Tight friend doing my head in

LegacyUser

Male 40s

I have good mate same age whos is honest decent etc but his tightness arond money is doing my head in. He does not want to spend money at all and won't have a credit card cos of the annual charges but wants to get stuff on mine. I did that a few times then said i do not have it any more. i do. In fairness he would pay me back the money immediately the thing bought with the card arrives, it is just this leaning on me that annoys me. Getting the thing on my charges Maybe it is me i do not like people using me and do not use others

If he sees a book he knows we both like he wuld be trying to get me to buy it so he could borrow. He says he has financial committments and cannot touch his savings but wants to borrow my stuff. Now i will not tell him if i buy a film as he will want to borrow it. his expectation or sense of entitlement ass umption i will lend it really annoys me.I never borrow and do not like lending my things, bit OCDish.

He is like he does not want to take responsibility and that is what annoys me most. Because he has financial committments i have to suffer. Well I have financial committments and have to run a car which he does not have, being too tight, on his admission. he says he has learned how to live frugally and seems to have but it seems to involve expecting others to supply things he is too tight to buy. Hehas as much money as me but because he cannot touch it expects to borow things from me

He will not send xmas cards/give gifts because "that only put the obligation on the receiver to send one back"

There are things i want but do not have but i do not ask to borrow them. If i need a tool for a DIY I buy it even though it might not be used again. it is starting to irritate me now, not so much the money aspect but the taken for granted i will lend it. The latest is my netbook cos he wants to go to a free wi fi. He does not have internet at home but has pc at home. I am not stuck for it but will not lend it cos he could have one as easy as me. That is what annoys me .i am not any better off than he is but i never ask to borrow anything from anyone. He is decent when out for a beer but i find this expectation really annoying so much so i did not ask if he wanted a beer today because it will come up again

Tightness with money does my head in especially when it comes to leeching off me.

ManOfMystery

Do not lend him anything. Problem solved.

I think we all know someone like that OP, I can certainly name 2 people off the top of my head who are just like this guy. And it is very frustrating dealing with people like this who want to use the money/goodwill/kindness of other money rather than spend their own €€€.

But the onus is on you not to give in to every demand they make.

Ickle Magoo

Just say no - problem solved. He's welcome to be as stingy as he wants but unless you cave in and facilitate that over-blown sense of entitlement then it isn't really going to affect you.

You have three options -

You can continue as is and keep letting it annoy you.

You can refuse to lend or share anything, refuse to celebrate birthdays or put any effort/money into him whatsoever and hope he gets the hint.

Or you can tell him it's really bugging you and why you won't be sharing anything and hope he cops onto how pathetically stingy he is and at least stops with the assumed sense of entitlement.

Your call - I think it really depends on how much you value the friendship and what he offers outside of this issue as to how deal with it.

All the best. :cool:

neuro-praxis

I'm sorry, but neither of you come off well here. I understand your annoyance, but it is your own tightness that means you don't want to lend a DVD to a friend.

I also hate meanness, but it can be catching.

ABajaninCork

neuro-praxis wrote: »

I'm sorry, but neither of you come off well here. I understand your annoyance, but it is your own tightness that means you don't want to lend a DVD to a friend.

I also hate meanness, but it can be catching.

So the OP is supposed to let his friend take advantage as it looks 'tight'? Is that what you're saying?? The OP has been lending stuff to his friend without complaint so far. He IS NOT the tight one here. His friend is!

I've been in this situation before, and decided I'd had enough of people extracting the urine, so I've had to put a stop to it. You can't allow people to take advantage

I too hate meaness, but I hate mickey-takers even more.

LegacyUser

neuro-praxis wrote: »

I'm sorry, but neither of you come off well here. I understand your annoyance, but it is your own tightness that means you don't want to lend a DVD to a friend.

I also hate meanness, but it can be catching.

itis not about the dvd but the principle. i hve lent many and bought many things on my card. point ishe csn get a card as easy as me but does not want the responsibility

floorpie

Yeah...some people seem to be so socially maladjusted (or selfish, i'm not sure), that if you give an inch, they'll take a mile. This is something i've wondered about for years, whether people like this are consciously taking advantage or if it just comes across that way. Just keep doing what you're doing and he'll get the message (i.e. limit what you give, if you feel you have to).

LegacyUser

floorpie wrote: »

Yeah...some people seem to be so socially maladjusted (or selfish, i'm not sure), that if you give an inch, they'll take a mile. This is something i've wondered about for years, whether people like this are consciously taking advantage or if it just comes across that way. Just keep doing what you're doing and he'll get the message (i.e. limit what you give, if you feel you have to).

