Depressed

087

Hi, Im back on ere again with more problems.

Im a going through a really rough patch at the moment. Ive never felt so low in my life. Im gay and I live in rural Ireland. I kept the secret that I am gay to myself a secret for years until about 2 months ago when I nearly cracked up. I told my family and close friends. After I told them I felt so good. It was like a weight off my shoulders, I performed well in work and just felt upbeat. Unfortunatly that feeling only lasted about a week or 2. Gradually I fell back into feeling down and out. I often heard people talking about depression, I never gave it a thought. I used to thonk "come on, snap out of it!". If only I knew then what I know now!

I have a few mates living in Australia, I was talking to one of them about a month ago and he mentioned that there is a real shortage of my trade there and that there is big money to be made. I said Id do some research into it. I thought maybe a change would be just what I need. I contacted a few companies regarding getting a job off them. I had an interview last week with one of them. Im still waiting to hear how I got on with it. I came home and my parents were asking how did it go, I just broke down, I started to cry. I dont know what came over me. I think I suddenly realised that If I go out to Australia and my mind isnt right it could be catostrophic. I cried and cried, they cried with me. They explained that they knew I wasnt right the last few months but didnt know what to say. My mother had asked me was I ok a few times alright, but I just shrugged it off and said I was. I told them I thought I needed to see a professional to talk to. They said that was a good Idea. I went first to my GP. I told him all my problems, he said it sounds like depression and he will refer me to a phsyciatrist. I hope to go to her in the next 2 weeks.

I have a lot going on in my life. As I said, Im gay and I live in rural Ireland, I dont want to spend my life alone. Ive done all the one night stand things, they really messed up my head too. I am seeing a guy, I think I love him, unfortunatly he doesnt seem to feel the same. I cant get him out of my head. I am self employed and I hate my job the last 2 -3 years, well, I hate it the last year, the 2 previous years I just hadnt any interest in it. Ive let the business slip, I have debts, none crippling, Im managing them but they are an issue.

I have a very active social life, mostly when I am out with friends I am in great form. When I get home, like just now Im down in the dumps again. Its an awful feeling, I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. The gay thing and the guy Im seeing are the biggest problems, I fell lonely I think. It felt good to talk to the GP. I really hope the phsyciatrist can help me. Im about to cry now, just about all my life. I have wasted it. I have nothing to show for the last 10 years only a bank account thats in the red.

Is going away to Australia a good idea?.. Im not going until I get my head sorted but I think going away could be just what I need. Ive never really lived away from home before. I probably should have moved away a long time ago and lived my life as a gay man, not lived the lie Ive been living. Then again I was happy with my life until the last year or 2 so why would I have moved away? I dont want to be away from the guy I think Im in love with but a clean break might be the best way. I do think that If we could be together properly that it might solve some of the issues but I dont think that can ever realistically happen here. Then again, it might only solve things momentarily like when I came out.

Being gay is depressing in rural Ireland. If I was straight I would probably be settled down and married. Id be doing all the conventional stuff. I need help, and serious help. I have spoken to the samaratans, both they and my GP asked me if I ever think of harming myself. I have to say I dont but the tragic death of Gary Speed really hit me. I see the rest of my family and friends getting on with their lives, getting married etc.... Im delighted for them but it brings home to me where I am. I have nothing and unless things change drastically I never will have anything. I wouldnt mind but I have, or at least I had so much going for me. A great family, a good business, good friends and a good life in general. At the moment I cant see ay future. What the hell am I going to do?

One more thing in my life. I dont know if its an issue in this whole thing. I play a lot of poker. I dont play for big money, on any night I dont loose anymore than 50euro and I win more than I loose. I also bought some bank shares and lost more than I could afford to loose, hence the debt. I dont let the debt bother me too much but it has to be there in the background Im sure. I dont consider myself a gambler, but maybe I am...


I would appreciate any comment, sorry about the really long post.

tenchi-fan

Hi op.

Australia isn't a magic bullet. It will not fix all your problems. There's a good chance employment opportunities have been overstated. When you get there you might feel emigration is a young people's game and you'd have enjoyed it more if you were younger. You might even begin to miss your family and friends back home.

