Drinking mother driving me mad

qwertytlk

I just dont know how to deal with my mum. I love her buy she literally drives Me insane. For example tonight she came to my house to spend the night. When she dirt got here she was great....we talked, played with the baby and made dinner. All fine. Then she decided to have a glass of wine an it all went down the toilet. There isn't anything in particulate she does when drunk, i just hate everything she does after she's had a drink. She isn't an alcoholic or anything, but defo a binge drinker. And she seems to get drunk instantly like after a glass of wine, yet she will keep drinking and acting like a ****in idiot and drive me crazy. I know this prob doesn't sound like an issue but its such a big one to me that the thought of my sons first xmas is filling me with dread as we will be going to my mams answer obvious as its xmas she will be drinking a fair bit.
Iv tried to talk to her about it before but she brushes it off every time, or makes this face and acts totally disgusted like im being the meanest, most horrible buzz killer or something.


i know i prob sound like such a bitch, or a begrudger but its just the way i feel. And its not just me, my brothers feel same/similar too... I would even mind if she didn't drink so much. Then i could handle it but every time i see her she almost always ends the night with a few drinks. Like say she's not an every day drinker, this would ne every 1-2 weeks. She also rings me durin the week or il ring her and it will be blatantly obvious she has been drinking so it hard to talk to her, then if i say 'mam your drinkin/drunk she wil deny it down to the ground which is very irritating as she will be slurring her words!

Like i said iv tried to talk to her and tried lots of diff approaches like asking her not to drink around me, not to drink in my house as i dont like it, not to drink around my son or wait until he goes to bed (i would always be sober, i never drink with her) and countless other things but it never works. It baffles me as if someone said any of the above to me i would never drink in their home again or whatever the case was. But she always still does...so does that mean she doesn't care or can't help it/wants to so bad?
Its getting to the stage where i just dont want to go to her house or her to mine, or attend any social occasion that she will be at. Something needs to ne done but i just can't see what. She is a Loving caring brilliant mother/grandmother....apart from this. I dont want to loose her or for the relationship to suffer or totally break down over this but i just cant see a way to sort it if she won't stop!
Help

Taltos

Hi OP.

I know you said she is not an alcoholic and is just a binge drinker however from the actions you describe (her calling you during the week slurring her words etc) I fail to see the difference.
An alcoholic does not need to be drinking every single night - for some it can just be letting go once a week. It really sounds like once she even has a taste she loses all control...

There are a few things you can do - however before I get to those there is one thing you have to face - you cannot change her.
If she is an alcoholic or just a binge drinker - these as hateful as it sounds are her choice. She chooses to lift that first glass and in so doing accepts the consequences.

Now all you can do is take responsibility for your own life and that of your child's.
Maybe reach out to Al-anon (details in the charter).
Also take a stand, talk to your mum one last time - make it clear that while you love her with all your heart you can no longer be around her when she drinks - if that means then that you spend Christmas at home with your immediate family and without her - well then that is what you must do.
If this means that when she rings your drunk, you simply hang up - again this is what you have to do.

It is not going to be easy, but maybe by seeing that in continuing her spiral of self-abuse (that is what binge drinking is) she is pushing away the people she loves maybe she will change - though maybe not...

One thing we did with my Mum after she admitted she had a drink problem was that when she visited any of us - there was no drink in sight, coffee/tea/etc were there but nothing else. Actually I think the first time one of my brother's wives slipped and brought out the wine I waited until everyone left and went through them like a hot knife through butter.

Hope you manage to work something out OP - if not sometimes all you can do is separate yourself and your child from a bad situation or person even if you love that person with all your heart.

Danniboo

Taltos wrote: »

Hi OP.
I know you said she is not an alcoholic and is just a binge drinker however from the actions you describe (her calling you during the week slurring her words etc) I fail to see the difference.
An alcoholic does not need to be drinking every single night - for some it can just be letting go once a week. It really sounds like once she even has a taste she loses all control...
There are a few things you can do - however before I get to those there is one thing you have to face - you cannot change her.
If she is an alcoholic or just a binge drinker - these as hateful as it sounds are her choice. She chooses to lift that first glass and in so doing accepts the consequences.
Now all you can do is take responsibility for your own life and that of your child's.
Maybe reach out to Al-anon (details in the charter).
Also take a stand, talk to your mum one last time - make it clear that while you love her with all your heart you can no longer be around her when she drinks - if that means then that you spend Christmas at home with your immediate family and without her - well then that is what you must do.
If this means that when she rings your drunk, you simply hang up - again this is what you have to do.
It is not going to be easy, but maybe by seeing that in continuing her spiral of self-abuse (that is what binge drinking is) she is pushing away the people she loves maybe she will change - though maybe not...
One thing we did with my Mum after she admitted she had a drink problem was that when she visited any of us - there was no drink in sight, coffee/tea/etc were there but nothing else. Actually I think the first time one of my brother's wives slipped and brought out the wine I waited until everyone left and went through them like a hot knife through butter.
Hope you manage to work something out OP - if not sometimes all you can do is separate yourself and your child from a bad situation or person even if you love that person with all your heart.