That is one thing i do not know how conscious he is of it cos he is a good mate. but when i text to ask if he wants a beer if it is a no he will not bother replying - will not spend the text. i always reply even if it is to say no

he was recently complaing to me about a mutual friend who dumps his problems on us saying it was unfair. i think this constant expectation is unfair to me. i have no problem if he wants to be fugal but i should not have to come into it

Big Bag of Chips

Just stop lending him stuff.. he'll soon find someone else to borrow off. You won't change him, by refusing to lend him things he won't suddenly start buying things for himself, or get his own card... instead he'll just get things from elsewhere.

Although the fact that he will continue to do it, just with someone else's stuff will annoy you almost as much as him using your stuff!

You have to say no, and then not bother about what he does!

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

he won't suddenly start buying things for himself, or get his own card...

has found someone else with a card. still i feel bad putting this here as he is good mate except that

curlzy

Hey OP,

It's not his meanness, I think it's the fact you're being taken advantage of that's really annoying you. So as others have said just stop lending him things. I know a couple of people like that and sometimes they wind me up. I also have a friend that won't (because she'd end up in alot of debt) get a credit card but if she wants to use mine she always asks politely, pays immediately and thanks me so I don't feel like she's taking the pee. I would probably feel differently if she EXPECTED it though. I'd be considered generous by anyone's standards but when you get the feeling that people are taking you as a sap then it's really up to you to cut them off. Feels a bit weird saying no when you're used to saying yes but it does get easier. You can always follow the "no" with "get your own" if you want him to really get the point. "Borrowing" everything really is just leeching off other people instead of paying your own way so I can see how this is annoying to you.

Best of luck.

daisybelle2008

Frankly I think you need to put this in perspective and as you are not out of pocket with all of this, not sure why you are making this a problem. As a poster above said he will just borrow stuff off someone else but you will still be getting p*ssed off with him and then yourself for being p*ssed off with him!

You are making this personal, he really has no 'constant expectation' on you, he is not 'taking advantage' of you, he is just unconciously being his frugal self.
I have frugal friends, but when the chips have been down they have been there with offers of cash & support when needed.

If 'stuff' is not important and he is a good friend, why can't you share unconditionally with him without resenting him? In the balance of things is his friendship not worth more than you getting resentful of a personaility trait that is part of him?

If you can't accept his behaviour, find new friends with traits that you accept. Friends usually see the good side accept us warts and all, that's whats cool about them.

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

It's not his meanness, I think it's the fact you're being taken advantage of that's really annoying you.

yes he can be mean as he likes so long as he does not expect me to lend things. but i should also say in fairness he is not mean out in a bar, sometimes i pay ansd sometimes he would. Also he would pay promptly for the use of my card. If it was 49 euro he would give me 50 and not want change and buy a drink too. It may well be he fears debt with a card but it annoys me that i have to be some way responsible. What if I end up in debt?

The thing is he has lots of financial comittments and i accept that but so have i. And I do not like lending things apart from the fact i might need it i am funny with my things bit OCD i think. But the point i am struggling to make is I accept my limitations and do not expect anyone to be put to inconvenience because of them. As I said if i need tools for DIY I buy even though i may not use them again

I told him how to get a card, it is only a prepaid one so he cannot get in debt, but he did not get it and went to another friend to get whatever on his card. But apart from that being annoying he is a good friend and decent so i feel kinda mean writing this.

he says he has learnt how to live cheap and that is fine with me but i think it is unfair to involve me. I have learned how to budget too but have not expected anyone to be responsible or involved in an indirect way. He has a t least as much as me, sorry if i repeated.

One more thing Once i was buying a new TV and new stand. He had justgot new stand for his TV and instead of taking the old one to waste disposal wanted me to take it for my TV even though i had anew one. You see what i mean re not taking responsibility

Thanks for your feedback and the rest of you too

daisybelle2008

tootight wrote: »

And I do not like lending things apart from the fact i might need it i am funny with my things bit OCD i think. But the point i am struggling to make is I accept my limitations and do not expect anyone to be put to inconvenience because of them. As I said if i need tools for DIY I buy even though i may not use them again

But apart from that being annoying he is a good friend and decent so i feel kinda mean writing this.

I have learned how to budget too but have not expected anyone to be responsible or involved in an indirect way.
one more thing Once i was buying a new TV and new stand. He had justgot new stand for his TV and instead of taking the old one to waste disposal wanted me to take it for my TV even though i had anew one. You see what i mean re not taking responsibility

Thanks for your feedback and the rest of you too

In general friends share their stuff without costing a thought to all this. They do not see it as an inconvenience. You really appear to not be out of pocket in any of the examples here, in fact you are a few euros and a few pints up from the transactions.

