has my partner got a problem??

sally20

help!

I feel like im going mad! myself and my partner are together a few years , living togeither and have a baby boy, obviously in the early days our sex life was great, and i know it slows down and when a baby comes we are both tired etc,,, cant find time or are exhausted...thing is... i wasnt all that adventerous when we got together, it took alot for me to come out of my shell and he was great, understanding and almost the educator... it appeared we were madly in love and apart from sex we just were, very much in love and got on (and get on ) great... so i moved in we had a baby and he in my opinion got lazy..... rather than making the effort with me he was constantly looking at porn(assuming i didnt know by the way) and this went on and on and he didnt seem to bothered wether we had sex.... i came across it first by accident and decided to have a look around the house and it was every where, loads stored on the computer, saved on usbs, on dvds, stashed under clothes in drawers (drawers i wouldnt usually use, so he assumed i wouldnt find them)... i didnt know how to approach the subject with him...thing is i dont actually mind if he looks a BIT of porn, and i can understand it been hidden if he thought id react badly, but what does this say about our relationship that he had to hide it from me!!! ive even told him during a conversation i dont mind, i would have prefered even if he included me... anyway this was going on every other night....'i cant sleep im going downstairs' is what i was told .. i knew what for..now i ask?? if he cant sleep and i cant sleep, baby is asleep, is this not the perfect opportunity for us? he is so lazy cant be bothred making the effort with me or grabbing an opportunity with me when baby is asleep or we have some time to ourselves..he says hes tired yet not to tired to go look after himself...then tonight he went to bed early,,, i decided to start decorating for xmas, going through a downstairs press routing out decorations and i came across something, the only way i can describe it is that it was clearly made by him, with a glove(rubber and other material to pleasure himself with????????? WTF?????????? What is going on?? on top of this he keeps coming over to me during the day kissing and grabbing a feel but doesnt follow it up it doesnt go any further and i actually said today hey whay you doing that if youre not gonna follow it through he just laughed and stopped...im totally confused,,,i got angry few weeks ago and confronted him bout the porn and he was EXTREMELY defensive and just argued so i never got to talk it out....what do i do????

guitarzero

IMO I think you should suggest having a conversation about it in a non judgemental manner where you are both at ease. If he cant do that then this will simply persist and friction will just escalate.

Wibbs

Better for you here Sally20

sally20

he wont have a talk about it, prob because i went about it the wrong way, at that point i was so angry i approached it angrily, i had two of the usb's and put them in front of him and said im sick of this its all the time and on the pc and you tell me your too tired wtf?? he flew off the handle saying to get over it and i shouldnt have been snooping (that really hurt, shouldnt have been snooping? in my own house? this is meant to be our home , there shouldnt be 'off limits' parts to it.. and i wasnt snooping he was just carless...so he changed the paasword on the pc and put the usb's in a press and told me there was nothin wrong with it he'd always had dvds long b4 i came along and its not like he's having an affair!! and stormed off.. i wanted to say ok but its affecting our relationship but he just ignored me for 2 days. i decided to let it go from there for a bit and hope that although he was mad he might calm down and realise he was being unfair and change the situation himself and he did a bit there was less of it going on,,, or so i thought til i found what i found tonight....

greenprincess

Porn can be a touchy subject! But you are going to have to talk to him about it!! Even if you dont think he will otherwise it will never get sorted. There isnt really anything wrong with him watching a bit but you need to explain to him you need to have a real sex life to!

sally20

i dont know what to do at this stage, ive tried talking, he just gets defensive...and i cant but help take it personally at this stage when he is recording stuff to view and telling me he cant sleep upstairs baby is waking him and he goes downstairs and has this thing he made himself to get off.. i mean to go to those lengths??? am i being naive? im just shocked and hurt by whats going on,,and he has the cheek then to make comments like he isnt getting any etc...yet if i try it on hes 'too tired'...yea hes too tired coz hes up all night watching porn!

aidan24326

greenprincess wrote: »

Porn can be a touchy subject! But you are going to have to talk to him about it!! Even if you dont think he will otherwise it will never get sorted. There isnt really anything wrong with him watching a bit but you need to explain to him you need to have a real sex life to!

Of course there isn't, and watching it together can be sexy for both, but if he's addicted to porn (as it sounds to me) and foregoing a normal sex life for his porn sites/dvds etc then that's a major problem.

OP, I think you are right to be well p1ssed off with his behaviour. You asked in your thread title 'has my partner got a problem'? My answer would be yes he does. Every guy with an internet connection looks at porn sometimes. It's a given. And done in reasonable moderation it's no harm at all. But if he does it all the time, and it's to the detriment of your sex life then yes he has a problem. An addiction maybe.

