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Fathers Past haunting me

  • 06-12-2011 11:08pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hello,

    There's no easy way to talk about this so i'll just get to the points, years ago my father abused someone. I went through many phases over this the whatever phase, the angry I hate him phase, now in the should I ever talk to him phase and actually get upset over it. This probably doesn't make sense but its my way of describing it. The one phase I didn't talk about is my guilt phase. Basically I went to see a counsellor and was told I was carrying his guilt. I engaged in some behaviour when I was younger which my counsellor ensured me was just experimenting but I started to equate it to my fathers behaviour and was sure I was the worst person on the planet. I got through most of it, but it was a hellish journey and I even put myself in hospital because of it (No one knows the reason). Thing is there is still one thing I did when I was younger I can't forgive myself for and i'm afraid to tell anyone (I never hurt anyone or anything in case thats what your thinking). I've postponed doing things in life because they've been similar things he would have been interested in, hobbies and stuff. Wondering if anyone has dealt with something like this before any advice would be hugely appreciated. I'm in tears as I write this, I can't let this man ruin my life anymore.


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 716 ✭✭✭Reesy


    Hi OP,

    Fair play to you for typing this, it must have taken a lot.

    Maybe the best is to give us some idea of what it was that you did that you're so upset about, if you can do that without identifying yourself. Given that you didn't hurt anyone I'm thinking that maybe sharing & our feedback might give you some perspective on it.

    Hope you can find a way.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You've no idea !!!!!!!

    I basically did something most people do in private but on my siblings was in the bed beside me too.Awful hauh??? I honestly feel like i'm talking about a different person, how could I be so stupid.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,328 ✭✭✭cafecolour


    Kids do ridiculous stuff like that. I had a friend who was a teacher, and she once told me about having to send two different boys (like 14ish) to the office for '****' in class during film clips.

    I wouldn't worry about it being any indication you're 'imitating' your father. And sexual abusers are not made from genetics or hobbies. This is not some path where you'll go on some uncontrollable descent or end up doing it accidentally. You're conscious of it, it's not going to be something you'll do.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I was a few years older than 14 though


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,555 ✭✭✭Ave Sodalis


    I wouldn't worry about it too much OP, what's done is done, you can't change that.

    Since you can't forget it, have you apologised to the sibling in question and have they forgiven you?


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    sup_dude wrote: »
    I wouldn't worry about it too much OP, what's done is done, you can't change that.

    Since you can't forget it, have you apologised to the sibling in question and have they forgiven you?

    They wouldn't know anything about it ??


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,555 ✭✭✭Ave Sodalis


    Sorry, I thought they knew.

    Even still, what you did isn't the worst crime in the world, although I can see why you'd feel so bad about it. A counsellor isn't going to censure you for it, nor would it be considered unforgivable. Like I said, it's already done and you can't change it.
    As cafecolour said, it's no indication of you imitating your father. Perhaps, if you still go to a counsellor, bring it up with them. I can almost guarantee you that they won't judge you for it and they'd be the best to help you through with it.
    Best of luck! :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    See that's the thing I feel like it's the worst thing in the world, I don't know how i'll forgive myself. I've always prided myself on being a good person, i've gone above and beyond to help family members etc, doing charity work etc just wish I could make this go away. I feel like such a bad person.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,708 ✭✭✭curlzy


    You're not a bad person. You seem to have taken what your father did as a reflection on yourself. It's not. We are not our parents and there's no "abuser gene" so you're not a monster OP. I think you should go talk to a councellor again. With regards having a tommy tank in the same bed as your sleeping sibling, while not exactly classy, it's defo not the worst thing in the world, you thought they were asleep and had a bit of a fiddle. Again not the end of the world but you seem to think it is and that's why you could probably do with more councelling. You sound like you've been beating yourself up over this for a while, that's really bad for you. I really hope you have a chat with a professional and maybe they'll be able to help you see that you're not a bad person.

    best of luck.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,328 ✭✭✭cafecolour


    They wouldn't know anything about it ??

    So, you had a sly **** while your brother/sister was sleeping in bed with you? That's basically a non-issue. You weren't 'turned on' by their presence, you were trying to pretend they weren't there and just get the deed done (which is often a near overpowering instinct for a teenage male).

    Heck, given that only in recent times would kids have the luxury of separate bedrooms/beds, I'd say that would've been pretty common until recently.

    Honestly, on the scale of stupid/creepy **** teenage boys do, that barely even registers. This is all about your fears re: your father, and nothing to do with the act itself.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I'm a f so not sure if "tommy tanking" is the right term.Thanks so much everyone for all your replies, you honestly have no idea how much it means. Curlzy, I have been beating myself up for this for years. I was honestly terrified of reading the responses on here as I genuinely believed that people would be disgusted and think I was a horrible person. I just feel like crying, i'm sick of being racked with guilt and not feeling good about myself over this. I might go for counselling but might just have another read over these replies. The fact that no one on here seems to think i'm some sort of monster is like a ton that's been lifted from my shoulders.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 500 ✭✭✭The HorsesMouth


    cafecolour wrote: »
    So, you had a sly **** while your brother/sister was sleeping in bed with you? That's basically a non-issue. You weren't 'turned on' by their presence, you were trying to pretend they weren't there and just get the deed done (which is often a near overpowering instinct for a teenage male).

    Heck, given that only in recent times would kids have the luxury of separate bedrooms/beds, I'd say that would've been pretty common until recently.

