I'm in love with my *platonic* friend...

LegacyUser

Ok,I won't bore you all to tears with the in and outs of too much of the back story
but I've finally come to the realisation that I am (and for years) have been in Love with my best/platonic friend....

Oh dear God!!! how did that happen!

I've known this Girl since I was about 17/18 and she's a couple of years older than me
at the time I was still in school and she was in college,fancied her like mad at the time but I think in her mind I was a "kid" she was a "grown up"
nothing came of it.

over the years since we both had relationships but as time went on I didn't seem to have much luck with relationships that lasted a few months here and there,but never really finding anyone who truly pushed the buttons,while she had a couple of fairly long term boyfriends.

we've never been together or even kissed each other.
but all through her going out with these guys we've always made time to hang out together,without them.fairly regularly going out just the two of us to the cinema or for drinks/food whatever

fast forward to now and we are finally both single and in our early 30's,she broke up with a guy about six months ago and since we've been going out together a lot,at least once a week

The thing is that for the first couple of years that we knew each other I was crazy for her,then she went traveling for a while and was down the country training for a long time when she got back to Ireland for a new career,and I guess at the time my own life was heading off in a different direction as well.
so while I did still fancy her it kind of subsided
and I 100% started to see her more as a companion than someone I wanted to hop into bed with (I guess out of respect for her going out with someone long term I kind of knocked the "idea" on the head and tried to mentally bury it)

I also ended up in bed with her best mate a few years back when hammered on holidays and realised what I was doing before anything happened,promptly rolled over and fell asleep (but the next morning everyone knew we had shared a room so I guess it's "presumed" by our mates that we did sleep together)
she's never mentioned it to me even once

So anyway,I think for the longest time I've been putting my head in the sand and have been dishonest with myself,and her.

lately since she has broke it off with this guy things seem to have changed,
firstly we carried on doing our meeting up thing for a weeks before she even told me she had split up with him;when she felt she didn't think it was going anywhere with him
(I thought it odd that she didn't mention it? in fairness he never made an effort to meet any of her friends so we had no other mutual friends to find out from that they had split-she kept it to herself)

we definitely do seem closer and a bit more flirty whereas before we would just make stupid in-jokes and have the craic now there's definitely been a shift in what we talk about and definitely in texts (I'm always way more ballsy with what I say in texts than in person) things have been suggestive,jokingly but the tone has definitely changed
in person we've talked about deeper things/family problems of late,rather than just going out and having a good time.the topic of our "number" came up a while ago which took me by surprise (the question did-not the answers)
she's told me her mates in work have been slagging her about me because we are constantly going out as a couple,and a few days ago one of her male colleagues basically posted "is this the bloke your shagging" on her fb page

So here's the problem! for the past few weeks I'd say I'm lucky if I've been getting 4 hours sleep most nights due to the fact that I can't get her out of my head
I've been out with the lads 3-4 nights a week on the piss,trying to convince myself that this is nothing more than a figment of my imagination,for shame i scored a nurse in coppers on Monday thinking that this was all just in my head after a dry spell and that would fix it but it's no good.

I told my best mate the other day and he was shocked,he didn't see it coming at all
(he's a great friend of us both)
now we have a really large group of mutual friends,so if this goes pear shaped I don't know what's going to happen there,but I guess my massively unanswerable question is what hope have I got?

what if she's just looking for a Christmas boyfriend?
what if she's on the rebound from her last bf (even though she dumped him)?
could she have dumped him for me as it became clear he wasn't in for the long hall?

So many more questions are spinning around my head that I could easily go on and on,sorry about that!

apologies for getting a bit too "the Notebook" everyone!

right,feel free to call it as you see it!

I am a friend

Cowardly Lion wrote: »

we carried on doing our meeting up thing for a weeks before she even told me she had split up with him;when she felt she didn't think it was going anywhere with him
(I thought it odd that she didn't mention it?

I wouldnt read into that... Maybe she just wanted to sort it out in her head a bit before telling people...