You need to talk to him and let him see that this is not acceptable and that you're not comfortable with taking second place to his porn fantasies. If he'd rather don his glove thing and watch youporn than make love with you, then yes he has a problem. By all means be non-judgemental and don't fly off the handle, but be firm and demand some honest answers because this doesn't healthy to me. He has a girlfriend and yet he's behaving like a sexually frustrated teenager. Something not right there.

sally20

thats what i was thinking...that maybe he is addicted..he was single for a few years before we got together and i guess thats what he did..fair enough..but he has me now and yes i appreciate we are both tired with the baby ..but lots of ppl have babies!!!! and survive! haha!! im tired too but i still have and want time for him, i see opportunity eg baby is asleep etc.. i think as well as being addicted to porn he is a lazy partner... its too much effort to plan or grab an opportunity.... if she has to settle baby i cant be bothered waiting ill go sort myself out. im starting to think(and i dont want to think this way) thst he just cant be bothered putting the effort into us!!! yet he tells me all the time he loves me so much.... and i am fearing he will have an affair , purely for sex as he clearly wants it alot!!! tis porn thing is almost eery nigh now and during the day...

Taltos

OP - this is a hell of a lot more common than you think. I know of at least one marriage that was destroyed by the lying behaviour of the partner addicted to porn and their total denial of a problem. Funny thing is if they had held up their hands and admitted it instead of lying their marriage would have been saved...

You both do need to talk about this - and when I say talk I mean you need to take the emotion and blame out of this. For example lines such as "How could you.."; "Why would you.." basically will put your OH on the defensive here and immediately make it all that harder to come to a solution.

Instead use lines like "When I found that key I felt so low in myself" or "Every night when I am left alone in bed I feel a bit more unattractive" or "what can we do together to get closer again?"
Remember - leading questions - not Yes / No questions are key. Don't focus on WHAT he has done - focus instead on what you know 100% - HOW you feel / felt... Show the impact to you and ask for his help...

So today - in passing tell him that you want to sit down when you are both calm to talk about your relationship - plan for later today - this way you are not "surprising" him or ambushing him. Your partner will have plenty of time to think things through himself. If pushed for right away - tell him no, you need to first take care of the baby and you want to chat when you know you both won't be disturbed - in fact see if you can get a babysitter for this time so you really won't be disturbed.

Worst case - if you both cannot talk calmly about this all is not lost - it just means that maybe you both would be better off getting mediator or a counsellor in place to help you bridge that gap. There is nothing to be embarrassed about using a 3rd party many couples have areas in their lives that they just are not comfortable talking about - it can take a lot of work and many years before you learn how best to approach those thorny subjects.

Either way - you have the right mindset here in my opinion. For many couples there is nothing wrong with porn - in fact it can spice up a relationship. It only becomes a problem when it is hidden or becomes all consuming or the relationship suffers as a result from one party over-indulging.

Just remember those magic words ... "I love you..." - Best of luck

LegacyUser

hey OP,
Problems with anything are judged on the fact that it interferes with daily life. If he was watching porn the odd time then fair enough. Most blokes do as it is so easily available but when it takes over actual sex and affection with another person then it is a problem.

What is wrong here is that it is an easy gratification. He can just look at it, do the deed and noone else to consider. also like other things it's a habit or a crutch. He does it as it is a routine and probably gets irritable if he doesn't.

I would approach it carefully. Maybe do some research on addictions particularly sex addiction as frequent masturbation to porn can be classified as that.
again I say if it was the odd time no problem but the fact that you are posting here means it most definitely is one.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear you’re going through this. I’ve been in a similar situation with my partner so can understand first hand that this is an intensely difficult and painful issue to deal with. For the most part we’ve been happy for several years but until about 6 months ago there were equally many times when I felt deeply confused and questioned my own sanity at feeling so angry and betrayed when I’d make yet another discovery about the porn use he was trying to hide from me. Back then he’d brush it off as ‘men being men’. That, coupled with the fact that it seems to have become ‘normalised’ in the world we live really didn’t help when trying to make sense of it.

Like you, I never really had an issue with porn before but when it comes with so much deception and secrecy within a relationship it’s deeply destructive and leads you to question everything about yourself as a partner.

