Can't go on like this

LegacyUser

I've been married for 15 years and we have 6 kids. However we do not have any kind of a normal relationship whatsoever. My wife never comes near me and when I reach out to her she recoils. We have gone up to two years without having sex which would surprise people as they think with a load of kids, we must be like a pair of rabbits. Nothing could be further from the truth. It took me a long while to realise that all I ever was to her was a walking wallet and spermbank to give her the lifestyle she wanted and the kids too. The only times she wanted sex, was when she wanted a baby. Unfortunately for me, I tended to hit the target pretty much straight away and once she found she was pregnant, I could get lost again.

Let me give you some background. When I met her (through work), she was pretty aloof and kept everyone at arm's length. No one really knew anything about her. After a few months working together, we got talking while on a work night out and the more she drank, the more relaxed she became and we had a great laugh. She came back to my place but I did the gentlemanly thing and gave her my bed while I slept on the couch. The next day she was back to her old cool demeanour. I asked her out a few weeks later and she said yes and we had a nice evening in a bar and the more she drank, the more relaxed she became. This set the pattern for our relationship. After a few months, we went back to my place one night and we had sex for the first time. While she is a very attractive woman, she is very shy about her body and having sex is all one sided with me doing all the "work" while she just lies there. It would appear her attitude is "well my legs are spread, what more do you want?". In the morning, when she's sobered up, she would have the sheet pulled up around her chin lest I see her body. After a couple of years, we were due to be married when I started having very serious doubts. She was incredibly bossy telling me what to wear, what to do and what to say while on the other hand, she did whatever she pleased. If she saw me talking to a female colleague, this would make her go into a huff and yet there was no problem with her dancing with other guys or when one fella had his hand on her leg in a pub (while naturally she had had a few drinks and her inhibitions had loosened). I told her I didn't want to get married as there were too many issues between us but she broke down and said she couldn't live without me. I convinced myself I was just having pre-marriage doubts and went ahead with it. However on the day of our wedding, I realised I had made an awful mistake as she just wanted her big day out in the sun while I was just the "support act". She didn't want to kiss me at all that day as it would "ruin her make up". She ignored me for most of the day, and that night, our wedding night, she refused point blank to have sex. We didn't have sex for three months until I relented and agreed to have kids (she knew that I never wanted kids since she met me). Since then, we've had sex about three or four times a year at most (with a long two year gap of no sex in between), and only when she allowed it (usually to get pregnant).

You don't know me but I am a nice guy. I get on very well with people I know and work with. I have 6 children that I utterly adore (having my children is the only good thing to come out of this marriage) and who love me judging by how they rugby tackle me every evening when I get home, with "Daddy, Daddy, give me a kiss and a hug". They are the only source of joy in my life.

I have given my wife everything I humanly can. I built our house, decorated it, put down the flooring, built a patio, bought her new cars while I drove old bangers, gave her money to go on holidays with her sisters while I haven't had a foreign holiday since 2001. She ignores me completely unless she wants something, usually money. I spend my time wondering why I married her. I did move out three years ago as I couldn't stand her coldness and perpetual sneering. However I moved back after 8 months as I missed my children so much and hated seeing the look in their eyes as I left them back to the house each weekend knowing that we wouldn't see each other for five days. They still talk now about how they missed me "that time you left us Daddy". You have no idea how much those words break my heart each time I hear them. However I cannot continue to live my life the way I do. I'm in my mid forties and I don't want to spend my life feeling so utterly lonely, so empty inside and bereft of love and affection. My kids will grow up and move away one day and I'll look back on my life wishing I had spent my life with a warm affectionate woman rather than the cold hard hearted person I live with.

Ickle Magoo

This has been going on for so long OP - have you spoken to your wife about it? I don't mean mention it...I mean spell out how unhappy you are and now how close to breaking point you are? Would you consider mediation or ask that she attends marriage counselling with you?

Oryx

I know you want the best for your kids. But as you assess whats best to do, remember to count in the fact that the way you and your wife behave with each other is the example of marriage/relationships your kids will see as normal.

nicechick!

