Too much male attention from friend in relationship??

rainbows7

I know this guy who is in his late 30's. He is lovely, has a girlfriend with a few years. She is never out with him. When I'm out I often run into him, and it's like he has all the time in the world for me, wants to know everything going on in my life.
Main reason why I'm writing this ...I just don't know how to get rid of him once I bump into him. He's like a magnet that won't go away and leave me alone. He could stand beside me for 1.5 hrs of the night!
I'm the type of girl that doesn't want to be rude to a guy or throw the fake "Oh I'll be back must go the toilet" or "the bar"... more so when it's usually a small pub we're in and my friends aren't far away as he would see I was lying or I might feel I'd have to return to his company if I had left for a moment as he's standing there like he's waiting for me.... My friends could be in deep convos with others when I'm just standing there and he pounces. I feel he is ruining my chances of meeting someone. He text me the last time I met him out to tell me is he gone home and good night followed by kisses, which he hasn't done before. I now just feel like calling him a leech..........HELP?? How do I shorten conversations with certain people? It's a skill I tend to lack in general.
Maybe I just have to be rude?? Or is there a nice way? I'm at a point where I can't stand meeting him.....

A0

Each time you meet him, pretend to go to the toilets and leave the place from the back door... that's it!
After a few times, I'm sure he'll understand and won't talk to you

rainbows7

A0 wrote: »

Each time you meet him, pretend to go to the toilets and leave the place from the back door... that's it!
After a few times, I'm sure he'll understand and won't talk to you

but I don't want to have to leave a particular pub I choose to be in because of him. It's usually the late bar I meet him in....

I am a friend

Is he out in the late bar on his own?

rainbows7

No. He is usually only with one male friend but they just tend to stand there saying little only watching people as I guess a lot of people do when out, or mainly men. Sigh...

cafecolour

When in conversation, give short, non-informative answers, and don't ask any questions in return. That normally gets the idea across.

If he won't leave, you can say "I'm going to the toilet/bar. See you later." Then you go to the toilet, and when you return you make a beeline and start talking to another friend. If you don't say "I'll be right back", then it's not a lie.

This is assuming he knows other people there. If you're the only person he knows in the late bar, it's going to be more difficult, and he's not really a lech. Then perhaps introduce him to some other people you know.

LegacyUser

Well, I find that with people who bore me, the conversation peters out of its own accord.

You must be engaging him in some way; as in listening to his stories or taking an interest in what he's saying.

To shorten conversations keep looking around. Most communication is non-verbal so when he's talking to you, show physical signs of disinterest. Or just look bored.

Look around every time you sip your drink. Look towards the door when it opens. Look over his shoulder at guys as they walk by (this I do which I shouldn't when I'm meant to be listening to someone) - the person will automatically look around to see who you're looking at. It creates distraction and a chance to bail.

Don't start any conversations..... so basically you just communicate through "yah.... uh huh" and nods.

Don't give any opinions.

He'll move away.

If he's going to the bar move into where your friends are, away from where you were standing and engage with them. Then close ranks.

Maybe he's just looking for someone to chat to and you're a chatty person and his friend's a bore.

Another good one is that every time you see someone you know behind them (especially guys), greet them with a big "hey X, how are you?" Let your eyes open wide and give them a big smile, engage with them for a while and then if he doesn't bugger off then, you bugger off and leave the two lads to have an awkward chat".... "back in a minute and walk over to talk to your mates.

Or say something along the lines of:

"well, great to catch up with you.... I'm on the hunt for a fella and I'm not going to find one standing here chatting to you (smile)... I'm heading back to chat to the girls to work out our tactics. See you around"

Reesy

Hi OP,

As you're not interested in a relationship, I suggest you tell him straight. Get him on his own, sober, and explain that you just want to make it clear that you're not interested in a relationship & you'd like some space. Maybe say too that you're a bit embarrassed at all the attention he gives you. You might need to repeat the message & be ready for him to go off in a huff, too.

Good luck.

greenprincess

after a brief chat just say, well i'm headed back to the girls have a good night.