In our case we reached a point where the deception and secrecy around his porn use got so out of hand that I just couldn’t take it anymore – it was either me or the porn. It’s hard to say if this is what brought about his light bulb moment but he says that it’s because he finally realised just how much was at stake for him. It’s been a long hard slog but he’s finally accepted that he has an addiction and we’re both now seeking professional help to help us work through it. We have a long way to go but we’ve reached a place where we can at least communicate and talk about it openly and honestly without the conversation becoming overwhelmed with intense emotions.

For me, lots of communication was the only way to bring this out into the open to position us to start working through our issues. I’m no expert but believe that my partner’s refusal to take it seriously at first was in fact a characteristic of his addiction. I’d suggest timing such conversations so that it’s not at times when you’re feeling intense emotions so that you can both be more receptive to hearing each other.

This is a really difficult subject to talk about so thanks for posting. Stay strong and be good to yourself. Very best of luck to you.

Temptamperu

Anyone who makes a"glove thing" has a problem. You need to talk about this with him and tell him its hurting you. I dont know what to say to do if he keeps flying of the handle (a major sign of a problem btw) but I would make an ultimatum, The porn goes or you and the baby go.

Oryx

I just have a thought in my head that I think you also need to broach with him. Was he with you for the birth? For some guys that can be very traumatic on a physical level. Maybe he has issues seeing you as a sexual being after all that. Now, I know he also has a BIG problem with his addiction to porn, but something to do with the baby coming seems to have pushed him further into it. I could be suggesting something completely off the mark here, but I thought it was worth mentioning.


Unfortunately, you are describing someone with a deeply ingrained addiction. As with any addiction, he has to want to stop. If he doesnt want to, he simply won't. But you can't ignore the problem any more, you need to deal with it one way or the other. If his reaction to being confronted is to attack, you need to cope with that. Dont argue back, but dont back down either. You need to stay calm and keep talking to him, even when he is sulking. He wont want to stop this, and will try all kinds of ways to get you off his back, promising to quit and then hiding it, saying its none of your business, calling you a nag, etc. But you need to make him understand how this makes you feel. He needs to figure out which is more important to him, his habit, or you and his child.

sally20

Walked in your shoes wrote: »

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear you’re going through this. I’ve been in a similar situation with my partner so can understand first hand that this is an intensely difficult and painful issue to deal with. For the most part we’ve been happy for several years but until about 6 months ago there were equally many times when I felt deeply confused and questioned my own sanity at feeling so angry and betrayed when I’d make yet another discovery about the porn use he was trying to hide from me. Back then he’d brush it off as ‘men being men’. That, coupled with the fact that it seems to have become ‘normalised’ in the world we live really didn’t help when trying to make sense of it.

Like you, I never really had an issue with porn before but when it comes with so much deception and secrecy within a relationship it’s deeply destructive and leads you to question everything about yourself as a partner.

In our case we reached a point where the deception and secrecy around his porn use got so out of hand that I just couldn’t take it anymore – it was either me or the porn. It’s hard to say if this is what brought about his light bulb moment but he says that it’s because he finally realised just how much was at stake for him. It’s been a long hard slog but he’s finally accepted that he has an addiction and we’re both now seeking professional help to help us work through it. We have a long way to go but we’ve reached a place where we can at least communicate and talk about it openly and honestly without the conversation becoming overwhelmed with intense emotions.

For me, lots of communication was the only way to bring this out into the open to position us to start working through our issues. I’m no expert but believe that my partner’s refusal to take it seriously at first was in fact a characteristic of his addiction. I’d suggest timing such conversations so that it’s not at times when you’re feeling intense emotions so that you can both be more receptive to hearing each other.

This is a really difficult subject to talk about so thanks for posting. Stay strong and be good to yourself. Very best of luck to you.

thanks for all the advice guys..ive been so down over this and am paranoid all the time now when he goes to sleep downstairs or goes to bed before me... i will try talking again guess im just dreading the inevitable resistance and being brushed off, no matter how firm bu calm i am he will turn it into a row!

Taltos

sally20 wrote: »

thanks for all the advice guys..ive been so down over this and am paranoid all the time now when he goes to sleep downstairs or goes to bed before me... i will try talking again guess im just dreading the inevitable resistance and being brushed off, no matter how firm bu calm i am he will turn it into a row!

Hi OP.

Resistance - yes until he accepts and I mean fully accepts what he was doing is wrong in that it is negatively impacting your relationship expect resistance.
Row - you have to walk away from rows - the raised voices bit means he is not listening and will not be able to hear how much you are hurting from this.

As above - set aside a time to calmly speak about this - when you start tell him you are not looking for a fight and if emtions rise in that direction then take a five minute breather - make a coffee or a tea - take some deep breaths and come back to it.

