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Waiting Is Right, Right?

  • 02-12-2011 3:48am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I recently started a PhD and, owing to a frustrating and unusual set of circumstances, my contract conditions have been renegotiated so that, on completion, I have to emigrate for two years to work in industry. To not accept would mean to drop out of the PhD, which isn't an option seeing as a) I want to do it and b) I worked my ass off to get funding and I know how lucky I am.

    Now, my girlfriend hates the emigration destination (I know this previously. I haven't mentioned this situation to her yet). She has lived all her life in Ireland and her work is here. So we need to talk about it. The problem with this chat is the timing. I'm going to wait until the end of January because it's our first anniversary shortly, then it's Christmas, then I'm going to be away for two weeks. I don't want to have this talk and then risk splitting up so close to our anniversary, splitting up and leave us both feeling **** through Christmas or split up and then fob off for a fortnight. The end of January just seems more logical and decent than doing it now. What do you think? I'd appreciate any thoughts.

    If I sound pessimistic or resigned, it's because I know she'll say no if I ask her to come with me. If she says yes, I know she'll hate it. At least for a while, if not forever, but to even get that far she'd have to give up everything she has right now and live with me in a foreign place on a postgrad's salary, and I wouldn't do that to her. We've both been hurt by long-distance relationships in the past, so that's not an option.


Comments

  • #2
    fungun
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,120 ✭✭✭fungun


    For me, I never leave things like this to fester, Id tell her now. End of Jan is almost 2 months away; she will be annoyed that you knew this and havent brought it up if you wait that long.....and your reasons not to are crap tbf. Having a nice anniversary/Xmas' is not a reason to not say things that you have to.

    Secondly Id ask her to come with you. How do you or she "know she will hate it". Ive gone to places I thought I wouldnt like (in some cases bringing partners) and had a great time....mainly because there is more to a place than the place - a place is also the people that are there. So even if you are going somewhere that isnt great, if you end up with nice people over there you will enjoy it. So unless she would be giving up a job I really cant see why she wouldnt go along with you if you guys really want to make your relationship work.


  • #3
    I am a friend
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    Ah no it's not fair to leave it. You have to tell her.


  • #4
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,661 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    Wait, so you've just started it, but you don't need to move until it's completed? So you're talking 3 or 4 years away? I think you're getting a bit ahead of yourself if that's the case. Just tell her you'll have to move when it's done so she's aware, but you might not even be together at that stage. You've only been together for a year as it is! You've no idea how things will go between now and then.


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