Gloomy friend staying

CorkBabe33

This will probably sound horrible, and I don't mean it to, but I need some advice!
4 years ago, a work colleague of mine who travels over an hour from home to work started staying with me one night a week. She calls this her "me time". Initially that was fine, we use to have a laugh.
However, in the past 2 years she has used the night she stays as an opportunity to get everything off her chest. I get moaned at about her husband, her daughters, other work colleagues, her workload ........
This goes on all evening & starts up again in the morning before we head off to work. Every sentence starts with a big sigh.
I have done my best to be sympathetic and let her talk it all through but, to be honest, being on the receiving end of non-stop doom & gloom is starting to have an affect on my own health. Friends & family are even starting to comment on this.
I don't know what to do. I have suffered from (mild) depression in the past, and while I'm confident that I have it under control now I really don't think I can take much more of this. Each Sunday night, heading into the next week, I'm dreading the night she's going to stay. But I don't have the heart to put a stop to it.
I would really appreciate some advice please.

fungun

if she stays once a week every week, then surely you dont *always* talk? I mean why dont you just get out a film/watch a bit of TV/go to cinema/go out and meet other friends some times? Or even just go to bed early/read/make a phone call. Seems a bit odd that after 4 years you seem to feel obliged to stay in and talk to her when she is over.
If you could work it that you kind of 'talked' one week in four or sth that might be better?

Miss Fluff

Jaysus what an imposition! One night a week? :eek: That just seems like a crazy arrangement to be happening week in week out for four full years. :eek: While I understand it probably started with the best will in the world I'd find that a weight around my neck to be honest.

Would not just start slowly introducing weeks that you're simply not available/around? "Sorry, you can't come to stay this week as I've a cousin staying". "I've met a bloke so maybe the visits can't be as regular" or what have you if you don't want to put a stop to them altogether.

If you've suffered depression in the past (minor or otherwise) then you really should avoid situations and people who could precipitate a relapse of any sort. You should be your number one priority so do what's best for you.

floorpie

Yeah i agree with Miss Fluff. Every week for four years?

I've never been prone to depression (in a clinical sense at least), but there's nothing more blues-inducing than somebody who's perpetually moany. Like, there's a big difference between somebody who gets things off their chest, or even somebody who's pessimistic, and somebody who is constantly woe-is-me...woe-is-me-ism really is the pits (for me anyway).

The advice already given is probably the best to implement...stop trying to be so available. Another thing i've learned that i *have* to do with people like that, is basically (in the least cruel way i can) to laugh off their moans. So if they go "*sigh* That was the boss on the phone. *sigh* Needs me to work late tomorrow *sigh* " i have to eventually be a bit like "hah yeah yeah work's tough i get it! Did you see movie x yet?". The reason being, i've noticed that some people seem to emotionally cling once they realise you'll listen, and if you don't want to constantly listen, you have to brush them off the tiniest bit.

Cruel-ish, but it's just not possible to listen to so much moaning when you've your own life to think about (for me )

Fentdog84

I think we all know at least one of those people who are constantly moaning, everything is wrong, the sky is falling in blady bla..You just learn to kinda switch off after a while, but this does sound really excessive in fact it sounds to me that she is taking advantage of your good nature. Its selfish behaviour from her imo. Had to cut/reduce contact with a few similiar friends in the past as it wasnt doing me any good, only halting progress in my life. You need to do the same. You should also suggest her to speak to a therapist or marriage counsellor.

cafecolour

CorkBabe33 wrote: »

However, in the past 2 years she has used the night she stays as an opportunity to get everything off her chest. I get moaned at about her husband, her daughters, other work colleagues, her workload ........
I don't know what to do. I have suffered from (mild) depression in the past, and while I'm confident that I have it under control now I really don't think I can take much more of this.

Just tell her this. Not in an overly serious way but like "Hearing all this is just making me depressed. Let's make this a fun evening" and maybe have a movie or two rented to watch to distract her initially. It can be Sunday evening movie night instead of Sunday evening bitching night.

Four years??? Is this a paid arrangement or a favour?

If it's just a favour I'd stop letting her stay at all. When on earth is YOUR "me time". You cannot let your mental health deteriorate for the sake of being polite, whether she's a friend or not.

Katgurl

One night a week? That is ridiculously generous, I can't imagine ever offering or being on the receiving end of such an arrangement.

Your friend doesn't know she's doing it but regardless it can't continue.

My advice is to start pulling away as to avoid hurting her feelings by telling her the truth. Have other things on, start reducing down to once a fortnight then once a month, then special occasion if once a month is still too much. If she confronts you about it say you had realised you were getting stressed out and decided to reduce some of your commitments.

Mighty_Mouse

1 night a week every week is enough of anybody!
TBH my rule in situations like this is if I can't think of something to say, then I tell the truth.