I'm speaking from experience!

However, I did enjoy my brief time in Australia. I did a fair bit of travelling. I met hundreds of people in hostels, mostly forgettable but perhaps 5 that made an impression on me! I started reading books and learned to enjoy time to myself (sharing a room with 5 others and a bathroom with 20 others can help you distinguish solitude from loneliness!)

Have you considered a 1-2 month holiday, perhaps to just get your head together and scope out employment opportunities before diving in head-first?

Australia aside, there's two mistakes you can make:

1. Expecting the worst. You will never be happy when there's a nagging, negative voice in the back of your mind so learn how to stop thinking negatively.

2. Having unrealistic expectations. If you are always hard on yourself you will become your own worst enemy. There's an expression: blossom where you're planted. If you can remain positive you will enjoy life whether you're at home or abroad.

It's a great step seeking professional help.
Another good idea is to gain some new perspectives through self-help reading.. books with titles resembling "positive thinking" or "how to be happy" are good places to start.

One other thing.. are you living at home with your parents? If so, I think you should move to a more urban area but within driving distance from your family and friends. They're your support network so don't cut them out. But, in my experience there's nothing more depressing than living in the one home all your life with your parents.. that's how you lived when you were a child and it's time to grow up.. ignore this bit if you're not living with them any more.

SNAKEDOC

i was once in your position. I'll say first however i'm not gay but that to me doesn't mean anything to mental health unless you are been discriminated against. I was in a good pensionable job with an garda siochana for three years. I had two bad short term relationships and some things happened in work that got to me a little. I met a lovely girl whom i am now engaged to but after our first year i finally reached breaking point. I left my job as i could not stay any longer and i stopped seeing my family. when i finally told them what was going on they tried to tell me i was not depressed but just acting selfishly. I had been dragged to the doctors by my girlfriend and i started seeing a psychiatrist. I felt better after four short weeks. I will say that the next year was tough and i went and retrained but was unemployed for over a year and a half. My fiance was my rock. I am back working now and most importantly i am happy. I see m family who now see that i did make the right decision for me and i'm going in the right direction. So my advice to you is do whats right for you, you may not know it now but you soon will. examine every part of your life including your socializing, I was a big socialiser but not anymore. i realized it was for others that i was going out drinking. this may be why you crash after a night out alcohol will do that to you and i think you should knock it on the head for a while to try it. the gambling could also be a problem that you should look at but communication is key let those around you that are willing to help do so and all things heal with time. Maybe australia might be a bad idea as you will be away from all you know including your family in a place where people make a lot of money but also spend a lot of money on going out which could have a very negative effect on you. before aking a decision think long and hard.

087

I am living at home. I work from though so its handy. I agree I would be better off to move away. I would love a holiday but in my financial state I can't afford to take much time off. I suppose I could go for a week tho.
Thanks

Miss Fluff

087 wrote: »

Is going away to Australia a good idea?.. Im not going until I get my head sorted

Australia is probably a great idea. When the time is right though. You absolutely need to concentrate on getting well again and being in a good place before you think about going. If you're feeling isolated and lonely and anxious now, that will merely be exascerbated by thousands of miles of distance if you're not mentally in the right headspace.

Make sure to follow up on your doctor's appointment hon and they will be able to help. THEN you can start planning for the great future that awaits you but pursue that when you're in a position to go for it and really enjoy every single moment.

CdeC

hey OP,
It is tough when you come out, you probably built up all that tension and anxiousness and suddenly its realeased. Then what now.

Obviously you need to move on to the next stage. Have you thought seriously what you want out of life. Being gay is only a part of you and you need to really take a good look at everything else.

1. relationships : you say you like this guy you are seeing but he doesn't like you back. Well now you are out I think you really want to start thinking what you want. Do you want a committed relationship. Do you want to play the field a bit and have some fun. These are some choices among many. If he is not giving you what YOU want then move on. Believe me there are lads out there who want the same thing as you. Maybe in Australia.

2. Your Job, you are unhappy in it. Why???. Do you hate the area or is it just you are in a rut. how can you change this. More education, change of jobs, again if you get this Australian job might be a goer. I mean it's only temporary and a change will definitely get you going again.