Wow this really blew me away! 15years

As for your wife have you ever approached the subject crikey personally I would say she is as miserable as you are in the situation!!

You need to pursue your own personal happiness your young! why would you subject yourself to anymore of this emotionless mess your in no matter how much joy you take from your children! Your children DESERVE a happy father and mother

Bottle_of_Smoke

Not much options here. The courts will discriminate against you and she will certainly get custody of the children. She'll get the house and you'll be paying maintenaince as well as covering the rent for wherever you live

Her behaviour sounds borderline sociopathic. How did she react when you moved out for 8 months?

There's no answer here from what I can see. Its move out, miss the kids and leave them alone with that woman or continue with what you're doing.

I'd say get yourself to a counseller and explain the situation. Might help structuring your own thoughts and deciding what you want.

LegacyUser

We went to counselling shortly after I moved back into the house and it was a pure and utter waste of time. My wife would sit there and say how I'm always bad tempered (which I am not, if anything, she is), how I control the money (if so, why did I set up a joint account and give her full access to it, which she would practically empty btw and leave me scrambling to find money for the mortgage), how I was constantly demanding sex (which I wasn't but I think sex is part of a normal relationship. 3 or 4 times a year is not normal imo), how I would tell my mother and brothers about our marital difficulties (I didn't but when I moved out, they said "we knew you were miserable for years"). When I put my side of the story across at the counselling, she crossed her arms and legs and looked away tutting and sneering as I explained her miserable I felt.

The fact of the matter is that she grew up in a household with a mother and father who had no physical contact whatsoever. Her mother was perpetually sneering at her father, so much so, that all four daughters, including my wife, sneered openly at him too. This, despite the fact that he was a nice man, who worked extremely hard to support his family. My parents had a completely opposite relationship, always holding hands, hugging and kissing (which was a bit embarrassing as a teenager tbh) but they weren't afraid to show their feelings for one another. Sure they had their rows but they made up and were always there for one another. I guess my wife see's her upbringing as normal whereas I think my parents had the right type of relationship.

I understand and agree completely that my children might view my relationship with their mother as "normal" which would horrify me tbh. I suppose its one of the reasons why my kids and I are very close as I sub-consciously hug them a lot to show them that there's nothing wrong with physical contact with someone you love.

Finally, I've never been unfaithful to my wife since we met. However I like women, I like their intelligence, their viewpoint on life, their sense of humour, their warmth and of course their shape, which to me is one of nature's masterpieces. The thoughts of being celibate the rest of my life does not appeal to me and yet, the thought of being with another woman makes me feel as if I'd be cheating on my kids as well as my wife.

moco

Do you still feel you love your wife, or even like her has a person?

Bottle_of_Smoke

I don't think there's a hope you'll ever have a normal relationship with her. She sounds like a thoroughly horrible person the way you've talked about giving her all the money and her calling it controlling.

I'd suggest you stop that. This woman is in total control and feels she's entitled to it.

I tihnk you were replyinmg to a previous poster but just to clarify when I said counselling I meant just for you to help sort your own head out.

Like has been said, monkey see what monkey do, you don't want your daughters turning into this woman.

curlzy

Wow OP, you have my sympathy, you really do:(.

You seem to have tried everything. Now I know I'm going to get lynched for this but this is what I would do: Stop. As in just stop, giving her money, doing what she says, basically stop treating her like the loving supportive wife that she's NOT. You seem to be a total martyr and she totally saw you coming. She sounds very cold and calculating. If you want to stay with the kids it's time you got calculating too. Cut her off from the money, cut her off when she puts you down or sneers, either tell her to **** off or simply walk away, treat her with the same contempt she treats you, move out into a different bedroom. Maybe if you start treating her the way she treats you then she'll respect you, unfortunately some people are seriously f*cked up in that they only respect you when you treat them bad, they think you're a sap if you treat them well. So yeah stop telling her anything. Just stop putting money into the joint account, she can get a job if she wants her own money. Do all the grocery shopping yourself and give the kids money if they need it. She sounds extremely f*cked in the head and sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. My bets are that if you start treating her like cr*p she'll be all over you like a rash. You need to get hard and calculating and beat her at her own game. From what you say you'll never have a warm and loving marraige to her, maybe if you're clever you get her to tow the line to get what she wants i.e. money. At the very least she will stop treating you like a worm to walk on and sneer at. I'm really sorry that you ended up with someone like that, she sounds like a nightmare. So yeah from what you're saying councelling won't help. Stop giving her any sort of priority, you know what she is now, a cold calculating b*tch, treat her as she behaves I say. If there is any wiff of separating get your ass to a solicitor and hide your money because I'd say that's what she'll be after. Hopefully after all the kids are grown up you can move out and find a nice warm hearted woman.

