Hard time making friends and don't know why

LegacyUser

Hi. I seem to find it really difficult to make friends and it's becoming really frustrating, because I don't understand why.

My first year of secondary school was a nightmare because I couldn't make friends with anybody and was constantly sitting on my own in classes and at lunch, etc. I eventually made a couple of friends, but not as many or as easily as everyone else.

I've always known I was a bit different to most people, just in how I think about things, what I'm interested in, etc. but I passed secondary school off as mostly bad luck. However I started college this year and it's the exact same. I've been there almost three months and while I have become friendly with a small amount of people, I still spend most of my time alone, haven't found any groups of friends, haven't really been invited anywhere... and I don't understand why.

I don't think I'm unfriendly or rude. I'm possibly a bit shy but I always make the effort to carry on a conversation and show interest in other people. I'm definitely not too loud or overbearing.

I don't know if I'm putting people off somehow, or if I'm doing something wrong without realising. It's really starting to upset me as I feel very lonely sometimes.

If anybody has any advice I would really appreciate it.

LegacyUser

friendless595 wrote: »

Hi. I seem to find it really difficult to make friends and it's becoming really frustrating, because I don't understand why.

My first year of secondary school was a nightmare because I couldn't make friends with anybody and was constantly sitting on my own in classes and at lunch, etc. I eventually made a couple of friends, but not as many or as easily as everyone else.

I've always known I was a bit different to most people, just in how I think about things, what I'm interested in, etc. but I passed secondary school off as mostly bad luck. However I started college this year and it's the exact same. I've been there almost three months and while I have become friendly with a small amount of people, I still spend most of my time alone, haven't found any groups of friends, haven't really been invited anywhere... and I don't understand why.

I don't think I'm unfriendly or rude. I'm possibly a bit shy but I always make the effort to carry on a conversation and show interest in other people. I'm definitely not too loud or overbearing.

I don't know if I'm putting people off somehow, or if I'm doing something wrong without realising. It's really starting to upset me as I feel very lonely sometimes.

If anybody has any advice I would really appreciate it.

Invite yourself along!:)
I don't mean in an annoying, just imposing yourself on others way, but if when you are chatting to the people you are friendly with, a conversation comes up about what plans some are making for a night out, you could say things "that sounds like it'd be good craic", or "wouldn't mind heading there myself".
If they really do like you and have enough social cop to read signals, they should say, "sure why don't you come along so?" or "why don't you meet up with us?"

If there is some big event that everyone is looking forward to and talking about, and you get asked, "so are you heading out on thursday aswell?", say something like, "yeah, I'd love to, - I don't know anybody else going though, would it be cool to meet up with some of ye?"

I was kinda like you when I first moved away from home and started college. I didn't know anybody, and like you just made loads of friendly acquaintances who I'd chat to in lectures, but never got invited on the nights out. I was afraid I would appear like a "loner" or "desperate" if I just asked to meet up with them for nights out, and kept waiting to be invited. I had to leave college for a few years due to family circumstances, but I have since returned to college.
I have more confidence being a little older, and started saying some of the above things I've mentioned to you.

What I've learned is that everybody else did similar when people were just getting to know each other. I'd notice people did just literally invite themselves along to events. by saying things like "ooooh I'm definitely going to that, what time will we meet up?!" to people they had never been out with before. Nobody batted an eyelid or thought they were desperate or weird, because in first year of college, EVERYBODY was looking to make new friends, and get to know people.

I think the mistake I made before was that when somebody asked me if I was going to some event, or on a night out, I would just say, "no, haven't made plans, probably just sitting in for the night". In my mind, I was really hoping and waiting for someone to say, "ah sure don't sit in, come out with us", but that never happened. I realise now, that I was probably giving the impression that I wasn't even interested in going out, or that I had more important things to do than spend time with these people.

Also sometimes people just assume that you already have other friends who you hang out with away from the lectures. Even in my first college, I eventually learnt that the girls I chatted to in lectures assumed that I partied with my housemates, who they also assumed were students.
When I told them that I actually lived with people who were older and who worked, and just admitted to them that I didn't really know anyone to go out with, I instantly got invited out all the time, and became even more friendly with them. (Unfortunately as I said I did have to leave college that time for other reasons)

Most people seem to make their new friends and cliques very quickly for the simple fact that they are living together in shared student accommodation. If you are not living in such accommodation, or if you don't like the people you are living with, then it just takes a little more effort on your part to get to know and spend time with these new people.
I find that just being honest and just saying that you haven't really got to know that many people, or had much of a social life yet, (you can say it in a jokey way), is actually a good thing to do. No decent person is going to think you are "sad" or "desperate" as everyone starts of in the same boat, and genuinely nice people will take this as an opportunity to get to know you better and invite you out.
I can read these signals fairly well now of people who are a bit shy, and I always make an effort to invite them out, and include them with my own bunch of new friends, and have even made other new friends from doing this.


Aswell, you don't have to be invited. You could do the inviting. After a lecture you could ask if anyone wants to head to the canteen for a cup of tea/coffee, or a bite to eat. You could suggest starting up a study group with people who might be interested. You could ask if anybody is interested in going to see a new film in the cinema that is coming out, or else say that you are planning a film night in your house with takeaway food, and booze (if you are interested in alcohol.) You could ask if anybody wants to head into town for a bit of shopping.

All of these things can be asked very casually, and you will eventually get chatting more and more to people, until you will suddenly find yourself having plenty of friends to hang out with in no time.

Joining a club or society is also a good idea to meet like minded people. College doesn't have to be all about alcohol and nights out, and if you are not interested in these things, then I would definitely recommend the clubs and societies for having other events and social meet ups that you can look forward to. Of course they have nights out too, just incase you are interested.

Best of Luck!

LegacyUser

You'll Be Fine wrote: »

I think the mistake I made before was that when somebody asked me if I was going to some event, or on a night out, I would just say, "no, haven't made plans, probably just sitting in for the night". In my mind, I was really hoping and waiting for someone to say, "ah sure don't sit in, come out with us", but that never happened. I realise now, that I was probably giving the impression that I wasn't even interested in going out, or that I had more important things to do than spend time with these people.

Thank you for reading and for the advice.

Cut for space but I do tend to do exactly this - I always think they might invite me when I say I'm staying home and feel a bit hurt if they don't, thinking they must not like me, etc. but your interpretation probably right.

I have joined a lot of societies and gone to a lot of events but I feel like it's much the same as in lectures... everyone knows each other and any one I talk to doesn't tend to become a friend, just a friendly acquaintance as you say.

But I will try everything that you've suggested. Thank you.