3. Australia. I would say go for it. Have you gone away for any length of time. Obviously people would say are you in the right head space but so what, just go and see. You can always come home at any stage, could be the best thing you have ever done. Like a lot of things in life it's a risk!!!!
You need to leave all this stuff behind you, you are in control of who you are. You need to accept yourself and stop feeling sorry for yourself and go out and grab the opportunities open to you now. You have friends there??!!!.
Coming out is a big step...in the right direction but it is only the beginning of the next chapter. Try and stay positive and try and focus on what to do next and believe me in five years you will not know yourself.

Best of Luck OP,

I am a friend

Op dont have any real advice for ya but just wanted to say well done for all you have done i.e. coming out, telling your parents about feeling low, starting and running your own business and talking to the doctor about your worries.

Things look bleak at the moment but from what you have done, I think you have a lot of inner strength and please be proud of that.

A trip to Oz could be great for you especially for your love life so dont rule it out. You have done a lot in the last few years so sit back and give yourself a pat on the back.

Well done.

087

Thanks, I really appreciate all the comments. Since I started this thread a good bit has happened. First of all the guy Im seeing has told me he loves me. He told me before that he has a problem with the fact that its a gay relationship. I was surprisd the last night when he actually said to me "I love you". He did have a few pints on board but he expalined that he does actually love me and I believe he is being honest. God knows I love him to bits. After hearing this from him it put me in good form I have to say. The next thing that happened this morning is that I actually got offered a job in Australia from the interview I did last week. So now its more of a reality. Before this it was there, but now its actually real!!...

I dont know what to do now, Ive been going over and over it in my head all day. Im going to speak with the phyciatriast anyway to see if it makes anything clearer in my mind. Ive been thinking that if we can make a go of this relationship (if he wants to) then I can always look for a career change here at home... Then again there arent many jobs out there and I have to be working to pay my debts. Its a real tough decsion. I just hope seeing the phyciatrist will help me iron out my issues.

Again, any advice is really appreciated ere...

I am a friend

Things are on the up - well done!! You'll make the right decision. Would your bf go to oz?

087

I am a friend wrote: »

Things are on the up - well done!! You'll make the right decision. Would your bf go to oz?

I doubt it very much, he has a pretty good job here. I dont think i could even mention him to come with me...

I am a friend

087 wrote: »

. I dont think i could even mention him to come with me...

Why? How did it get to the point where ye love each other but ye cant talk about stuff like this?

087

Yes, I know, we do have trouble talking about stuff, well, thats not true. He has trouble talking about stuff to me. I dont know if he really loves me, How can I find out for sure?

087

Well so much for him saying he loves me! He has now told me he doesn't and that he doesn't want a relationship. He dismissed telling me he loved me the other night by saying 'I was pissed'. It was really hurt me. We spent the other night together again and to be honest I find it hard to see how he cud show me so much 'love' without having some feelings for me. He said he likes me a lot. What the hell is that supposed to mean!!? He went back to the old thing of saying he doesn't see himself as gay. I think he was probably being more honest when he'd had a the few pints on him. He seems to want to do everything he can to not be gay when he's sober. Am I being naive in thinking that the old saying, 'a drunken mouth speaks a sober mind' is true here? He said to me I deserve more.

I know I'd be better to just cut him off completely. Im too weak to do that tho. I cant see beyond him at the monent. I feel awful today and the last few days. I've spoken to the people in the helpline aware and they are so helpful. They deserve a lot of praise for what they do. I found it great to just talk to someone. Even writing this is a help. I'm going to see my phsyciatrist at the end of the week. I can't wait, hopefully she can help me work out things clearly in my head. I have so much to work out. This guy is only one part of it. I'm lonely, I can't have a proper loving gay relationship here in rural Ireland. It's just not possible. Hopefully in Australia it will be easier. A new start maybe. I know it probably seems like I'm running away, but I do want a change of Job and lifestyle too. Hopefully it's the right move. I'm about 95% sure I'm going to go now.

I really appreciate all your comments.

Thanks.