The very best of luck.

Fentdog84

Op the reason you are in this situation and the reason that your wife has walked all over you like this is- you allowed her to! Going on what you are saying is that she dosent respect you or love you. You are a nice guy. You did all the right things for your wife and family. But the world dosent always work like that, unfortunatley. Just cos you are a nice guy dosent mean everyone else will be the same to you.

If I were you, which i appreciate Im not, id just say stuff her, at this stage. Just go out on your own and enjoy life. Theres plenty other people out there who you could be happy with. As for the kids, well you just got to get on with things to do your best to be there for them.Thats all you can do. There is life after marriage breakups, it goes on regardless. They will understand someday that you needed to do what you did and it was for the best. best of luck

Ickle Magoo

Jeepers OP, I seriously don't know how you've lasted as long as you have.

Get yourself a good solicitor, keep a diary of everything that's making you worried and unhappy - move into the spare room and sort out your finances so you aren't just handing everything over would be my advice. I'd echo BoS that getting counselling just to get your own head and thoughts in order after years of being rejected and put down could be worth looking into as well.

It's going to be tough but you deserve happiness and your kids deserve to know that the relationship between your wife and you isn't healthy enough to stay for or something for them to aspire to. Wherever you live, you'll be their dad but get legal advice asap - divorce/family laws in this country are usually firmly weighted in favour of the wife

All the very best.

Daisy M

Well firstly op dont be manipulated into having a 7th child, this situation is messy enough without that happening. I agree with the counselling idea. I think it may give you a better insight as to how you can make the best of this awfull situation.

It sounds as if you cant bear to leave your children and also that you cant bear to live with your wife anymore. How are things financially for you can you afford to move out if you wanted to? Is there anyway you can create a second household for your self in your existing dwelling, perhaps convert a few rooms or a garage into a little apartment?

If you do decide to stay for the childrens sake, dont write your life off, get out and enjoy yourself as much as possible and when the time is right leave and embrace life with open arms.

LegacyUser

Hello OP, this is so sad. I feel so sorry for you and the situation you are in.

You should leave your wife and make yourself happy. You have a right to see your kids, your wife cant stop that.
I am 24 years old. My parents separated when I was 12. My dad moved out and I hardly ever saw him. He never made the effort to see me or invited me to his new house. I realised my parents had problems with their marraige and it had to end. What I wanted was my dad to spend time with me. He never tried.
What I am saying is your kids will get over it, but don't leave them without a dad either.

diverdad

curlzy wrote: »

, either tell her to **** off or simply walk away,

While I agree with the gist of this post I feel that the above actions would be wrong.
Do NOT become abusive. Refrain from harsh and bad langauge. NEVER become threatening.
You will only be playing into her hands and justify her idea of you as a bullying type of person. Rather (and this may be hard) speak quietly and nicely to her. When speaking to her continue to be assertive (not agressive, there is a vast differance), do not let her argue you away from an inital point or deflect a conversation.
Do be open and let her vent at you but tell her (quietly and sweetly) that you will not stand to be abused. That you don't care for her name calling, whatever...
If she begins to create a scene, looking for arguement and confrontation, tell her to please lower her tone of voice and refrain from name calling or you cannot continue any discussion with her.

DO use a lot of "I" statements which reflect your feelings; example "I feel upset/hurt by your behaviour", "I feel that we could talk better without you becoming absusive, etc..."

