I really would like some opinions

LegacyUser

hi.. my girlfriend and i broke nearly a year ago.. We had talked about getting married. I couldnt commit to living together due to fairly serious family issues that i couldnt talk to her about as that would have involved breaking some pretty serious confidences. She took this as me not wanting to.
I know that she really did love me, and i know that i didnt show enough that i loved her too. i know that was stupid.
the thing is that i still think about her everyday, and i truly dont see myself having the life i wanted without her. i know this sounds stupid but i sort of feel like i've lost my future. I'm mid thirties, and we were together for several years.
She won't even talk to me now, and i know she thinks she is doing the right thing because when we were talking after the breakup we ended up arguing. she just kept saying she needed space. i guess she thinks no contact will make it easier for me to forget her.. but it just isn't working. I suppose some part of me thinks she will change her mind. My question is.. are my feelings normal, as in is this just real/true love or am i actually just a bit of aloon?? I have heard so many stories about guys/ girls that just wont let go and i really dont want to be one of those.. it would break my heart to think that she felt like that about me..

greenprincess

Have you told her how you feel? Maybe see if she would consider giving it another go?

LegacyUser

she knows how i feel i think.. she really wont talk to me. She's been angry at me since we broke up, and we cant talk without it ending in an argument.. she really just seems to want nothing to do with me, and its just such a change to how we were that i am finding it hard to accept i guess..

S23

I'm not saying a persons wife has to know everything about them and their lives down to the most minute detail but lets back this up a bit.

You mentioned talking about marriage very early in your post. You also talk about not seeing a future without her as part of it.

This is forever and ever stuff you're talking about. Now if you can't even attempt to approach telling your OH/wife/signifcant other the bare bones of an issue with your family that precludes you from living with her in the foreseeable future then the relationship has no future IMO. If you don't feel you can talk to her about any of the issues you face thats your own personal choice. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. What you are doing is putting keeping family secrets ahead of your own personal relationship. Totally your choice.

However you can't expect this woman who you don't trust enough to talk to about this and won't move in with for reasons you won't explain to her despite being together several years and both being in your mid 30s. There are no hard and fast rules but I'll take a shot and say that most mid 30s couples who have been together several years would be living together.

You talk about her changing her mind. Why should she? What has changed? Are you still the mid 30s guy who is not going to move in with her and not going to explain why? You may still have feelings for her and not want her to 'get away' but the ball is in your court. Wanting her back isn't enough. I'm not trying to be harsh here OP but it's your fault the relationship ended. You weren't honest with her and you were totally non commital despite the length of time you'd been together.

Also, just so you realise it isn't all about you, you guess she asked for space and no contact because she thought it would help you
get over her? Did you ever stop to think she actually wants a bit of space and wants to get over you and your lack of commitment?

I cannot comment directly on these 'family secrets' you've been keeping from her. I'm not sure what kind of secrets other family members have that mean you can't live with your OH. All I'll say is that I've had some pretty serious issues surrounding my family over the course of my life and a whole load of that stuff I wouldn't be in a hurry to tell people about. But of course I'd tell the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with about them if I thought not doing so would throw a spanner in the works!

However you're talking about the woman who makes you feel like you've 'lost your future' because shes not around anymore. And you can't even have a basic discussion with her about this stuff after years together. Do you think that's fair? Have a good long hard think about that one. How long is she meant to wait around, without any explanation as to why, for you to commit to something as basic as moving in together. Nevermind marriage, kids etc.. etc... I'm guessing she's a similar age to you so she has limited time as far as having kids herself goes.

So are your feelings real or are you a bit of a loon?

It seems you believe your feelings are real for a start. I also don't think you're a loon. However I think you need to realise that saying 'I love you' is much easier than showing love and acting in a manner that portrays it. If you love her that much then go out and tell her what it is that was worth losing her over and tell her why you now see that was a mistake and you want to move past that issue and give being together another go if she's willing.

If you can't do that then just leave her alone to get on with her life. Best of luck

I am a friend

reallycantthinkofone wrote: »

she knows how i feel i think..

you think???? If you were serious she would be 100% clear about how you feel.

How in the name of god can family problems imPact on a life together to this extent?

Aseth

reallycantthinkofone wrote: »

I couldnt commit to living together due to fairly serious family issues that i couldnt talk to her about as that would have involved breaking some pretty serious confidences.

I think S23 pretty much said it all.
I will just ask this: have you at least told your OH that the reason you cannot commit are family matters? Or did you just kept her in the dark and let her guess?
If I was in her shoes I would be thinking all kind of things including you having a child with some other woman or you getting involved in some sort of a crime.