I know right now your trust is shot to hell - hence your worry when he disappears somewhere, that won't just disappear overnight when you talk about this - but he needs to hear how this has been making you feel - not only about the relationship but about yourself too. Hopefully once he sees that emotional scars (I know a bit too much) he is inflicting on you he will take a look once more at himself and try to do something about it.

Remember - mediators / counsellors sometimes really are necessary for those difficult talks...

curlzy

Hey OP,

I think while all the talk it out and get a councellor etc is useful at the end of the day your bf is being a total d*ckhead. He's replaced sex with you with a rubber glove and porn, I wouldn't bother begging and pleading, (maybe I'v too much pride), I'd simply move back in with my parents and the baby. When anyone asks why tell them why, and tell him you'll be telling people why. Maybe when he feels the embarrassment of being seen as the perve he is by all and sundry he'll go and get some help to sort himself out. Of course maybe give the talking route one more try but I really couldn't put up with the level of disrespect he's shown you.

Best of luck.

omahaid

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

I think while all the talk it out and get a councellor etc is useful at the end of the day your bf is being a total d*ckhead. He's replaced sex with you with a rubber glove and porn, I wouldn't bother begging and pleading, (maybe I'v too much pride), I'd simply move back in with my parents and the baby. When anyone asks why tell them why, and tell him you'll be telling people why. Maybe when he feels the embarrassment of being seen as the perve he is by all and sundry he'll go and get some help to sort himself out. Of course maybe give the talking route one more try but I really couldn't put up with the level of disrespect he's shown you.

Best of luck.

Would you advise that if it was a woman with a vibrator? That the man leave with their baby and move back in with his parents and tell everyone that his partner is a pervert? I mean the other advice offered here is sensible but this is a bit extreme.

LegacyUser

Totally agree with curlzy above. I read the post and was absolutely shocked at the responses!! The way this man is behaving is truly disgusting, and all this talk of counselling, talking it through, etc is ridiculous going by the way he is acting and reacts to her bringing up the hurt it is causing her. Using porn on your own is not ok in a relationship, and this level of addiction to it is treating his wife like a bit of dirt stuck to his shoe. She seriously needs to lose him. And comparing a woman with a vibrator is funny, Im sure most women would be delighted if there was a male version of a vibrator, there is no comparison to the use of porn and the distruction of relationships it causes.

curlzy

omahaid wrote: »

Would you advise that if it was a woman with a vibrator? That the man leave with their baby and move back in with his parents and tell everyone that his partner is a pervert? I mean the other advice offered here is sensible but this is a bit extreme.

Yes I would Omahaid, I'm not sexist. What's more, if I rejected my own boyfriend for a vibrator and porn every night of the week I would hope he'd have enough pride to drop me like a hot snot.

sally20

curlzy wrote: »

Yes I would Omahaid, I'm not sexist. What's more, if I rejected my own boyfriend for a vibrator and porn every night of the week I would hope he'd have enough pride to drop me like a hot snot.

hi guys! listen i agree with the talking and communicating, end of the day communication is key in a healthy relationship..but ive tried talking and as i openly admitted i tried the angry route (well not tried so much as i couldnt help myself that evening i was so mad and blew up over it) but i am tending to agree with the fact that my partner is being totally disrespectful to me... i tried talking again this evening and he couldnt be bothered, its a sat night we are both at home, he had plenty of sleep last night i saw to baby, he had no work today so there was no reason for him to be too tired at 11pm when i was trying to talk to him, and i wouldnt mind but i initially was trying to talk about us spending time together, taking advantage of the night as baby was sleeping and curl up on the sofa together flirt have fun and enjoy what it led to! but he is tired!!!!! so i didnt even get to bringing up again how this porn issue is damaging us.... and now he is up in bed apparently so tired yet the tv is on upstairs anD i garuntee you porn will be put on.... now im starting to believe not only is this an addiction but that he has lost interest in me!!! yet earlier today he was telling me how much he loves me! talk about mixed signals..ALSO he said tonight something suggestive sex wise to me ..to which i replied welcomingly and he did nothing about it! and then has the cheek to say something along the lines of im not game...mixed signals again... i think he has gone that twisted that he is trying to imply he is trying it on with me and i dont respond and that justifys the porn...where infact he trys it on and stops saying i have to see to baby then throws that in my face...games are being played here or am i getting totally paranoid! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sally20

sally20 wrote: »