DO try to listen to her gripes if any real ones are raised.
DO be prepared to admit to any bad behaviours that you may have.
DO conceed if she has made a valid point, ask her quietly to discuss it with you rationally.
DO continue to maintain control over your own money and start to take an accounting of it. DON'T leave her short for household or the kids, everything else she will have to sit and discuss with you.

Continue to make your own life full and interesting. Search for your own happiness, peace and contentment.

You mentioned several times that she always let her hair down with a couple of drinks taken. So you have established that she likes a drink and reacts differently when drinking. Does she still drink? If she does is there a possibility that it may be a factor in her behaviour?

DON'T give up on your kids and continue to be as good a father as you can to them. Never argue in front of them and ask her not to either.

Get talking to her on you terms and try listening too.
Good Luck

daisybelle2008

Empty inside wrote: »

I've been married for 15 years and we have 6 kids.
I told her I didn't want to get married as there were too many issues between us but she broke down and said she couldn't live without me.

(she knew that I never wanted kids since she met me).

OK, so you didn't want to get married and you didn't want kids with her. You did the opposite of what you wanted and where has it got you?

If you want to stay with her then you accept misery. You can give your kids a good life separated. But please start to follow through with your desires and make yourself happy.

You are not setting your kids a good example by continuously doing the opposite of what you desire.

You know what you need to do and you have the power to make it work.

Debased Pixie

Empty inside wrote: »

I've been married for 15 years and we have 6 kids. However we do not have any kind of a normal relationship whatsoever. My wife never comes near me and when I reach out to her she recoils. We have gone up to two years without having sex which would surprise people as they think with a load of kids, we must be like a pair of rabbits. Nothing could be further from the truth. It took me a long while to realise that all I ever was to her was a walking wallet and spermbank to give her the lifestyle she wanted and the kids too. The only times she wanted sex, was when she wanted a baby. Unfortunately for me, I tended to hit the target pretty much straight away and once she found she was pregnant, I could get lost again.

Let me give you some background. When I met her (through work), she was pretty aloof and kept everyone at arm's length. No one really knew anything about her. After a few months working together, we got talking while on a work night out and the more she drank, the more relaxed she became and we had a great laugh. She came back to my place but I did the gentlemanly thing and gave her my bed while I slept on the couch. The next day she was back to her old cool demeanour. I asked her out a few weeks later and she said yes and we had a nice evening in a bar and the more she drank, the more relaxed she became. This set the pattern for our relationship. After a few months, we went back to my place one night and we had sex for the first time. While she is a very attractive woman, she is very shy about her body and having sex is all one sided with me doing all the "work" while she just lies there. It would appear her attitude is "well my legs are spread, what more do you want?". In the morning, when she's sobered up, she would have the sheet pulled up around her chin lest I see her body. After a couple of years, we were due to be married when I started having very serious doubts. She was incredibly bossy telling me what to wear, what to do and what to say while on the other hand, she did whatever she pleased. If she saw me talking to a female colleague, this would make her go into a huff and yet there was no problem with her dancing with other guys or when one fella had his hand on her leg in a pub (while naturally she had had a few drinks and her inhibitions had loosened). I told her I didn't want to get married as there were too many issues between us but she broke down and said she couldn't live without me. I convinced myself I was just having pre-marriage doubts and went ahead with it. However on the day of our wedding, I realised I had made an awful mistake as she just wanted her big day out in the sun while I was just the "support act". She didn't want to kiss me at all that day as it would "ruin her make up". She ignored me for most of the day, and that night, our wedding night, she refused point blank to have sex. We didn't have sex for three months until I relented and agreed to have kids (she knew that I never wanted kids since she met me). Since then, we've had sex about three or four times a year at most (with a long two year gap of no sex in between), and only when she allowed it (usually to get pregnant).

You don't know me but I am a nice guy. I get on very well with people I know and work with. I have 6 children that I utterly adore (having my children is the only good thing to come out of this marriage) and who love me judging by how they rugby tackle me every evening when I get home, with "Daddy, Daddy, give me a kiss and a hug". They are the only source of joy in my life.

