Need advice about friends

LegacyUser

Hi all. Regular poster here so going unreg for this. Only a minor issue really, but I'm unsure how to approach it.

I'm in my late 20s and am still friends with a small close knit group of girls who I have been friends with since school (wow, this already sounds childish!). Anyways, over the years, I suppose I've become fed up with two of them, me always making the effort and organising things.

This year, I decided to more or less stop bothering with them for a few reasons. The first reason was my birthday this year. Both friends sent me a text saying they weren't arsed going out (one was too busy sitting in with her boyfriend and the other was too tired). I realised that the two of them haven't made it out for my birthday in nearly 10 years. I've organised and planned their birthdays most years - surprise meals, weekends away, drinks etc.

Also, a few years ago when I was moving abroad for a year, they both went down to the country for the night instead of seeing me off at my leaving drinks.

The straw that broke the camel's back was this year. I've been sick since the summer, off work at home (going back soon thankfully!). Neither of them have even bothered to pick up the phone to ask how I am. A friend who lives abroad came home a few weeks ago and kicked up with them for being sh*tty friends, they were all apologies and explanations to her about it, but still haven't bothered to call me.

I just got an email about xmas drinks off one of them. Would you bother going or not? I'm so fed up and pissed with them at the moment, I don't even want to reply. I know this sounds really childish and insignificant compared to some of the issues on here but it just seems like a one-sided friendship, which I got a bit sick of trying to upkeep.

Any advice would be great

LegacyUser

They don't sound like friends let alone good friends.

It took me a while to cut ties with certain friends or even just to turn them into very casual friendships - and it was generally the one sided friendships which I did that to.

There are lots of decent people out there - go make some new buddies.

LegacyUser

I had a similar experience to you. I think with friends like that you've just got to see how they are, accept it and treat them the same. There are people like you out there but generally people just suit themselves. I stopped contacting one friend of mine about a year ago and I think he's invited me out for drinks about once, I used to do the organising. And that once was because his girlfriend was out for drinks with her friends (I live near her) and once she text him to go to hers he upped and left me.

The straw that broke the back for me was New Year's last year. He suggested we go out. I sent the invites out. He turned up at first and said he had to go 'cause his girlfriend was kicking up. He went to a party and didn't give us an invite.

I just do things to suit myself now. I find my friends from school irritating. Being from a city I can say city suburbs can be as bad as a village sometimes for the amount of sewage they expel orally.

Just because they suit themselves doesn't make them bad. But don't hurt yourself by putting them on a pedestal and expecting a lot in return. Use(in the best sense of the word) them for your own benefit. For example, that night out that's being organised - Does it suit you to go out that night and converse? If so, go! If not, don't. That way you get the good side of it all and can tolerate the bad aspects.

It's so true what they say: Friends come and go but family (generally) is forever.

Colonel Panic

I wouldn't bother. A few of my school friends pull the same stuff...

"Oh we must meet for pints sometime"

But then I hear nothing from them when I try to actually arrange something.

I don't really begrudge them having their own lives, I have my own life and other friends too, but we're either friends or we're not so don't bother contacting them any more!

Katgurl

I would suit yourself.

If you are free that night and fancy heading out, do. If you are not in the humour, cancel on them.

qwertytlk

We've all had non-friends like that i think. I certainly have. If i were you id see them for what tha are, people who you used to be close to but grew apart. Dont hassle yourself or stress over them anymore. Do your own think with your other friends and leave them too it... And if its a case you dont have many other friends then go and make some because there are people out there who will be much better friends than those two!
As for the xmas drinks, well thats up to you but id say if you do decide to go then dont do any organising. Let them do it all, you just turn up and enjoy the night out like they have done so many times in the past.
Best of luck

Big Bag of Chips

Don't NOT go just to prove a point. They won't even notice to be honest and you'll just annoy yourself all night, getting annoyed about them not noticing that you're annoyed!

If you'd like to go, to maybe meet up with others who will be there, and think you might enjoy yourself, inspite of "the other 2", then go.

And make a resolution in the new year to stop expecting them to be different. Then you won't be disappointed!

Some people are just bad at being good friends. That doesn't necessarily mean they are bad people. And I'm sure they are flaky like that with lots of people, so its nothing personal.

ManOfMystery

There's always a lot of threads on here about 'friends' who are unsupportive, selfish, self-righteous, intolerant, etc.

And in each case, my reply is the same : Why do you consider this person as a 'friend'?

Dictionary definition of a friend :a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard

From your post, I don't see much hinting at anything regarding affection or personal regard from either of these 2 people. If they're not enriching your life, and you in turn invest a lot of time and effort in theirs, they are not friends - they're leeches. So stop wasting any of your time worrying about what they're thinking or doing, and get on with your life without them.