She doesn't want a relationship

LegacyUser

Hi everyone. So here's the story. Met a girl a few months ago. When we first met for drinks, we got on great. Talking away as if we knew each other years and ended the date with a bit of kissing. Happy days. Since then we've seen each other pretty much every weekend. We text every day and talk on the phone quite a bit too. I'm really crazy about this girl and she likes me a lot too, so she's said.

6 months ago she ended a 3 year relationship with a guy and she told me she's not ready to commit again. Which is fair enough but 6 months is a decent amount of time...I don't want to rush her or anything but we really like each other. To me, it feels like we're already in a relationship in everything but name!!

Since I met her, I haven't been with anyone else. She's kissed other people on nights out etc. but hasn't been seeing anyone else either.

I dunno what to do...I feel like on the one hand, I didn't even expect to want a relationship right now. We're having so much fun and I love spending time with her - after all, what do labels matter? Why do I need to have it in my head that she's 'my girlfriend'?

Then the other side to it is, why doesn't she want to be with me? Maybe I like her a lot more than she likes me? Maybe she's only seeing me until she finds somebody new?

I dunno what to do..

Novella

I can't say why she doesn't want to be with you, 'cause I'm not her so I don't know the reason exactly but the bottom line is that she just doesn't.

Thing I've found is, when people say they're "not ready for a relationship", they mean not with you. Guaranteed if someone who they were absolutely crazy about came along, they'd be ready.

To be perfectly honest, I'd take it as she's interested casually, but it'll never go any further. Sorry if that's harsh, but that's how I'd see the situation.

A0

confusedwhattodo wrote: »

Hi everyone. So here's the story. Met a girl a few months ago. When we first met for drinks, we got on great. Talking away as if we knew each other years and ended the date with a bit of kissing. Happy days. Since then we've seen each other pretty much every weekend. We text every day and talk on the phone quite a bit too. I'm really crazy about this girl and she likes me a lot too, so she's said.

6 months ago she ended a 3 year relationship with a guy and she told me she's not ready to commit again. Which is fair enough but 6 months is a decent amount of time...I don't want to rush her or anything but we really like each other. To me, it feels like we're already in a relationship in everything but name!!

Since I met her, I haven't been with anyone else. She's kissed other people on nights out etc. but hasn't been seeing anyone else either.

I dunno what to do...I feel like on the one hand, I didn't even expect to want a relationship right now. We're having so much fun and I love spending time with her - after all, what do labels matter? Why do I need to have it in my head that she's 'my girlfriend'?

Then the other side to it is, why doesn't she want to be with me? Maybe I like her a lot more than she likes me? Maybe she's only seeing me until she finds somebody new?

I dunno what to do..

Haha! And you are still with her?? Waited 6 months? Move on, although she didn't say it, she doesn't want to be with you. You are in a... ehmm... "close friendship" relationship

Acoshla

I agree with Novella. I met my boyfriend 6 weeks after myself and my ex of 4 years went our separate ways, I was at a wedding hoping to meet a nice guy to flirt with and pass the time and ended up meeting the man I am now engaged to. For a good few months I tried desperately to keep it casual, I myself and a lot of others thought it was way too soon to meet someone, but I knew me and him had the potential to get very serious so in the end I just went with it. The timing was kinda bad but no way in hell was I going to give him up just because of that.

So as Novella says, normally when people say they're not ready for a relationship it means not ready for one with the person they're saying it to, very few people will let someone slip by if they really want to be with them.

Miss Fluff

Novella wrote: »

To be perfectly honest, I'd take it as she's interested casually, but it'll never go any further. Sorry if that's harsh, but that's how I'd see the situation.

I agree with this. You're Mr. Right Now as opposed to Mr. Right. I've been in her shoes and was involved with someone on a casual basis for many months and we did lots of great things together like eating out and proper dates (so different from a NSA situation) but I wouldn't commit as I didn't see myself being his girlfriend. Looking back it was a bit mean as he was into me and I dropped like a hot snot when I met someone and fell in love (who unceremoniously dumped me - karma is a bitch eh? ) Sounds to me like she likes you alright - just not enough to tie herself down to you, sorry....

