Don't know what to do

LegacyUser

I've a problem with my other half in the past while, and more and more I just feel that things won't change and I don't know if I love him anymore. There are constant fights and I feel that he doesn't repect me. If I challange him on this he says I'm over reacting. With the way the country is we've had to move for work, and luckily we both have jobs. I wasn't comfortable with moving, but there wasn't really much option as he'd be unemployed, but it means he works very long hours (which he has some control over) but feels its best to put his back into it and get on with it. This is a good thing and I respect him for this. But I can't help being lonely and find it difficult from time to time being alone and not really having friends where we are.
Any time I have tried to share my feelings with him he said I was being selfish and making it even more difficult on him, because he was working very hard for US. Now I thought long and hard about even sharing with him in the first place, but I thought that it might be better if he knew I was struggling a bit, and that he might lend a shoulder to cry on. I knew things wouldn't change and that yes we are very lucky to have jobs. But it was more of a slap in the face than anything, now it's even worse because on top of trying to deal with my emotions, I also know that I am totally alone. I wish he could have just shown a bit of compasion, something more along the lines of "I know its tough but we will get through it together..."
As I said I didn't want to live here but did try to make an effort when I was on maternity leave to make friends. I made some but none really that I could call in on, just friendly with them from different groups, and if I seen them there they would go to coffee / lunch after the group. Now all I can think of is that I want to move home, I am really miserable here.
As for him, we'll he made it clear too that he wouldn't be moving, even if he worked hard for a few years and if the jobs situation changed again it wouldn't seem to be an option for us. I really think the next time we have an argument that I might end up leaving him anyway, it really feels that he doesn't care about me at all, and I hate the thoughts that I'd live my life being direspected and at times bullied (emotionally) by him. Only thing is, I'd feck up our little one's life by not having a father figure around, I don't know how it would work out? I was from a single parent family, but he was never around, so although I did wonder / miss what it might have been like, I wasn't removed from a situtation where he had been there for a while or anything.
Other things that stick out in my mind is that when we argue he has to raise his voice, and I don't like that. I especially don't like it in front of our little one, and I ask him not to do it in front of the LO. As well as that he is more often than not moody or in a bad mood or negative in some way. I know this didn't just happen over night and I have probably been turning a blind eye to this, and blaming other factors, so in a way it is my own fault that I have let myself get into this situation.

Am I totally selfish? I know we are lucky jobs wise, but I just feel let down by him.
Is it better to stay, even if your only staying for the little one? Or would it be worse to split up a family unit.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply, I feel can't really open up to strangers. I just know them from going to groups for a few months, I've more or less lost contact with them since going back to work. You really don't want to be getting to know new people and just unload all your troubles on them.
I'm here 2 years now, so its not as if its just a whim. I'm very unhappy and feel very alone.

LegacyUser

Thanks sunflower, you don't know that even just seeing someone answering my thread is a relief, even though I'm bawling again now.

Miss Fluff

Two things that are glaringly obvious from your post OP.

You and your husband are clearly not communicating at all. It's so bad in fact you might as well be speaking entirely different languages. Is every single bit of discourse filled with recrimination and anger?

You seem to entirely blame him for not settling in to your new place. I don't think that's fair. Seems like he is busting a gut to provide for the family while you're berating him for hating the place.

Have you both actually tried to sit down and say how you are both actually feeling without playing the blame game?

LegacyUser

Ok, well I did ask the question am I being selfish. So these questions you ask Miss Fluff are exactly what I need. Its hard to be objective when you feel stuck in a rut.

I'm going to try and answer you so that I can try and progress, but I don't understand this question, can you word it differently for me please?
"Is every single bit of discourse filled with recrimination and anger?"
(I'm presuming you mean is every argument full of blame and finger pointing?) If that is the question, then yes it turns that way. If I want to say something to him it takes days of phrasing it and re-phrasing it in my head until I have something that I think won't hurt him and won't make him shout or blow the top. Most things don't pan out that way and you blurt something out, it seems to him like a personal attack and he shouts, or the latest thing to even anything minor - like he was helping tidying up and put the dirty baby clothes on the kitchen table, instead of in the changing room. If I had blatantly left something lying around like that I'd know about it. I went to pull him up on this, and just asked that in future put them in the changing room. He rambled on at me, and then said to "Get away from him, just get away".

You seem to entirely blame him for not settling in to your new place. I don't think that's fair. Seems like he is busting a gut to provide for the family while you're berating him for hating the place.
I am not totally blaming him for not settling into the new place, I said in my OP that I tried to tell him that I was struggling and I got more or less a slap in the face for "feeling sorry for myself", I tried more than once to broach the subject and I kept getting shot down for being selfish. I was trying not to be selfish but I had to tell someone how upset I felt, instead I ended up bottling it up, when all I wanted was a sympathetic ear, a pat on the back, a shoulder to cry on, and then to move forward together. So the so-called partnership from then on turned to ME and HIM. I just struggled on and tried to put bad or sad thoughts out of my head. I even wake up suddenly thinking "Am I dead?" or "Is this FOREVER" and these went on for a while, and have started again recently.
Even when talking to a PHN about breastfeeding (on the phone) I was emotional, and she started going down the PND route asking me questions. She wasn't my PHN I just was given her number as a contact as a lactation consultant. I knew she was worried that I had PND, but I knew it was more related to my other constant worries. A stand in GP also noted some worries about PND around my 6 week check, but I told her I would manage, and she said to come back in if I wanted to start some meds...

