Just discovered my wife is cheating

LegacyUser

I am gutted. My suspicions have been confirmed. I have suspected my wife has been cheating but the evidence is strong now. Let me explain:

my wife had an emotional affair for the last 9 months with an ex from over 20 years ago. I asked her out straight and she said that they were only friends. We are not getting on at all and she says she wants a seperation some days and wants to work on us other days,

However, this week she headed out to meet her sister but she actually went to his house for an hour. She parked away from his house to make sure the car was not spotted at his house.

Now this could have been innocent, but last weekend (not the one just gone) she had the house to herself and I took the kids away. I arrived home earlier than I thought I would on Sunday and even though she was there it was obvious she hadn't stayed.

Now she goes for walks every night for 90 mins (this guy lives 5-10 min walk away). When she came home last night she hid her tracksuit bottoms in the hot press. When I looked there today they were gone. I found them hidden in her wardrobe behind her dresses and they were wet, she has hand washed them. The reason was because there was stains on them. I fear I know what those stains were.

Tonight I will confront her with this evidence (and more I have like her phone bill with all the thousands of texts to him and the many many calls).

I found some messages on her phone as she switched handsets yesterday. Look at them and give me some honest opinions:

Him "Are you ignoring me"
Him "I really miss you and cant wait to see you, please call me"
Him "You are not answering your phone"
Her "Sorry was driving and had radio on" (in fact i checked the date and she was with me in the car).
Him "I was going to call to keep you company" (I was dropping her to a course, she obviously told him she was going herself)
Her "Thanks"

Next convo:
Him "Luv You"
Her "Thanks xx"

I asked about the one above, she says she loves him but as a friend. In fact later that night she told me she loved me.

I need some opinions before I hit the nuclear button later. Everything is believable she says except the stains on the pants and hiding them in the wardrobe as she knew I would be doing the washing as I'm at home today.
We have 3 small kids, a good life and were happy (I thought)

Help!

Beruthiel

world crashing down wrote: »

I need some opinions before I hit the nuclear button later.

What sort of opinions are you looking for OP?
I know what my deal breakers are and cheating is one of them.
Were I to find out my hubby was cheating that would be the end of the relationship.
I know myself well enough to understand I would never get past that and there would be no point trying.

What are your deal breakers?
What is it that you can and cannot live with?
What do you want to come out of this?

desertcircus

You don't need anyone's opinions. Decide if this is something you can forgive, and if it is, ask her if she still cares enough. Make it clear that if she ever sees him again or tries to hide something from you, it's over.

But be aware that no matter how you say it, or even if you sit on what you know, it could be all over. Your wife is cheating on you, and unless you're willing to forgive and she's willing to try to fix your relationship, that's the end of it.

tallaghtmick

Sorry to hear that OP,you should confront her asap but in a calm manner,try keep an eye out for her heavy breathing on her part as she will be panicking and loose stories,good luck OP

LegacyUser

I really wanted peoples opinions on the tone of the texts. I think he seems more interested than her,

We have had problems for ages as I didn't want her being in touch with this guy. I knew that he always regretted never continuing their relationship. She was his "one that got away". His own marriage of 20 years broke up this year and my wife "helped" him through it.

I would forgive her, but if she is not prepared to end it with him I will ask her to leave and go to him. That reality is very different from the life she has now. He lives in a bedsit, has no car and a low paid job. We have a very nice house, are doing well financially, she does volunteer work so has no wage. I have always provided everything. Her car broke sown at the weekend and I won't be fixing it if she wants out.

Everything will be cut off from her and she can bring me to court if she wants.

I want to save this and have given her the benefit of the doubt for months. But no more.

LegacyUser

There certainly appears to be something going on, but it might not be what you have convinced yourself of. The 'evidence' you have thusfar uncovered is not as clear cut as you might think.

For example:

You say it was obvious that she hadn't stayed in the house - how was it obvious?

