Is my mum's death my fault

LegacyUser

I was sent a newspaper article today. It detailed that my mother's death (which i was told was a result of an asthma attack) was actually a drug overdose of a cocktail of benzos and methadone and also heroin described as being well above lethal limit.

It was unknown if death was accidental or suicide. (There wasn't a note)

My auntie said something to me which really resonated...she told me my mother wasn't happy with the person I was before she died and couldn't cope with me (I was 17 and i my leaving cert year at the time) and hated me. She kept implying through her use with words that I was causing her to be ill etc...

I argued with my mother alot, mostly because she would be around our area with her junkie bf, strung out looking, but denied that she ever even took drugs, so did my family.

I was constantly being teased and ostracised in school, people said i had "AIDS from my prostitute junkie mother". It also interfered with my school work at times and she would sometimes torment me on purpose.I always had clothes, food, money etc though, the house was clean and she would help me where she could.

After she died, I beat up 3 girls in school very badly (one had to get stitches) for slagging me about it being a drugs overdose (the day before her funeral). And For spreading rumours (during the funeral, my friends heard them). I even went to the principle and threatened to get the Garda for slander. When this whole time it was in the nationals and the local paper for everyone to see. If my grandparents didn't want me to know why did they give interviews to all the papers using my name.

Anyway. Was my mother taking all this methadone and benzos because she couldn't cope with me. I wasn't a bad kid, didn't smoke, didn't drink (that she knew about) wasn't out partying, straight A student, on the way to college, got lots of good attention for music and art. Won a scholarship to pay for my college etc... We argued but just regular teenage stuff, i thought. Was my auntie implying that my mother's death was my fault. I had an arguement with my mum the morning she died because she was out of her head and naked. She told me she didn't feel well and I asked her to go to the doctor, but was still angry)

Also, do I tell my grandparents I have seen the article and how do I get it removed from all the online sites, it used my name without my permission <mod snip>

Thanks for listening to my rant.

Victor

helpplease345 wrote: »

I was sent a newspaper article today.

Are you happy that it is genuine and complete?

Is my mum's death my fault

Based on what you have said, no it wasn't your fault. People don't routinely take hard drugs because of their children. Sure, sometimes having children can be tough, but I've never heard of someone reaching for heroin because of it.

Sometimes people say things that aren't true and/or they don't mean, because they are angry and that anger gets misplaced and I think this is what your aunt did.

Also, do I tell my grandparents I have seen the article

I think you could pick a suitable moment to discuss it with them. Do you live with them? Perhaps ask if some time can be set aside for just the three of you to talk.

and how do I get it removed from all the online sites, it used my name without my permission

Generally, such permission isn't needed.

I never advocate violence, but it sounds like those girls you beat up had it coming - I mean insulting someone/mocking them about their mother's death the day before her funeral? Christ.

As for the rest, I really hope you're receiving some form of help. You shouldn't have to deal with this unnecessary and unneeded guilt, especially when it very likely wasn't your fault. I mean, we could give you a tonne of advice, but it's going to take a lot more than that for you to get past this and come out the other side.

But to answer your query, no. It very very likely wasn't your fault - as Victor said, people just don't do drugs because of their children. She just didn't know when enough was enough seemingly and that's all of it.

tallaghtmick

You shouldnt blame yourself,from what ive seen with addicts be it drugs or drink is that they blame everyone bar themselves for the use i.e ruining their lives its a simple cop out,try move on with your life ignore the idiots and mourn your mother in your own way.

username123

No, it wasnt your fault at all. She chose to live her life as she chose to live her life. You dont cause another persons life choices regarding self abuse and drugs. She wasnt happy with who she was. Even if youd been some kind of Mother Teresa teenager you probably couldnt have changed any of it. Dont blame yourself, people are responsible for their own actions. Try to look after you, get some professional counselling to work through how you feel if you need to. Live your own life in a way that makes you happy and isnt destructive - thats all you can do, its all any of us can do.

tawnyowl

helpplease345 wrote: »

I was sent a newspaper article today. It detailed that my mother's death (which i was told was a result of an asthma attack) was actually a drug overdose of a cocktail of benzos and methadone and also heroin described as being well above lethal limit.

It was unknown if death was accidental or suicide. (There wasn't a note)

My auntie said something to me which really resonated...she told me my mother wasn't happy with the person I was before she died and couldn't cope with me (I was 17 and i my leaving cert year at the time) and hated me. She kept implying through her use with words that I was causing her to be ill etc...

Your mothers' death is not your fault.

I argued with my mother alot, mostly because she would be around our area with her junkie bf, strung out looking, but denied that she ever even took drugs, so did my family.

