Bad timing again...

pixie80

To try and make a long story short. I have fallen for my sister's brother in law. I have known him for years. I didn’t like him straight away but over time our mutual flirting changed to mutual liking. The only problem was that I was in college and we weren’t in the same place and so nothing ever happened. Bad timing!

Move forward a few years and just before I go off travelling, he tells me he has strong feelings for me and hopes that someday we’d give it a chance. Bad timing again!

That was over two years ago now. While I was away he had started seeing an ex casually and when it had ended, she finds out that she is pregnant and not sure if he’s the father. I wasn’t long home from my travels at this time and was so gutted. Immediately I thought we had no chance.

Last June I saw him for the first time since I’d lift. We were with family but he seemed like he only wanted to talk to me. He was very emotional at the time, very upset about the whole situation he was in. I couldn’t feel sorrier for him and at the time he told me he still had feelings for me. I thought I had to get over him. It wasn’t that easy. It was impossible. We got on so well over the next few months. This was the moment I had been waiting for.

We might have been a couple by now, I have ruined everything. I just couldn’t admit to having any feelings for him. I was afraid of getting hurt. I didn’t mind that he might have a baby, I told him this. I just said I wasn’t sure of what I wanted. And then I just left haven’t seen him since. We don’t talk, text nothing. I just left it hanging. I’m hiding out in my home town afraid to take the risk.

Now I think it's too late and I’ve lost the chance. I hear everything second hand thought my sister. She doesn’t know how I really feel about him. The baby turned out to be his and now his ex and the baby have moved in with him. Don’t know how long that will last, I think he’s only doing it for his baby. I’m thinking they are acting like a couple in every way. I can’t be sure but don’t doubt it. I am so jealous and I miss him so much. It is driving me insane. I can't sleep.

The thing that hurts me the most is I think I’ve hurt him and I can’t help but hope he’s unhappy. Should I leave them to it? I don’t want to. When our path crosses again, I have every intention of telling the truth. I think this time apart is necessary and that why I stay away. It could be nothing with him or it could be everything. I don’t want him to be the one who got away. I just don't know how to do it, and I don't want to mess with his head either. Timing needs to be perfect. Should i just let it go.

I am 31, he is 34 and she is 25 (I think).

Advice would be appreciated

LegacyUser

hey, god sounds complicated alright. but im tad confused. this guy is your brother in law as in your sisters husband/ex? but maybe thats not what u meant. ?
not trying to be sounding mean but maybe its a case of you want him now because he's not available. ..

Try not to feel bad though, doesnt sound like you hurt him, you just werent available at time. i dont think you hurt him.

I am a friend

Your brother in law? How is this? Is he married to your sister?

pixie80

sorry my mistake - my sister's brother in law, as in her husbands brother

I am a friend

You what?????? He is living with someone, they have a small baby and are trying to make a go of it. STAY AWAY.

Your selfish attitude is shocking.... You had numerous chances and didnt take them so why would you dare break up a family now. :eek: Women like you, who go after fellas in relationships, give the rest of us a bad name... Let him be and move on. He has made his choice and they deserve the chance to make a go of it.. God my blood is boiling when I think of what you are planning to do.... GRRRRRRRR

Curry Addict

it seems like you went with your gut feeling when you last met him. your gut feeling was probably right for you. maybe there is some other things feeding into you looking at this retrospectively.
i wouldnt be sure its bad timing either, if ye really wanted to be together ye would have tried harder to make that happen.

Ickle Magoo

pixie80 wrote: »

The baby turned out to be his and now his ex and the baby have moved in with him.

This is all you need to know. If he wanted you he would be with you - if he didn't want her, she wouldn't have moved in. You are going to have to accept that whatever you had or could of had is over. He's living with his child and the mother of his child - that doesn't just happen, he's moved on, you need to do the same.

All the best.

johnr1

Hi OP,

Horrible sequence of events for you, - I do feel sorry for you, but reality is that you had a couple of half chances and one big one to do something about how you felt for him. They have passed, and if you two were really meant to be together, somehow you'd have made the most of some one of them at the time.