There's a world of difference between a "binge drinker" and an alcoholic. 4 drinks or more in one sitting is considered binge drinking. Just to clarify OP you say your mother drinks every week or fortnight? As for the drinking during the week that's not the best thing to be doing. It's hard to clarify how bad your mams "problem" is or if she does indeed have a problem. As you've said you don't think she's an alcoholic. As for the slurring the words thing and lying about her drinking, yeah that's a classic sign of problem drinking, but it's possible your mother knows you judge her for having a few glasses of wine so feels she needs to hide it from you. You say she wrecks your head and keeps on drinking, what exactly does she do that wrecks your head? Most people would be irritated if sober listening to a very drunk person, that doesn't necessarily mean that there's anything wrong with the person. If your mam gets tipsy after one glass of wine is it possible that her only problem is having a very low tolerance for alcohol. Your post has a lot of conflicting information OP, could probably give better advice if the information was more precise. Have you sat your mam down while sober and explained how this makes you feel? Without being judgemental

username123

Danniboo wrote: »

It's hard to clarify how bad your mams "problem" is or if she does indeed have a problem.

Of course she has a problem! It doesnt matter if its one drink, ten drinks, once a week, 7 nights a week - the point here is that the woman has been asked NOT to drink in her daughters home, in front of her grandchild and she persists in doing it! And when her daughter tries to address it to her she brushes it off or acts like her daughter is buzz killing - thats RIDICULOUS behaviour for an adult - she should have respect in someone elses home and go by their rules, and she should listen to a concern her daughter has about her behaviour when she is drinking.

OP - Im sorry to be so harsh but Id stop inviting her to your home if she insists on drinking there when you ask her not to. If you do not like being around her when she drinks and you go to her home - leave when she begins to drink. End of. Make it clear by your behaviour that her behaviour is not acceptable to you.

If you phone her and she is drunk tell her that there is no point in having a conversation right now and you will phone when she is sober.

Dont spend christmas there if you dont agree with her behaviour.

You have a role in this OP, your current behaviour is enabling her behaviour - stop enabling it, draw a line in the sand, make your feelings clear and be firm about it.

Another poster has already given you details about Alanon - Id recommend going there also.

Danniboo

username123 wrote: »

Of course she has a problem! It doesnt matter if its one drink, ten drinks, once a week, 7 nights a week - the point here is that the woman has been asked NOT to drink in her daughters home, in front of her grandchild and she persists in doing it! And when her daughter tries to address it to her she brushes it off or acts like her daughter is buzz killing - thats RIDICULOUS behaviour for an adult - she should have respect in someone elses home and go by their rules, and she should listen to a concern her daughter has about her behaviour when she is drinking.

OP - Im sorry to be so harsh but Id stop inviting her to your home if she insists on drinking there when you ask her not to. If you do not like being around her when she drinks and you go to her home - leave when she begins to drink. End of. Make it clear by your behaviour that her behaviour is not acceptable to you.

If you phone her and she is drunk tell her that there is no point in having a conversation right now and you will phone when she is sober.

Dont spend christmas there if you dont agree with her behaviour.

You have a role in this OP, your current behaviour is enabling her behaviour - stop enabling it, draw a line in the sand, make your feelings clear and be firm about it.

Another poster has already given you details about Alanon - Id recommend going there also.

I was talking about a problem in terms of being an alcoholic!

username123

Danniboo wrote: »

I was talking about a problem in terms of being an alcoholic!

I get ya Danniboo, I was using the broader meaning of a problem with the situation in general - although the situation does concern someones drinking, which to me is a red flag re possible alcoholism when they refuse to address/acknowledge how their drinking behaviour affects others.

That said, there isnt enough info to glean whether or not the mother is an alcoholic - the definition of which is pretty fuzzy at the best of times!!

If ANYONE said to you 'oh Id prefer if you didnt drink in my house' - then the 'normal' response is to not drink in that persons house, out of respect that its their home, their rules. To go ahead regardless is worrying behaviour in my experience.