Have you both actually tried to sit down and say how you are both actually feeling without playing the blame game?
Well as I said above, yes I tried to say that I was finding it tough, but it goes no where. I'm used to bottling it up now and then eventually I cry and spend a few days moping around, and then try to talk myself into pulling myself together again. He barely notices that there is anything the matter. If I could share it instead of trying to deal with it alone it probably wouldn't seem as bad, your head makes things worse when your alone.
Where would I start now, even if I just start off a conversation, it's usually "Oh not this again." How do I start talking, or even showing him that it isn't all rosie. He doesn't seem to want to know. I don't know what to say to him? If he'd admit that he recognises a problem and wants to talk with me and help us get through it, it would be a start...

As well as that, it isn't all about not wanting to be here, its also a lot to do with the way he treats me. Like any little argument, it feels like he talks down to me. Like my example earlier "Get away from me". It's like an annoyed adult would say to a child - get out of my sight.
I have asked him before (a few times) not to shout in front of the little one, but he continues. People argue and that is fine, but it is becoming more often and it always seems like he is right and I should just shut up and put up.
To top it off, he has his family nearby and calls in on them every day, he is always ready to leg it over to them, and when he collects LO from creche he also goes over there. It just feels like they are his family and I am not considered to be. It will always be them before me. It is rubbing my nose in it more so because I don't have the luxury of being able to visit mine at the drop of a hat. Although now they (my side) are involved in looking after LO a couple of days a week, but I'm at work so it still means that I don't benefit very much from it on an emotional level. I am always going to have a strong bond with my mum, and I knew it would be difficult being far from her. But I thought that I'd have him there to back me up when the chips were down, I don't think I would have moved if I had known I'd feel so alone. I didn't want to feel like a single mother in a different county, I could do that perfectly fine back home.
Yes that is selfish of me maybe, when I know that he is breaking his back trying to support us, but I am working too. As I keep saying I'm married to him, I didn't think I'd be married and feel alone. I need some gentle way of tip toeing around him and yet get to talk to him at the same time.

LegacyUser

It sounds like you are genuinely unhappy and him working hard is no excuse for him to ignore this. If you have genuinely tried to talk to him and he hasn't sat down to sort it like a mature adult then you need to take yourself out of the situation at least for a while and give him the kick he needs. It seems like the only way to deal with him is to write him a letter detailing the depth of your unhappiness, that you don't blame him for it but can't put up with the lack of support. I'm not sure if your in a situation to move home for a while with your job but I really think at this stage you have to make some decisive action because this is going nowhere at present. If you cant move home or wherever at the moment i suggest you go to a counsellor and talk this out, and do not approach you husband. Distance yourself from him and soon he will be wondering what's going on. He has shown you a total lack of empathy or caring and you need to find that elsewhere right now. I know this will worry you with your child but believe me they can sense when their parents are unhappy, Im not sure how old your child is but I grew up in a home where my parents constantly fought or tip toed round each other and even back then I'd wished they'd have split up instead!

LegacyUser

Thanks lmjm and sunflower - I did try the letter thing already too, he does read it but he only changes his attitude for a while, until the next argument and then it is back to the way it was. From writing here, I realise that there is more to it than me just wanting to go home, it stems more from his general bad humour and bad/negative attitude to most things. You know last night he was in good form and this lifted my spirts a bit, so you can imagine if someone is always making life difficult for you, you kinda get dragged down in all that and I suppose I had problems with moving in the first place so now I want to just return there and get out of the situation. I am normally a happy go lucky person, believe it or not!

To be honest I have really more or less decided over the last few days that I think after Christmas I am going to leave, go home for a week or two and tell him why. I think once I'm there though it will take a lot for him to win me back. I know that my family will back me, and might be reluctant to let me make the same mistakes twice. I expressed doubts about moving before it happened and I was told to think hard about it and make sure I was happy. I convinced myself that I was happy and we would make it work.
I do know now that this is really stupid, but hind sight (sp?) is a great thing

My biggest dilemma is between staying and having constant fighting in front of our child. Which is not an option, I hate this and I want to protect them from that kind of family life. But the alternative is to bring them up without their father, and the distance thing would mean weekend access only, and I would consider that I need access some weekends too so then your talking about fortnightly access or 2 out of 3 weekends with him, or whatever.
Now I know what it's like I came from a 1 parent family but I was never caught between two families, there was only ever my mum. So I worry about how, if this happened, would it work out for our child and their emotions as they grow up.

I suppose in summary I want my child to be happy and I want to do my very best for them. But really if I'm not happy then that will impact on them too.

I'm thinking ahead of going down the moving home route for a while, and I think that if he is left to think about the consequences for a while, and if he still wants me to come back and work things out, then maybe we should go to counselling together before I move back.
It is a very big step to just leave him, even if it is just to give him a wake up call, but I think if I went back and things weren't working out again, it would be an even bigger step to do it again.

Thanks for all the support and questions you have made me ask myself. I still don't know if it is the right thing to do but I can't go on the way I am anyway. I just want to limit the emotional damage on my child as much as I can. If it was just me I'd be gone by now, unfortunately I was foolish and rushed into things, and now I have someone else to think about too. I wouldn't change that for the world now obviously but I hate thinking that I'm the reason for the way their live will turn out.