Dad has cancer know I wont cope when he goes..

Supercell

My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer a couple of years a go and given - 5 years. Its getting close to the 5 years and while that is fantastic I really cannot bare to think about when he goes.
I'm the eldest and will be expected to speak at mass etc, but I know I can't, I'll be in total bits, just thinking about it tears me up. My younger brother who others probably think is closer would be a better choice but I am sure he will ask me to speak.

What to say, i just freak out about the whole thing

teachertrixibel

Hi Supercell,

The first thing I would say is enjoy all the time that you have left with your dad instead of thinking about when he is gone...

No-one should "expect" you to do anything at the mass - people react in different ways when someone dies. Don't put yourself through speaking at the mass just because you feel you should - it's just not worth the heartache and upset for you.

When my mum died, none of us were able to speak at the mass, so we didn't. My dad wrote a few words and one of my uncles read them. People will and DO understand if you don't want to speak.

Enjoy this time with your dad - build as many happy memories now that you can and don't have ANY regrets when he does pass... You are lucky in that you were given the opportunity to "prepare" for his passing. I was in the same boat when my mum died and while it is extremely painful knowing they are getting closer to the end, I feel I was blessed to have been given that time, rather than just losing her suddenly.

Thinking of you,
Trix
x

horsemeat

Sorry to hear about your dad.
I hope you are ok. Unfortunately I can't offer you any advice, only be strong for your family and your younger siblings and your mom. Enjoy the time you have with your dad.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
xx

Darlughda

Hi Supercell,

Woke up tonight in bits of tears and grief over my Dad. It's nearly 10 years now. Very rare it happens any more. The overwhelming grief like that. It used to be every few hours and days at first, and and now 10 years on it can just be out of the blue every 6 months or 1yr maybe.

Don't feel under pressure to read out at the ceremony. Its a hard thing to do at the best of times for most people.

If your dad is really sick now just try to spend as much time as you can with him. Nothing is ever perfect, and its really hard when they are sick and in pain. Wishing you strength.

Supercell

Thanks guys, your kind words really do help. I think I'll just opt out of making the speech at mass when the day comes. I know my wife will be super supportive, don't know what I'd do without her
Trix you are right about being lucky to have the time to prepare for it. I do see him a lot more these days than before and I hope I wont have any regrets later or things I could have or should have done for him as at least we are ready as can be.

Darkginger

My Dad was diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer in 2001 - and he's still here Like you, I think I was in shock for the first couple of years - how could MY Dad have cancer? You can't help but think about all the scenarios of the future and how you'll cope with them - but my advice is to simply realise that you WILL cope with them, and not to waste time anticipating future pain - just enjoy your Dad whilst you have him. Take time to tell him how you feel about him, how he's been a good Dad, etc. Don't leave things left unsaid because you think talking about his illness and future demise will upset him. Dad and I have come to be very open about this - I think it helps him to know he can talk to me about death without freaking me out - after all, we're all afraid of dying (well, I am, and Dad is) and being able to talk to someone about that fear - from either side, losing a loved one, or dying - is a comfort. Just be there for him, and let him be there for you.

I'm not going to speak at my Dad's funeral - my words wouldn't bring comfort to anyone, and those who know Dad - well, they know him, they don't need me to tell them what he's like. If they don't know him, it's a bit late to be introducing him to them. Funerals are supposed to be a comfort and a closure for people who care about the deceased - no one should 'expect' anything of you. If you want to mark his passing and celebrate his life, maybe publish an obituary in your local paper? Anyone with an ounce of empathy will understand that you're not up to 'performing' at the funeral - and why should you?

I really do empathise, and hope that your father's passing is an easy one, and that you find the strength to offer support to your siblings and others who love him - as they will support you.

Fittle

I've been to alot of funerals lately unfortunately - some of my friends parents have been hitting a certain age. My own parents died a long time ago.

At every funeral, I so admire those who get up and speak and reduce the whole congregation to tears - but I also completely understand that there are those who can't speak at a loved ones funeral. I was one of them - there was no way I could have gotten up and spoken at either of my parents funerals - we also asked a family member to speak on behalf of us. At a recent funeral, the wife and children of the deceased stood arm in arm on the altar, as the priest read out something they'd prepared (still gives me a lump in my throat)...

So you see OP, you don't have to speak at your dads funeral at all - people understand...there are no set rules for funerals, people do what they can.

Sometimes at a months mind (if you have one) people are that bit stronger and feel much more confident saying something about their loved one - perhaps you could do that? Or perhaps not.

Enjoy the time you have left with your dad OP, take care.

The Rook

Hi Supercell,

Sorry to hear about your Dad, having been through a very similar situation I know how you're feeling.

One thing I can say is never ever feel that you have to do something at the funeral that you don't want to do. When my Dad died there were 6 kids in our family, and not one of us spoke at his funeral mass. Granted we did readings and prayers at the mass, but I couldn't bring myself (nor could any of my siblings) to talk about the great man.

What we did instead was the 4 sons in our family escorted the coffin down the aisle of the church to the waiting hearse. People who I've spoken to since (it happened nearly ten years ago) say that it was one of the most dignified and respectful things they've seen so maybe think about something like that.

But above all, you still have your Dad right now. Try not to spend your time worrying about what you'll do when he passes, and enjoy the time that you have together before it happens. I know I'd give up so so much to have my Dad with me again for even a few hours so for all the time he has with you, enjoy it, maybe even talk to your Dad about it, tell him how you feel and see what fatherly advice he can give?

Mr Simpson

Hi Supercell. Hope your doing ok. Some really great advice on this thread, the best advice you can get is to only do what your comfortable with, its a tough time and nobody expects you to be superhuman. Remember if you ever need to chat or just vent, theres plenty of people here to listen.

Mark