Is there a future?

LovelyLottie

Seeing someone new - 3 months - how long do you wait before you start to suss out / ask whether this is going anywhere? I'm mid-thirties as is he. I know there are no rules about this kind of thing, everyone is different, and i know full well that an ultimatum or 'serious chat' sends most guys running for the hills. But the last guy I went out with wasted my time and I'm walking a fine line between being patient/non-psycho and driving myself more than a lil' crazy wanting to know whether there is any hint of a future. No 'i love you' yet... so maybe that's my answer? Any helpful advice would be greatly appreciated

LegacyUser

It could scare him off to have that conversation but maybe he wants to know exactly the same thing.

I gather you're confident that you want a future with him?

Has he even slightly hinted at what he wants in his own future, i.e. has he ever mentioned wanting to have a family or be married in even a vague way?


My suggestion would be suss out how he's feeling in the medium term, i.e. you've been together three months, maybe suggest some plans for a few months down the road, a holiday or a concert to go to or whatever and see how he reacts to that, if he reacts positively then you'll know he's certainly keen and sees you lasting for a while ... if he makes non committal excuses then maybe he doesn't see you in the long term picture.

I am a friend

I dont think you are anywhere like a psycho... I assume you are sleeping with him and if so, then you have a right to know if this relationship is exclusive and also going anywhere....

has he said anything at all???

dont want to scare you but I have found that I tended to ask these questions of the relationship when the relationship wasnt going anywhere... Then, when another relationship was good and was going well, I didnt need to ask....

Pebbles68

You are only three months into it, take it easy. Of course anyone in their 30's is going to have a past, bad experiences etc. We all have. It's 3 months maybe he doesn't know how he feels yet.

Take a deep breath, stop and take it easy. Why put so much onus on him. Firstly decide for your self; am I enjoying this? do I enjoy his company? does he make me feel good? If so then just have fun. If you are more relaxed in his company he'll enjoy it more. Is it possible that you are bringing tension to the relationship because you are worrying too much?

Also remember it's not all about him, you have to decide if he's the one for you. Do you really think you could make that decision after 3 months? Be patient, if it feels right you'll know.

ElleEm

I agree with Pebbles.
It's only three months in, it's only a short time.
And you haven't actually said how you feel about him.
Stop thinking about what HE is thinking.

Things should happen organically, and if they fail to progress any further in the next few months, (spending more time together, meeting family, planning things for a few weeks/ months in advance, etc.) then maybe you should see how you feel then.

I also think that there is truth in what I am a Friend said, and that if you have to ask where it's going, then it's probably not going anywhere, but I don't think you've given it enough time yet.

Miss Fluff

Pebbles68 wrote: »

Take a deep breath, stop and take it easy. Why put so much onus on him. Firstly decide for your self; am I enjoying this? do I enjoy his company? does he make me feel good?

I couldn't agree more. I've found that some people are SO consumed with being in a relationship and having it defined that they often lose sight of what they are actually looking for.

You're both in your mid-30s OP so I should bloody well hope he is taking his time to really suss out what it is he wants and whether he can see a future with you rather than be rushed into a decision and realise after a couple of years that it's all a big mistake.

I'm around the same age as you and when I got together with my OH (now fiance ) I was so cautious at the start and so was he. We had heaps of fun and he didn't put any pressure on me. He said he fell in love with me from the moment we got together but it took me a little bit longer, only because I knew if I was to commit it would be for keeps. And boy am I glad I did. I'm 100% sure of him but I'm glad that we both gave each other time and space and the freedom to really enjoy every moment without any pressure.

So while I appreciate that you are mid 30s and want to see how he feels, I'd first be deciding how you really feel about him before having that chat. You haven't once mentioned in your OP how you feel about him/how marvellous he is so maybe that's what you need to give some thought to rather than how he is feeling....

LovelyLottie

Thanks all for your helpful comments I am crazy about him, but I think I know deep down that if he was crazy about me I'd be in no doubt about how he felt about me... Thanks again.

ElleEm

LovelyLottie wrote: »

Thanks all for your helpful comments I am crazy about him, but I think I know deep down that if he was crazy about me I'd be in no doubt about how he felt about me... Thanks again.

Exactly. Maybe you should see how it pans out over the next while but if you're not compatible, you should move on.

I am a friend

ElleEm wrote: »

And you haven't actually said how you feel about him.
Stop thinking about what HE is thinking.

While this is good advice in general, i had taken it as a given (and she confirmed in her last post) that the OP knows how she feels about him already and is now at the point where she wants confirmation he feels the same.

OP, if you dont want to talk to him about it then dont waste too much time with him if you are not getting what you want from the relationship.