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the replies even if they're not what I wanted to hear! I guess you's are right.

However, just to re-iterate, while the sex life is great it's certainly not at all a NSA situation. We go on lots of different dates from nice dinners out to the more casual spending all day cuddling/talking to each other at home. We buy each other gifts, are in touch every day etc. Typical things that you'd do in a relationship.

As for the seeing other people, she's kissed other guys on drunken nights out but hasn't slept with anyone since we met and isn't dating anyone else. We talked about it recently so things are out in the open. She told me that it's just a bit of craic when she kisses guys while drunk on nights out, but she doesn't have any feelings for anyone else "not like when I kiss you". She told me that if I wanted she wouldn't date or kiss anyone else but she just doesn't want to put a label to what we have.

To me that doesn't make sense because basically she's saying, she won't get with anyone else, but at the same time we won't technically be going out.

Zhora

I am afraid to say it but unfortunately she appears to be playing games with you. If a girl was really interested in you she would most definitely want to be called your girlfriend as soon as possible. Its usually the guy who doesn't want the label of boyfriend so for her to not want to 'define' things is a bit of a warning sign. I know a few girls who do this kind of thing, string along a guy when they are between boyfriends just because they are afraid to be without a man. Don't be afraid, tell her what you want in the long term and if she doesn't want the same with you then move on and find someone who does. Its not fair of her to mess you around and not leave you free to meet someone who really does want to be with you. You deserve to be with someone who does want to be labelled as your girlfriend.

floorpie

To me that doesn't make sense because basically she's saying...

It doesn't make sense because it doesn't make sense. I'd think about trying to move on if i were you. You're putting the effort and emotion into it that you would if it were a proper relationship, and it's just not being reciprocated. Sounds like she's trying to have her cake and eat it (that saying doesn't really fit but you know what i mean), which, as Zhora said, isn't fair.

Eh and also, it effectively is NSA for her if she can go out hooking up with other people. "not like when I kiss you"...

Miss Fluff

confusedwhattodo wrote: »

Typical things that you'd do in a relationship.

Yes, except that by it's very definition (or lack thereof) it's not a relationship. I wouldn't be massively into labels either BUT that's only because they weren't the right people - when I got together with my now husband-to-be I was all too happy for us to become official!

I'd be concerned by her reluctance to commit and her tendency to go off snogging other people, it suggests her heart isn't in it at all I'm afraid.

Mighty_Mouse

Maybe she's only seeing me until she finds somebody new?

Nail hammer head.................
You've been seeing her months & it hasn't developed into a relationship.
For whatever reason: she's just not that into you.

IMO you should lay it on the line.
My guess is she will let you go.

S23

You're a stopgap and you seem to know it. You're a cosy little pseudo boyfriend for her to hang onto as she rebounds from a proper relationship. As soon as she finds someone else she actually wants to be in a relationship with you'll be yesterdays news.

You've invested too much time and gotten too attached to her already. Time to move on fella. You'll find someone that'll give back as much as you do sooner or later. This one isn't going to end well if you stick with it though.

A0

confusedwhattodo wrote: »

As for the seeing other people, she's kissed other guys on drunken nights out but hasn't slept with anyone since we met and isn't dating anyone else

Ah, ok... that's alright then :rolleyes:

Are you a little naive? A bit of advice: move on

ElleEm

OP, I'm sorry to say i agree with the other posters. Regardless of labelling or not labelling what you have, if her heart was with you she wouldn't be kissing other boys. I wonder is she doing/saying it to get a rise out of you considering she said if you wanted her to,she wouldn't kiss other lads. What did you say when she asked you this? Also,how many boys have there been, cos you've been seeing her for a few months,see her every weekend and she still has the time to drunkenly kiss 'boys' (plural).