hi guys! listen i agree with the talking and communicating, end of the day communication is key in a healthy relationship..but ive tried talking and as i openly admitted i tried the angry route (well not tried so much as i couldnt help myself that evening i was so mad and blew up over it) but i am tending to agree with the fact that my partner is being totally disrespectful to me... i tried talking again this evening and he couldnt be bothered, its a sat night we are both at home, he had plenty of sleep last night i saw to baby, he had no work today so there was no reason for him to be too tired at 11pm when i was trying to talk to him, and i wouldnt mind but i initially was trying to talk about us spending time together, taking advantage of the night as baby was sleeping and curl up on the sofa together flirt have fun and enjoy what it led to! but he is tired!!!!! so i didnt even get to bringing up again how this porn issue is damaging us.... and now he is up in bed apparently so tired yet the tv is on upstairs anD i garuntee you porn will be put on.... now im starting to believe not only is this an addiction but that he has lost interest in me!!! yet earlier today he was telling me how much he loves me! talk about mixed signals..ALSO he said tonight something suggestive sex wise to me ..to which i replied welcomingly and he did nothing about it! and then has the cheek to say something along the lines of im not game...mixed signals again... i think he has gone that twisted that he is trying to imply he is trying it on with me and i dont respond and that justifys the porn...where infact he trys it on and stops saying i have to see to baby then throws that in my face...games are being played here or am i getting totally paranoid! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And this is not the same situtation as someone having a vibrator, correct me if i am wrong but isnt a vibrator used in the absence of your man and not INSTEAD of him, and often used with him, if my bf just had a sex toy that he loved and used i knew about it i would suggest using it together, this is about deceit and lies and hiding and REPLACING me for porn and this thing he made!

Taltos

OP why wait until 11pm?
I mean - I understand the child is in bed - but really 11pm is not a great time to be having any type of serious chat.

You need to talk to him early in the day when he is wide awake - and then you both have all day to talk back and forth on the matter.
Trying to have a serious chat at 11pm just before you could be going to sleep is a recipe for disaster.

Look - we get you are frustrated - so today - after breakfast tell him that you both need to sit down at say 12pm today - with NO distractions to discuss your relationship. Be clear with him - you are not asking - but are telling him that right this instant there is nothing more important to you than trying to fix your relationship but you need his help too, you need to impress on him that right this moment your relationship is teetering and only through joint effort can you both salvage it.

In terms of the vibrator - yes many people do use it as you describe but I would hazard that a small number would use it the way your partner uses porn.

eadire

My opinion o the matter is why not when you know he is watching porn catch him in the act and tell him that this is why he is always tired because he couldnt be f***ing bother to be with you instead it is porn he wants and tell him if he doesnt start spending time with you that it will be porn he will be having and that you will be gone. only way to sort it out I think:mad:

Zen65

curlzy wrote: »

I'd simply move back in with my parents and the baby. When anyone asks why tell them why, and tell him you'll be telling people why. Maybe when he feels the embarrassment of being seen as the perve he is by all and sundry he'll go and get some help to sort himself out.

Hi Op,

I'm sorry to read of your problems. As this is a serious relationship and you share a child with this man, any action (including the suggestion above) which makes reconciliation almost impossible should be avoided. The best course of action is calm dialogue.

It sounds to me that he's using porn to relieve himself because he has got caught up in some unhealthy obsession about sex. He's embarrassed about it and does not want to share those thoughts with you, nor even try to explore his 'fantasy' sex with you. Perhaps as the mother of his child he would find it hard to envisage you as the female lead in his fantasy?

I'd suggest you approach the subject in a calm way. Ask him what he's thinking about when he uses porn to feed his sexual desires. Try to find out what fetish/fantasy/obsession is going on in his head that he feels he cannot share with you. You may not like the answers you get, but at least it might help him to see the issue that is at the root of his problem.

You portray him as a man who loves you, but perhaps he is unable to lust after you right now? That's not uncommon after the arrival of a baby. With discussion in a calm way, you may yet find out what it is that stops him from switching on his "lust" switch. If he talks it through with you he may find that his obsession makes less sense to him, as these things often do when you speak about them.

Relationships require every bit as much work as dating, and anyone who thinks otherwise is not in a healthy relationship. This man is not putting in the work right now, he's copping out with self-gratification. It's not a reflection on you, so don't feel bad about it from that perspective. However you have every right to expect him to make an effort to keep the relationship working, and if necessary that includes seeing a relationship counsellor to help you both if needed.

Be at peace,

Z

Maple

As the OP has not been back to this thread in over 10 days, I am closing it.

Maple