I have given my wife everything I humanly can. I built our house, decorated it, put down the flooring, built a patio, bought her new cars while I drove old bangers, gave her money to go on holidays with her sisters while I haven't had a foreign holiday since 2001. She ignores me completely unless she wants something, usually money. I spend my time wondering why I married her. I did move out three years ago as I couldn't stand her coldness and perpetual sneering. However I moved back after 8 months as I missed my children so much and hated seeing the look in their eyes as I left them back to the house each weekend knowing that we wouldn't see each other for five days. They still talk now about how they missed me "that time you left us Daddy". You have no idea how much those words break my heart each time I hear them. However I cannot continue to live my life the way I do. I'm in my mid forties and I don't want to spend my life feeling so utterly lonely, so empty inside and bereft of love and affection. My kids will grow up and move away one day and I'll look back on my life wishing I had spent my life with a warm affectionate woman rather than the cold hard hearted person I live with.

Hello, I don't want to appear like I know you or your wife, but I have had some experience with what your referring too, although not anything compared to the duration. It's possible your wife has a form of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and might be a cerebral narcissist.
There is no cure. It might be worthwhile checking it out on the web. You don't have anything to lose, and it might give you some answers.
My narcissist was like a robot in bed, very attractive too (so typical of NPD)

Taltos

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fungun

Empty Inside wrote: »

We went to counselling shortly after I moved back into the house and it was a pure and utter waste of time. My wife would sit there and say how I'm always bad tempered (which I am not, if anything, she is), how I control the money (if so, why did I set up a joint account and give her full access to it, which she would practically empty btw and leave me scrambling to find money for the mortgage), how I was constantly demanding sex (which I wasn't but I think sex is part of a normal relationship. 3 or 4 times a year is not normal imo), how I would tell my mother and brothers about our marital difficulties (I didn't but when I moved out, they said "we knew you were miserable for years"). When I put my side of the story across at the counselling, she crossed her arms and legs and looked away tutting and sneering as I explained her miserable I felt.

I dont quite understand what happened here. Counselling is never going to work unless you both put forward your points of view and talk them through. So when she said these things, did you not disagree, say your point of view and then talk through each of them?
Your description of the above does not sound like any counselling to me. Any counsellor worth their salt would call her on it if she started tutting and sneering. But also if you just let her away with acting like that and saying those things and didnt disagree then you cant have expected any positive outcome from the counselling, its not magic.
I also find it hard to imagine that any counselling would not have tried to get through all that and try to see to the heart of the problem rather than focus on all these things which are only symptoms of the core problems.

If you and your wife are actually agreed at all on trying to make your relationship work at all (which at this stage one or both of you may not be) then I would consider trying again with a different counsellor.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
Really sorry to hear about this situation. Especially seen as so many people involved.
I just want to say that although you have 6 kids you need to look after your own happiness. People need to be loved and life is too short. How long are you going to be a whipping boy to your wifes whims. Obviously we have heard only one side of the story and I am sure your wife has her own views and expereiences who shaped who she is but from what you describe she does not love you and basically has used you for security and a family.

I only have experience from my own parents and believe me when I say staying in a loveless relationship for the sake of kids is a mistake. It is damaging, your relationship with your wife has a huge influence on your children whether they realise it or not. It may be tough on them but if you decide to end things with your wife they will get used to it. If you are happy in your life then that will be a more positive influence on them. One thing about life, if you are unhappy there is always something that can be done, something to change to make you happier.

OP you have some tough decisions to make, and probably a couple of years of tough times ahead but try and look to five years from now and see where you'd like to be.

Best of luck.

Emme

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Not much options here. The courts will discriminate against you and she will certainly get custody of the children. She'll get the house and you'll be paying maintenaince as well as covering the rent for wherever you live

Her behaviour sounds borderline sociopathic. How did she react when you moved out for 8 months?

There's no answer here from what I can see. Its move out, miss the kids and leave them alone with that woman or continue with what you're doing.

I'd say get yourself to a counseller and explain the situation. Might help structuring your own thoughts and deciding what you want.

I agree here. I really feel sorry for you OP. I'm not an advocate of infidelity but in your case I wouldn't blame you if you had an affair just to stay sane. It wouldn't be the answer of course.

