can't get over ex

LegacyUser

Hi,
I'm sorry to post again but I'm really struggling with a breakup.
It happened in September but I'm finding it very hard.

I received an email back then to tell me she was breaking up with me. In all honesty I didn't believe it and was trying to make contact with her afterwards as I thought she'd at least speak to me about it or even if it was over, thought it was only fair to be given the chance to talk for closure.

But there has been almost no contact. She blocked emails, text, calls everything once she sent the email.

Not being given a chance to even know what its all about or anything is whats eating away at me.

Her friends have been pretty ruthless on facebook and insinuating I did some pretty awful things to her which just aren't true. Her Dad has been texting me a few times. Once he threatened to come and basically kick my ass. Another time he threatened to take her to the police to get a restraining order on me after he saw a facebook status update I posted on a night out. It was nothing to do with him or her but he seemed to lose it that I was just out enjoying a night out or something. I mean, he sent me threats, her and her friends have been disgustingly persistent and awful on facebook about me and he threatens a barring order on me just for not sitting at home crying to myself? Like they want to control what I do now?

I am 27 too so I just don't get her Dad getting involved, it's like we are 12 years old or something.

I haven't been in contact for months, I haven't been hassling her or anything, after it became apparent initially that she wasn't replying I just stopped and removed them all from my phone, facebook, etc...

We had been going out 2 years and she always came across like a very rational, mature person which is what I loved about her so this is why all this is more confusing for me.

I broke yesterday and sent a short email. Just a short one to ask if she had any interest in just working out our differences before I returned home for christmas but obviously got no reply.

I don't know. I'm just finding it hard. I want to move on but while I have good days, when I have bad ones, they get very bad. I hate being single again. I hate going out to bars. I just hate it all. It was only 2 years but it was the first relationship I ever had where it just seemed like we both were in it for the long haul and it was really going somewhere. Being 27 and single and going out to bars again, I just can't do it.

I thought about online dating but I just can't meet anyone normal on them.

I don't have a lot of friends and my family is very far away so its hard to keep my mind off things if I don't have a lot of other people to interact with.

I know myself from previous relationships that it doesn't get better over time on my own. The thoughts of what happened and why it all went like it did just get worse and worse over time until I can just move on and start meeting people again. But there is my problem. I feel I'm too old to be starting this from scratch again. I just don't have it in me and I don't know where I'd find someone I click with like that again who would like me too.

That's why I have some good days and I feel upbeat but then I might go out on a Saturday night, come home alone and just feel awful about myself for the next few days as it feels so hopeless and that's when I start thinking about her again and how good it would have been for it all to just have worked out.

I'm sorry that's so long. I just don't know how to get it together. I've even thought of trying to find someone to talk to, to sort my head out but I've had bad experiences with councellors in the past and I just don't know who or where to go to find someone to speak with, just to let my thoughts out or maybe be able to offer advice.

Thanks for reading, I appreciate it.

LegacyUser

Why in the world - after all that went down - would you want to get back with your ex?

She's obviously been spreading false rumours about you, getting her father involved.. why would you want to pursue a relationship with this immature girl again?

Block her, her friends, and her entire family on facebook right now and block her from your mind. She is not interested and if you continue to make contact she'll be spreading rumours that you are a stalker, etc.

You can't move on until you allow yourself to stop dwelling on the past.

LegacyUser

It's weird when parents get involved in a break up but you have to remember regardless of your previous relationship they are her parents and will take her side regardless of who was in the right or wrong.

If she has blocked you, you need to take the hint and leave her be, do NOT write back no matter how hard it is to restrain yourself, unfortunately relationships don't play out like you expect them to, and she is under no obligation to provide you with any reasons or excuses for her choices, she has made her choice and that is that.

As for the threats i would not accept that behavior. especially if they are still coming your way 4 months later.

its easier said then done, but you need to ignore all her friends and family stop looking at their facebook pages and separate yourself from them as much as possible delete any texts..etc, try not to over analyse the past otherwise it will just keep repeating itself, to change you need to look forward.

as for being single at 27, i wouldn't worry so much, my friend is 31 and has only just got into his first long term relationship, you say you hate going to bars, don't go to bars, just live your life doing what you love and do whatever it takes to make yourself happy. its sounds like silly generic advice, but i've seen it work for so many of my friends,

if you are happy with your life the rest will follow.