LegacyUser

Op, I've been in a relationship for 3 years and am not even thinking long term yet. I can tell you though that my OH and I tell each other everything, including family secrets. That in itself is a commitment.

I personally think you should reveal the reason that you couldnt move in with her. Why can't you? If you trust that she will keep it to herself, there should be no problem, especially if you see yourselves as staying together in the long term. If you really want this girl, she needs to understand why you kept her away.

Ickle Magoo

reallycantthinkofone wrote: »

she knows how i feel i think.. she really wont talk to me. She's been angry at me since we broke up, and we cant talk without it ending in an argument.. she really just seems to want nothing to do with me, and its just such a change to how we were that i am finding it hard to accept i guess..

Well, that was your choice - you decided that keeping whatever family secrets were worth more to you than the confidence and support your partner could offer - why do you think she'd not be angry about that? And if she doesn't know that's why you bottled taking the next step in a life together then she's probably thought of a million other much worse possibilities because, really, why wouldn't you trust someone you think highly enough of to contemplate marrying, with a family secret?

Put the boot on the other foot, how would you feel? Would you consider secrets and someone refusing to move in with you because of some third party/ies issues as sign of love, respect, of expectations for a long and happy life together? This can probably still be salvaged but you need to get your priorities straight - there is nothing I don't share with my partner, there is no skeleton in anyone's closet that we haven't trusted each other to share. My partner knows more about me and everything I know, than everyone else on earth put together and, as far as I'm concerned, that's the way it should be. Secrets, lies and surreptitious reasoning have no place in a healthy relationship - if that's the kind of thing you were bringing to your relationship then can you really blame her for being angry and not wanting anything to do with you?

If she really is the women you want to be with then you need to decide what should be more important to you - excluding your partner from parts of your life so important that it affects whether you and she can live together - or including her in whatever secrets you are privy to that are likely to impact on you both and dealing with those together.

All the best.

S23

I've wracked my brain and I cannot for the life of me think of what family issues (that must remain secret) that mean you couldn't move in with this woman.

Not being able to live with her (in a particular building) suggests that you have to live in a specific other place. The fact you say it's family related suggests that you have to live somewhere very specific (at home/with a specific family member) because of your family.

If you have to live at home/with a specific family member then surely she'd know why? I can't think of a reason that you'd have to keep secret as to why you had to stay living at home. Illness in the family would be the first thing that springs to mind and you certainly shouldn't (and dare I say in most cases couldn't) keep from your OH.

Aside from that I can't think of too many things that would mean a mid 30s person would absolutely have to live in a specific place that wasn't with his OH and under no circumstances could tell her why.

I mean if you don't have to live at home/with a specific family member then what difference does it make where you live? If you don't live at home now then what difference does it make if your OH lives with you? I can't think of any legitimate reason that you can't live with your OH and you can't tell her why. The only scenarios I can come up with that make the lack of disclosure add up are quite ungenerous and murky and I certainly wouldn't accuse you or your family of anything untoward. So I'll assume that's not the case.

If you do live at home/with a specific family member then I'm pretty sure she'd have talked about the subject with you in the course of your relationship that lasted several years. If there is a genuine reason I'm sure she already knows it and would (more than likely) be understanding to at least some degree about it. There is no way in the world it could go unnoticed by her and there just isn't a legit reason in the book that you couldn't divulge to her.

So to get to the crux of the matter (via the long route and I'm sorry about that) I think you may have some pretty serious commitment issues OP. And I think you may have masked them by justifying to yourself that you can't do this or that because of these things you say. I think that may be the issue here more than the question you initially asked. It just doesn't add up at all OP. For your own current and future happiness you need to face up to what the real issue is here. If you hide behind lame excuses and reasons you'll never be able to commit to anyone. I mean you seem to have real strong feelings for this woman but you let her go without even telling her the real reasons why.

That's all I can say based on what you posted. Best of luck with your issues OP.

curlzy

OP,

I really think you need more help than we can give. You need to go to counselling. The fact that you seem to think it's ok to be completely emotionally and physically unavailable to a woman you've been with for years means you have big issues regarding relationships. I think S23 put down everything I'm thinking so I won't repeat it but I think you should stay away from your ex so she can heal from the sham of your relationship. Go book a counselor and someday, WAY down the line, you'll be a healthier place where you can offer her a real relationship.

Best of luck

aidan24326

Sorry to be harsh but you screwed up. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that you don't share with someone you love and want to share your life with. You made her feel that you didn't really trust her and that's not easy to remedy. I'm afraid you're in an on your knees situation now. If she's that important to you then show her and leave her in no doubt. At this stage your chances aren't hectic but it's worth a try.