The presumption about the stains is exactly that, a presumption, if they were the stains that you might be imagining, surely she could have easily removed them before coming into the house?

The texts, yes he seems committed (or possibly should be), her replies though are the main reason why I am not convinced by your evidence, if she was replying with 'thanks, love you too' etc, then yes, she'd be caught red handed, but her responses appear a bit more luke-warm to me. Could it be that he has some issues and she is trying to help him through them? I don't know, but if I was you I would try and find something more solid before confronting her. Once you confront her, chances are your relationship is over, if she was cheating she'll be gone and you may not want her back. If she wasn't, then she'll be a bit concerned with your investigations and lack of trust (now, the way she's behaving it's understandable that you would have plenty of concerns).

Miss Fluff

What kind of advice or opinsions are you looking for hon?

All I can say is that you should try and organise for someone to mind the kids for the night and that you both sit down and discuss this in as calm a fashion as possible. Despite what I imagine will be a plethora of protestations on her part she sounds as guilty as sin.

So it's up to you then if you want to continue your relationship with someone who has deceived you to this extent.

I don't envy you, I'd be devastated were I in your shoes.

maxwell smart

Sorry to hear about your troubles

The stains are the thing I am curious about, why would she have hidden them in her wardrobe, wet, behind other clothes. Surely it would be easier to just put them in the wash?

The texts seem to be a bit one sided alright.

I don't know if you should confront her tonight or not...

LegacyUser

Its the fact she hid the bottoms in her wardrobe. Its something she never ever does. And washing them with water, she always use a prestain spray to get rid of stains.

This is indeed the real odd thing.

I am a friend

Op you seem to be posting over and over again on different threads?

<mod snip>

fungun

all seems a bit circumstantial and texts a bit one sided. Id look for an actual lie if I were you, i.e. catch her in/leaving his house when she said she was going for a walk.

Then at least the combo of him saying he loves her and her lying to go to his house is actual evidence of sth she shouldnt be doing.

LegacyUser

Anyway, OP I don't think you have enough evidence based on those texts or potential stains but you need to sit her down and discuss this with her now. Why waste hours and days worrying about what may be going on. Surely after that many years together you can straight talk with each other?

It definitely sounds suspicious, but with a paranoid outlook you could misread an innocent situation entirely and end up losing your marriage unnecessarily.

You need to talk, talk, talk.

ElleEm

maxwell smart wrote: »

Sorry to hear about your troubles

The stains are the thing I am curious about, why would she have hidden them in her wardrobe, wet, behind other clothes. Surely it would be easier to just put them in the wash?

The texts seem to be a bit one sided alright.

I don't know if you should confront her tonight or not...

He would have seen her/heard the wash on. She was obviously trying to hide the trackie bottoms.

OP, I really feel for you. The fact that you have been having problems does not warrant her having a relationship with this man. You should be very clear about what you deserve in your marriage, and your wife should be as committed to you as you are to her x

username123

OP - how do you know the things you are stating as fact.

She said she was going to her sisters but went to his house and parked away from it - did you follow her there?

How was it obvious she hadnt stayed in the house that weekend?

Im not buying the washing the tracksuit bottoms story. She could have bled on them, vomited on them, had a dog pee on them, anything. I presume you mean stains from sex - if thats the case then why not wash her actual underwear secretly?

The text messages seem neutral - nothing particularly damning anyway.

I dont know if youre the same poster as the other thread as 'I am a friend' has suggested, but if you are, I would suggest that you need professional help because your own behaviour seems to be quite paranoid and controlling. I find it difficult to believe that a woman who suffers bulimia who has just had a child is persuing sex with someone else. If it is an emotional affair and not a physical one it may be because emotionally you are so suspicious and self admittedly controlling?

One thing is for certain, based on this thread alone, you need to seperate, because either your wife is having an affair - which is a terrible thing, or you are imagining it and obsessing on it and its not happening - which is also a terrible thing. One way or the other, its not healthy for you to stay in this situation, you are only doing your own head in.

