stupid crush. should know better

crusherdec11

I’m not sure why I’m posting this because I already know the answer. Maybe seeing advice from other people will help me cop onto myself.

I'm a woman in my late 30s and have never had a proper boyfriend. I've had sporadic attention from men over the years but I now think I'm well and truly left on the shelf. I'm too old to have a family so I'm not a viable option for men of my own age who are still looking for a wife and kids. Besides, I think all the good men are gone so no point. I'm no longer bothering to socialise. It's about 6 years since I last had sex and even that was a one night stand. I don't enjoy pubs and am hopelessly inept when it comes to meeting men. I only have a handful of actual friends but I only get to see one on a semi-regular basis. The others are either loved up, married with kids or too far away. I have a job but the future in it is uncertain and I think I may have to move elsewhere in time. So I'm feeling like I'm just passing through the town I live in and a part of me doesn't want to tie myself down just in case I have to move. This of course is a joke because my chances of having a boyfriend are slim to zero. To wind this part up, I think it's safe to say I'm lonely and a bit unhappy. I'm also aware that I'm overweight - not morbidly obese or anything but I'd be a size 16 to 18. I feel unattractive and comfort eat because I'm lonely. I just don't feel attractive and I now realise I should have taken better care of my appearance in my twenties and forced myself to go out.I missed the boat.

On to why I'm posting this. I was a regular poster on another message board which is smaller than boards and has more of a community feel to it. A few years ago I got a PM from a man who also posted on it. Over time we've become friends. We've got tons of things in common despite the age difference (he's 15 years older) and have sent thousands of emails. We sometimes Skype or chat on the phone (he lives in the UK) and have occasionally confided in each other about personal matters. In short, I consider him to be a friend even if we have never met.

What's dawned on me is that I've developed a crush on this man. It really makes no sense because he's older than me, lives abroad and has never acted as if he fancies me. He's also seeing someone though he has confided in me that he's not sure if it's ever going to go anywhere. I now find myself becoming jealous when he mentions his girlfriend and I keep hoping that they'll be splitting up again (it has happened once). Naturally if he mentions her, I make the right noises even though I wish she'd dump him. My heart skips a beat when I get an email or occasional text from him. I've found myself rushing home to be at the computer around the times that we email. It's not as if he's doing the same. Occasionally things hot up between him and his girlfriend so I'll only get an email every couple of days.

I don't want to cut him out of my life because I enjoy his online company. I think that if things ever improve for him and his girlfriend, I'll not be hearing from him so much. It's just me and my stupid heart. I think I am idealizing him because he's a man and he's paying me attention. That has very rarely happened in my life. I'm lonely too and our emails act as a sticking plaster over the emptiness in my life.

silly

Can you tell him?
Age is only a number btw.