I don't understand the TV stand thing, it looks like he wanted you to take his old one to save you the cost of a new one, no? Not sure the spin you have put on it. Offering friends old stuff instead of dumping it is deemed considerate in my circle! My tv stand is a friends parents cast off that I am grateful for as I had enough in the new tv expense.

The more you write about this the more you appear to be the one with the issue here. Maybe this obsessive OCD thing you have with your stuff is colouring your view of the situation.
There must be more to this, is there something else that could be prompting all this?

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

In general friends share their stuff without costing a thought to all this. They do not see it as an inconvenience. You really appear to not be out of pocket in any of the examples here, in fact you are a few euros and a few pints up from the transactions.

I don't understand the TV stand thing, it looks like he wanted you to take his old one to save you the cost of a new one, no? Not sure the spin you have put on it. Offering friends old stuff instead of dumping it is deemed considerate in my circle! My tv stand is a friends parents cast off that I am grateful for as I had enough in the new tv expense.

The more you write about this the more you appear to be the one with the issue here. Maybe this obsessive OCD thing you have with your stuff is colouring your view of the situation.
There must be more to this, is there something else that could be prompting all this?

no he did not want to have to get rid of the stand himself it is not "my spin"
you have cast off if you wish i am not the dustbin man and i had already got a new one. I did say it is not the money but the expectation none of my other friends are like that

Miss Fluff

tootight wrote: »

He does not want to spend money at all and won't have a credit card cos of the annual charges but wants to get stuff on mine.

I don't have any credit cards either (but that's because I'm a compulsive spender ) but I do have a couple of Visa Debit cards which give you all the perks of a credit card (you have a visa number but only pay money that you have) so get the tight fecker to get one of those. God meanness in other people is a bugbear of mine, how infuriating!

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I don't have any credit cards either (but that's because I'm a compulsive spender ) but I do have a couple of Visa Debit cards which give you all the perks of a credit card (you have a visa number but only pay money that you have) so get the tight fecker to get one of those. God meanness in other people is a bugbear of mine, how infuriating!

but you see he will not get one even an 02 card which is prepaid visa

foxyboxer

As for the credit card use/borrowing, tell him he can buy a pre-paid top up credit card that won't have any annual charge only a minimal top up fee.

Big Bag of Chips

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

In general friends share their stuff without costing a thought to all this.

Fair enough, but if one side of the friendship is always left buying things so the other side can borrow it, it becomes less about sharing, and more about taking liberties!

LegacyUser

foxyboxer wrote: »

As for the credit card use/borrowing, tell him he can buy a pre-paid top up credit card that won't have any annual charge only a minimal top up fee.

I have said i did this he will not buy one

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Frankly I think you need to put this in perspective and as you are not out of pocket with all of this, not sure why you are making this a problem. As a poster above said he will just borrow stuff off someone else but you will still be getting p*ssed off with him and then yourself for being p*ssed off with him!

You are making this personal, he really has no 'constant expectation' on you, he is not 'taking advantage' of you, he is just unconciously being his frugal self.
I have frugal friends, but when the chips have been down they have been there with offers of cash & support when needed.

If 'stuff' is not important and he is a good friend, why can't you share unconditionally with him without resenting him? In the balance of things is his friendship not worth more than you getting resentful of a personaility trait that is part of him?

If you can't accept his behaviour, find new friends with traits that you accept. Friends usually see the good side accept us warts and all, that's whats cool about them.

I did not say i was out of pocket and you do not know if there is expectation or not.

I agree he is being his frugal self but i do not want to have to be involved. i am careful with my budget and take responsibility. there is a big diference between when the chips are down and all the time expecting friends to take responsibility. It is as easy for him to have card as me so why not just get one.

He said to me several time when a mutual frienmd would dump his family problems on us that is not what friends are for all the time dumping on them. but all the time he wants me to lend stuff.

Anyway i have decided not to lend the netbook or anything else in future.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Fair enough, but if one side of the friendship is always left buying things so the other side can borrow it, it becomes less about sharing, and more about taking liberties!

That is how it feels to me and that is what annoys me not the cost or the money

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

Why not just say it to him 'why do you always wait for me to buy the book/DVD/whatever?

i did not say it cos i guess i did not want to offend him he is a good friend. I did tell him to feck off the time he wanted me to take the old tv stand but in a friendly way

As for the card thing, that is just an inconvenience. Tell him to be a grown up and get his own. A one-off time is one thing, but every time is taking the proverbial...

yes one time or when chips are down or say a family emergency no problem but all the time is taking the piss i think

daisybelle2008

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Fair enough, but if one side of the friendship is always left buying things so the other side can borrow it, it becomes less about sharing, and more about taking liberties!

No side of a friendship buys things so the other side can borrow!
You buy stuff for yourself initially, if your friends want to borrow it and it is not inconvenient for you, there is no problem. You can say no. To lend stuff and be p*ssed off, then the problem is you.