When a relationship reaches the point of checking phone messages and following the other person to see what house they go to, assuming washed tracksuit bottoms mean sex etc... then the trust is gone and without trust you dont have a relationship.

Best of luck - I think youd do better on your own than in this awful place of suspicion and obsession.

Ickle Magoo

I am a friend infracted for linking to another PI thread. Please take all requests for advice on their own merit and report any posts you think a moderator should take a closer look at.

I've deleted all the off-topic posts speculating about/defending the OP and whether they have posted previously. If anyone has an issue with a post or poster could they notify a moderator and refrain from dragging someone's request for advice on a hunch by off-topic commenting in-thread - please be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

As stated in the charter/troll post sticky, some threads are deliberately allowed to stand even when they are under suspicion because the advice given could help someone else who is in that situation.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

johnr1

mikemac1 wrote: »

If that was you cheating and the marraige ended you'd be booted out of the house, off to live in a bedsit and lucky to get visitation rights

So get a log, keep records of what you know and keep it.

She is being unfaithful, if the separation gets bitter and the solicitors get involved, well she is the one who caused it, her and her home-wrecker




Proper order OP, you don't leave the house, if anyone leaves it will be her

OP, please disregard this misinformed post ^^^^^^

FYI mikemac1 We have "no fault" divorce in this country, - it doesent matter if she slept with his entire football team, or how often. Same goes for a guy.

aidan24326

She's having an emotional affair anyway whether or not it's anything more than that. You need to get some answers from her asap, and they'd better be honest ones. Being friends with an ex is fine in general but this sounds like it's crossing the line and you are entitled to be p1ssed off. I'd call her to task on it and demand honesty.

If he's still into her and not respecting the boundaries then the best thing she could do for her marriage is cut contact. That's what I'd be asking at this stage, because it sounds like they're just a bit too friendly, certainly from his side anyway and she's hardly blameless either since you say she's been having ALOT of calls and texts with him. You need to demand she stop this carry on and if she won't then your marriage is in trouble. Hopefully she will see sense.

LegacyUser

You think your wife is having an affair based on the following :

Texts
Washed tracksuit bottoms
A feeling she didn't stay in the house while you were away
Walking every night for ninety minutesYou foolowed her one night and she parked mear to his house.


I don't think these are valid reasons for assuming your wife is having an affair.

Number one, the texts from your wife to this other guy are extremely lukewarm.
Number two, having a feeling that she didn't stay in the has is not the same as having definitive proof she didn't stay in the house.
Number three, my sister goes out for a walk every night for the same amount of time. It's not unusual for someone to go out for walks.
Number four, did you actually see your wife go into this guys house that night she parked away from it?
Number five, the tracksuit washing does sound weird, but without any other evidence she's having an affair, it is a very tenuous link.

Your language is very unusual. You want to find out for sure 'before you hit the nuclear button'. It sounds like you're just waiting to explode, you can't wait to pin something on her. If I thought my boyfriend was cheating on me, I wouldn't be excited about pinning it on him. I'd be devastated. You also talk about not wanting to pay for her car because it's broken down. Do you feel that not giving her money is a bigger punishment than your anger at her cheating? Why do you feel that?

You really need to talk to your wife, and tell her your worries without accusing her. It could all be very innocent (and I hope for your sake it is), which would help you and your wife to start afresh. If it's not innocent however and her reaction shows that she is cheating (or she tells you she's cheating), you'll have to decide truthfully for yourself if your marriage is worth saving. And you will only be able to do that if you stop the tit for tat scenario that seems to be playing out at the moment.

Taltos

Thread is now closed.
OP and his alias' are now permabanned for ignoring mod warnings about starting the same thread repeatedly and for sock-puppetry.

Thank you to all of our posters who reported this and the other threads.

Taltos