I was constantly being teased and ostracised in school, people said i had "AIDS from my prostitute junkie mother". It also interfered with my school work at times and she would sometimes torment me on purpose.I always had clothes, food, money etc though, the house was clean and she would help me where she could.

You had an incredibly difficult home life and from what you've said you're a very hard worker.

After she died, I beat up 3 girls in school very badly (one had to get stitches) for slagging me about it being a drugs overdose (the day before her funeral). And For spreading rumours (during the funeral, my friends heard them). I even went to the principle and threatened to get the Garda for slander. When this whole time it was in the nationals and the local paper for everyone to see.

You were bullied in school and were raw with grief. It sounds like these girls were trying to provoke you. Not to condone violence, but it sounds like you were put under unbearable pressure.

If my grandparents didn't want me to know why did they give interviews to all the papers using my name.

Anyway. Was my mother taking all this methadone and benzos because she couldn't cope with me. I wasn't a bad kid, didn't smoke, didn't drink (that she knew about) wasn't out partying, straight A student, on the way to college, got lots of good attention for music and art. Won a scholarship to pay for my college etc... We argued but just regular teenage stuff, i thought. Was my auntie implying that my mother's death was my fault. I had an arguement with my mum the morning she died because she was out of her head and naked. She told me she didn't feel well and I asked her to go to the doctor, but was still angry)

If your aunt is blaming you, don't accept it - it's not your fault that your mother died.

Also, do I tell my grandparents I have seen the article and how do I get it removed from all the online sites, it used my name without my permission <mod snip>

Thanks for listening to my rant.

Unfortunately, I don't think there is much chance of having the article removed - I'm not sure how to deal with your grandparents.

fungun

My auntie said something to me which really resonated...she told me my mother wasn't happy with the person I was before she died and couldn't cope with me (I was 17 and i my leaving cert year at the time) and hated me. She kept implying through her use with words that I was causing her to be ill etc...

What a horrible thing to say. Sounds like someone with an angry and/or guilty conscience trying to find someone else to blame.
You were a teenager going through your own stuff, her son, not a direct influence on your mother at that stage. SHE was an adult, her sister; capable of influencing her.

Terrontress

Part of me feels awful for commenting as this is a very personal matter but, from what you have written here, you have coped with a tough time really well.

There is no way you could ever be blamed for your mother's death, so many kids going through school have a tough time with their parents but you had additional pressure.

If I had advice for you it would be to focus on the positives you had during the time with your mother, learn from her mistakes and be the best person you can be. As for the low-lives commenting, don't sink to their level.

Morag

Addicts like what the crap they put in their systems does to them, it's why they do it.

Many parents struggle but they have choices and there are support services for those who are struggling, from parenting classes to counselling for both parents and child.

Parent's who love their kids enough to put them first go and get that help, they don't
put their addictions and relationship which enable those addictions first.

It is not your fault your mother chose her addiction over you, you didn't cause it and your aunt sounds like a bitter, bitter woman who refuses to accept the truth and finds it easier to lay the blame on you and that way negate her own guilt.

Sleepy

Cut contact with any of your family that want to blame the child for the sins of the parent. They sound utterly poisonous tbh.

An addict has to want help for it to be of any use to them, your mother clearly didn't want that help. We are only responsible for our own actions and her drug use was exactly that: her actions not yours. Similarly, your reaction to the bullies' taunts in school was your own responsibility. However much they were "asking for it", you still had no right to lash out at them. You need to learn to live with the person your mother was and move on to ensure your own life is happier, healthier both for your own sake and so that should you ever have kids of your own, they'll be raised in a happier, healthier environment than you were.

Beruthiel

helpplease345 wrote: »

Anyway. Was my mother taking all this methadone and benzos because she couldn't cope with me.

I am a mother.
I can tell you categorically that you are not to blame for this and your aunt is a thundering biatch for saying such a thing to the child of her sister.

Each of us are responsible for our own behaviour and actions in this life.
To put the blame on others for our chosen path through life is nothing short of denial.

Was my mother taking all this methadone and benzos because she couldn't cope with me

Bullsh!t.
She was on those drugs because she took a wrong path in life.
Initially, she made that choice.
You had NOTHING to do with that decision.

OP
Put the blame where it lies, at her feet.
If you cannot see that you had absolutely nothing to do with her life decisions, go talk to a professional until you 100% understand that you are blameless in this.

Best of luck.

theg81der

Op - none of this is fair and its NOT your fault at all. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. I`m sure any mother in her senses would have been proud of you, going through that much and still doing well at school.

Sometimes you need to put your family in a box and put them aside and move forward with your own life, they don`t always have your back and aren`t always worthy of you. Please talk to someone and find a way through this when your older and have children you will see just how much you`ve overcome.

**hugs**