You said that your wife grew up seeing her father belittled by her mother and she grew up to do that to you. Do you want your children to grow up seeing you constantly belittled and treated as an ATM? The children wouldn't be happy if your marriage broke up but it would be good for them to see you standing up for yourself.

I think your wife will fight tooth and nail for her "position" in society if you went to leave. It sounds that this is more important to her than her relationship with you. You need to be around for the children no matter what happens, because it's fine now they're young and do what she says, but when they get older and develop minds of their own the s*** will hit the fan. They will need you then and if you have moved out might be glad to take shelter with you if things aren't going well with their mother.

LegacyUser

sounds like you already have your mind made up on what you're going to do, OP

HOWEVER

i'd strongly advise being careful about how you go about ending your marriage. i'd sit her down and try and discuss things without putting the blame on her - she sounds like she could be quite vindictive and would try and screw you in the divorce. if you can get her to acknowledge that your marriage is awful by having a reasonable discussion you can have an amicable divorce. things will only get better for you once you sort this, bruv, DBS - dont be scared.

LegacyUser

Thanks to all for the replies.

I know that there is no resolving my mess of a marriage. I didn't have the balls to carry through with my decision not to marry her as I couldn't bear to see her sobbing her heart out a week before our wedding when I said that it just wouldn't work between us. Looking back, I felt at the time that her raw emotion was real and that her icy exterior was finally cracking. It wasn't and I got suckered into getting married and then faced the open threat of no sex unless I agreed to have kids.

She wasn't my first girlfriend and I was lucky enough to go out with lots of intelligent, attractive and fun women and so there's no excuse in my mind for picking a "wrong one". She is mentally unhinged is some respects. She mutters constantly under her breath just loud enough for me to know that its directed at me and when I finally lose my temper, she has a smile from ear to ear with the satisfaction of knowing she's gotten to me. She contradicts me constantly in front of the kids just to prove who's "boss" of the house. She didn't lift a finger to do anything in the house and yet she gets aggrieved if someone compliments me on the wooden floor I've put down or the patio I built as its "her house" and she should get the praise.

Her sister and kids were up for the weekend and I was the one who was up on Saturday and Sunday morning to feed all the kids (as usual) while she and her sister stayed in bed. I was left minding all ten kids while she went to the shops with her sister. Some people think I'm too soft or a wimp but I'm not. However, I hate arguments over stupid little matters. Trouble is, my tendency to walk away has given her carte blanche to say and do what she wants. When I do stand up to her, she just sneers or starts singing like a lunatic.

I just wish she would leave and let me and the kids get on with our lives. However I can't see her giving up the nice house or the nice car and going back to the basement bedsit in Rathmines where she lived when I met her. I know that she would screw me for every penny if and when we finally split as she is utterly vindictive. I'd love to make her undergo a psychiatric examination as there is something badly wrong with her.

As for money, I've recently closed the joint account (although as I was the only one who ever put anything into it, it could hardly be called a "joint" account, more like her personal slush fund) so I can be sure that the mortgage is paid each month as she can no longer withdraw the money set aside for it. I told her to open her own account and I put €250 a week into it for food which I think is plenty but she doesn't. I pay everything else, e.g. kids clothes, bills, car tax and insurance etc etc. Funny how there never seems to be food in the house though. What the hell does she do with the money??????

I've been and probably still am a mug. I have had enough of her though and although she is still very attractive, I wouldn't touch her with a bargepole and I pity any other guy who ended up with her. As for moving out, I tried that and I just couldn't afford to find another place to live as my mortgage is so high. After a few weeks sleeping in my car, my mother found out that I'd left my wife and she freaked when I told her I was sleeping in the car. I moved back home but I felt like such a failure, in my 40's and back living with my parents. I had moved out in my early 20's and bought my own house, built up my life and now it was all gone through no fault of my own. I guess sub-consciously, moving back to my house was partly because I didn't want to surrender it to her as all our "family" assets were mine as she had nothing to her name when we met.