    Honestly, on the scale of stupid/creepy **** teenage boys do, that barely even registers. This is all about your fears re: your father, and nothing to do with the act itself.


    Sorry but **** off with your brother or sister beside you in a bed is not a "non-issue". To be honest OP, it was a strange act yes but we all do wrong things when we are younger. The fact that no one knows about it (or will) is to your benefit...you are the only one who has to deal with it. And I agree with the rest of the posters here..counselling will help.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Sorry but **** off with your brother or sister beside you in a bed is not a "non-issue". To be honest OP, it was a strange act yes but we all do wrong things when we are younger. The fact that no one knows about it (or will) is to your benefit...you are the only one who has to deal with it. And I agree with the rest of the posters here..counselling will help.


    It's not a benefit it doesn't make the torture I put myself through any easier. I'm not happy to go through life thinking i've done something awful. That's not the kind of person I am and its not how I want to live my life.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Expeimenting with sexuality at a young age is NOT abnormal. Some do, some don't. You are torturing yourself ove an act you did - that did not hurt anyone - as a child.

    Let it go, for God's sake.

    I hope you aren't equating this with paedaphilia or something because it isn't. The fact you are still tortured is a clear indication that you are not a bad person.

    Let it go, you were a child. Move on, let it go. Sounds like you have tormented yourself enough.

    I kind of feel like it was maybe on par or something. I don't know how to let go and forgive myself but I know I need too, I've tortured myself for years over this.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 500 ✭✭✭The HorsesMouth


    [/B]

    It's not a benefit it doesn't make the torture I put myself through any easier. I'm not happy to go through life thinking i've done something awful. That's not the kind of person I am and its not how I want to live my life.

    What I mean when I say benefit is..look at it this way.You dont have the added burden of knowing you have effected someone else by your actions,you only have to concentrate on yourself and forgive yourself for what you did.It was just a stupid act and Im sure there was absolutly nothing to it. You need to forgive yourself and let it go. Life is too short to to focus on things that you are powerless to change.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    What age were you when this happened though? I think that's a factor here. You said you were "a few years older than 14". If you were 21 at the time, I would find this a little disturbing.

    Was the fact that your sibling was next to you at the time a turn-on for you? Were you thinking about your sibling as you did it? Or was it just an urge that you chose to get rid of, right there and then, without much thought going into it?

    I think all of the above are relevant factors..


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    adfasdfad wrote: »
    What age were you when this happened though? I think that's a factor here. You said you were "a few years older than 14". If you were 21 at the time, I would find this a little disturbing.

    Was the fact that your sibling was next to you at the time a turn-on for you? Were you thinking about your sibling as you did it? Or was it just an urge that you chose to get rid of, right there and then, without much thought going into it?

    I think all of the above are relevant factors..

    Of course it was nothing to do with my sibling, that's bloody sick for god sake. Can't believe you'd even ask that. I was a teenager.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You have to stop this and deal with it one way or the other.

    Go speak to a counsellor and you will find, I am sure, great comfort in knowing that teenagers' hormones are all over the place and experimenting etc is very common.

    No-one died, did they?

    I think there may be more at play here though. Are you a nervous/anxious type of person anyway? I am just wondering why you are fixating so much on something that happened a long time ago and why you seem unwilling to move on from it.

    It seems as if you feel you deserve this torture so haven't sought out finding out that what you did is forgivable.

    Posting on here saying 'I am tortured' is not the answer - doing something to alleviate that pent-up guilt is.

    Thanks Sunflower, i've always been the type of person who would have a very large conscience. The anxiety around the stuff with my father snowballed I guess. It's a huge comfort to me the replies on here from people that they don't think i'm horrible. That will help me loads i'm going to keep reading them everytime I feel bad, I think that alone will help me loads.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi I see you've been getting mixed views, well, from someone who masturbated from a very young age...and also female, let me tell you, that it is probably just guilt you're feeling. I have no idea of your background but mine is Roman catholic and for a woman who had 7 children you'd swear my Mother never had sex in her life. To make it worse she caught me "at it" when I was only about 7. I am not joking, she did, I didn't even know what I was doing at the time except that it excited me, but she told me I was "dirty" and bathed me afterwards and it stuck with me right up to now in later life, I have "confessed" my sins to a counsellor also, who made me realise that it was my Mother's guilt and "dirty" feelings she projected onto me, and that I was doing something natural and not at all "wrong", it was just seen as "wrong" by someone who can't accept their own feelings. I am not saying let's all get in bed beside our siblings and masturbate. I am saying think about yoru situation, are you rhuminating over something from so far back in the past that it is twisting your life into something it shouldn't be doing, or are you having current issues with your sexual behaviour? Masturbation is fine so long as it's private, now that you're and adult and know that. You need to move on and forgive yourself if you don't engage in behaviours which don't affect anyone any more. You have but one life, so stop looking back with regrets, you've learned something, now...NEXT!! That's my advice and I mean it seriously, I spent way too long feeling guilty for something a grown up with no way of handlng the situation held me "responsible" for, when they should have told me it was natural but only in private and not that I was a dirty horrible human being...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,427 ✭✭✭Morag


    Don't use the comments of strangers on the internet to try and help with this.
    Go to your GP and get a referral to see someone in a professional capacity and talk about it all. Get real help.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Sharrow wrote: »
    Go to your GP and get a referral to see someone in a professional capacity and talk about it all. Get real help.

    This - and with that, I'm going to lock this thread.

    All the very best OP.


This discussion has been closed.
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