Am I crazy or what

LegacyUser

Hi guys, just really need some advice. I´m with my partner for almost 5 years and for most of those I have been absolutely head over heels for him. The relationship was always fairly one sided as in, he has children, has been married etc and doesn´t want to that again. While this has bothered me on and off over the years never enough to leave as I was so crazy about him.

Up until about 6 months ago I would have done anything to make him happy, but lately I don´t know, I´ve felt a bit flat about the whole thing. I know he loves me to pieces, but I no longer know if this is enough.
Added to the equation I´m being seriously wooéd by a guy I met through work. Nothing has happened here and nor will it. I am however extremely flattered and a little tempted by it all...
I was struggling with my feelings before this Don Juan happened upon the scene and he has just made things worse. I don´t know if it´s a case of the grass is always greener of if I have geniunly run my course with my boyfriend. I´m terrified of making the decision to split in case I regret it for years to come, I do love him, he´s my best friend I´m just no longer sure that I am "in love" to coin a cliche.

Any help, advice, been there done thats would be deeply appreciated.

curlzy

Hey OP, In my experience the "love but not IN LOVE" thing means it's dead. The fact you're listing all the reasons why you shouldn't/can't break up with him really means that deep down you want to break up with him but are trying to talk yourself out of it, maybe due to fear. My advice; stop arguing with yourself and listen to yourself. It's all been on his terms, he'd already done the family thing so you gave up that idea. I really think you need to break up with him. But then I only have what you wrote to go on but the way you're talking reminds me of how I was thinking right before I broke up with my ex who I'd been with for 5 years and was my best friend, best thing I ever did and I'm sorry I didn't do it sooner. At the end of the day we only get one short life on this planet, don't waste it.

Best of luck.

floorpie

Eh i think the opposite to curlyz. Not to belittle your problem (at all), but if you look at the last few weeks/months/years of posts on here that are about someone being unsure about their relationship, a big chunk of them follow the same pattern as yours. I.e. "I'm not happy with this and this in my relationship....and to make matters worse, somebody else is now on the scene. I love my partner but more as a best friend now etc."

I think it's fair to say, and natural, that you're always going to be intrigued when there's somebody new and charming around. The trick is coping with it. 'Love' is hard work and all that malarky. I suppose the telling thing is that for 4 and a half years you say you'd have done anything for him, and you also say that you know he loves you to pieces, so it's a bit silly for some 'Don Juan' to change that, no matter what feelings you were struggling with beforehand (everyone has niggley aspects of their relationship that they can choose or not choose to dwell on). You're just infatuated with someone (not to belittle it, again), but get used to it because the same thing can happen during the happiest of relationships.

Him not wanting to get married or have children is a different issue. If you want to sort that out, sort that out with some other guy swaying you one way or another.

Ickle Magoo

I think there are several intermingling issues here OP - feeling that yourself and your partner are not on the same page when it comes to future hopes and aspirations and your post also conveys a sense of irritation and resentment about both that and how much more enthusiastic you have been about him than visa versa.

Then you have someone else who is actually puting a bit of effort in and while I don't think you are anywhere near falling for woo guy, I think it is highlighting lots of things you miss and think are lacking in your relationship.

Really, the only thing to do is to sit your boyfriend down and lay your cards on the table and see what emerges - if you are on different pages [and bare in mind getting married or having kids are not things that a compromise can be reached on] then you have a decision to make - are you prepared to forgo marriage/kids/whatever or do you start looking for someone who wants what you want in life.

All the best. :cool:

LegacyUser

first of all, thanks so much for the comments and advice given, I haven't spoken to a soul about this for fear of making it "real" so I do appreciate any feedback, whether or not I agree with the comments.

I completely appreciate that you've to work at relationships, I'm in one, and have been for a long time and during that time I have worked at making it a good relationship. This is part of my problem, I'm not sure I want to work anymore, sometimes I've felt I was the only one working at it, and I suppose a few years of thist has build up an amount of resentment.

Regarding this other guy, I'm a realist. I know I have (for want of a better word) a mild crush, and yes, I know that the flattery and excitment have somewhat turned my head, I've enjoyed it when I've seen him, but have never had any intention of taking it further, it's not the first time I've been attracted to someone else over the past few years, but perhaps because of how I'm feeling at the moment it is the most tempting. However, he's pretty much "emotional baggage" wise a carbon copy of my boyfriend, ex wife, children, so even if we broke up tomorrow, there would be no fear of me going down that road again.

Anyway once again thank you for your advice, I'm a bit muddled up at the moment, but thankfully myself and my partner are taking some time out next week and having a few days away, hopefully we can have a good chat and sort some problems out.

I am a friend

Op how do you feel about him calling all the shots with regard marriage and kids etc?

LegacyUser

Not great truth be told... Think that's my main concern, I was blinded by love for the first few years together, I'd get upset about it from time to time but always ended up pushing it under the carpet. I can't walk for the carpet lumps these days

I am a friend

Yeah I suspected the same. I was in your position a couple of years back and tbh I tried but in the end I could not let him dictate my life to me. Ok he had done the big white wedding and kids thing but I didnt have to run with his way of life... At least your guy had been upfront with you about it.

You are living your life by his rules and unless you are willing to sacrifice all you truly want, you will never make this work. Forget the crush and figure out if you want to live your life by your OH's rules or by your own...

LegacyUser

Sound advice, I'm just really scared of hurting him, and the selfish part of me can't imagine not having him in my life, we also live in a very small town and all of our friends are mutual, eugh, deffo time for a good honest chat about our future. Not looking forward to it at all..

I am a friend

Well you are hurting yourself by living a life you dont want... He has what he wants so....