Distant friends cheating

LegacyUser

Hi

I found out recently a chap i knew is cheating on his wife with another women. The thing is in my heart i want to tell the mans wife but i imagine this would break her heart. She is a loving caring women and i dont want her alone for christmas, But then again deep down deception kills me. i have know this women years and while i am not good friends with her i do think she is a lovely person.

Whats the general feeing on this. Should i just leave it and not get involved.

OS119

looking out wrote: »

Hi

I found out recently a chap i knew is cheating on his wife with another women. The thing is in my heart i want to tell the mans wife but i imagine this would break her heart. She is a loving caring women and i dont want her alone for christmas, But then again deep down deception kills me. i have know this women years and while i am not good friends with her i do think she is a lovely person.

Whats the general feeing on this. Should i just leave it and not get involved.

don't touch it with a stick.

they are remote, you don't know what the basis for their marriage is, and you don't actually know what you say you know - its merely what people have told you.

tbh, i detect a distinct note in your post that indicates that you'd like to be the one to step into his shoes - a betrayed, lonely (attractive, looks good in a santa hat, stockings and heels) and with a good bit of wine in her wife at christmas, and you're her 'good friend' who told her 'the truth' and is here to 'comfort' her.

stay away, not only do you not know the facts, its - imv - very likely that your 'concience' is telling you what your trousers want to hear, which as we all know, is a brilliant decision making combination for men.

throw your computer way, cut your phoneline, stamp on your mobile and put your car keys down the drain. no good whatsoever will come of you sticking your (ulteria motivated) nose in this situation.

if it does happen to be true, you aren't a close friend, so can always claim ignorance.

LegacyUser

OS119 wrote: »

don't touch it with a stick.

they are remote, you don't know what the basis for their marriage is, and you don't actually know what you say you know - its merely what people have told you.

tbh, i detect a distinct note in your post that indicates that you'd like to be the one to step into his shoes - a betrayed, lonely (attractive, looks good in a santa hat, stockings and heels) and with a good bit of wine in her wife at christmas, and you're her 'good friend' who told her 'the truth' and is here to 'comfort' her.

stay away, not only do you not know the facts, its - imv - very likely that your 'concience' is telling you what your trousers want to hear, which as we all know, is a brilliant decision making combination for men.

throw your computer way, cut your phoneline, stamp on your mobile and put your car keys down the drain. no good whatsoever will come of you sticking your (ulteria motivated) nose in this situation.

if it does happen to be true, you aren't a close friend, so can always claim ignorance.

Your so very wrong but thank you for your opinion anyhow.

Beruthiel

Do not interfere with someone elses relationship.
No good will come of it.

Ickle Magoo

Unless it's a very close friend, you are absolutely 100% positive they are not aware of their partner having relations and know they would never agree to an open relationship - I wouldn't touch it with a bargepole.

While cheating is crappy and it might feel like you are tacitly complicit in it by saying nothing - unless you know all the facts and are prepared for the blame and anger to go all your way, its safer to make no assumptions and if needs be, stay away from the pair of them and let it out itself...there tends to be plenty of glaring signs that a spouse is cheating and so it may well be something she is already aware of, agrees to, turns a blind eye to or is still figuring out how best to deal with.

All the best.

Mighty_Mouse

I've serious sympathy for close friends & family caught in this position but your instinct to interfere here is toxic.

This type of moralist, stranger meddling will come to no good.

What's missing from your own life that brings you to the point of needing this distraction? Are you bored, lonely? Overly religious? Do you need some excitement? Have you been cheated on in the past?

For all you know their relationship is one built on the understanding that she turns a blind eye?

LegacyUser

I was cheated on by my husband for 3 years. When his bit on the side gave birth to his baby a distant neighbour finally let me know via a letter.

I spent the following three years coming to terms with the fact that every second person within the entire district knew exactly what was going on all along with my husband and several other women while I sat at home minding our children.

Nobody told me, and it has left me having a very hard time trusting people or putting any faith in others. It never got to anyone close enough to me [my closest friends, family] who would have told me, but it was public knowledge for neighbours, distant cousins, co-workers, etc. I would hope if I were ever in a similar situation again that someone would tell me the truth. I certainly wouldn't shoot the messenger.

This 'mind your own business' attitude and turn a blind eye to affairs really upsets me. If everyone having an affair was in danger of being told on, maybe there would be fewer affairs.

OS119

gbhfhfhfghgfh wrote: »

...I certainly wouldn't shoot the messenger...

you might not, but thats not the experience of many others.

sadly, in many cases its the messenger who gets burned - both by the couple themselves (regardless of whether they split up), and by the wider social group they were part of. there is usually plenty of blame to go around, and the one who brought it to a head and made things unpleasant gets more than their fair share.

very, very rarely does the messenger get the 'reward' of continued/closer friendship - often they are just a reminder of a painful moment - and there are often accusations of jealousy, stiring, 'look at me' syndrome. its almost never a happy ending...

i speak as having been the messanger, having been silent, and having been told - years later in none of those situations, all with different people, am i aware of a single case where the messenger is still a part of the social circle involved - while in in two of them the orignal couple are on speaking or indeed friendly terms, but there's still no room for the original 'good guy'.

sorry to hear about your situation BTW.

username123

OS119 wrote: »

sadly, in many cases its the messenger who gets burned - both by the couple themselves (regardless of whether they split up), and by the wider social group they were part of.

I understand what you are saying here, but in the OPs case, as a distant friend - who cares about that kind of fall out? If its a distant friend then there probably isnt much of a social circle to worry about?

Anyway, while on the one hand I think - do not interfere, mainly the reasons for not interfering is that you may not have all the facts (such as perhaps its an open relationship etc....) - but then I think - well if thats the case, then surely the woman wont be all that upset about being told anyway?

But then I think about not telling, and I feel like the poster who says how hard it was to come to terms with finding out so many people knew - and didnt tell.

Personally Id prefer to be told. Is there anyone who can say that they would genuinely prefer not to know? What happens afterwards is anyones guess, if it were me I wouldnt shoot the messenger. But many people would.

curlzy

I'd tell OP, I don't believe in standing by and letting someone get sh*t on just because you might get a mouthful. You could always send an anonymous letter.

Neyite

I think the messenger gets shot no matter what you do - I have blew the whistle on 2 cheaters that I knew of - one was the boyfriend of my best friend, the other involved a girl, her best friend and her boyfriend and was casual acquaintance terms with them all.

The first, my close friend fell out with me for months, until he cheated again and she dumped him. The second, I still get withering looks from the 3 involved if I see any when I am out, well over a decade on.

I would still blow the whistle - but these days I would probably do it anonymously, as its not worth the aggro you get for trying to save someone from humiliation. Send an unsigned letter or email with any proof you have and let the wife take it from there.

Miss Fluff

looking out wrote: »

Hi

I found out recently a chap i knew is cheating on his wife with another women. The thing is in my heart i want to tell the mans wife but i imagine this would break her heart. She is a loving caring women and i dont want her alone for christmas, But then again deep down deception kills me. i have know this women years and while i am not good friends with her i do think she is a lovely person.

Whats the general feeing on this. Should i just leave it and not get involved.

Eh, this is actually none of your business whatsoever Keep your nose out, seriously...

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

I'd tell OP, I don't believe in standing by and letting someone get sh*t on just because you might get a mouthful. You could always send an anonymous letter.

This was my underlying reason tbh. I would hope no matter how distant if anyone seen this happen to me they would tell me. This deception really kills me.

I have a perfectly normal but obviously sheltered life. Thank you folks. I will based on the advice let it run its course.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me

Taltos

Closing as per OP's last post, decision has been reached.