Cowardly Lion wrote: »

we definitely do seem closer and a bit more flirt y whereas before we would just make stupid in-jokes and have the craic now there's definitely been a shift in what we talk about and definitely in texts

Well thats positive...

Cowardly Lion wrote: »

(I'm always way more ballsy with what I say in texts than in person) things have been suggestive,jokingly but the tone has definitely changed
in person we've talked about deeper things/family problems of late,rather than just going out and having a good time.

Thats also good. Try to be a bit braver in person so you can see her reaction.

Cowardly Lion wrote: »

the topic of our "number" came up a while ago which took me by surprise (the question did-not the answers)

I dont see how this matters?

Cowardly Lion wrote: »

she's told me her mates in work have been slagging her about me because we are constantly going out as a couple,and a few days ago one of her male colleagues basically posted "is this the bloke your shagging" on her fb page

So is she seeing someone that you dont know about?

Cowardly Lion wrote: »

So here's the problem! for the past few weeks I'd say I'm lucky if I've been getting 4 hours sleep most nights due to the fact that I can't get her out of my head
I've been out with the lads 3-4 nights a week on the piss,trying to convince myself that this is nothing more than a figment of my imagination,for shame i scored a nurse in coppers on Monday thinking that this was all just in my head after a dry spell and that would fix it but it's no good.

Well there is no harm on it but if she is into you she wont be impressed if you are out scoring girls... Maybe cut back on that until you know what way its heading with her.

Cowardly Lion wrote: »

I told my best mate the other day and he was shocked,he didn't see it coming at all
(he's a great friend of us both)
now we have a really large group of mutual friends,so if this goes pear shaped I don't know what's going to happen there,but I guess my massively unanswerable question is what hope have I got?

Sure we cant tell you that

Cowardly Lion wrote: »

what if she's just looking for a Christmas boyfriend?

She isnt 15 - who the hell wants a bf for Xmas?

Cowardly Lion wrote: »

what if she's on the rebound from her
last bf (even though she dumped him)?

Unlikely given that she dumped him and its off a good while.

Cowardly Lion wrote: »

could she have dumped him for me as it became clear he wasn't in for the long hall?

i dont see anything in your post that would let me to think that. Why was it clear he was not in it for the long haul? Why would she think you are?

OP, its almost impossible for us to tell if she is into you or not. Why not ask her?

Bottle_of_Smoke

You have to tell her. She sees you as a good friend its not right to act as if that's all it is.

Worst case scenario - the feelings aren't mutual. Its not the end of the world - as long as you accept her decision and don't turn into one of those dickheads who claims you were "led on" and begins a self righteous hate campaign, then it won't have any effect on your group of mates.

Don't worry about the friendship. A friendship where one person is interested in the other is a pointless friendship. The dynamic may change a bit but you won't be missing out on anything.

If you don't get closure on this it will get to the stage where you go home sick with jealousy every time she talks to a guy on a night out. You'll miss out on chances with other girls because you'll be afraid of ruining your chances with this girl.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

I wouldnt read into that... Maybe she just wanted to sort it out in her head a bit before telling people...

very good point,your dead right

I am a friend wrote: »

I dont see how this matters?

maybe it's meaningless but it's unusual for her to talk about her own sexlife,shes very private,anytime we've really talked about it before it was more about other people,me taking the piss out of myself or generally just talking filthy for a laugh
like I said maybe it's nothing

I am a friend wrote: »

So is she seeing someone that you don't know about?

almost positive she's not,but she was at a wedding the weekend maybe she scored somebody at that? possible and fair enough if she did,I've no problem with that
I've no right to anyway

I am a friend wrote: »

Well there is no harm on it but if she is into you she wont be impressed if you are out scoring girls... Maybe cut back on that until you know what way its heading with her.

definitely taking that on board,guess I just had to left off some steam,or at least try to
I fucing hate the place anyway!

