The coming-out that dare not speak its name...

bodice ripper

There are gillions of threads on here on the issue, difficulties, practicalities and emotional impact of coming out but not like this.


I have just turned thirty. I was in a long term relationship since I was 17. It ended a few months ago. And now I have to deal with what is, for all intents and purposes, coming out to friends and family as straight.

I am bisexual and female (I have described some of the problems associated with that and my relationship on here a few times before...). I am sure I am bisexual; of that there is no doubt. However I do generally have a preference for men. It in no way diminished nor ever made me question the all consuming love I had and have for my now exgirlfriend; but women that I can feel that way about are just thin on the ground. Some of the qualities that are essential for me to love some one that way are IMO fairly rare in women.

So I am now thrust into a situation where I am, for the first time in my adult life, single. She was my first love, and I have absolutely no experience with interacting sexually with other people. I don't know how to flirt with, approach, read, or carry myself around a member of the opposite sex that I find attractive. It is like waking up one day and you are 16. It is incredibly embarrassing at thirty to have only a theoretical grasp of the basic mechanics of straight sex.

One thing that I have hand a very hard time articulating to my close friends is how alien the idea of sexually interacting with men actually is to me. I suppose for their part they have grown up being accustomed to the idea that it is completely normal. I on the other hand grew up with everyone around me assuming I was gay - from a fairly young age. For a time I believed I was gay and that it was merely wishful thinking to feel I was bisexual; I mean it seemed ultra clear to everyone around me that I was gay, right?. Even once I said I was bi, from a friends and family point of view I was still gay as I was in a very long term relationship. Being gay was the norm in my life, the way finding a nice boyfriend who comes to dinner with your family eventually is normal to other people.

Some of my friends are having a hard time dealing with me now, I think. Or perhaps I am having a hard time dealing with them. The shift in the dynamic between myself and my male friends is palpable. I was always, much to my annoyance, one of the lads. I would go so far as to say I was more one of the lads than some of the lads themselves. It would seem that years of my insisting that I was a girl carried no weight, but being a single straight girl did. Which is not to say that everyone is crazy hitting on me - if anything some of them seem a lot more guarded in their dealings with me.

My family are clearly uncomfortable when I mention anything to do with me and men. Not explicit things now, they will just change the subject very quickly rather than let the conversation continue. Some of them have openly told me this is a phase and I will grow out of it or that the break up has just put me off of women a bit and i just need to find the right girl.


anyway, no doubt some of you reading this will think that I am in some way undermining the trauma of "really coming-out", but it seems to me that most of what I just described is strikingly similar to the coming out stories that pop up here all the time.

Does anyone else here have any experience with this? I feel like such an awkward idiot and everyone else is in the know.

wonderfulname

I haven't experienced it, but recently I did realise I was going to turn 21 and not have the foggiest idea of how grown ups meet people, I've been going out with my girlfriend since I was 16 so I've completely missed that particular learning curve.

I can't imagine what would happen with her if we broke up, a huge portion of our friends and acquaintances have only ever known us as a couple at this stage, I'd say most of them think she's gay... I'm sure the same is true for you with the couple thing, and regardless of the sexuality issues surrounding any of this I figure it would be odd for people to hear you talking about you and anyone other than your ex.

Along the same vein with old friends I'm one of the lads, and for no reason other than I'm going out with someone who's more one of the girls than I, so when couples split off to chat on a night out or whatever I mostly find myself with all of them. I can imagine that without that element to the group dynamic it would suddenly be a bit weird hanging out with them instead of the girls.

Interesting topic, ties in with the biphobia thread going elsewhere, I figure a lot of what your dealing with is down to peoples love of binary.

Kanoe

I kinda did that the opposite way round. It was like being 16 all over again and it took me a while (and a fair bit of alcohol) to find my comfy space and become familiar with the dynamics of being around women. Which tbf is not all that different from m/f dynamics anyway. kinda funny though all the same, innocence and naivty is a great thing..and kind of cute too, if you do it right. (or so I'm told)

Also, I'm bored now.

Kanoe

I don't know if this will mean anything but when my mother asked me about my orientation I was as honest as I could be about it, I wasn't with anybody and didn't really have any intention of being in a relationship because when it all came down to it, that's how I've always lived my life and she understood that.
Figuring out who I liked was something personal to me and something I felt had to do in order to find some closure and now I know where I stand, I'm happy to plod along doing what I've always done..and being who I always been. Your family will understand, and if they don't remind yourself it's none of their business really and continue forging ahead with what you need to do. Best of luck