how to deal with denial?

LegacyUser

I don't know if this is possible but - I seem to be in denial that my sister has died. She passed away over a year ago, and, though I went to pieces at her bedside when she stopped breathing, I feel like I haven't mourned her since -

I go to her grave and feel nothing. There are photos of her everywhere in the family home that don't upset me, nor do memories of her that we speak of, or reading through old emails, nor did I cry on her birthday etc.

But, she meant so much to me - she was the person I was closest to in my family apart from my mother. We did a ton of traveling together just the two of us, and had so much in common - she was a huge part of my life, and so - I don't understand how I'm just 'carrying on' with my life straight after her death?!

If I read sad poetry, or watch sad movies, I will cry my heart out - But it's the sad things related to others triggering those tears not me thinking I'll never see her again - I'm so confused, and I don't understand why I'm not mourning her. I get frustrated easily when my parents get so upset (even though I know it's awful of me, and do my best not to let it show) or if they 'talk' to her, or even just say 'love you' passing her room etc.

Has anyone else felt like this, or have any ideas?! I've toyed with going to counselling but to be honest - I'm not at a point in my life right now where I can risk having someone unravel whatever guard I've put up, and for me to go to pieces in grief like my family all are. But, is it possible to be aware you're in denial?

Payton

We all deal with grief in different ways.
Counselling is an option and it might suit you, you say your family went to peices and that is normal its just an out pouring of grief.
Do you have a close friend that you can talk to, if that helps.

LegacyUser

Hi confusedindenial

Firstly I'm really sorry for your loss. I'm a long time lurker on boards and this is my first time posting but when I read your post I felt as if you were finally someone who understood what I was going through! Yes, I think it is possible to be in denial!

It's been over 8 years since I lost my sister. Yes, I went to pieces when I found out she had died but after her funeral I didn't cry in public and any crying I did was usually brought on by something else. I too used to get aggitated when my parents mentioned her or wanted to talk about her, I think that could have been me being in denial. I still have moments when I get upset or cry (usually in private) but up until recently I thought I was doing ok.

A few months ago, my parents organised for myself and the rest of my siblings to go see a psychotherapist and I couldn't believe my reaction when I was in her office, I completely broke down. She advised me that I should go for further counselling as I never gave myself the chance to grieve properly, I had been putting on a front to everyone else, my family because they were already going through it and I wanted to be strong for them; and my friends and others as I don't want to be the "the girl whose sister died" and I didn't want to bore them with my problems.

I miss and think of my sister every day since she died. We were always a very close family and still are but I think it's finally hitting me that I'm really never going to see her again, she's never coming home. I can't deny it any more.

I met a wonderful man almost a year ago and slowly bit by bit I'm opening up to him about it all, he's not putting any pressure on me to do anything and I've recently started the process of going to a counsellor, I haven't been yet but I've started the process....something I'm terrified of doing as I have a feeling as soon as I step inside the office the flood gates will open and that's something I've been putting off for 8 years!

Noone can tell you how to grieve and noone knows what's best for you. You have to deal with your grief in your own way and in your own time. Go to counselling when you feel it's right. You are mourning your sister, you're subconsciously doing it in the way that is safe for you.

Take care xx

Coolchic

Hi confusedindenial,
I wish I could help you but I'm not sure I can,its just that when I read your post I recognised your reaction immediately. I lost my Mom suddenly a few weeks ago. At 1st I was totally numb.I did cry but really more in shock than grief I think.It was like I was afraid to cry,because that would be acknowledging that Mom was gone,and there was no way in hell I was prepared to do that. I believe now that that is probably a lot of peoples reaction to the passing of a loved one. As human beings-and we are all, after all,only human- we really can only cope with so much at one time,and if our minds feel we can't cope right at that point with a life-changing loss,then our minds will just pretend it didn't happen. This is like a kind of self-preservation,too. I know that speaking for myself,I couldn't and can't allow myself to let go,because if I did,who knows what might happen?
I can't allow myself to feel just yet,because I'm not ready to,I'm not ready to let Mom go,just yet...and yet I feel that the old saying that says 'those we love don't go away,they walk beside us everyday' is true. Our loved ones never,ever leave us,they're always present in one way or another.
That offers great comfort.
One day you will allow yourself to cry,but only when you're ready.Don't be too hard on yourself...everything takes time.
Hope this helps,x.

Littleblondehen

Hi Confusedindenial,

I wish I knew the answer or could help. Until I read this I've been thinking that maybe it's just me, my granny died 3 weeks ago. I went to bits at the funeral, but since then nothing, it's like I've blanked out what happened. Oh i can talk about her and the week we spent in hospital with her, but it doesn't seem like she's gone but I saw her after she passed, I know she's gone I saw her. I don't think I'm making any sense, and sorry for intruding on your thread, I just saw that someone else may be going through what I am and wanted to share.

xx

LegacyUser

thanks to everyone who replied - it's always a relief to know you're not alone in what you're experiencing!

I've recently started grief counselling and have to admit that it is helping me a TON; I've found that I was (in ways) blocking off my grief, subconciously - whereas now am learning how to let myself access, and more important - acknowledge it!

Certainly there's still quite a lot to get through but, it has started and for that I am relieved!

RUDOLF289

Hello,

I am reading a book at the moment that may be of help to all who have suffered bereavement. The title is : On Grief and Grieving and it is written by Elisabeth Kuebler-Ross and David Kessler.

Elisabeth Kuebler-Ross also wrote : On Death and Dying in which she identified the five stages of grief ; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Eventhough the subject is emotionally charged, the book is easy to read and she uses clear language.

I am trying to come to terms with 3 deaths in the last 4 months(My mum, her partner and my wife). I know that counselling may be tough, but it will help to come to terms with the loss. Life will never be the same without a loved one, but in time it may get a little easier.

Hope this helps