I want to change my life!

LegacyUser

I don’t know what to do but I feel miserable in my life. I have a wonderful husband and a gorgeous little 2 year old boy and I treat them both like crap. I’m angry all the time and I shout my head off about everything. My little boy must be so terrified of me.
To give you a brief history, we tried for many years to have our baby. We went through 2 miscarriages and a lot of surgery and treatment before the miracle finally happened. Throughout these years we had many other difficult situations to deal with too – each of us had a parent who died and my other parent became terminally ill. Then when our baby arrived, I thought everything would feel better and life would be complete but it seemed to go downhill. I felt nothing for my baby and I went through 12-18 months of hell, on happy pills and in counselling. Things improved and I felt love for him but I still find parenting very difficult. When I drop him to the childminder in the morning I feel glad to hand over responsibility for the day, but when I’m at work, I’m just wishing I was with my little boy!
My husband has been my rock through life. He was always so supportive in the years we were trying to have our baby. And through all the heartache since our little boy was born, my husband has once again been amazing.
But I feel I treat him so badly – I can’t understand why he would want to be with me. I take out all my frustrations about parenting on him, because he sees parenting very differently to me. He is very soft and doesn’t discipline often whereas I feel like I spend all my time giving out about one thing or another and shouting orders. To be honest, I think we should both be a little more like the other – if you know what I mean. But I don’t make time for us as a couple – I’m not interested in sex and we can’t even have a night out together because the cost of dinner/cinema and a babysitter is just too much at the moment. So we spend most nights looking at the tv and barely speaking. I feel fat and horrible – even though I lost 3 stone last year. I have put a stone of that back on recently and can’t motivate myself to get healthy again.

We have financial troubles (like everyone) even though we are both lucky enough to be working full time – the fact is we both earn low wages. Relatively speaking, it’s not too serious (we won’t end up homeless) but we are not bringing home as much money as we need to cover mortgage/childcare/bills and food etc and we have a credit card bill of €2k. This is adding to my anger and bad moods. I am miserable at work because we are having more and more work dumped on us and no support. My colleague is a fat lazy pig who makes smart remarks constantly and I am stuck in an office with him all day. I want to apply for promotion so I need to keep my mouth shut and put up with it for another while. My best friend is moving to the other side of the world and I know I’m going to miss her so much.

I suppose I just feel like everything is difficult and we never get a break – I selfishly just want life to be easy but after everything we’ve been through I know that life is not easy. So what can I do to motivate myself to change? How can I make life better for my husband and my little boy as well as for myself? Please don’t tell me to see a GP or go to counselling – I’ve had my fill of the medical profession for a while!

Miss Fluff

Misery Guts wrote: »

So what can I do to motivate myself to change? How can I make life better for my husband and my little boy as well as for myself? Please don’t tell me to see a GP or go to counselling – I’ve had my fill of the medical profession for a while!

I think you really need to reassess that notion hon. PND can last for a number of years and can recur at any time, even after successful treatment. Would you not go back to a different GP if you feel you've come to the end of the road with your current one?

Have a read of this, I think it summarises things quite well

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/ate/depression/205196.html

I am a friend

Misery Guts wrote: »

I have a wonderful husband and a gorgeous little 2 year old boy and I treat them both like crap.

I’m angry all the time and I shout my head off about everything. My little boy must be so terrified of me.

So what gives you the right to treat your family like crap??? I am annoyed for them.... You are not willing to see medical help so you need to take control of yourself. Shame on you for scaring a two year old and not being willing to do anything and EVERYTHING to fix that behaviour.

You have had hardship but a lot of people have had similar (or worse) hardship so get off your pity pot and take action to make your son and husbands lives more pleasurable and not a misery.

Do you exercise, eat healthily etc? If not then thats the first port of call (as you wont go to the doctor) and see if your humour improves. You also need to realise how lucky you are that you have a job, family, child etc.

LegacyUser

Hey there,

I kinda know what you mean cause like you I've struggled for years to get pregnant. Now I finally am, and there's this weird 'survivor's guilt' about it... also it's impossible to go through all that and not have some residual anger. All that treatment and waiting and disappointment leaves it's mark on you as a person. But now is the time to deal with that and move on.

It also sounds like you're still coping with the after effects of PND. Like poster above, I agree that you really need to talk to a counsellor - nothing medical about it. Sounds like you've no life beyond work/home. What about hobbies? They can be cheap and a great outlet. For years you probably fixated on a baby to complete your life, but a well rounded life needs more. Sometimes having something outside the relationship can help you value the relationship more too. Try Accord for counselling if money is tight. That's relationship work, but they can help you too.

Good luck.

Danniboo

Firstly i'd suggest you stop screaming and giving "orders" to a 2 year old, for god sake what orders could you possibly be giving to a 2 year old ???? I know PND is a terrible thing, but it does not excuse you or give you the right to scream abuse at your child like this. Perhaps you need to get a family member to help you out you're obviously not coping.

Oryx

OP, ease up on yourself. Youve had years of stress, naturally you are feeling the effects. And whether treasured or not, kids are hard work and every honest parent out there will tell you you do have moments when it feels like steam will come out of your ears. All the rules can go out the window at those times, no matter how much you dont want to lose your temper. At those times, when you think youll go off on one on your child, when possible, you need to let your husband take over the parenting. Dont feel guilty about that, its just giving you the space to calm down. For instance in my house, my husband does mealtimes, because I havent the patience to cajole my two into eating their spuds. It drives me mental.

You need to start turning your thinking around. Right now (and I know your post was a rant and a bit of a release but still) everything is negative. I'm not/ we cant/ Im fat / I'm selfish / Im miserable. Stop seeing yourself like that for a start. Youre a good mother, you care for your childs welfare. You lost 3 stone, you are not overweight now. You love your husband, you appreciate your life. You said all that in your post above. You know those positives are there, stop letting the negatives blot them out.

You are angry, and recognise that. Accept it and know you have a right to be. Life has sucked. I find the more I try to deny anger, the more it erupts like you say, in bursts at the wrong people. So let it out, not AT people but to people. Tell your husband when stuff is bothering you, share that. Youre not giving him a hard time, your letting him into your headspace, instead of him wondering where the sudden temper flares come from.

Like I already said, give yourself a break. Raising a toddler is bloody hard work. Especially when dealing with all your other stresses. Find some small way in your own home that you can relax. For you that could be a book, a foot rub, a slushy film, a walk, yoga, meditation, jogging, anything, as long as it is time that is yours alone that you will enjoy. Dont add extra pressure on yourself to have the perfect home and shiny floors, everyone around you would rather have a smiling you. Make things easier in simple ways, you have enough stress. You cant take a holiday, so do smaller things for yourself.

Deus Ex Machina

tl;dr

LegacyUser

Op Here. Thanks for the replies.
Oryx - you have really made me look at things differently - the impact of your post has been enormous and very helpful.
Mods - please close this thread now.