The basics (but only the basics) are a struggle for me.

LegacyUser

Here's a funny one... I'm a single female in my twenties. I'm not looking for a diagnosis or anything like that. I don't think there's anything wrong with me as such. I'd just like some coping tips, if at all possible.

I find it genuinely hard to look after myself. It's a huge struggle to get to sleep and wake up. I even find it hard to get dressed. I can't keep tidy, in spite of my best efforts. I just can't motivate myself. I find healthy eating nigh on impossible and end up going hungry and then binging on junk. I've tried an awful lot of things. I try timetables, "turning over a new leaf", convincing myself I find it all easy, and even reward charts.

I'm almost the type who would buy new clothes to avoid doing washing.

Actually, the one basic thing I'm very good for is bathing. I'm never, ever unshowered even if I'm alone. I also never go out looking untidy. Nobody would ever know that I'm like this. In fact, people assume I'm an energy-filled neat freak unless they find out otherwise.

However, I have no trouble at all with the "big stuff". I'm an extremely reliable friend. I'll always find the time to see family etc. I'm good at what most consider to be a very demanding career. Ironically, I'm known by family, friends and colleagues for my sensible advice on "the basics". I provide a listening ear etc. I'm involved with charity work. I find none of this in any way difficult.

The thing is, I'm not at all unhappy or depressed in general. I'm unhappy with my situation, but I'm fundamentally contented. I have no illnesses. I have some great friends. I have wonderful parents.

I'd like to know if any others are like this and if anyone has successfully changed things. Thanks for reading.

Perhaps you should go speak to someone to try and figure out if there's some sort of underlying cause to all of this?

Dudess

Obviously not attempting to make a diagnosis, but just food for thought: what you're describing seem like textbook symptoms of very mild depression. You don't have to feel sad to be depressed - lack of motivation, lack of energy, feeling overwhelmed by small things, and sleeping difficulties are other symptoms.

Finding it very difficult to eat healthily though - that's not unusual.

But I don't know for certain obviously - IMO there would be no harm in visiting an understanding doc.

Oryx

Have you always been like this? And in the past did you live at home and have 'the basics' done for you?

If this is a new thing, then obviously you need to figure out why that is. But if this has been a general habit for a long time, well then thats what it is, a habit. We will always find time for the things we want to do, but the things we dislike, we avoid. Its normal. Except in your case you may have turned the avoidance into a bit of an art.

If there is nothing wrong with you like depression and if you really want to change, then theres only one way. Work at it. Make yourself. Set alarms to do stuff if you must and dont procrastinate, ever. If you are capable in every other area of your life, then you can do it in this area too, you just have to want it as much as you want to do the other stuff. It takes a lot of repetition to create a habit, so stick with it. Fake it till you make it, as they say.

Also I find a good way to keep a clean house is to invite people around, lol. Makes you see the dirt.

tenchi-fan

My tips: (1) keep busy (2) make things easy for yourself

Keep busy by having friends visit you (it forces you to clean your house) and arrange things to do in the morning (forces you to get up on time)

Make things easy for yourself. Have two laundry baskets: one for white, one for coloured clothes. Put them where ever you get changed. When one baskets full, simply throw the whole lot into the machine.
Have everything you need in an easy to reach place so nothing feels like an effort.

Junk food: don't buy it.

Also try exercising even if it's just a 20 minute brisk walk in the evening.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

Oryx, it's not a new thing. I had a lot done for me at home, but not everything. I'm better than I was, but not really getting anywhere. I've tried most of the alarm-setting and stuff before. Maybe I just need to try even harder.

Tenchi-fan, you make a lot of sense. I think I'm going to have to make things easy for myself. I'm already quite busy, so that's not a problem as such. However, inviting people over seems like a reasonable idea.

Dudess, I'm definitely not depressed. I'm not dismissing your suggestion (and am still grateful for your input) and it is something I originally considered, but it is something I can definitively rule out. I've had blood tests too and there's nothing medically wrong.

Boneyarse, thank you too. If it's not something I can sort out, I would consider counselling or similar. I would rather tackle it myself first, though. Not out of pride, but for practical reasons.

Thank you all for the input.

Big Bag of Chips

You need to start trying to get yourself into a routine. Start small. If you make big plans its too much and too easy to not achieve.

Start with getting up and getting dressed. Lay out your clothes the night before. Decide on a realistic time that you want to be up. If your clothes are laid out its quicker and easier than going rooting for stuff. Do that for a week, without trying to change anything else. Make that your new routine, then add something else...