LegacyUser

I can relate to most of what you're saying, even the dad stuff. The only 'comfort' i was able to take was...if she didn't, in some way, care that the relationship was ending, or if she didn't think other people would care at least, she wouldn't need to be going around lying about it and making you sound worse than you were. So that's basically the same thing my ex did, and i can only presume (because up to that point she was the most mature person you could meet) that it was her weird way of coping, and once it didn't cross the line into slander, it was a 'nice thing to do' to just put up with it (or ignore it, anyway).

Now whatever about that, i can really relate to your thoughts on starting from scratch on the dating scene. For months after i broke up, the thoughts of having to do certain activities just to meet someone (drinking, dancing and all that (yeah drinking, ya heard me!)), filled me with a true sense of dread.

All i'll say to ya about that is, your motivations change once you meet someone else who'll make you want to push yourself. Or, if not someone, something...e.g. a new outlook or lifestyle. And once that happens, you'll start to realise how much you developed during your last relationship and how much you've grown for the better. Kind of like, one step back, one big giant stride forward. I know that's very vague, but the same thing's happened to me after every break up, and then during this one i thought "ok this one's different, there ain't no light at the end of..." bam, stride forward.

What do you mean by this:

I know myself from previous relationships that it doesn't get better over time on my own

I don't know whether getting back with her or not's a good idea, but i'd wager that getting out of the rut you're in would be a step towards the option of it.

(delete her and all of her friends off of facebook, it's a major hindrance)

Neyite

tempusahname wrote: »

I can relate to most of what you're saying, even the dad stuff. The only 'comfort' i was able to take was...if she didn't, in some way, care that the relationship was ending, or if she didn't think other people would care at least, she wouldn't need to be going around lying about it and making you sound worse than you were.

Y'see, I would disagree with this entirely - both in your situation and in the OP's.

Some people love to big themselves up when they dump their partner - to the extent of making their parents and friends really angry with the dumpee. Like seriously - how much horrible lies do you have to tell for a father to threaten a barring order and abuse on facebook from friends? Certainly my parents were indifferent to any of their offsprings breakups until we were being treated badly in the process. Ditto with friends.

Its just attention seeking, and nothing about their residual feelings for you. They dont want to be the bad guy for dumping the "nice" partner, so they make up crap to get sympathy, and attention. One of my exes always had crazy irrational stalker exes when I started going out with him, and I soon realised that he would (and did) make up crap the same crap about me after we broke up to make himself look better.

OP, your ex is an attention seeker - even if she wanted to clear the air (which she doesnt, far too much attention this way) she cant without making herself look like either a liar or a pushover to her friends and family. She has lied both of you into a corner and you just need to walk away.

Delete all contacts and move on.

LegacyUser

Thanks,
I understand the points all of you have made but I don't know what else to do for myself.

I think I'm an ok guy but obviously it was not good enough as a boyfriend and I'm not very good looking or out going to be able to meet someone else in the future so I did't have any other options other than trying to keep that relationship going while we were together. I was just hoping it would work out while we were together. Now we are not and it is hopeless.

I understand when people say "move on" in general but it's not gonna work for me, I have no means of ever meeting someone else.

LegacyUser

Listen man,
You have all the means to meet someone else. You met "her" didn't you? What is different now!
I know how you feel and I've been there. You'll just have to suffer this hurt for know and then it will pass. I know that it doesn't seem like it and no matter how many times your told you won't believe it but trust me, its true.

You'll then be able to move on and meet someone else. From the sounds of it you may lack some self esteem, Im the same. Im trying to set myself a goal of running a marathon in 6 months time. I believe that if I accomplish that I will have built on my self worth.
You should try and do something similar, i.e. set a goal for yourself and achieve it!