I am a friend wrote: »

She isnt 15 - who the hell wants a bf for Xmas?

ah it was just something one of the girls in work said,threw me off a bit so that starting flying around the noggin as well,thinking about it yeah your right,that's not her at all

I am a friend wrote: »

i dont see anything in your post that would let me to think that. Why was it clear he was not in it for the long haul? Why would she think you are?

sorry to clarify that's what she told me,she broke up with him as she didn't see it going anywhere,she's just about to buy her first house in the next few months and I think that originally she thought that the two of them would be buying together,I don't really know what went wrong there

I am a friend wrote: »

OP, its almost impossible for us to tell if she is into you or not. Why not ask her?

I think for my sanity I'll have to,I'm meeting her this evening,do I have the courage to do it?

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

You have to tell her. She sees you as a good friend its not right to act as if that's all it is.

Worst case scenario - the feelings aren't mutual. Its not the end of the world - as long as you accept her decision and don't turn into one of those dickheads who claims you were "led on" and begins a self righteous hate campaign, then it won't have any effect on your group of mates.

Don't worry about the friendship. A friendship where one person is interested in the other is a pointless friendship. The dynamic may change a bit but you won't be missing out on anything.

If you don't get closure on this it will get to the stage where you go home sick with jealousy every time she talks to a guy on a night out. You'll miss out on chances with other girls because you'll be afraid of ruining your chances with this girl.

again your totally right,I think I'll just have to bite the bullet but is today the day,do I just throw it out there or play some kind of a plan over say a few weeks?
I'm hopeless at this,I've never really had issues asking girls out but this is a wholly,completely different thing altogether
I can't ever imagine another "her" if this all goes wrong!

I am a friend

I think you are right to go for it.... Why wait to be happy as she is as likely to say yes today as after a few weeks... will be dying to hear how you get on. Best of luck.

Beruthiel

OP
You will regret it for the rest of your life if you don't bite the bullet and go for it.
Life is short and I suggest you do this asap, before someone else comes along and sweeps her off her feet!

LegacyUser

again thank you guys for what to you might not seem like much but when all this "stuff" is internalised in your own head it's hard to make sense of it
I need to do it,I just need to decide when
we're off to the pictures and for a bit of food later,the weathers nice out could be a good day to do it,or not...

this feels like the night before my leaving cert!

LegacyUser

AND she's just text me saying bring your stuff for work and stay over tonight,her folks are away (I've house sat for her before,but never stayed overwith her there-this is new)

SO...do I pop the question or wait? if it all goes wrong we're stuck alone in a house could be VERY awkward,but if all goes well it could be perfect
feck it-this was not in the gameplan!

HELP!!

I am a friend

Can you get home from there if it gets ugly?

LegacyUser

it's the opposite side of Dublin,but yeah I suppose I could taxi it if there's tears/smashing of plates involved

Ickle Magoo

Are you sure the first time she ever asks you to stay over is the best time to declare you want to be more than friends? While I appreciate you can't sleep and are dead keen to get the ball rolling, not sure if that's going to give her the right impression about your intentions...

LegacyUser

fair point,maybe i should just take it easy,or else it's her trying to get the ball rolling?
to i try and make a few cheeky,suggestive jokes and see how she responds?

I am a friend

Yeah maybe tonight just play it my ear... It's interesting she is asking you to stay.

Ickle Magoo

Cowardly Lion wrote: »

fair point,maybe i should just take it easy,or else it's her trying to get the ball rolling?
to i try and make a few cheeky,suggestive jokes and see how she responds?

I think you should flirt outrageously and see if she will seduce you - rather than making the move yourself...and if she doesn't bite then tell her how you feel next time you meet.

LegacyUser

thanks guy,you've been briliant!
I am a friend-I thin it either means I'm so far in the friends zone that I'm practically female in her eyes,like I said we're very relaxed around each other (usually-I'm bricking it right now) or else it means she's interested

I've no idea which way this will go so im thinking ickle has the right idea,flirt outrageously and blame the pints if it goes down like a lead balloon!

right no i really must get out of here!

again thanks guys and I'll report back,oh and any other advice or opinions please post as i'll be able to read them on the luas over

cheers
Mr Lion.

nicechick!

