Family Skipping Christmas

LegacyUser

This year my family will not be having Christmas.
It has been a terrible few years for everyone in my family, myself included. Earlier this year my boyfriend who was quite abusive committed suicide. We had a daughter together who is now only 18 months old. Needless to say I was devastated but I won't go into too much detail about all of that.
Both of my mothers parents have also passed away in quick succession, very recently. My mother was incredibly close to them, as were myself and my sisters. They were like a second set of parents to us.
My whole family is grieving and in terribly low spirits because of this and some other factors also. If fact the things I have mentioned are just the tip of the iceberg of stuff that has happened to my family.
I suffer from depression and I suspect that a few of my family members do as well, particularly my mother who is always stressed out and angry.
I am only 22 years old. My 3 older sisters are also in their twenties and my younger sister is in her late teens. I am the only one of the siblings who lives at home with the parents as I have nowhere else to go with my daughter.
We always have a big family Christmas but this year my mother does not want to do Christmas at all because she is not in the mood and is grieving. This means no tree, no presents, no Christmas dinner etc. My older sisters all agree with her. My younger sister has not voice an opinion.
This might sound weird, but I am devastated by this! Christmas was the one thing I was looking forward to, the one thing that has been keeping me going through all the depression and problems I have been having.
Saying this makes it sound as if I don't care that all these people belong to me/ us have died. But I do care, very much. I am as devastated as everyone else, maybe even more so as I lost my boyfriend too. I think without Christmas, my family is just going to be sitting around the house wallowing in grief and depression for the holidays. I now feel as if I have nothing to keep me going at all. I hope I don't sound selfish, but I honestly feel as though I have nothing to look forward to and keep me going at all now.
How do I get over the no Christmas thing?

Squiggler

There is so much more to Christmas than the dinner and presents... and there are many things that you (and your family) could do that don't involve sitting around moping.

Get together with friends and family and do fun things, go for long walks (wrapped up warm), read a book or three, spend the money you would have spent on presents for the others on something you'd really like - in a way it is a present from them. Maybe go to a carol service or christmas concert, go to church or mass (if you're a believer) and maybe light a candle for those who have died.

Could you offer to cook a dinner on Christmas day and invite everyone?

Dolbert

You poor thing, what an awful time you've been having! I'd be upset too.

Are you living at home or do you have your own place? If you have your own place, I'd suggest doing Christmas at yours, and inviting everyone - the ones who want to celebrate Christmas can come, and the ones who don't can stay put.

Edit: great minds Squiggler

Katgurl

The OP lives at home.

You poor thing.

It's not going to be a merry Christmas but you don't have to abandon it entirely, you are grieving too and need your family around you.

Talk to your sisters and arrange to cook dinner. Use your daughter as an excuse fir the tree / Santa.

Let them know you need them.

Your mum doesn't need to be bothered if she cannot bear it.

Best of luck, what a dreadful time for you.

I cant help but think that at times like that you need christmas more than ever. Anytime we had a bereavement in the family we kept christmas and appreciated its importance, as a way for a family to join together through tough times.

It doesn't have to be big and flashy, a simple tree and a nice dinner. Theres a child in the house who should be everyones focus at christmas, i agree with the poster who suggested you should speak to your sisters and ask them to come around to the idea. If you cant get them to change they're mind is there a friend or someone you and your child can go to for christmas? you deserve a nice christmas after the year you have had

ManOfMystery

Christmas can certainly be a sad time for families who have lost loved ones and are reminded of this emptiness in their lives by the empty chair at the table. I've a feeling this is what your mother is dreading, in whatever form it takes.

However, it's also a reminder that the people who are left are still here, and still together. And there's never a more opportune time for family to get together and be there to support each other.

Try speaking to your mother and remind her that no matter what you've all lost, you still have each other. No-one is alone. And that's reason enough to try and spend your Xmas together and be happy in each other's company.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here! Thanks for all your replies.

I'm not a materialistic person at all so no presents doesn't bother me one bit. We wouldn't have focused very much on presents anyway due to everyones financial situation.

I will still do santa for my little one of course, even though shes too young to get the whole Christmas thing yet! Maybe buying a small artificial tree wouldn't be a bad idea because I know my daughter would love it!

What I would worry about is if I cooked dinner and all that, my family would think that I don't care about what has happened. In reality though, I think that because I have been in a state of grief for longer than them, I have gotten so used to it. I can now function, and they cannot do this yet. This might make them believe that I am over what happened, which is not true at all.

Big Bag of Chips

Why not suggest to your parents that you have a much lower key Christmas day than usual. That everyone will help with dinner, allow her to take a break from cooking and cleaning up this year. And then include your grandparents in the day.

Take out pictures. Remember the happy times. Accept the sad times. Acknowledge that it's a hard time of year and not going to be easy... but ignoring it is not going to be easy, and it will make next year difficult too.

MadameGascar

You're family probably don't even want to imagine trying to be in any sort of festive mood, its very difficult to do when grieving. I don't think Christmas decorations are very nice to look at at all around the home after a loss of someone close.

However, you all owe it to yourselves to treat and look after yourselves well. You don't have to go along with the formalities of the season, but do try to mark it as a time where you will all be together as family and take care of each other. Maybe you and your sisters might cook a nice meal on Christmas day, you could give some nice presents other than the usual sets of body lotions, something more comforting? Try to arrange for everyone to watch a film together, but don't leave out the Roses.

Christmas is going to be miserable for you with or without doing the traditional stuff, so just take the time as an opportunity to look after yourself and enjoy the small things together.

Beruthiel

No xmas wrote: »

What I would worry about is if I cooked dinner and all that, my family would think that I don't care about what has happened.

In fairness OP, you all still need to eat!
So, just tell your mother that you'll be cooking a dinner on that day to save her the trouble.
Do a couple of courses. It does not need to be a turkey. Duck, chicken, fillet steak, fish.
A few candles on the table. A bottle of wine.
Some Ella Fitzgerald in the background.
Nobody could possibly hold it against you to make an effort like that.

SerialComplaint

Sorry to hear that you've had such a hard time recently. You've got some good suggestions above. If they don't work out, is there anyone else that you could spend Christmas with- friends or other family or even your ex's family maybe?