All the best, you'll get through it believe me. The darkest night preceeds the brightest dawn my friend!!

floorpie

Hrm, that's not a type of attitude that'll help with keeping a girl once you have one...

You got with her didn't you, you obviously have the means/ability to get with someone

LegacyUser

Again, I do understand what is being said and it makes sense.

But the part I just don't get is to "work on myself". I mean yes, my self esteem is rock bottom from this, I get that. But who comes out of a relationship and has all these nasty things posted online for all to see and shouts "Hurray!". It's not nice and its hurtful.

I'm not broken or there's nothing wrong with me as such. But it's a hole which has been put in my life and I just want to find a way to patch it up again, as such. I do have a lot of other things going on in my life and keep myself quite busy but it's just this area.

I don't really see why that's such a bad thing? There's one thing getting me down, I'm trying to work on THAT. Covering it over with something else isn't really helping me get past this very much.

Flange/Flanders

lad, why would you want to get back with someone as toxic as her, fair enough she might have fallen out of love with you, it happens everyone and she seems to have acted in some way right in breakin contact, but this carry on with her friends and family, she sounds like a right twat. My friends would never carry on with that bs nor would they be my friends if they did.
Listen, we all get broken hearted at some point in life, i myself was just a few months ago and it still hurt at times. But the way i am gettin through this is by working on myself, getting fitter, enjoying my own time, working on a career choice. It does get easier if you want in to. Believe me, you've got her, you can get someone else, all this Crap about 1 person in life is just to sell books and films. And think 2 much your looks, the 2 best lookin girls i know are going out with average guys who happen to be 2 guys who are confident in themselves and their life. Just try and live your life and be happy in yourself and an exceptional person who makes you infinitely happier Will come along, i promise it.

LegacyUser

Yes, its true, most of what has happened does seem vile.
But this is why none of it makes any sense. She was never like this, not even close. If met girls into all their dramas and facebook crap before and this is why I loved her, she just wasn't like that.
I don't understand the breakup, I mean we both had long term plans, everything seemed fine. I agree its sometimes best to break contact after a breakup but its just that in this case I just got an email to be told its over and no more, no explanation, no reason, I couldn't make contact to ask her what its all about and then her father threatens me by texts and all this mean lies put online. None of it is justified or true and if she at least spoke to me and then we left it I'd at least understand why all this is happening. But as it is I've just a million questions and I can't do anything about it.

I don't really have any friends here to talk to. My family don't understand, they only met her once when they came to visit and just say that she seemed nice and but just keep getting mad at me saying why does she even matter to you. I mean, I went from having some I got to see or talk to almost every day, think I was spending my future with her and now it's completely gone. Of course it matters but they didnt know her well so she's just nobody to them and they keep getting mad at me. I have nothing and nobody. Its just so hard to take when people say move on and all that. Thats all fine for people who can just go out and score at the weekend but people don't like me like that, I can't do it and now I'm just getting too old to be going out to pubs and chatting people up and being rejected.

I'm searching everywhere for something that can help me but I can't find anything. I can't get my mind off it or find out how to improve the situation or myself. I feel completely hopeless and alone and just don't see why any of this needed to happen or why it's been so spiteful and awful when there's no actual reason for it.

Flange/Flanders

you're 27! What are you on about being too old! I'm mid 20s also and have been rejected and dumped thousands of times but I've long came to realise that the main thing is just to enjoy the night and to enjoy life. If its so Crap being away or alone then change it, come home or if Thats not an option get out and join groups like sports clubs or go to a charity. I don't know why she broke up with you but what does it matter, she's broke up with you. The way i see it, you have 2 choices. Keep on moping to yourself or get out there, stop feeling sorry for yourself, move on and start feeling better in yourself. Neither of them are going to bring back your ex but which way would you like to live your life?

Vicxas

Mate, get yourself out. Get to the gym, head out with friends.... just do something. Thats whats wrong with you, you've too much time to fester on what went wrong. Its been 3 months. I think its time to start putting it all behind you. Chalk it down to experience and start to rebuild.

I dont seem to sound insensitive but ive been there and done that, and sometimes you need tough love.