Whether he is with this other woman out of a sense of duty, or because he's put his interest in you behind him and is really interested in making a go of it with her is irelevant now, they are living together, they have a young baby, and it would be very very wrong of you to interfere.

You simply can't tell him now how you feel/felt, that time has passed and your best bet is to move on with your own life, meet other people, and see what that brings. Waiting around for them to break up, or just pining for him is pointless, and only wastes your life. It may never happen.

There are many many people in the world with whom we could potentially be very happy, and to wait around for someone who is not available is madness and stupidity.

I wish you the best, learn from this, and when you meet someone again who you really like, let them know, before they are gone.

pixie80

thanks for the replies.

I suppose it makes sense that I'd be the homewreaker in this case. They weren't a couple. It was one night. He persued me, the baby complicated things for me.

Also thought that if I stayed and started something with him that it would have ruined any chance of him having any access to the child. I always suspected it would be his.

His ex is a mulipative and violent girl. I don't know why he let her move in. That was a major shock. I don't know if they are a couple I'm only guessing. He always said he'd be there for the baby. I don't think this will ever be a happy home. I didn't mention this before because I didn't think their domestic situation was relevant.

I don't want to be in this mess at all, but i can't help how I feel. Its only been two months. Why did he have to move on so quickly? I told him I'd be back.

johnr1

pixie80 wrote: »

thanks for the replies.

I suppose it makes sense that I'd be the homewreaker in this case. They weren't a couple. It was one night. He persued me, the baby complicated things for me.

Also thought that if I stayed and started something with him that it would have ruined any chance of him having any access to the child. I always suspected it would be his.

His ex is a mulipative and violent girl. I don't know why he let her move in. That was a major shock. I don't know if they are a couple I'm only guessing. He always said he'd be there for the baby. I don't think this will ever be a happy home. I didn't mention this before because I didn't think their domestic situation was relevant.

I don't want to be in this mess at all, but i can't help how I feel. Its only been two months. Why did he have to move on so quickly? I told him I'd be back.

B1 Yes you would.

B2 Doesent matter, but yes, the baby did complicate things for you, thats life though, you are where you are now, not then.

B3 Yes, it probably would, and he might have resented you later on for that.

B4 While this is unfortunate, none of it is relevant to your current situation.

B5 Who know, maybe he was interested in her to some level, maybe he was just horny, were you with nobody while you were away travelling?

Advice remains the same, but yes you were quite unlucky. Not as unlucky as him it appears though.

I am a friend

Op it doesn't matter what the circumstances are - he has moved his child and the mother in... Have some respect for the family unit and leave them be.

Neyite

OP, if their relationship is as volatile as you say, then it wont last long, and it will implode all by itself. If you are in the picture, even as an innocent friend who later gets involved with him, you will be labelled the homewrecker, even if you didnt do a thing.

Stay away and let them sort out this muddle by themselves. Its noble that they are trying to provide a family unit for the child and you have to let them give it their best shot for everyones sake.

If, at a later stage in time, he becomes single, then thats your time to let him know how you feel, but not now.

pixie80

Again thanks to everyone for their advice and imput here. The reason this was all in my mind now was because i was due to meet him for first time at family christening yesterday. I was unsure of how i was suppose to act. I was never going just blurt it all out to him. I was being persumptuous and thought they'd eventually break up and I'd get another chance someday.

I don't have time to go into details of yesterday(I'm on lunch) but she and baby weren't there and though it was awkward, it wasn't as awkward as i thought in would be. I have huge respect for the family unit and am not the person who goes after other women's boyfriends.

I know he made a choice and even though he never actually gave me the time I needed, I guess he wanted it all sorted before baby came and i had asked him to wait till after baby was here, but in the short time i was away i got no explanation or closure, and i guess he just changed his mind or didn't want to waste anymore time.

i'm not the type who'll wait around forever and i guess with time i'll move on. I do however believe that everything happens for a reason and whats meant to be will be.

Lessons learned.

Taltos

OP's issue has been resolved.

Closed.