As for counselling, my experience with the last one was entirely negative. Week in, week out, she accepted everything my wife said as gospel while I was cross examined on everything. While I admitted my faults, my wife got away scot free. I said this to the counsellor after 6 sessions and she was taken aback and felt that she was being even handed. When she did question my wife about matters that upset me, my wife was furious and wouldn't interact at all with the counsellor. Perhaps going to see someone I can talk too would be a good idea as I'm utterly fed up with life.

Typing this and reading it, it makes me see how utterly bloody miserable I am. To me, my life is a chore, not something I enjoy. I get up at 6.30am and go to work. I get home around 6.30pm, search for my dinner as its usually hidden in a different spot each day, play with the kids for an hour and then put them to bed, read them a story and then I sit down in front of the tv for a couple of hours before going to bed.

There is nothing between me and her, never was if I'm honest. In the past, I've gone out with a women for a few weeks and been closer to her than I am to my wife after 15 years.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, from reading your posts i have to say that though I have some sympathy for your obvious unhappiness, I cant help feeling you're very much acting the victim here and have not stood up to her, been a man, demanded her respect or explain to her in no uncertain terms that if she does not respect you, you will leave her and the kids.
I mean you go on like you have no intimacy, connection or liking for this woman, in fact it sounds like you hate her. Now you know your wife is going to pick up on this right? Do you think she will have an epiphany, a sudden personality change and start loving and getting in bed with you? Never going to happen. But then what have you done, to establish intimacy? You say there's no sex, but how could there be when you both hate each other? Sex is an expression of a deep emotional and physical connection between two people who love each other very much. Without any connection then yes its a cold baby making act, which is what it has been for you both. So do you get what I mean? Your looking for something that isn't there!! And sorry, but for women much more than men this HAS to be there(an emotional connection) to have a happy physical relationship. You say from the counselling it seemed to her that all you want was more sex..thats all she was hearing from you, a desire for physical ralationship when you dont want to establish the necessary connection first, you just want to her to magically turn into your lover!! why would she! You don't love each other!!!

So have you genuinely in every way possible tried to connect with her, I mean really tried to talk to her, listen to what's troubling her (I can promise you she is not happy either) and be prepared for some tough honesty that maybe wont be nice for you to hear? This requires you to take yourself out of your own perspective, put your resentments aside, and really work hard to really see her, really feel what its like for her on a day to day basis. Sit her down after a long day, she's tired too, she has 6 kids! and ask HOW are YOU? Be the model husband, its going to be HARD work. AND THEN after you've tried everything, and there's no change, then you can walk away, happy in the knowledge that you are the better person who did everything to save the marraige. Now I know you wont want to do this, because your resentments are so huge. Its easier to list how sh*t you feel, how she made your life hell etc, but do you not see you have not been a observer in this situation, it has been YOUR life that you have lived and let this happen so therefore the blame is 50/50. You've shown yourself as a very passive person who acts opposite to how they are really feeling. This is not a good trait in a man, sorry I have been blunt and but every situation needs another perspective. So please at least try it, who knows you may uncover a very vulnerable and loving person who has build up walls through lack of real connection with anyone. You married the person does it not even deserve this much? Just an idea. Sure it may not work but as i said you have to try.

aidan24326

As well as speaking to a counsellor, get yourself a good family law solicitor asap as this vindictive sociopath will take you to the cleaners if she can get away with it (and it sounds like taking you to the cleaners is about all she ever did anyway)

But for god's sake don't be soft, as from the way you describe her whe will get nasty and if you don't stand your ground you'll get fleeced. If you've paid all the mortgage, bills etc that will be taken into consideration in any settlement. Though with young kids involved it's a certainty she'll get the house. The reason I'm just focusing on legal and financial stuff is that it doesn't sound like there's any marriage to save whatsoever, so no use even talking about counselling or anything like that.

But whatever the cost, both emotional and financial, you need out of this awful marriage and the sooner the better. And if she begs you to stay at this stage don't fall for it, you'll know it's not genuine and just a fear of losing her walking atm.

Sleepy

Bury your assets any way you can (perhaps sign the house over to a family member?) and lawyer up.

You're in for the fight of your life but it's a fight you need to fight to show your children how to stand up to bullies.