MR LION!

Go for it jaysus why wait!! whats the worst that will happen your ego will be slightly bruised if she isn't interested but you can't torment yourself not knowing! Go for it and make sure you keep us all posted here!!

Good luck

Taltos

nicechick! - PI/RI is not for our amusement. Requests to the OP to keep us up to date can result in warnings/infractions. If you have not already done so please review our charter.

Taltos

LegacyUser

Well I bottled it
,went for dinner
,rented to really good films and laughed ourselves stupid
Stayed up till three and then had a pillow fight on the couch
That really was my chance but I just,froze!!
Really pissed off with myself
The head is completely melted this morning
Kipped in seperate rooms,but to be honest I didn't sleep a wink
had to resist to just blurt it out in a text,which thankfully I did


So sorry folks no fireworks here today!

I am a friend

Was she flirting with you?

I think its better it didnt happen when you were staying over. Now you can ask her on a proper date rather than looking opportunistic by making a move on her while staying in the same house.

Taltos

Totally agree with I am a friend.
Now is the time to act on this - call her up and ask to meet up today.

By waiting at this point all you will do is allow an opportunity for her to meet someone else. Who knows, maybe she hoped something would happen (a pillow fight - oh really) but since it didn't is now thinking that you just don't look at her that way.

Nothing might come of this - but you are much better off finding out now that for the next few years wondering - "oh what if..." - and who knows maybe just maybe something might happen. For what its worth - my OH and I got together after a similar night like you describe - but I nearly bottled it and waiting almost too long to act, when I rang a week later I was told "thought you just weren't interested"...

Aseth

Cowardly lion wrote: »

Well I bottled it
,went for dinner
,rented to really good films and laughed ourselves stupid
Stayed up till three and then had a pillow fight on the couch
That really was my chance but I just,froze!!
Really pissed off with myself
The head is completely melted this morning
Kipped in seperate rooms,but to be honest I didn't sleep a wink
had to resist to just blurt it out in a text,which thankfully I did
So sorry folks no fireworks here today!

I read all your posts and one thing came to my mind: is it possible she feels exactly the same way about you as you feel about her?
You said she never invited you to stay over and she got flirty in her texts?
Can she be going through the same as you are?
I also agree with others you should talk to her about it - maybe invite her for a walk? Or somewhere quiet? If you know her for so long and she is your friend what is there to be afraid of?
You don't expect her to laugh at you? Or to tell you she doesn't want to see you anymore?

Neyite

OP,
The same thing happened to me. Was on a sofa with a male friend and nothing happened. We texted for a day or so and my head was all over the place I fancied him so bad but didnt know how he felt about me.

Got a text from him saying "I really wanted to kiss you the other night on the sofa" and I responded in kind, with "I wanted you to kiss me too"

That was over 7 years ago and we are still mad about each other and expecting our first baby.

Why not send a text like that. If she responds in a similar way, you have your answer. If she texts back as a mate, then she probably cares about you enough as a friend to gently tell you she does not feel the same.

Beruthiel

Cowardly lion wrote: »

Stayed up till three and then had a pillow fight on the couch

Ah come on OP, could she BE any more obvious????
Sort yourself out before she starts thinking that you are just not interested and moves on.

nicechick!

Taltos wrote: »

nicechick! - PI/RI is not for our amusement. Requests to the OP to keep us up to date can result in warnings/infractions. If you have not already done so please review our charter.

Taltos

Apologies

Soul Stretcher

Nothing to add to what has been said before except to keep us updated on how you get on.... would love to see a good outcome here !

Ickle Magoo

Soul Stretcher warned for ignorning on-thread warning.

As previously stated on-thread - please do not request that posters come back and give feedback on how their issues/lives pan out to satisfy any morbid curiosity.

OP, as you have been given ample advice on how to go forward with this, I'm locking the thread.