Father issues

LegacyUser

I'm not sure what advice I am expected to get over this, but I guess right now I just need to vent.

It feels like my family is starting to collapse in on itself. Recently my father was admitted to hospital to have a minor surgery on his heart (one which I am likely to receive also in the near future) and afterwards the doctors clearly told him to curb the amount he drinks as it is likely to damage his heart even more. He is a deliveryman and also is in a band as well. Whenever he finishes his rounds he would go to the pub at least 3-4 times a week and stay there all day drinking, coming home in the evening absolutely steamed. A few weeks ago my mother sat me down to discuss this, pretty much giving me the impression that my father is drinking himself into an early grave (he is only in his 60s) and that she is preparing herself for this. She also told me that alcohol has always been a problem for him, but we never really noticed it as children.

Here's the thing though, if he did die, I'm not entirely sure how I would feel about it. I mean I'd be sad, yes, but not traumatized or even that broken up about it. See, when I was growing up he had a really really short temper and no patience (I vividly remember one occasion in my early 20s when I had to restrain him from getting involved in road rage). Most of my memories from my childhood would be about him yelling at me, verbally abusing me, or just being a complete arse to me. One day I left a pair of shoes somewhere and he throws them outside in the pouring rain and when I go out to retrieve them, he locked me outside in my bare feet. It feels like a lot of the problems I have no as an adult were caused by his actions when I was a child. His drinking also caused a lot of grief (during my leaving certificate, my parents split up for a few weeks as my father would often stay out 'til 3am and my mother would worry. I remember being woken up by my mother screaming at my father and locking herself in the bathroom. I had to go in and check on her because I was genuinely worried she'd do something stupid).

I guess I resent him - to me he is just a stranger rather than a father, when we are together, I can barely make conversation with him because I just wouldn't know what to say.

Yes, I know that this sounds rather messed up.

pragmatic1

Its not messed up OP. My father was an asshole for many, many, years. We have a better relationship now but theres some things that cant be undone. I'd still resent him for things and we'll never have a close relationship. You dont get to choose your family unfortunately.

greenprincess

Dont let what happened in the past mould who you are today it wont help

EGAR

As long as you are with one foot in the past you will not be able to move forward. You do not chose your parents or their actions, you can, however, choose your own actions.

For me worked to cut my Mother off from my life. It worked for me and I haven't looked back since.

I am not suggesting you do the same - I am just saying it worked for me.

Morag

Find yourself an al anon meeting, they have them all over the country and are for people who are living with someone who as a drink problem.

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/meetings.htm