The OP says he is OCD about lending stuff and will not borrow DIY tools but rather buy them. Too me that is strange, there is a lot of borrowing, lending and general communal sharing among my friends. Sure some borrow a little more than others, but in the bigger scheme it all balances out, they bring other qualities to the group.

The OP is not out any money, in fact he is up euros and pints. He has said his friend stands his rounds and pays his share. If you are not financially at a loss then what is the problem here?

OP if you think your friend is deviously trying to take advantage of you then I would cut the friendship if I was you.

So he does not want to get a debit card, so what? You have oneYou have told him no and now he is getting them to help. Problem over no?

Frankly IMHO you not wanting to borrow or lend stuff is putting way more importance on material things than the overall value of the friendship.

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

No side of a friendship buys hings so the other side can borrow!
You buy stuff for yourself initially, if your friends want to borrow it and it is not inconvenient, there is no problem.

The OP says he is OCD about lending stuff and will not borrow DIY tools but rather buy them. Too me that is strange, there is a lot of borrowing, lending and general communal sharing among my friends. Sure some borrow a little more than others, but in the bigger scheme it all balances out, they bring other qualities to the group.

The OP is not out any money, in fact he is up euros and pints. He has said his friend stands his rounds and pays his share. If you are not financially at a loss then what is the problem here?


So he does not want to get a debit card, so what? You do so what is the big deal? You have told him no and now he is getting them to help. Problem over no?

Frankly IMHO you not wanting to borrow or lend stuff is putting way more importance on material things than the overall value of the friendship.

I did not say
The OP says he is OCD about lending stuff and will not borrow DIY tools but rather buy them"
I buy them because I take responsibility I do not see why i should be borrowing something i can buy

"OP if you think your friend is deviously trying to take advantage of you then I would cut the friendship if I was you. " Did not say that either

"He has said his friend stands his rounds and pays his share. If you are not financially at a loss then what is the problem here?" you are not reading if you do not know the problem

"You buy stuff for yourself initially, if your friends want to borrow it and it is not inconvenient, there is no problem." That is not the same as telling someone to buy something cos you want toborrow it

daisybelle2008

tootight wrote: »

I did not say
The OP says he is OCD about lending stuff and will not borrow DIY tools but rather buy them"
I buy them because I take responsibility I do not see why i should be borrowing something i can buy

"OP if you think your friend is deviously trying to take advantage of you then I would cut the friendship if I was you. " Did not say that either

"He has said his friend stands his rounds and pays his share. If you are not financially at a loss then what is the problem here?" you are not reading if you do not know the problem

"You buy stuff for yourself initially, if your friends want to borrow it and it is not inconvenient, there is no problem." That is not the same as telling someone to buy something cos you want toborrow it

I still do not understand your problem with him. He likes to borrow stuff, you don't like to lend stuff. Just don't lend him stuff anymore then. He will borrow off someone else, end of problem.

If lending him stuff is causing you frustration then don't do it. Don't lend him stuff and then whinge about him asking in the first place. You can't blame him for assuming you dont have a problem if you continue to do it.

You cannot control anyone elses behaviour in this world. The beauty about the world is free-will. If he tells you to buy something so he can borrow and you don't want to do that. Then just tell him no.

Is your problem you can't stand up for your feelings and have trouble setting boundaries around what you do and don't lend?

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

I still do not understand your problem with him. He likes to borrow stuff, you don't like to lend stuff. Just don't lend him stuff anymore then. He will borrow off someone else, end of problem.

If lending him stuff is causing you frustration then don't do it. Don't lend him stuff and then whinge about him asking in the first place. You can't blame him for assuming you dont have a problem if you continue to do it.

You cannot control anyone elses behaviour in this world. The beauty about the world is free-will. If he tells you to buy something so he can borrow and you don't want to do that. Then just tell him no.

Is your problem you can't stand up for your feelings and have trouble setting boundaries around what you do and don't lend?

no i was asking for opinions/venting that is all . you could apply that "why come here whinging" to to any post here. and then why would the forum exist at all

and if you do not understand now i give up. I said it his continual asking/expectation and explained the problem

anyway no need for more replies havedecided to not lend anymore

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

You just have to be blunt. Next time he starts egging you on to buy something, just say 'if you want it so much, you buy it.'

No point coming on here bemoaning how p*ssed off you are if you are not going to do anything about it.

Say it and let it sink in.

One of my exes was a real tight-*rse. It was actually shameful... more shameful I didn't call him out on it sooner :rolleyes:

i did not say i would not do anything about it. if you read back you will see i said ihad decided not to lend anymore

Taltos

Closing thread as OP has come to a resolution of sorts.