Put on a wash in the evening
Make a lunch
Cook a dinner
Tidy the kitchen

Whatever you want. Again stick at that until it becomes your routine and then add something else.. etc

If you fall from the routine occasionally, don't beat yourself up, you're allowed slips! But make the effort to get back into the routine the next night.

Do one thing at a time rather than trying to change everything. Smaller goals are more achievable, and when you reach the goal, no matter how small it may seem, it will make you feel better about yourself.

iguana

Have you thought about getting a cleaner? If you have a good career and a bit of spare cash getting someone in for a couple of hours once or twice a week to do a basic tidy could make a big difference. If you don't have a lot of spare cash you could allocate the money you spend on junk food to have a cleaner even once a week.

Ime, it's usually to easier to keep things tidy when it's already tidy. Having a cleaner won't keep things perfect but it will put a safety net in place to stop you from having things reach a tipping point where it's just too messy for you to be bothered making any effort.

Scruffles

big bag of chips,
a routine can actualy do the opposite for some people,especialy those whose brain functioning is dominated by the right side as people who are right side dominated tend to work better without having things built into a routine.

OP,
get a pysch check up to make sure there is nothing big? [like an illness,syndrome etc] causing this,lots of things can cause a lack of motivation.

have a look at:
http://www.rightbrainintelligence.com/braindominanttest.htm
and see which side is most dominant but it does sound like are right side-perhaps build a colourful planner on the wall with pictures and not to many steps? even though say have done a planner before,it may be that have not made it suitable to own thinking style.
tailoring life to the dominant brain side can help strengths to come out.

if there are any specific skills that are good at,how about using them to help other people in return to get help with house stuff?
say,getting rid of viruses off a computer for someone computer illiterate and they come and do the house stuff.
they have schemes for that exact idea over here in the UK but cannot remember at all what it was called.

lots of people have problems with life skills for different reasons, every single person needs help with something so there is nothing wrong with having weakness in an area that others dont have as will be stronger than they are at something else.

am severely autistic and labelled as low functioning in life skills,live in residential care and need more help with life skills than all the guys am living with who are labeled as low functioning profoundly autistic.
however,am also mentaly high functioning and know more about computers,linux,hacking etc than the general population will ever know.
people always take that as a way to judge actual functioning.
mental/intelectual ability and the brain in general is very complex and just because one part can be working at a high level it doesnt mean everything else is.

shellyboo

OP, I don't have any solutions for you, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm the exact same. I live with my boyfriend, and if it weren't for him I think I'd exist entirely on toast, eggs and fruit, surrounded by mounds of laundry waiting to be folded.

I find it very difficult to motivate myself to cook for myself, clean for myself, go to bed on time etc. I'm not invested in looking after myself at all. However, because I live with my partner, I do all those things, essentially for him. Now, he doesn't MAKE me do them, or insist on it... he helps me with the chores and everything. But if it weren't for the fact that he also lives in the house, I would not bother doing half as much as I do.

I do actually suffer from depression, but I've never really linked my lack of motivation to that... although they are obviously related in some ways, I have always been like this, even before I suffered from depression. I personally think that it stems from the fact that I am 100% a people pleaser. I put everyone else before myself, always.

I think that because everything (really, everything) I do is in some way FOR someone else... it seems sort of like work. So when it comes to doing those things for myself, I couldn't be arsed. I don't place a value on it because I am last on my list of priorities.

Unfortunately, I have zero idea how to fix that! Though I know I do feel better in a clean house, with a full fridge, eating proper dinners; I still find it hard to do those things. When I lived with my parents, they didn't do everything for me, far from it... I had a hand in the chores, namely making dinner on the nights my Mum was at work, and minding my (much younger) brother. So it's definitely not just laziness or an inability to do these things.

Of course, you may not identify with this at all! I just wanted to give you my point of view on it and let you know that I struggle with the same thing.

cafecolour

I've been very similar at different points in my life, though I've slowly gotten better over the years.

The important thing I've found, is not to try and fix 'everything' at once - it gets overwhelming. Pick 'one' thing to start with, and try and doing that - (and only that, don't worry about other things) - EVERY DAY for a month - I'd suggest 30 minutes of exercise a day, but it could be tiding for 30 minutes a day or such.

Picking only one thing to add in a month takes the pressure off. After a month, it becomes more routine, and you can add a second (for a month), etc.

Also, don't freak out if you don't it. Just start again. It slowly gets easier as the things become more habitual. Instead of laying in bed thinking about doing the dishes for 10 minutes, you just do the dishes without thinking about it.

LegacyUser

Thanks again everyone.

It's very, very reassuring to hear from others who experience similar issues.