S23

Total non-issue IMO. Simply say 'well it was nice catching up I better go back to Bob/Sue/Jim/Anita whoever....' and go back to your friends.

Just act like an adult. No need to be rude or have any confrontational conversation with him about not wanting a relationship with him

He comes over and chats to you when he sees you out. You reciprocate (as far as he is concerned) by being more than willing to stand there yakking to him all night. He hasn't tried to put any kind of move on you in a romantic/sexual sense. I don't see he's done anything wrong or done anything lecherous.

There are plenty of friends I might run into that I'd chat away to for an hour if I bumped into them. If someone has to go back to the crowd/circle of friends they are with that's fine and dandy.

This is something out of nothing. If you don't want to talk to him for more than 5 minutes then don't. No need to be rude or impolite or imply he's trying to chat you up. He's talking to you because you talk to him back simple as that.

You both sounds like wallflowers to be honest and I don't mean that in a harsh way. You can't seem to shake him off and go back to your friends (or join in the conversations they may be having) and he is happy to cling on to you as you reciprocate.

rainbows7

Thanks for all the great yet simple obvious advice.

S23 thanks for your honesty and yes I agree-I'm allowing it to happen.

I just need to be more direct with him and exit a lot quicker!

A0

hazel111 wrote: »

Thanks for all the great yet simple obvious advice.

S23 thanks for your honesty and yes I agree-I'm allowing it to happen.

I just need to be more direct with him and exit a lot quicker!

True! Straightforwardness - Upfrontness are the ways to go, as always

I am a friend

I dont think he has any romantic interest... He is just a bore who cant be bothered to mix and sees you as easy company on a night out... I hate getting stuck with people like him so have started to use tactics as outlined above... be polite but dont get caught.

S23

I really don't see the need to engage in any of the 'tactics' mentioned. This notion of looking bored, ignoring him when he's speaking to you by looking around the room, making up excuses to leave his company and trying to ditch him with someone else are, quite frankly, juvenile and ridiculous. I'd expect that kind of carry on from a 16 year old but not an adult.

All you have to do, as you seem to know, is be assertive without getting caught up in any of the silly carry on. "Nice talking to you, I'm going back to the girls/boys/girls and boys now, take care and have a good night" is all thats needed. No tactics. No lies. No rudeness. Just the simple truth.

Beruthiel

hazel111 wrote: »

I feel he is ruining my chances of meeting someone.

Why can't you just be straight with him?

Listen Bob, great to see you, have a great night. I'm going over there ---> cos I'm on the pull and you're ruining all my chances.
Byebye.

floorpie

Eh i think that there are a few conflicting emotions in the OP's post, which wont help with resolving it.

He's lovely -> He's a leech

He listens to everything i have to say, has all the time in the world for me -> How do i shorten conversations with people

He's ruining my chances of meeting someone -> He's never sent kisses in a text until now/His girlfriend is never out with him.

Make up your mind! Some guys (myself included, probably) sometimes misinterpret friendliness as being more than just friendliness, and it sounds like either: he's misinterpreting things and you're aware of it and don't like it, or else you're not sure how he's interpreting things and you don't like not knowing. So if you *don't* want him to misinterpret things, don't give him anything to misinterpret. That doesn't mean you have to be rude, or come up with some sort of plan of attack, just don't...converse as much :S It seems to me like you'd have done this already if it were that simple (and it is that simple), except you're still feeling him out for whatever reason. But like you say, he's hindering your chances of meeting someone, so ye'd wanna get a bit more ballsy and resolved about the whole thing.

LighterGuy

So ...

- When he sees you on a night out he is all around you & talking on for ages.
- although he has a girlfriend he texts you alot and also sent a suggestive text with kisses.

Sounds to me like he is coming onto you. Girlfriend or no girlfriend. But that doesnt quite matter I guess. You're just going to be firm with him. As another user said. Send him the message. You'll still be doing it in a nice way.

If he doesnt cop onto to it? ... You may just have to be rude.