"I don't want to be tied into this 1-night per week arrangement any longer, how about once a month?"
If she ask's why; "I have my reasons, but prefer to to go into it"

If the person can't handle it then they're probably not the mate you thought in the 1st place.

askU

Tell her straight, in a nice way. ask her first What would make you happy. then say what would make yourself happy...
u get the picture

Firetrap

Would it help if you invented a relative (or some relatives) who are going to be coming to visit from England and staying for a few weeks? Something to put a stop to this arrangement for now. Unfortunately though, you are going to have to have a conversation with her and bring this arrangement to a conclusion. You have been more than generous. Some people though, are just leeches and will take take take.

Chinafoot

true-or-false wrote: »

Four years??? Is this a paid arrangement or a favour?

If it's just a favour I'd stop letting her stay at all. When on earth is YOUR "me time". You cannot let your mental health deteriorate for the sake of being polite, whether she's a friend or not.

Totally agree with this.

Also baffled that a commute of over an hour is seen as such a hardship. Before I moved house my commute to work was over an hour each way and during college it was closer to two hours each way. I certainly wasn't feeling the need to stay overnight in a friends house due to it.

How close are you? Is she aware that you have suffered depression in the past? If she is then I'd be straight with her and tell her that you are finding it hard to deal with the constant negativity. Maybe she isn't aware of how much of a downer she's being.

Either way, if it were me I'd be ending this arrangement. It's a ridiculous set-up.

FatherTed

No need to be making up lies about fake boyfriends or relatives coming to stay. Just tell her she you'd prefer her not to stay anymore especially if she is such a Debbie Downer.

Big Bag of Chips

If your problem is not that she stays, but that she moans all the time, then try have a "no moaning" rule.

You don't have to put it as bluntly as that! You can make a bit if a joke about it. She'll soon get the message. It has just become a habit for her that this is what you talk about.. so change the habit.

The next time she arrives, meet her at the door with your Xtra-vision card and a pizza menu. Tell her you're having a fun girls night, no talk of work, boyfriends, husbands etc.

You can imply that you also talk about these things, because she won't notice that you don't... (if she talks at you, and you go alng with it, in her head you also talk about these things!)

So tell her, you've been feeling a bit down for the past week and just want a bit of light relief. If she starts remind her, with a jokey smile about the "no moaning" rule!

If the problem is that you don't want her staying anymore, well then you need to tackle that..

solovely

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If your problem is not that she stays, but that she moans all the time, then try have a "no moaning" rule.

You don't have to put it as bluntly as that! You can make a bit if a joke about it. She'll soon get the message. It has just become a habit for her that this is what you talk about.. so change the habit.

The next time she arrives, meet her at the door with your Xtra-vision card and a pizza menu. Tell her you're having a fun girls night, no talk of work, boyfriends, husbands etc.

You can imply that you also talk about these things, because she won't notice that you don't... (if she talks at you, and you go alng with it, in her head you also talk about these things!)

So tell her, you've been feeling a bit down for the past week and just want a bit of light relief. If she starts remind her, with a jokey smile about the "no moaning" rule!

If the problem is that you don't want her staying anymore, well then you need to tackle that..

+1 to this.

You obviously enjoyed her company enough at the start to make this arrangement, and it obviously means a huge amount to her, even if she doesn't show it. She's just gotten into a bad habit now and needs you to bring her out of it.

So, as Big Bag of Chips says, start a No Moaning rule, or even start off by having a "half hour rant" session, where you (both) get to vent for 15 minutes and then after that, no venting, ranting, moaning allowed, just happy chats.

She obviously has a lot going on, and you have come to serve this function in her life. Would you gently suggest she sees a counsellor? Maybe talk about your own depression, talk about people you know going to see professionals to get stuff off their chests, make a joke out of how you are not qualified and are only making her worse as over the years, the rants seem to have gotten worse, not better (you're not!!).

I think other people's suggestions of phasing her out of your life won't do the situation any justice as a) she won't know what she's done wrong and how her behaviour has affected you and b) you could be losing a once great (and potential to be again) friend.

Oryx

The thing is, you dont refer to this person as a friend, but a work colleague? Are you worried that broaching this subject will affect your work relationship?

I think the best and most honest way to approach this is to tell her when she stays 'sorry, but I really dont want to talk about that. Can we talk about something else?' Explain that her intimate affairs are really none of your business and you would prefer not to hear about them. Be firm and repeat this to her when she (inevitably) tries again.

As mentioned this seems to have developed into a habit with her, and she may just need a nudge out of it. If the whole staying over thing is an issue, its tricky, but honesty is best: you need your private space back, thanks. She may take it badly, but you cant help it if she does. She is imposing on you, not the other way around.