I also really like the advice. BBOC, I think I will do it one step at a time. Iguana, a cleaner may not be at all a bad idea. Cafecolour, you speak sense! I think I'll start with the sleep routine, because I feel so much better after a good rest.

Scruffles, thanks for the reply. However, I actually do like and cope well with routine, and am very much a typical left-brainer.

Shellyboo, I relate to a lot of your post. I'm a people-pleaser too. I think I found it most reassuring of all the posts, actually.

floorpie

You're an energy filled hard worker in a demanding career, and are clean etc otherwise. You're obviously just overworked. If it's a well-paid 'demanding career', and you can't lower your work workload to enable more time/energy for the lax areas, then pay for a cleaner like somebody said...i'd not normally recommend a cleaner...but you can only stretch yourself so far before you'll burnout. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Also, a lot of people find it hard to sleep and wake up. Your diet might have an element to play with this issue, e.g. if i drink caffeine after 7, i wont be asleep til 1 and i'll feel like crap waking up.

kerash

It sounds like your missing some balance in your life and not putting yourself first. I'd say if you can afford it go to see someone who can help you work out how to get things working for you. If you're doing it by yourself, keep a diary. Write down how you feel and see if you can identify triggers or reasons why you find those basics difficult and then tackle how you might change it.

neuro-praxis

OP, I am going to make a suggestion to you, and it might be way off the mark. Feel free to ignore if it does not ring a bell for you.

But it might be that at base, you don't value yourself. You can't see any reason to do these basic things for yourself that you need. How is your self-care - doing things just for you? Do you treat yourself as well as you treat your loved-ones? I am betting not. Do you allow yourself to rest? Probably not. Do you give your body what it needs? No.

You can begin putting this right by doing little things for yourself on a regular basis that send a message to yourself that you value yourself. You are unhappy with this difficulty you feel because you know something is not right. Maybe a bit of counselling could help you discover why you are not valuing yourself. Good luck, and remember, you actually are worth the effort.

Big Bag of Chips

Scruffles wrote: »

big bag of chips,
a routine can actualy do the opposite for some people,especialy those whose brain functioning is dominated by the right side as people who are right side dominated tend to work better without having things built into a routine.

Sorry Scruffles, I suppose I more meant to make things "habit" rather than sticking to a routine. Routine is probably too rigid a word!

But everyone needs to get dressed, eat (healthily if possible) and tidy up after themselves.

So if the OP can get into the habit of doing things, rather than the habit of NOT doing them, as she is now, then life should become easier, and happier for her.

OP, good luck to you.. I'm a bit like you, and probably need to follow my own advice! I do try,though. I'm not as good as I'd like to be, but I'm better than I used to be!

mikemac1

If you have a good career then just hire a cleaner for a few hours a week. Doesn't cost all that much

Or...try and think what kind of person you are.
For example I'd be a morning person and can bounce out of bed and head for a run or gym realy early or go into work and accomplish lots.
But by four pm in work I'm flagging and by the time I get home I laze on the coach, no way would I do any cleaning or much activity at all

So what works for you OP?
If you find you work well in the morning then adjust your schedule

LegacyUser

Thank you to all! This thread has been remarkably helpful. I've taken to going to bed at a reasonable hour and laying my clothes out the night before. It's gone well so far.

Neuro-praxis, interesting point about not valuing myself... There may be some degree of truth in it, but I'm going to leave that as a different story for a different day. Taken on board, though.

I've contacted a lady about the cleaning.

I really appreciate all the input and welcome any more.

sporina

OP, i just had a quick read through your thread and there was one thing that stood out to me - the fact that you referred to each reply specifically addressing the posters username. You obviously are a people pleaser and and very considerate person. Perhaps as someone else has said, you spend so much of your time pleasing others that you are left with little or no energy to do things for yourself.

Do you do anything to relax? Like go for a walk, listen to music, read etc? Sounds like you need some "me" time. There seems to be a lack of balance in your life and this can really be unhealthy and manifest itself in many ways - inability to sleep = and so the cycle repeats itself.

I was reluctant to post this though as I could be completely wrong..

Take care of YOU though, x

shellyboo

What neuro-praxis said makes a lot of sense, to me too! It can be confusing to admit or accept that you have a low self-worth or sense of self-value, especially if you (like me) are highly functioning in other areas, career, family, and even personality-wise. I bet you're not lacking in confidence or self-esteem... as you say, nobody would ever guess that you struggle with self-care.

When you're a people-pleaser, the only person you can allow yourself to let down is yourself. The hard part is taking some of your time and energy away from someone/something else and gifting it to yourself, essentially. That's the battle.