Christmas with the family

hairyslug

Basically, am I being childish, should I swallow my pride or am I right, thats what I would like to know cause at the moment I dont know what to do

My family (me, my wife and kids) have been invited to my parents for christmas, all is fine with that, but Ive been told that my sister has been invited too. I dont get on with her to well, reason being, the usual/ unusual brother/sister stuff (her trying to stab me when I was about 12, 3 years as a child being constantly told that my parents had been killed in an accident or were not comming home again, ruining my wedding etc) I know deep down I was as a child quite jealous of her because of the attention/favouritism she got from my parents due to a few issues she made everyones lives a bit easier.

Since the age of about 16 I have tried to avoid her as much as possible and when she arrived at my wedding, uninvited, I smiled, said nothing and got on with the day.

Anyway, once I found out she was going to be at the parents at christmas, I said no, now I feel like Im blackmailing my parents, saying that I will not be there if she is, my dad is old, not to well, caught MRSA a number of years back and has never really got over it and my mother is now asking me to come incase its his last christmas.

I just know that if I do go and she is there, it wont go well and will ruin christmas not only for my parents but for my kids too.

cheers

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

I wouldn't consider being stabbed, being told your parents have been killed or having your wedding ruined as run of the mill sibling issues, if my sibling did those I'd be giving them a wide berth too. As an adult have they tried to injure you or deliberately sabotaged a day? Did they make a scene on your wedding day or just turn up unannounced?

I think you are doing the right thing saying no if they have a recent track record of such behaviour - don't feel guilty, your parents must be aware of the history and they can't possibly expect you to voluntarily sacrifice your christmas day . I don't know how close they are to you - perhaps popping over for a couple of hours the day before or after is a good compromise?

Rocket19

Unless you have reason to believe that she's going to cause any conflict, trouble or violence towards you or your family, I'd say just suck it up and go. (Its hard to tell just how strained your relationship is with your sister though...do you talk to her ever? Can you get along at all?? Do you want to?)

I mean, obviously it's your decision, and if you feel you would have a happier Christmas elsewhere, then of course don't go! But don't not go just because your sister will be there. It certainly sounds like you want to be there for your parents. Saying "I won't go if she's there" will, I imagine, just cause unnecessary upset, because lets face it, they're not gonna choose one of their children over the other, even if your sister is "problematic".

If you have to, just deal with it like any other social situation which involves interacting with people you don't like. Smile, be polite, and have as little to do with them as possible (without it being obvious or rude). If you really can't face it, why not organise dinner with (just) your parents on some other day during the Christmas period. You don't even have to mention its because of your sister, just tell them you have other plans on Christmas day, but would love to spend time with them.

Good luck : )

StillWaters

I do think it is very unfair to put your parent's in a her or me situation. Just tell a white lie and say you have decided as a family to have it in your own home/her parents have invited you.

Have a Stephen's Day lunch and invite your parents round.

Firetrap

You're caught here because your dad's in poor health and there's a belief that he might not be around for next Christmas. It's a case of looking for the least worst solution here. The most logical thing would be to go along for the day, grit your teeth, paint on a smile and go home in the evening.

What caught my eye though was this line "I just know that if I do go and she is there, it wont go well and will ruin christmas not only for my parents but for my kids too."

Why so? Is your sister horrible to your kids too? Do you think you'll snap and say something?

I think that if it's going to be unbearably fraught, how about offering to come along to visit on St. Stephen's Day?

What you're looking for here is the least worst solution. And, from a more selfish point of view, what will make you feel less guilty. If your dad does die soon, will you be looking back and regretting not going on Christmas day?

thefeatheredcat

hairyslug wrote: »

my dad is old, not to well, caught MRSA a number of years back and has never really got over it and my mother is now asking me to come incase its his last christmas.

Has this also been explained to your sister, as far as you know?

Perhaps your parents are/your mother is hoping that you can put your differences aside and enjoy the day for your father's sake and hence have invited you both for this reason, to bury the hatchet.

The best thing is have a chat with your mother and be honest. Offer a compromise as already suggested in other posts.

I don't really have great relationships with my siblings either...and have often been at the situation of not going home because of it. I've gritted my teeth and bit my tongue enough times for the sake of keeping peace to create harmony.

If you decide to go with your family for Christmas there, then go with the best of intentions. Be willing to just shelve things and if your sister picks a fight, don't be baited, and any efforts made will just see her being the bad guy. Just rise above it.

If you decide not to go, then do certainly offer an alternative to your parents but be open about it all as to why not and mention your reservations that you don't want to spoil the day for your parents or for your kids. I'm sure that the reassurance of it doesn't matter what happens but that you're all there together is what will really matter.

If you think if that you don't go you would feel regretful or guilty, or you might inadvertently cause hurt to your folks by not being there, then consider going.

2 weeks ago I nearly didn't go to see my parents for my dad's birthday because of on-going issues with my brother who lives at home. I thought about it and felt that I knew my dad would be disappointed I wouldn't be there as he and I have a good relationship. In the end, it was the right decision, all went well despite my fears of something happening between my brother and I. I knew he would be hurt if I didn't go, and that I couldn't stand the thought of that, because I would only not have gone because of my brother and felt that wasn't an acceptable reason not to go.

dafunk

How did she ruin your wedding? By showing up uninvited?

, what age was she when she trie to stab you? If eighteen, yes cause for concern, if she was ten I suspect you've blown the whole thing completely out of proportion. Myself and my siblings used to Tell each other the other was adopted. We had violent fights too. It's normal growing up, now they're my best mates.

Either way, your parents are elderly and unwell, it's selfish of you not to go and not to do it with a smile on your face and put all that stuff behind you. All they want I'm sure is to have their kids with them for the holidays. Grin and bear it for their sake, doesn't mean anything has to change with you and your sister but do the pleasantries for a few hours.

Beruthiel

hairyslug wrote: »

my mother is now asking me to come incase its his last christmas.

Uuggh, I can't stand emotional blackmail.
Your Da will most likely live to the day after, no?

hairyslug you sister is a thundering biatch and I for one would have no problem telling my parents that I'm staying at home and relaxing for Christmas day and will be over St. Stephen's day instead.
Hey, this way they get to make Christmas last longer.

daisybelle2008

You say you have avoided her since you were 16. That means everything you are P*ssed off about happened when ye were children. That is a very long time to hold a grudge about childish incidents. She turned up at your wedding, to be honest it is surprising to purposely not invite your own sister to your wedding. You said she made peoples lives easier in the family and seems to have turned up at your wedding to celebrate your day and not made trouble. As dafunk said, siblings have violent arguements. I am an older sister and I have hit my brothers over the head with saucepans, pushed them down bog holes and told them both I would swap them for sisters and teased them they were born girls and other ridiculous stuff when we were getting on each others nerves as children. It obviously would not be something that would happen as adults!! I love them to bits.
What have you done to make amends and get to know her as an adult? Wouldn't life be a lot nicer and easier for everyone especially your ill parent & kids if you two got along.

jessiejam

Why don't you invite your parents to yours at Christmas?
Tell them you want to be at home this year with the kids etc?
If your Dad is unwell maybe your mother would be delighted with the break.
Then your parents can invite your sister over Stephens Day?

Just a suggestion